biggest worry

Sleepless.

I went from sleeping the whole of Saturday afternoon to sleepless on Sunday evening.

The wicked illness of Mama strikes again. Seriously, I can never get used to feeling really worried about her.

I think that working too young takes a toll on her body and manifested now that she’s quite old.

I am a daughter. I love my family more that anything else in this world. I love them all in the same intensity as I love myself. It worries me that I hear complains of pain and vomiting. I just couldn’t stop myself from thinking the worst. Please God.

The sad fact about being a small family is that, there is only a few of you who worries about each other. The gravity of a concern maximizes in a manner that isolates all the other issues in life.

My sister messaged me and told me she worries about Mama. She then told me that she is vomiting again and had fever last night. I was supposed to sleep early but I couldn’t just shake it off and prepare to bed. So I messaged her back asking how Mama is doing. I also messaged Papa and demanded an update. I waited for their SMS but I haven’t received any and it’s 12MN. I worried myself to sleep. I prayed earnestly that everything goes well. I couldn’t sleep. It’s like taking a series of nap. I am on the lookout for a beeping on my phone.

When it comes to health, I am always in a panic mode. I have witnessed a number of times when we need to rush Mama in the hospital for asthma attack. And each time, I am left paranoid. Maybe that is the reason why I am never encouraged to take up nursing. As true as it gets, being a responder in an emergency of non-family is okay. I mean, you can do your duty as professional as you can be, but when it involves a family member, I do not think I can very well function.

Friends do tell me that I have all the more reason to take up a medical-related course, but really, when I was younger I saw it in my own two eyes, the panic, the rattle, the shock, it’s just too much for me. I do not want to experience the same emotional roller coaster again and again. Lucky are those who have a very healthy family, they never experienced all that I have gone through especially in medical emergencies. I was young then, it scared the hell lot of me. And it etched in my mind. I am still scared. It will never change.

And in those moments, it never fails to make me realize how helpless we are without God. It makes me realize how short life is and how miraculous it is to still have woken up and breathe today. It never fails to make me appreciate the blessings that I receive everyday and the push to renew my life so when I meet God in person, I know I am ready too. With all my troubles, I just can’t do anything about it because my knowledge and capacity is limited but God’s love is everlasting.

I am always worried about my mother. It’s my biggest worry, if truth be told. But what can I do? I’m shaking off the feeling because I know God is bigger than all my worries and problems. I surrender it all to Him. He knows what we all deserve. He knows best and He has a great plan for each one of us. Lord, ikaw na po ang bahala.

PS Santa

Dear Santa,

I just miss you. I just miss what you represent and I miss every single one that reminds me of you. You see, I do see you a lot--- in buses, commercial ads and downtown posters but really, I just see you through my eyes and not in my heart.

Please don’t get me wrong Santa. I still believe in you. It’s just that my daily life has been taking a toll on me and whenever I hear your songs or your signature laugh, I just cannot feel you that much anymore.

Forgive me Santa as I am consumed by stress and work pressure, aggravated by the fact that I am now living in a foreign land where not many celebrates you.

I miss you Santa. I miss the feeling that you brought me in my past Christmases.

Please understand me for now Santa. I promise to make it up to you soonest.

PS. I’ll still be expecting my gift wrapped in glittery ribbons. Thanks in advance.

Love,

setbacks

I am grateful for minor setbacks because it makes me realize major details of a relationship. Friendship is not an exemption.

When I give, I give it all out. I do not hold back because I trust that the person is worthy enough of what I can offer. I do believe that I am the kind of friend who will be ready to dance in the rain with you. I don’t care if it involves the rain and FLOOD, as long as I promised to be with you, then, I will surely be there.

When I give, I do not expect anything but loyalty. And yes, perhaps I expect that all the goodness will radiate into you too. But sadly, as much as I’d like it to be free-flowing and natural, sometimes, it reaches a point when one is not willing.

Right then and there, I am brought to a major halt. Friends close, enemies closer. Do not trust too much on someone because at one point, betrayal is a curse. I am thankful though that these setbacks occur. It is for me to open my eyes and not to lose everything completely to the person I have grown to be closed to.

I do think that if I shall invest, I better invest it in my family rather than friends. Do not get me wrong. I love my friends but sometimes when you give so much, you empty yourself and you begin to wonder if any of it shall be returned back to you. And you won’t receive any. It makes you bitter.

I am reminded to take it slow. I am reminded that whatever I have, I shall not lose it in an instant just because one is too close or too concerned. There should still be that shaded part of you which shall envelope a mystery for them not to cross the line just because you are too good or too nice. A balance is good.

I don’t easily get mad. I don’t count what I’ve given; in fact, I do think giving makes me ultimately happy. But really, some people are just too good at receiving and are not willing to give back, especially to others. I do get frustrated when things don’t go out as I expect them to be but I will be okay sooner that one expects me to be.

I do forgive quite easily but I do not forget and it keeps playing on my mind like a broken record. I keep track of it. I think that when someone abuses kindness, that someone shall be dealt with accordingly. I am not mean but I could be. 

pitch black

Dark.

I looked around and I saw nothing but darkness. I am lying in bed chasing sleep. I am dead tired. My nerves are pulsing through; I can almost feel their scream rallying over my head. I tried to reposition myself, I should get some sleep.

1 AM. I saw the luminous clock beside my bed. Geez. It’s frustrating to know how I tried to go to bed early but ends up still awake in this unholy hour. Should I just get up? Maybe I can scribble some unfinished scripts or begin my abandoned diary. Perhaps, I’d just read. I’ll read until my eyes hurt and beg me to stop.

But I cannot force myself to be up. I lay there motionless watching the pitch black ceiling as if I see something. I can hear my heartbeat drowned by the snore of my roomie. Ah, she’s dreaming by now. One of those rare nights that I am on her shoe while she’s on mine. I need to sleep.

I tried counting the sheep. Closed my eyes and focused on black. I can go on and on. I heard a footstep. Then I heard the water free flowing from the faucet. So the other roomie is here now. It’s dawn. I am still struggling to find sleep.

I tried to relax. I reformed my pillow into something more comfortable. All the tensions in my muscles, I let it go. My mind wandered. Gosh! Please not now, mind. I had a tough day. I need to rest. I need to be in wild abandon. For it is only in my sleep that I lose all the inhibitions and control over my bullied self.

I am empty. I am drained--- physically, mentally and emotionally. The thing about independence is the ability to decide for or against your self. I’d like to believe that among my decisions, most of it is pro-self but I end up antagonizing every single light of hope. With this in mind, I get more drained.

What is wrong with having to fall? What is wrong with committing mistakes? Why do I get infamously down after one mistake to another? I hate it. I feel as though I am losing one streak after another. Series of unfortunate events.

Christmas is coming up. I do not feel as festive as I was in the previous Christmases. I do not know. The sad bug is lingering over me and I’m trapped in it. I pray I’d find more strength in overcoming my downs. It won’t rain forever, will it?

A beep on the clock startled me.

3AM. Gosh! This is way past my bedtime. I have an early day with a high chance of rainfall a.k.a overtime tomorrow. I need strength to go through the day. And errr… night.

When were you when I need you the most? Sleep. I am yawning at the thought. Oh wait, I yawned. This is a sign. I need to close my eyes now. No more thinking.

Dark.

numbers

TWENTY ONE.

I can only smile at the thought. I am the giddy, enthusiastic and idealistic girl.

I love how I prepped up for interviews, I love the attention. I love the thought that I am a young girl chasing her dreams, trying to make a difference in this huge world. It’s not that huge really. I love being who I am. I can brave it all and come running towards home whenever I want to.

TWENTY TWO.

I grinned at myself. There is nothing much difference. I now work in a bank. Have a source of income and spend much for myself. Savings? That’s not of the equation. I will travel whenever a promo shows itself. I will go wherever the path leads me.

TWENTY THREE.

Where are the guys at? I am beginning to think that I am a commodity for display. My travels take up most of my excitement, pretty much different from other girls my age. Smiling at the thought.

TWENTY FOUR.

For some weird reasons, I find myself, looking for more. What is on the other side of the world? When will I begin exploring? But wait, I got a good job, I have school on my list too. But really, at 30, will I ever leave this place? Will I have this chance again? I’ll close my eyes and take the flight, If I fall, I shall stand up and forget the whole thing. I am defiant. I know I am being a fool. Who cares?

TWENTY FIVE.

I indeed took the risk. The beginning is as hard as every beginning. I cannot imagine what I just did. I feel super alone. Super independent. Super homesick. I am super in most aspects. I feel as though I have turned my life 360 degrees. I love how sufficient I am. I am harbouring strong emotions, I never thought I have. I am brave enough to go on.

TWENTY SIX.

I am half amused. What did I do in the last 5 years of my life? I think I need to stop being restless. Or wait, have I made the most out of my explorations? What do I love most? What are my priorities? How do I see myself, 2 years from now? 

sow

I’ve never been a fan of parents who tolerate their kids’ beck and call especially in the malls.

I find it annoying for kids to go in tantrums whenever their wishes aren’t granted. For me, it’s the duty of the parents to let their kids learn the value of discipline.

I think that every manner and right conduct is best enforced by parents because family is the basic unit in the society and all the values should be formed well in that small group. It irks me to see kids who go wild in malls especially when they are pointing stuff to buy for them.

My parents were key disciplinarians in my time. I didn’t have the chance to even go wild because a mere pointing can subject me to my “hearing” later on. My mom would do her tiger look and I knew, right then and there that I cannot push it any further.

I believe that whenever a child grows up to be a spoiled brat, during his/ her childhood, certain qualities show when he/she reaches adulthood. I do not think these qualities are outgrown but are brought forward as a manifestation.

Why do we think that some people are greedy? Because when they were kids, they used to get what they always want. By hook or by crook.

My recent encounter with a brat happened just recently. Basing from her stories, she was an uncontained child. She bullied her tutor, her classmates and very well perfected the art of going berserk once her wishes aren’t granted. Currently, she is an adult, owning her salary in whole and getting allowances from her parents every now and then, hot-tempered and would speak ill about any body without care when one gets into her nerves. And mind you, she does have tantrums, still! At age 34, would you believe?

I don’t own that I am one of her temperamental subjects because I simply do not have the patience to deal with her. I mean, I can act nonchalant about it because she was never directly involving me into her latest issues. Plus, I cannot stand BRATS.

Also, I have come to know someone who is a big brat by beating his wife and cheating on her. What a loser! At one instance, I found the wife (who is a friend) tagging her mother-in-law, asking her how she have brought up her child as a wife-beater and a complete a**hole. Awkward!

Again, my take on this is that, most of what we are today would show how we are brought up by our parents. True, there are certain influences around us, but most often than not, we are greatly influenced by what we saw and learned growing up.

Parenthood is such a challenging role. We reap what we sow.