immortal

...because friends do come and go, all I have is myself to depend on.

Some lines I heard from a song. And it seems true to me. No matter how friendships are built, no matter how solid and long-time it is, there will always be that factor that drives us to a point where the friendship is best defined. Distance for example can be a very demanding factor.

I guess what I need to have as new year's resolution is the fact that I can be with myself in plain security. Sometimes when you have so much friends, the tendency is to develop a barrier between you and other people not belonging in your cycle of friends, and even worse is the barrier you develop within your self. The presence of a person can be very consistent thus, you get used to it and eventually, if she leaves you, you'll end up hanging in open air.

Friends do come and go but even if I know the idea, I just can't seem to detach myself a little bit more clearly. It's difficult to develop fondness and eventually spit it out for the sake of letting go. But everyone needs to move on. Everyone who seems to say goodbye to someone needs to be empty to let the others enter her life.

A goodbye is not the end, it is a bridge to a lasting and more colorful friendship. The fact exists that everything will never be the same again but even then, the memories would always make you feel the same. I love to think that I am not that emotional but this is the time of my life when I need to let go and think of myself. I need to break loose and just go with the flow.

As I welcome 2011, it should be on a lighter, positive and funny note. I choose to stay as calmly and positive as possible. This is the stage of adjustment and life's like this.

So bring it on, 2011! =P

last hooray

Surprise!

Best word that I can come up to whenever I think about my life in twenty ten. It's like a gift hurriedly wrapped in plain, ordinary and simple clean sheet but the moment I opened it, I saw a diamond ring. It's like a drama movie but I end up laughing. It's like a hate letter I received from few of my detractors only to realize I read the apology and the renewed support and love. It's like an old flame realizing He's still in love with me after the major breakup. hahaha Sweet life! (beyond thinking na ata yan)

But really, 2010 has brought me a lot of memories I am sure I would treasure. Some said hello and some said goodbye. The cycle of life, but no matter what, it has still been a memorable year for me.

At 23, what, year of the ox? (I'm not sure) I have been blessed with a lot of opportunities. I have been bombarded with a lot of chances for growth and I have been poured with self- discoveries. And of course, Thank you God for all my travels. It means a lot to me.

Anyway, I'm ending it with a huge bang. Huge because I know 2011 is surely a different one, I want to be more brave, bare and spirited. I say goodbye to hundreds of my doubts and fears and frustrations. I say goodbye to my lost chances. I say goodbye to those I thought I knew and those I thought I believed. I say goodbye to broken promises. I say goodbye to unending wait for one true love. Goodbye and damn you Love! lol

Kidding aside, I need to dive. I need to take a leap and try.

Surprise is what's in for me. Surprise is getting my hands wet, splashing waters and running towards an unknown path. Surprise is to break free and move to glide. Surprise is making things happen.

Surprise me 2011! =)

overboard

My one true love, Christmas season!

There is something in it that gives me the inner joy I always wanted to feel. There is something in it that creates in me a tingling feeling of satisfaction, of completeness and most absolutely, gratefulness.

There is so much to thank Him for. The chances he gives are unimaginable.

Anyway, this season brings in me a lot of realizations. This is somewhat an out of the ordinary season for me as it stirs in a lot of emotions. Perhaps, I can say that I am growing up. I get to feel more and more of it. The self-discovery and more challenging is the acceptance.

Ho Ho Ho Ho! amidst my Hu Hu Hu Hu...

This year, It brings about all the excitement. That aside, I am half- hearted. Maybe this is my way of learning things. This is fate's way of teaching me things I ought to know.

And the flashback hit me, I am not an island, I am not that someone who is capable of staying strong the whole time within her dilemma. I choose to be weak this time. I choose to feel how it is to feel this way without suppressing my slightest emotions. I am not that immune with heartaches. I hate to think about it but that's the truth. There's no sense denying that.

When I was in kindergarten, I was popular with those whom they call, kids who got the "talent". I'd top every kid in my class in my aim to get a straight A in "vocals", why, I've got the loudest scream when my mother tends to leave me.

Funny but the present situation I am in drew me to my realization that all through out those years, I am not that independent. I would like to believe that I can stand alone and carry everything over my shoulders but in me is a kid. In me is the same kid who cried the loudest when somebody tends to leave me. In me is the kid who screams out loud and shriek, begging my mother to accompany me until my teacher says "dismissed". In me is the kid who tugs my mother's skirt and tells her to wait for me. In me is the kid who seeks company and belongingness. In me is the same kid who had trouble with anxiety.

I've gone a long, long way. I've traveled vast across lands and seas but still I have the same problem. But everybody needs to say goodbye and most logically, everybody needs to move on.

Anyhow, I know that this is just a phase. This is just a part of my growing up. I know I can handle this but I need time. I need space and I need support.

See, Christmas season is much defined nowadays. But even so, this is still my favorite time of the year. More Love and Love, that's all I need!

masko!

Family Affair!

Funny how my company party turns out to be a family affair. From my fab dress to my unique mask, everyone's just too busy for it. It's not as if I'm complaining instead I am delighted and grateful to know that everyone is helping me out.

So, the party is like in two days. There goes my black dress shining like a black horse's hair. There goes my shoes(my gosh! I'm not so sure if I'd be able to carry it very well), there goes my mask (It did not hide anything), there goes the accessories, oh I forgot, I haven't got any yet.

Anyhow, I am excited for Saturday's event. I'm not so sure if I'd be looking like a gossip girl coming out from the elite society of New York City, perhaps, I'd just be one of the crowd, normal looking, not so pleasing, not so pitiful. I'd just be me. lol

So yes, my good friend bought her mask in SG. My other good friend made hers and it looked really nice. (remember the girl I told you? The one who I was with in the textile department? with her own concept? It's her). My mate told me that it could've been easier for me if I just bought a ready-made mask, she should know, I am creative by heart. I do not intend to buy because I know I can make it.

Funny how I thought seriously about my concept. I had my way of knowing specifically my materials. It's DIY to the highest level. I slept at four in the morning to do my first mask and decided to undo everything a week after. I have revised my mask three times! And the final output...hmnn for me, it was still unsatisfactory. Boo!

My friend laughed when I told her that my mask did not come as expected. I just wasted my time, effort and money lang daw. But seriously speaking, I have no regrets. I mean, it is such a pleasure to work with thy two hands, with thy brain cells on its active mode and with thy judgment to be reasonably followed. It is only in these kinds of activities that I feel satisfaction, that I feel worthy, and that I feel I can do something extraordinary from the ordinary.

And that led me to the point of realization that I want to be in the creative field. I want to be an architect, an engineer, a designer, or even a simple mananahi. I want to achieve something. I want to see outputs. I want to build concept and make it material. I want to produce and I want more of it.

To top of it all, I want to be a dancer, a professional one, the best in town! lol The irony of aging is that, when you already want to resign from the things you normally do, or says goodbye to those stuffs, it comes right back to you, trying to persuade you, knocking you off so you won't be able to say no. I felt as if this was the start of my dancing career.

Almost three years ago, I got hired, prior to that, I don't do dancing as I am flawed in this field, but the moment I stepped in to this job, there's always this chance of letting me join dances. It became a habit and now it made me think, I must've been a dancer in my past life? YES! lol

But yes, I appreciate how my OLDER sister got so concerned with my look on Saturday's event that she bought me a dress, asked her classmate (in FIDA) how to sew a balloony skirt and voila! called me and instructed me to rush home for my outfit and as soon as she was about to sew my dress, she got fumed and lose the patience, called pop and asked him to come home... the next thing I knew, Pop created my balloony skirt while Mom, as if in spectacle checked every hemline while KR was supporting OLDER sis.

You see, that's how things work in our home. One party can become a party of everyone. So panu, sana man lang may pagkain akong ma bring home? or cash prize kaya? para man lang macompromise ang effort as a family affair?

HMNNNN... pwede! :))

till next time

It isn't just me.

The feeling of emptiness rushing through my veins and even before it happens, I am preparing myself. The truth hurts. The truth guarantees my loneliness and the truth is, I have to face it.

I learned awhile ago that my sister's good friend is feeling just exactly how I feel. You know, seems like a door is closing on your very face. It seems like getting one's self ready for the inevitable and yet, you don't know how.

The sad thing is, no matter how I try to prepare for it, still I just couldn't accept it as easy as I thought. Funny when I think about my sister's friend, trying to gather herself back again. She often refuses lunch invitation because she wants to have it alone. Somewhat, preparing herself for her going solo since my ate is leaving her in CDO. I heard that she's losing it, nakakawalang gana daw since she'll be left alone in their so-called battlefield. And surely daw, she'll miss the times when they do things their way, and that everything will never be the same again.

Pwede maka-relate? Because seriously, that's how I truly feel. I am like a soldier where all my mates went MIA and it's only me who's left, fighting the battle alone. If truth be told, I dread this feeling. This is one of those times I wish I never really cared much about rapport and relationships. I wish I was insensitive. I wish I would never feel like this again.

I know it's for a better reason. I know it has something good in it but no matter how I think about all those goodness and reasons, I just couldn't help myself from falling apart. I just couldn't help but feel like going back to scratch again.

It must be the same feeling when a family have to say goodbye to an OFW family member in search for a greener pasture. I once heard, it pains the one who left but it pains much more for those who are left. I guess that makes sense.

December has in it the excitement and joy but at the same time, sadness and distraught. My good friend is leaving me. After almost three years of being together, from getting hired, experiencing from day one training until daily basis in this bank job, she's resigning effectively on the 31st of December. New Year, would surely be a new year for me.

But anyway, what keeps me going is what I read from her resignation letter, she noted "I thank this company for giving me the chance but I am resigning to PURSUE my OTHER DREAMS". If there's any consolation, it is her, making her dreams come true. And I realized that friendships should be like that. It doesn't matter who's to leave or be left, what matters is the giving in, the support and the care you show for her to grow. No matter how painful it is for me, I have to let her go, after all, it's her life, her dreams to chase.

But I guess, what's left for me are the memories we had together... the good and bad times we shared. (Okay, stop the melodramatic tone. I hate it.) It should come easy, yes, it should be.

But until the 31st of December, I should just chill and let it happen. I've got no hold of everything. I'll just wait for that day, hoping my heart goes blank to avoid pain or opens up to accept the changes.

Wish me luck. And oh, my sister's good friend, since we're on the same shoes. It isn't just me, right?

forward

IMY!

It's been months since I stopped my schooling. Of course, it takes a hell lot of me to just stay where I am and stop my mind from all those negative thinking. I always tell myself that there's a lot bigger picture I am to be into.

Being in school is something that really amazes me. Working and schooling is a different thing. Well, I could not definitely say that everything is so difficult to do. Surely, I had fun moments to recall.

But one thing is for sure, I miss school. I miss how I panic every time I look at the clock and it's close to six pm. I miss how I relay what I learned and talk as if I know more. ( I don't) I miss how I hang out with my classmates even though at times, I can be very, very exclusive. (almost antisocial, pamati much?) I miss how I get these hands cold from nervousness every time my professor would pick a lucky winner to answer his questions (and I'd prayed so hard, I wouldn't stand up and be humiliated)and of course, I miss how Anita and I chit chat secretly over a piece of paper, where all I gotta do is read and write. ( the paper would look like a thrash after) Awww, good times!

Either way, this is a choice I gotta make. This is a decision although rush and unexplainable, I am to believe that I did it for a bigger purpose. I am to believe that everything will be cool. At least I get to rest. I get to have time with some other less-cared things. Or perhaps, it's about time to get a boypren! lol

For now, I'm into steady mode. Keep cool over all these and I know it will pass. It's high time I get to pursue my other dreams. It's high time I get a quality time for people who matters and it's probably high time to learn how to rest. (oh c'mon!)

Anyway, this is it for now. Although IMY school. IMY, my classmates, IMY, my panicking moments... I am looking forward to something more. I am looking forward to a greater chapter. (Hope it includes my love life. lol)