biggest worry

Sleepless.

I went from sleeping the whole of Saturday afternoon to sleepless on Sunday evening.

The wicked illness of Mama strikes again. Seriously, I can never get used to feeling really worried about her.

I think that working too young takes a toll on her body and manifested now that she’s quite old.

I am a daughter. I love my family more that anything else in this world. I love them all in the same intensity as I love myself. It worries me that I hear complains of pain and vomiting. I just couldn’t stop myself from thinking the worst. Please God.

The sad fact about being a small family is that, there is only a few of you who worries about each other. The gravity of a concern maximizes in a manner that isolates all the other issues in life.

My sister messaged me and told me she worries about Mama. She then told me that she is vomiting again and had fever last night. I was supposed to sleep early but I couldn’t just shake it off and prepare to bed. So I messaged her back asking how Mama is doing. I also messaged Papa and demanded an update. I waited for their SMS but I haven’t received any and it’s 12MN. I worried myself to sleep. I prayed earnestly that everything goes well. I couldn’t sleep. It’s like taking a series of nap. I am on the lookout for a beeping on my phone.

When it comes to health, I am always in a panic mode. I have witnessed a number of times when we need to rush Mama in the hospital for asthma attack. And each time, I am left paranoid. Maybe that is the reason why I am never encouraged to take up nursing. As true as it gets, being a responder in an emergency of non-family is okay. I mean, you can do your duty as professional as you can be, but when it involves a family member, I do not think I can very well function.

Friends do tell me that I have all the more reason to take up a medical-related course, but really, when I was younger I saw it in my own two eyes, the panic, the rattle, the shock, it’s just too much for me. I do not want to experience the same emotional roller coaster again and again. Lucky are those who have a very healthy family, they never experienced all that I have gone through especially in medical emergencies. I was young then, it scared the hell lot of me. And it etched in my mind. I am still scared. It will never change.

And in those moments, it never fails to make me realize how helpless we are without God. It makes me realize how short life is and how miraculous it is to still have woken up and breathe today. It never fails to make me appreciate the blessings that I receive everyday and the push to renew my life so when I meet God in person, I know I am ready too. With all my troubles, I just can’t do anything about it because my knowledge and capacity is limited but God’s love is everlasting.

I am always worried about my mother. It’s my biggest worry, if truth be told. But what can I do? I’m shaking off the feeling because I know God is bigger than all my worries and problems. I surrender it all to Him. He knows what we all deserve. He knows best and He has a great plan for each one of us. Lord, ikaw na po ang bahala.