florence

Ever been to a place where you thought, you are too blessed to be there?

I have and it’s already countless of times. But one place struck me the most, because in there, I saw a vision of my not-so-distant future. In there I saw a vision that makes me happy the most and just thinking about it brings me to a new high, a sweet one. In there I saw a vision of satisfaction and only Florence can give me that.

Believe me, I fell in love with the place the moment I arrived.

If you are into various forms of arts, it might just be the best place for you.

I love the arts and I enjoyed a handful of museums across the city. I enjoyed walking Ponte Vecchio and marveled at Statue of David while listening to some acoustic busking in a corner. I love the mix of tranquility as I gaze towards the horizon and the sun sets painting the sky in perfect hues. I love that I was there doing something favorable to my soul.

It dawned upon me, I wish I’d have a kid who excel in the arts and I’d wish he’d be interested to travel halfway around the world to pursue it. and by the time he decides so, I’d be able to send him through.

I had this vision of my child who studies painting in Florence. (Or yeah, not necessarily painting, perhaps sculpting, sketching or anything about the arts.) I feel that it would be wonderful to pursue something you’re passionate about rather than pursuing something because it’s practical. And as a parent, I have to give him that.

I mean, in my lifetime, I had given up and perhaps haven’t really learned the proper way of some stuff that I am interested about because the “needs” always come first and passion especially in the arts is something that has been categorized in the “wants” department.

Don’t get me wrong, I had the best parents in the world who supported me in all aspects of my life in the most selfless way possible, it’s just that, we’re not well-to do and we ain’t got any extra.

I am thankful beyond words that I am given opportunities to travel as much as I can, now that I am older and I get to value the hard work and perseverance that I put through what I do because I am able to save some and enjoy some to live my life fully. My visions are clear and although it might take so long to get there but it’s a nice feeling to acknowledge that visiting a place inspires you to be a better version of yourself.

Florence gave me a new goal. A goal which seems very impossible to conquer but at the same time, it gives me the push, to propel further in life because yes, things has just started.

I look forward to making it happen, and I’m keeping my eyes open so that when I get to materialize this vision, I know I was into it, every step of the way.

doormat

Do not be a doormat!

…says my sister as I confide that I seem to have a habit of just taking in everything even if I don’t want to.

As I go through life, I discovered that the foundation of self is a key factor to happiness.

I have gone through multiple episodes of extreme loneliness. I’ve closed myself up trying to open up ‘cause who cares about my drama anyway? Plus I feel that sharing my personal problems sounds so lame. There were times that I vent out as I lose my control over my emotions (perhaps ‘cause it was too much?) and even though the people around me were supportive, it was hard to accept that they completely understood how I’m feeling.

I often wonder whether it’s just me or maybe, somewhere out there, I’ve got a friend who’s feeling like in the same sh*thole as I do. And yeah, I have… recently, a friend called me up asking if I was available to talk. I said yes.

I learned later on about her dilemma in her marriage. The line that struck me, “ Love does not suffice, you need to choose someone whose sh*t you can tolerate!”. I mean, that’s real talk.

I fell silent for a time and I was just transported to a different side of marriage thought.

Of course, I know that marriage is not a bed of roses and I’ve got tons of “experience” to prove that.  Then my friend said “I wanted to break up but when I think about my son, he loves his father. I think I have to endure this all my life”

And that got me to talk with a wide mouth. I mean, I get it, family is the most important thing in life. But I don’t get why you have to endure it all your life. Shouldn’t marriage be an avenue for mutual growth? Shouldn’t it be a two-to-tango thing?

Why only one has to work it out?

Disturbed, I told her that she needs to love herself more.

By loving yourself more, you don’t allow yourself to be in a scenario that you’ll regret on your deathbed. By loving yourself more, you don’t allow people to treat you like you’re always there for them while they were busy having fun and leaving you to do everything in the house. By loving yourself more, you begin to understand that your happiness is as crucial as theirs. By loving yourself more, you’ll realize that your existence is as precious as theirs.

Call me idealistic, but my reality has pushed me to feel the love within myself.

My episodes of extreme loneliness, emptiness and restlessness, put me up in a wall so hard I had no one to depend on to but myself. It dawned on me that no one can really understand what I’m going through as well as I do because I am the one experiencing it. It dawned on me that my longest commitment, the truest, the most authentic and the most loyal friend I could have is “me”. (I know it sounds narcissistic, but come on, it’s true)

It’s good being all nice and taking care of the people around you, sometimes at your expense BUT… putting yourself in a position to live life just to endure is like sacrificing yourself with no guaranteed result. There are some things temporary and there are some things which are supposed to be temporary but indulging, it becomes permanent.

Will it make you a hero or will make you feel bitter later on in life?

While we struggle to keep up with the pressures of family and work (even weight), we need to have a closer look at how we handle these things. Ultimately, we need to understand that our individual happiness does not necessarily equate to giving it up to make someone shine.

We coexist so we can all harvest what we deserve. And by what we deserve, we deserve to be loved, adored and needed.

Not just a ragged, rubbish and “throwable” doormat!

the truth

I’m such sadist.

There’s no bigger enemy than myself to myself.

Sometimes, I think about why I am enduring something even if I can just pack my bags and go, it’s not like I have a kid to feed, right?

So why do I endure?

I endure because I want to do more.

I endure because I want to be in several places more.

I endure because I need the money.

I endure because I somehow enjoy the thrill.

I endure because I don’t want to be bored.

Few of the things that I can easily come up with.

But does it have to be this… I endure only to let life escape me?

While this is a back and forth process or like a noisy record on repeat, and honestly, I’ve been really tired of this… but really, I’m subjecting myself to more STRESS and it doesn’t look good on me.

My health has been on a different high, bad high, that is. My looks, well, now I believe beauty fades. My weight,well, it is clear, it is inversely proportional with my bank account.

If I stay few years more… what do I possibly gain? More health risks? More acne? More stress? More depression tendencies?

Ugh.

what i learned from my tyrant boss?

1)   Do not be pushy. If you want things to be done as soon as possible, leave your staff alone. Otherwise, the person will feel so pressured and tends to just be lazy as a form of rebellion. No one wants to be dictated, that’s why we value freedom and humanity even died for it.


2)  Prioritizing is the key. If you want many things to be done, try doing your staff’s job for a day and see if you, yourself can cope. What needs to be done, needs to be done at a pace.Nothing is too urgent to not wait. 


3) You cannot work with your mouth. The best way to get things done is through your example. If you keep on nagging, no one’s motivated to do it for you. Highlighting mistakes is good to keep the staff informed but doing it repeatedly decreases your staff’s morale. You are the boss for a reason, you can’t possibly be the one to be in panic first.

4) Be an example, a good one. When you advise you staff about his/her habits, examine yourself first. Am I doing better? You don’t just ask him/her to do the things you say but don’t do the things that you do. Live by example. The leader is the head, and being the head holds much responsibility.

5) Practice humanity. Just because you commit yourself to a customer doesn’t mean a staff has to die. Think first before you commit and exercise REASON. Is my customer’s demand, doable? Take into consideration various factors such as the time frame, the cost, the labor capacity. You may look good on your customer but you’ll find your office empty one day. 

on knowing one's self

I think it is important to know yourself.

Friend: but don’t you know yourself at 30?

The question obviously struck me.
How can I possibly answer this question without confusing the other?
I guess it falls down to our different horoscopes?

Ever since, I struggled to maintain the sense of self.
I remembered one friend from way back in college when her boyfriend scolded her on the phone so loud that I can hear it. I asked her, does this happen often?
She said, whenever he’s angry.

My god! I sighed to myself.

I am stubborn and hard-headed with an ego to match. I am pissed whenever someone say something rude to me. I try to hold it in, though the Aries in me is about to morph into a vicious ram and ram that someone to give him/ her some sense. And I always win, win against doing so. I keep it cool, always have.

Then it brought me to think deeply, I am living my life in a way that is authentic?
Whenever I am angry, I try not to. I suppress it. Whenever I feel lonely, I make ways to have company. Why is this so?

My goal in life is to be sufficient as it is. I believe that when I feel complete as a being, all the others that comes to my life just becomes a bonus or a blessing.

Oftentimes, things happen even though you don’t want it. That’s a reality.
But far bigger reality is feeling so wrong even when you know it isn’t right.

For example, I told a friend, “you know what, I hate feeling jealous but I can’t stop myself.”
It’s as if you already know what is right but you just can’t stop yourself from being in the wrong. Alcoholics must’ve felt this way too, don’t you think?

My friend replied, “you should stop it.”
I know I should but it’s easier said than done.

So why do I need to know myself?
Because when these episodes of uncontrolled emotions come, even though I can’t stop myself from feeling and going through it, I would believe that I AM A PROCESS.
And going through this ,even uncalled for, is necessary for a favorable end result.

self talking

Sept 5, 2017

I wrote for the first time in a long time because I feel so UNCOOL blurting it out on friends.
Honestly, I’ve been talking to friends lately about how I really feel and while it’s good, the downside can be appearing a bit more vulnerable. And I hate being vulnerable.

I have been thinking about quitting my job and just going along…

But at the same time, I fear being unemployed.

You know sometimes, this life is super ironic. You need to hear the noise to appreciate silence, be in a crowd of chaos to feel peace alone. Lose yourself to find it back again.
And the latter is what appeals to me.

And while I spend so many hapless moments thinking about what will become of me, if I got no stable income, no job to be busied about, jumping into unknown… I found one truth that comforts me. It is the truth that no matter what I give up on life, I will always, always have something better in return.

For example…
When I was in high school, I gave up being a CAT officer because I can’t take how physical it is for me. And when I gave it up, I came forward to be a Rover. And I had the grandest time. I was sent to other town for it and just experienced how it feels like.
In college, I gave up being in Engineering only to find myself in the business department, few years after, I was CHOSEN by Metrobank to be an intern. When I gave up Metrobank to try and risk it all in Singapore, singapore chose me.

In economics, I learned that this is “opportunity cost”, the loss of other alternatives when one alternative is chosen. In life, this is what decision making is all about.

I’d like to think that whatever is given up, something better will always replace it and rather than stressing about what I am giving up, or what others are to say, what defines me is my ability to stand strong in whatever decision I arrive at.

I’d like to look back life with less regrets, if not totally without it.
The greatest regret would be sticking into something just because you are comfortable with it or having the idea and means of doing something but opting not to because of fear.

I guess what they say is true, when you think with your Mind, chances are, things wouldn’t likely proceed… but when you think with your heart, you just go with it and wing whatever it is to come and that makes one vulnerable.