if i die young

I’d die young.

It’s my theory. Maybe, I am most certain of. I think I’d die of heart attack or something of that sort. Why, all the signs are showing. I just can’t take a surprise when it’s horrible.

At 25, I have a mild heart ailment. The doctor told me, the doors of my heart are banging mad after the blood is pumped out. I can feel it. Sometimes, it seems like my heart is skipping a beat, romantic as it may sound, but mine’s literal.

I remembered Oral recitations in Law school exercise my heart too much. My hands get cold and my voice gets shaky. I go on cramming, trying to recall what I read but every time I do so, my heartbeat is louder than my mind thus, distracting me.

My god! I am so young to feel this painful, biting strain in my heart. The reason why I don’t like riding roller coasters is because I fear that I couldn’t bear it.

I think that my façade as a strong-willed, independent and go-wherever attitude just works so well that whenever I feel sad, lonely or depressed, the people around me find it hard to believe. But deep inside the centre of my being, my heart is strained.

I realized that suppressing emotions is not a good practice. No matter how I come off tough, I am still a kid in distress. While it’s true that I don’t shed a tear that easily, it is because once I do so, that is the purest, most hurtful, almost giving up stage for me.

One thing is for sure, I cannot take heavy loads. Although I seem to have a heart of stone, I am in my most distraught state on the inside. Plus my mind is a being on its own, it just function over and beyond its normal capacity to think.

Who would not die young when all you insides are rebelling up against each other?

But who am I to know when to die when after all, this is just a borrowed life. I cannot demand to stay longer or go sooner, it isn’t my discretion, it’s my creator’s!