The Ant

I have always been trying… trying so hard

Trying so hard to control things.

In school, I give my all. I like school because I can see visible results in the form of grades. I like that when I do my best and spend sleepless nights to draft, write and re-write papers… I get good results. But sometimes, not. It makes me feel demotivated.

In my relationships, I give myself. I give time, money and effort to be present. I give friendships time to connect, reconnect and relive the good old days. I invest in friendships. I make sure that I am a call away, regardless of the distance. 

At work, I give 101%. No, make it 120%. While I like showing up, work sometimes do not give me the autonomy to be creative. I know I have the potential but work only requires compliance and not creativity. I like to work but I don’t like the things that come with it. The deadlines, the daily grind and above all, the minimal room to showcase what I actually got.

In all of these, I think that I put myself all in. I make the adjustments, sacrifice some things and push myself to achieve what I aimed to do. However, oftentimes I succumb to exhaustion. You know that feeling when you climb so hard and yet never reaching the pinnacle? It has always been like that for me. I feel like I try so hard and still do not reach what I truly envisioned.

I used to think that I got everything planned out. What I want, I can imagine it. I can taste even the drop of celebratory champagne. But… imagination and reality hits differently. When frustrated, I go back to that tunnel-like limbo. Why am I doing this? Is this what it really is? Will my life only amount to this? 

I know some of the best things in my life has not happened yet. I am yet to fall in love. REAL hard. I am yet to marry, to have kids, to create a little family of my own. I am yet to own a house, my first car, my first stocks. It makes me really excited to do and have all these. However, I feel like my hard work is at least worth 10 kilometers forward but in the end, it still amounts to 500 meters. 

What is exactly my point here?

My point is,  sometimes I may relentlessly work so hard to achieve my goals but I may never realize what I envisioned. And that is okay. It is okay because there will always be something better than what I imagined. The best will be worth the wait.

Looking good

To people who say that looks are not everything, you are right! 

But looks could mean a lot.

Why do I say this?

A few years ago, I had a severe acne breakout. It was so bad that one day a woman came to me and told me my face looks rather pitiful.

I could not find any justification for what she did. I know her intentions might be of concern or to preach something that could solve my problem but whatever she said did not register because I was so consumed by the thought that someone took notice of how bad it looked.

My confidence at that time was already low and her observation sank it further. I’ve had days when looking at the mirror stresses me out. I’ve had days when meeting friends did not seem appealing because I was too embarrassed. I’ve had days when my mood falters and leaves me in total disarray. I tried uplifting myself about how temporary my acne was but deep inside, I knew the scars were permanent. 

I’ve decided to consult Singapore specialists on skin and allergies. I did not budge about the costs because my confidence mattered more. I thought that money could be earned but my self-esteem can never be restored if my face continues to be hideously irritated. There, I’ve been prescribed pills, topical ointments and advised to change everything from hair products to facial wash.

The routine took more than six months. But after six months, there were no visible results. I took it upon myself to unload baggage of stress because I knew that medicines could not completely help me.

Call me crazy but in the name of looks, the biggest decision I had to make was to quit my job. It was a painful pill to swallow but it was the main cause of all my stress. I had to do it.

It’s so easy to say that looks are not everything especially when you have the looks and have had no problems with your skin, hair, etc. To some, they find it shallow to stress on looks. I used to do that too. But when I had severe acne, I say looks have a huge contribution to my self-esteem.

Other people wouldn’t notice how nice or polite you are just by the look of it. People have first impressions and when you look “pitiful” or hideously groomed, you just don’t look the part of someone neat and organized.

Nowadays, when people tell me they removed a mole or get their nose done, etc., I don’t see anything wrong with that. You do whatever pleases you. If that makes you more confident and adds value to how you see yourself, do it. 

Your lane

Stay in your lane.

Oftentimes, we compare ourselves with how fast other’s lanes have become. Instead of being happy for them, we are swallowed by bitterness and jealousy that they get to be there first. But which “there” exactly?

What we don’t realize is the fact that getting “there” could mean anything. The destination or oftentimes, success could mean a lot of things. To some, success means having the ability to breathe normally without any apparatus or support from machines. To others, success could mean being with family after working abroad for years. Some would view success as conceiving children after trying for a long time. Others would equate success to accomplishments, having a six-figure job that could lift their purchasing powers.

While we are so busy minding others’ lanes, we forget that our lane is where we are supposed to be. It is a lane that was given to us because of our temperaments, personalities, ability to handle stress, physical stamina, and so on. 

There’s a thin line between admiration and jealousy. Oftentimes, we hit that spot just because we feel like they are all getting ahead while we’re stuck down to our old, boring lane.

It is so easy to compare what we lack without realizing that we have every formula for our definition of success. It is so easy to fall into the trap of other’s expectations. We are convinced that getting ”there” is generic for everyone. We like having to fit into that mold. It makes us powerful, special, and competent. 

But if we break down what it means to get “there”, is it seeing ourselves into that podium? Is it belonging to that group? Is it getting on to that lane and be like everyone else?

I dare say, we need to evaluate our strengths. We need to have faith in ourselves a little more. So what if it takes a longer time? So what if progress is rather slow? 

We need to realize that a sparkly destination is nothing if we do not enjoy the process of getting there. 

FRIENDS

I am so damn late!

Like all else in my life, I am late even as a fan of FRIENDS! You heard me. I have just become a fan of this show. Imagine, it’s been around since the 1990s and I just had the opportunity to sit down and watch it uninterrupted?

It’s never too late, they said. Yes! I get to post snippets from the show, appreciate the OSTs and best of all, discern who I am similar with. Was it Rachel, a go-getter who claimed her independence by earning what she eats? Was it Monica, highly competitive, obsessive-compulsive? Was it Phoebe, just funny and weird but real? Was it Joey, loyal and dependable to his friends? Was it Ross, intelligent but impractical at times? OR.. Chandler, self-proclaimed pessimist but loving?

I am guessing I am a little bit of all of them. Or at least, that’s what I think. But if there’s a favorite, I would love to be Phoebe. She doesn’t have a care in the world. She’s weird. She almost always has strange ideas and justifications. She’s sometimes dumb. But she has a big heart. Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? See? She has the biggest of hearts to be too concerned about cats,how much more about mankind?

What I love about this show, albeit the late discovery, is that it cheers me up. There’s this certain lift of emotions every time I watch. For example, there’s this day that I am feeling irritable. I am simply out of the mood. I watched FRIENDS and halfway towards an episode, my mood has been lifted!

I’m taking a mental note to remember this show on days that I feel down. It will help boost my enthusiasm.

My major takeaway from this show is that friends are really your chosen family. You don’t have to be blood related to feel closeness. You just have to be a friend and true friends will find you. I like that it also shows the realities of friendships such as being jealous or possessive of your friends, having arguments and conflicts, swapping boyfriends and beaus. Haha

Anyway, nevermind me being late in giving my full attention to this show. It’s better late than never! Teehee!

Pair of ears, anyone?

People change.

Those things that I thought were outrageous, somewhat became plausible or even the norm.

For instance, when one of my closest friends confided about her desire to stay separated from her husband but have no-string attached boyfriends… no one from the group seemed to have a wild reaction. Me included. It seemed that those ideas you thought were a big no-no now become, “oh okay” or “then what?” or “maybe”. 

When a friend openly mentioned her husband’s fetish, it didn’t seem different. There’s this implicit bond about being at this age and sharing things that happen in REAL life. It surprises me that as a single person, hearing concerns about marriage never faze me. It is not that I faked my reaction, there’s just this understanding that whether or not these things happened to me, these are real issues that need real solutions or just active ears listening to it.

Have we become less judgmental?

Perhaps. Our experiences shape who we are. When we were younger, we had these straight lines and arrows which we vehemently followed. When we come to this age, we learn that lines can be jagged, curved or broken even. Things happen for a reason. Sometimes, we are so quick to give our two cents insisting on morals and values that we have accumulated since young, but when we hear the stories behind the decision, we begin to see things beyond the surface.

I am not saying that I tolerate immoral actions. No.

I am saying that even if a friend does have a different view of things, judging them even before they lay down all their facts isn’t helpful. Hear them out. 

My professor in Negotiations and Conflict stated that the sense that is less likely used in communication is hearing. When we are in a conversation, we try to share something that is relatable to keep the conversation going regardless of whether we understand the main point of discussion. We don’t converse just for the sake of “relating”, we converse because we need to understand.

I guess talking boils down to acceptance. You need not share the same sentiments but you can still remain friends. You don’t condemn them just because they have different opinions. Instead, you slowly present a different idea without pushing too hard. 

As I look around my strings of relationships… I have come down to a realization that indeed, people change. We know them as this or that but what happened in between, in a span of distance or experiences, there’s that space that was filled with various thoughts, ideas and lessons.

I was always the chatty friend but nowadays, I am that “observer” friend. I don’t need to be “relatable”, I just lend my ears when you need a pair! 

Your friend,

Faith over fear

“Fear is the absence of faith.”

As the day of leaving nears, I am having mixed emotions. “Is this for me?” “Is this what I want?” “Will it be worth it?” are the questions that I have to deal with on a daily basis. 

I have spent my life savings for this, studied so hard, fought tooth and nail to remain enrolled. To say the least, I have put everything in my power for this goal and redirect my sail to this one objective. My mom keeps on asking me, “Do you have to go?” and when I think about leaving my ageing parents, I can’t help but second guess if it really is the way for me.

The “what ifs” quadruple. 

What if I leave and something happens? What if I leave and experience poverty? What if I don’t achieve what I am hoping for? What if I am pushing myself so hard when I can be content with life as it is?

These what-ifs make me think about what matters. 

This is not the first time that I am leaving. I have spent much of my 20s overseas. Alone. But why does it get harder? 

When asked about a turning point in my life during job interviews early in my career, I can’t think of anything other than graduating college. But with this another adventure, I know for a fact that this is it! This is the greatest turning point because it’s all or nothing.

To say that I am calm and relaxed about this move is a lie. In fact, I am anxious. I am afraid that I’d get the same episodes of depression and loneliness from my previous experience. I learned that as much as I am okay with being alone, I cannot stand being alone for long. That place is too far from home and it scares me to feel so alone in a far away place.

However, I always go back to the beginning of this journey. I declared that when I get an approval, it’s for me and when I don’t, it’s a sign that I’m not meant to be there. I always hold on to this thought. I know it’s worth the shot. More than the finances, I hope to be fulfilled. I hope that when I get to think about this move a few years from now, I’d have a smile on my face because I feared for nothing.

I pray that God continuously steps in and this pursuit, no matter how long and arduous the process is, becomes mine. Mine to be happy about. Mine to be a piece of achievement. Mine to be a testament of God’s unending love and promises.

Fear is the absence of faith. I need to be reminded that whatever happens is already in the lines of my palms.

quick update

Hi!

It's been more than eight months since my last post. It could mean positive things, right?

I realized, over the last few years, I only update mostly when I am sad and lonely so not updating would mean that I have been having a good time. 

I am not writing now because I am feeling particularly down. In fact, it’s the opposite. 

I have been super busy juggling between work, school, errands and minutest social life, if any. 

I have vowed to be busy and I am! So I couldn’t really complain. 

Quick update, I have lost a few pounds and gained some more, started my no soda vow (I don’t know just how long I can keep it), read medical research about food intake in my free time (for example, is yakult etc good as an everyday drink?), I started applying keratin on my super dry hair in the hopes of revitalization,  what else?

Oh vaccinated! It is important to put things in good order. I like to follow my priorities. I stay home most days because I am too much of a COVID conscious. I don’t want to risk getting COVID and infecting the vulnerable members of my family (Seniors and nephews). 

On things that I haven’t achieved yet? Well, I still want to start painting but I find it expensive haha. I still want to take web design courses. I still want to try long distance driving. There’s a lot more that I want to try but most especially, God willing, to fall in love.

Before this gets soapy, to anyone reading this…

Life may not always be how we wanted. Sometimes, we think so hard in selecting choices and ending up not getting what we deserve. Sometimes, we give our all and get nothing back. Sometimes, we bring in our A-game and still end up losing. But HOPE. We need to hope that someday, somewhere, the lines will align and what we deserve, what we hope, what we envision, will come to us. No question.