kanta-a-mahirap

Kahit nais kong magsulat na gamit ang wikang Ingles, sisikapin ko sa pangatlong pagkakataon ang magsulat sa wikang aking nakagisnan.

Kung tutuusin siguro'y kung wala ang telebisyon at radyo, pati mga pahayagan, malamang di ko naman tlaga matututunang magsalita nito. Paano'y sa aming pook, bisaya naman talaga ang pangunahing dayalekto.

Subalit, ang aking pagsulat ay tungkol sa isang napipintong paglalakwatsa este pagkakaroon ng pagkakataong mag aral ng kultura, ng ibang lahi at makatagpo ng mga bagong kakilala. Hindi naman paglalakwatsa yun diba? Datapwat ito'y isang mahalagang kaganapan. Iyon bang maaari mong balik balikan sa iyong gunita kung ikaw'y matanda na at nakaupo na lamang sa silya habang naggagantsilyo.

Ang aking mga paglalakbay ay sadyang napakaespesyal. Lalong dumaraming napupuntahan, lalong maraming natututunan. Para sa akin, ito'y lakbay-aral. Maaaring sa iba'y ito'y ganap na kapritso lamang. Pagsasayang hindi lamang ng pera kundi ng panahon. Ngunit, ito ang masasabi ko, Nandoon ba sila kasama ko? Naramdaman ba nila ang kasiyahang dulot ng mga ito? Ang magmasid, maglakad, makihalubilo at matutong magpahalaga ng buhay sapagkat ito'y maikli lamang? Naramdaman ba nila ang kasiyahang, masidkubre na ang mundo'y hindi lamang umiikot sa sarili? Na ang mundo'y bilog at marami ang nagmamay ari?

Maari ngang naramdaman nila yun ngunit hindi sa pamamagitan ng paglalakbay. Sabagay, ang ugat ng kasiyahan ay sa iba't ibang lebel. Ito ay nasa iba't ibang intensidad. Para sa akin, ang bawat paglalakbay ay nagsasaad ng iba't ibang anggulo ng aking buhay. Bakit ko ipagkakait ang pagkakataong mabuhay sa labas ng iginuhit na kahon? Bakit ko ipagdadamot sa sarili ko ang kaligayahang makita at matamasa ang aking tagumpay? Tayong mga tao ay may iba't ibang hilig. Kung ang iba'y maubos na ang pera sa pagbibili ng mga mamahaling pabango, bag at sapatos, ako'y hindi. Sa paglalakbay ang aking bisyo.

Ewan ko ba, minsan naiisip ko din, kung inipon ko ang lahat ng perang aking iginastos sa mga pagpunta punta sa mga lugar, malamang, makapal ang pitaka ko, ilang numero na din ang laman ng aking account sa bangko. Siyempre, nakakapanghinayang. Sa tagal kong pagtatrabaho, kung iisipin, wala akong yamang naipundar. Wala akong perang libu-libo. Ang alam kong mayroon ako ay... isanlibo't isanlaksa ng mga alaala. Milyunaryo ako sa larawan. Bilyunaryo ako sa karanasan. Ang bawat larawan ay nagsasaad ng napakaraming kwento. Ang alam ko lang, marami akong maibabahagi sa aking mga apo pag nagkataon.

Bakit ba napunta na sa alaala ang kwentong ito? Ah, basta ang napipinto kong paglalayag ay espesyal sa akin. Sana... Sana... ah basta! Sa ngayon, ang mga daliri ko'y pinagkrus ko na. Malapit na. Hindi pa nga ito panahon ng paggantsilyo, marami pang didiskubrehing pasilyo sa kastilyo! =)

keeping mum

Words are indispensable.

In my case, it's complicatedly beyond indispensability.

Sometimes, talking does all the stuffs leaving no room for discovery later on. Where is the surprise in that? Where is the mind-boggling mystery yet to be discovered? Where is the drive to delve deeper to get the whole picture? You see, talking just preempts everything.

Something happened? Not that it's life threatening.

Perhaps, I am just being paranoid. Oh well, a long list of realization. Hear this out! I realized...

...It's high time for me to just be silent from time to time. The problem lies in the sharing of thoughts and later on commanding the topic. It isn't right. Although, it could be fun but it just eliminates the ability of the others to share.

...that the more sharing goes on, the more stories are coming out which should not be told. At least not in a way that could trigger more and more questions, and yes, intrigues.

...that sometimes, my words are used against me. A simple joke can become a fact. It's relayed that fast. Message Relay much? Why do I get this feeling of being taken seriously when I am joking and being taken jokingly when I am serious? Now, I'm confused.

Little do they know about me, or there's probably something within the expression, the delivery, the manner of talking etc. There's probably something with the spark of the eyes, the movement of the lips, the mischief. Really, sometimes I get to be judged just because I have a grim face. And yes, I am oftentimes labeled as a snob. I don't know, I'm sure it's got to do with the face.

Now my solution is to talk less. Perhaps, blogging more? At least in here, this is my private space. A domain for my thoughts. Hmn, the reason why I posted this blog's link and erased it in my facebook profile. I thought, my privacy might be invaded.

Anyhow, "Words can become daggers", that is so true. But I wish to live by "Words like music, eases the burden, strengthens the soul and do away sorrow."

Talk talk talk! =)

love less

And when I asked, "Are you an NBSB no more?"

she replied, "Officially, Today!"

Whoa! So there begins the love story of a recently Ex-NBSB. Exciting, what an understatement. I'm elated., ecstatic, blissful, words that would mean same thing as overly excited and on a super high. After twenty three years, coming out of the shell is quite liberating.

Imagine the barriers you set, the defenses you built and the barricades you created, the things you do for self-protection and perhaps, pain control mechanisms. It's not that easy to let go of all that. It's never easy to gamble especially if it involves feelings. It's like in finance, it depends whether you take the chance and gamble your money on a more risky investment with a promise of bigger income or you take up steady investments, safe capital, less income. It's a crossroad. It's a mind game. It's a game of chance.

Forgive me but I know I am not in the position to state how it feels like but believe me, it's how I feel. Loving someone, romantically that is, is an investment. You win some, you lose more. But it surely depends right? It depends on the cock you are betting on, it depends on the probability of a successful relationship which by the way is to be worked out for both the two of you.

I don't exactly know if I am ready to bet on any cock. I don't think I have the gift of a good judge of character. I am more of the go-whatever-come-what-may type. He who cosmes is he who conquers. Whatever.

But anyhow, I am just happy. I am happy that a new chapter has just began. I am happy thinking that she is happy. I am excited because she is excited. I don't know where it leads her but who would know other than those two people involved in a relationship right?

As for me, the hopes are kinda low. But it doesn't mean, I completely gave up on the idea of that. It's just that, priorities are all mixed up. Less time for love. Whenever it happens, I'd be one lucky hen. Oh crap, did I say hen? I mean, chick!

So there, goodluck my recently NBSB-NO-MORE friend. You deserve the best!

(Perhaps, that's the reason why you have me? )

This Sem Beer

Is it just me or Is it the weather?

December's fast approaching and by that, it doesn't only mean saving more but trying even more. Trying what? Well, perhaps trying to continue every good thing, trying to spend more time with the ones you love, trying to lend a hand or maybe, trying to find a new flame. This world is surely about trying. Every trying begets a result.

The nights seem to be colder, start of the hustle and bustle of city streets. People getting into the rush. Floods of smiles coming up. You know, December means love. It means going out of the orddinary routine and just showing the world how to be happy. If all people would just think like that, It'll be a better world to live in. But sadly, it's too good to be true.

But even so, I love December. I love how busy I am even if the bank pours out all of my energy in a day. I love how the christmas lights do twinkle. There's an inner joy felt in that. I love how the lanterns do shimmer and how the trees grow greener. I just love how it feels. I love Santa Claus. I love Rudolf. I love how passionate people are in doing crafts for decors. I love advent. But most especially, I love how my family gathers during this time of the year. I love everything about it. It feels heavenly. It's as if the things just fall in order.

Maybe if God permits, when I get to wed someone I love, the wedding will be set on December. Just like my mom and dad's wedding. I would make a snow-themed wedding, all white and sparkling. I would pair it with silver. Ah, to dream, it feels so good. But reality check, not possible for now. Why? simple obvious as usual reason.

Anyhow, the weather gets colder, I feel a little older, wants to get bolder and needs someone's shoulder. Whatever, I love December! =)