Regret

Anniversary…

Talked with A yesterday. She said, “P, let’s take a leave on the 8^th of Aug to mark our first anniversary here in SG” and I said, “one year… ahh! Have we become better?” She said, “of course!”

Wow. Such conviction you have in there. Memories flashed…

Looking back, I traded my job to something unknown. I’ve been receiving enough, getting the best benefits, having fabulous leaves where I can travel to anywhere with my good friends (who also belonged to the same company and been given the chance to be allowed altogether for a leave) and most importantly, meeting really interesting people… and then, BOOM! I chose to leap out of it. Do I have regrets?

Apparently, when you’re 24, it is the time of your life when you seek for more, aim for more, imagine more… I felt there was something in store for me out of my company, like I am destined to do more, and of course, see the world beyond my horizon. What’s in the other end? 24 was a perfect time!

Now at 25, the feeling slowly subsides. Yes, I do aim for more, imagine more but I now seek less…

I mean, within almost a year, I have gained a lot of experience. I was able to see things from a different perspective, and perhaps, I was able to know which is more important to me. At 25, I think and feel that I have learned so much. I feel life got me in one blow and I was stunned. I was taken aback, but I chose to stay still.

Seriously, this may seem very unconvincing, but most of my closest friends and family told me that I’ve changed. (I totally hope it’s for the better though). At 25, I look and feel like I am 35. I’ve got worries of a mother (with 6 kids) plus the imaginings of an old, senile woman. Like Duh!?  What the hell! I just can’t stop myself from feeling that way.

But then I am learning, I now seek less because I know that what’s meant for me always finds it way towards me. I can’t say the fire is ceasing to burn, it’s just that Sometimes, the best way to face the world is to care less about its details. Take things light and just go with it, there’s just no point resisting.

A lot of people who see the façade, remark about how happy-go-lucky, young-wild-and-free-ish my life is, but if only people knew that I’ve got the brains of a mean machine that never stops itself from doing its function, too influential that it affects the whole of me, if they only knew, then they’d never want to be with me. I am a burden. A mixed, bipolar persona who thinks so much about the world.

Good thing there are people stuck with me. They’ve no choice. Haha. Anyway, Answering, Have I become better? Any regrets?

I can say I do. It’s true that experiences change who you are and how you see the world. The more you become closely connected with nothing but yourself, the more you feel appreciative of the people who stick with you. I feel that the one year has made an impact on me, I’ve reconsidered so many options that I find point-blankly odd and unacceptable.

As for regrets, I am so sure I will regret if I didn’t take the chance to be here. 

call me baby

Insane…

My sissy has gone nuts! I can’t believe it.

Imagine, she told me, “girl, I think it’s time for you to marry!”

Like huh?!?! Can you hear yourself? Are talking Greek? Am I pregnant? LOL

Not that I am tolerating, but, at this age? At this time of my life? And the bigger question is, who’s the groom?

As I’ve said before, one of my wildest dreams is to marry at 23. (My mum married at 20.) But I’m past the age so it will always be a wild dream. 25, this age, yes, I can marry. In fact, I feel I am ready for it. So much for being independent.

But yun na nga, sino? Like if pwede pa lang bumili, bibili ako ng lima at itatry ko na agad sino sa kanila ang magwork. But hindi nga ganun, it’s Love or nothing. Bakit naman ako papasok sa isang relationship na kahit mag holding hands e di ko maimagine, what’s the point?

And although there are few guys who come in contact with me, asking choovachoo, di naman ganun kadali yun. It takes time. Ewan ko ba, minsan over naman tung puso ko, parang walang nakikita. Sa isip ko, ok na e, go na, sa puso ko, di parin.

Undeniably, I get all panicky lalo na when people my age are going steady, about to marry or has a developing fetus inside. I get silent and trapped in a pandora’s box, thinking, bakit ba kay tagal naman nung akin?

Or maybe, I am too idealistic, baka afterall, my beliefs and principles are nothing but stupid hindrances to further growth? Hay naku! Depressing. My sissy told me, “know how to ride the boat, if it gets wavy, wave, if it gets faster, go fast, and don’t be too one-sided, that’s foolish.”

Yun na nga e, ang laki ng problema ko. One flaw, leads to another, and another until totally X na! hay buhay. I can’t imagine my life not having a hubby and yes, kiddos. That would make my biggest fears come alive.

This may sound lame, but since ikaw at ako lang naman makakabasa nito, pwede ko na ring sabihing, mejo overdue na talaga ako sa deadline. Pero ano naman gagawin ko, go for it kahit di naman intense yung feelings ko?

Minsan may mga lalake ding nakakainis e, gusto mo na nga, pa ayaw ayaw pa. Susme naman, e ako pa ang mag eeffort? Flirting 101? Oh come on! I may have the face of a flirty flirt but seriously, ako’y isang aminadong Maria Clara! So come to my terms or walang mangyayari.

And siguro nga mali yun, kasi from the past, walang umeffort ng bongga, so maybe I am asking too much. Hay ayoko nang isipin, nakakapagod.

Basta Lord, tulungan nyo naman po ako, kung sino man sya magpakita na sya at ng mabistahan. Di ba Lord, sa bawat kaldero may nakalaang takip, may nakalaang takip naman sakin Diba? Please help him make his way to me, safe and sound, alive and kicking! My hugs and kisses are waiting for him!

I’m going crazy na din, so call me baby! :P

why fret

Envy.

Envy is a vicious mental sickness that brings nothing but self-pity. It turns a person into a monster, lowly and pathetic.

Life is never fair. (Cliché as it may sound) Alright not that I am not being bitter, just saying, it is a fact.

While I feel so blessed, sometimes I feel that I always come second-best. I don’t get the gold; I just get the bronze or the consolation prize. Sometimes, I am driven to feel envious of people, who get what they always wish, grab what is always best, sometimes, of more than what they deserved. (in my assessment)

But who am I to complain? Who am I to be green and feel envious of other’s success or blessings? That would make me nothing but a creepy lil psycho who aims too much, selfish and brute.

The challenge I am facing is the challenge of survival. Sure, I can lament, why can’t I get the things that I want, I can ask “why” for a million times but will that make me any better? My bigger challenge is to accept things as it is.

I have learned that the world does not revolve around a persona like me, the earth is vast and so as its needs.

I am learning to accept things that I cannot control.

Because in this lifetime, it doesn’t matter how much wealth you’ve accumulated, it doesn’t matter how plenty of people know you, it doesn’t matter how far you’ve come to the ladder of success… Life is more than that.

What matters is the ability to thank God for every blessing, ability to share even the littlest of things and the ability not to expect something in return.

If I just take a little closer, What I have, Who I’m with, Where I am, I know someone out there is looking at me and telling herself, “Oh, this girl’s so lucky!”

So why fret? 

selos

BABALA. ANG POST NA ITO AY NAGLALAMAN NG DI MGA KANAIS NAIS NA LAMAN. Lol

So ano ba ang ipinuputok ng butse ko? Wala. Mga walang kwentang bagay. Walang kwentang damdamin para sa mga walang kwentang tao.

Hear this out, sa walang kakwenta kwentang dahilan di ko ma stand ang pagtingin tingin sa profile nila. Bakit? Kasi nga walang kwenta. Di ko din alam kung ano yung talagang napi feel ko.

Must be selos right? Haha okay aaminin ko na. SLIGHT.

It isn’t naman reasonable to feel anger towards them. Wag ganun. The opposite of love is hate. So di naman ganun ka importante para pagtuunan ng ganung emosyon. Too intense. And although it sounds bitter, bakit ba? I am just being true. I don’t hate nor dislike them, I just feel di ko pa lang bet makipag chummy chummy. Psychological reasons.

Sa ngayun, di ko pa lang siguro lubos na maaccept. But I know in time, I’ll just go over their profiles and laugh at myself for being nonchalantly funny. Imagine, di ko kunwari tinitingnan, at once, binlock ko pa? para ano? Ewan ko. I just felt it was the right thing to do, to shut off people in my life na nagkocause ng discomfort sakin. Funny diba? As if may karapatan.

Someday, this story is worth telling. This is hilarious. Imagine, feelingerang affected e di naman kasali sa eksena? Ito ay isang laugh trip in the future. For now, di ko nalang muna iseshare kasi di ko pa ganap na tanggap. Parang buhos na buhos pa ang aking atensyon dun and somehow nasasaktan ako.

Not naman, in its basic most hurtful form, nasasaktan yung pride ko kasi di ako yung pinili. Parang contest lang yan e, no matter how happy you are sa fate nung nanalo, syempre may mapifeel ka parin kahit konting bitterness para sa self mo. Aminin.

Or siguro, nasasaktan talaga ang mga umaasa kahit papaano. Kasi naman, nagkecreate ka na ng scenes mo sa isip mo yun pala hanggang sa isip lang. Yung ganun? Parang broken promises. Yung hanggang bibig lang pala ang lahat. So yun, I don’t like promises, if you do something, do it first before you make pabida rather than vice versa, atleast may nakita na ako.

Added to this is the pressure, friends are putting on. Kesyo kung nasaktan ba daw ako, susme, magbablack nalang ang lahat ng white sa mundo, nuncang aamin ako. May mga paprotect protect pa silang nalalaman. I find it funny, how do you intend to protect someone when that someone never really admitted the true cause?

Which brings me, somehow, I am glad I never really admitted anything. Or else, masasaktan ng bonggang bongga yung pride ko. Pero di nga, bakit ba ako affected? Hindi talaga dapat. Kaloka! I try to inject some sense sa napupurol ko na utak. Mali taalga na magsour graping. Mali na magcompare at lalong mali yung makafeel ng mga strange emotions kasi wala talagang karapatan.

Is this normal? Or once again, Am I abnormal?
Hay naku! Ang puso ko. Dapat talaga makakilala ng maraming maraming mga prospects, only then kasi marerecognize ko kung ano talaga yung true feelings ko. Baka naman kasi I am just blinded kasi for years, tinreasure ko sya, yun pala pilak lang yung akala kong ginto na!

Hay Precious, di ka pa nasanay!?

chosen one

I really, really, as in twice my age, like you.

My BFF A had our late night talk na naman again last night. We watched a tv show about Pan Am Flight attendants and she blurted out, “bakit kaya may nahahanap agad silang mga boys?” pointing on how the girls are going out with the boys on a stopover flight. Then I told her, “yan kasi we’re so immature” LOL

Seriously, it’s not naman immature as in irresponsible, immature in a sense na, di pa fully na develop yung womanhood. I know it sounds quite awkward considering our ages kaso that’s the most logical reason I can think of at the moment.

Kasi naman, while others our age or younger than we are, are having babies, creating a family, happily engaged or new to a relationship, kami naman is again and again, waiting pa. Ano yung hinihintay? Well, di ko din alam. Naghihintay kay Mr. Perfect? Which we all know as non-existent?

Ang hirap eh, ang hirap sumugal sa isang lalake na wala ka naming nafi feel kahit na isang kusing na kalandian. Super flat. I remembered telling A, “once I get back, I won’t overthink anymore, go lang ng go!” Why? Kasi di na bagay sakin kung magpapatweetums pako noh, sa tanda kong to!

Let’s face it, by this time, ideally, at least my serious or getting there BF na ako. Why? Because I wish to be married at 27 or 28 and have a child a year after. I wish to build up my own family habang bata pa ako because I want to have kids na di naman ako sobrang tanda na tingnan when they reach their teenage years and by the time, they finish school, I can still afford to travel some place else with them.

Somebody told me, “how will I court you? Should I stay in Davao once you get back?” well, Ideally, you should, but I won’t interfere whatever plans you have. Court lang naman diba? But be it known, I am not a fan of courtships especially long ones. I find it boring, kasi pag ganyan, nabibigyan akong chance to say no, whereas kung sasabihin mong, Let’s get steady, I can just oblige. Weird diba?

Maybe that’s the reason why hindi umubra yung mga lalake from the past, kasi I am a thrill seeker, sometimes I feel thrilled pag impulsive yung pag agree ko. Like, if I buy something online, pinag iisipan ko but in the end, I just click BUY in no pattern thing.

Again, I am not fond of long courtships and the likes, it makes me feel unreal, parang I have to do this, do that just because you have this idea that girls who are courted are like this or that. I don’t like being boxed in. For me, it’s so much better pa nga if we start out as friends, that way, I know you because you are you and not what you pretend to be. Courting as an act just puts so much pressure that’s why di ko masyadong bet.

So when I say I like you, might as well to grab the chance. Kasi it takes a lot of pride for me to say that, and mind you, ang isa pag pinipili marami ang tinanggihan. :))

if i die young

I’d die young.

It’s my theory. Maybe, I am most certain of. I think I’d die of heart attack or something of that sort. Why, all the signs are showing. I just can’t take a surprise when it’s horrible.

At 25, I have a mild heart ailment. The doctor told me, the doors of my heart are banging mad after the blood is pumped out. I can feel it. Sometimes, it seems like my heart is skipping a beat, romantic as it may sound, but mine’s literal.

I remembered Oral recitations in Law school exercise my heart too much. My hands get cold and my voice gets shaky. I go on cramming, trying to recall what I read but every time I do so, my heartbeat is louder than my mind thus, distracting me.

My god! I am so young to feel this painful, biting strain in my heart. The reason why I don’t like riding roller coasters is because I fear that I couldn’t bear it.

I think that my façade as a strong-willed, independent and go-wherever attitude just works so well that whenever I feel sad, lonely or depressed, the people around me find it hard to believe. But deep inside the centre of my being, my heart is strained.

I realized that suppressing emotions is not a good practice. No matter how I come off tough, I am still a kid in distress. While it’s true that I don’t shed a tear that easily, it is because once I do so, that is the purest, most hurtful, almost giving up stage for me.

One thing is for sure, I cannot take heavy loads. Although I seem to have a heart of stone, I am in my most distraught state on the inside. Plus my mind is a being on its own, it just function over and beyond its normal capacity to think.

Who would not die young when all you insides are rebelling up against each other?

But who am I to know when to die when after all, this is just a borrowed life. I cannot demand to stay longer or go sooner, it isn’t my discretion, it’s my creator’s!

Dear

Dear Lord,

If I could use a wish right now and you would grant it immediately, I wish that my family will be as healthy as one could be.

I am in an emotional turmoil. My thoughts are the worst and I just can’t sleep right. Lord,
Please make mama well. I beg of you to never allow her to suffer. Please let it all be okay. Let it not be fatal.

I wouldn’t wish just for myself anymore, just for my family to be healthy and happy.

Please Lord?

Love,