pitch black

Dark.

I looked around and I saw nothing but darkness. I am lying in bed chasing sleep. I am dead tired. My nerves are pulsing through; I can almost feel their scream rallying over my head. I tried to reposition myself, I should get some sleep.

1 AM. I saw the luminous clock beside my bed. Geez. It’s frustrating to know how I tried to go to bed early but ends up still awake in this unholy hour. Should I just get up? Maybe I can scribble some unfinished scripts or begin my abandoned diary. Perhaps, I’d just read. I’ll read until my eyes hurt and beg me to stop.

But I cannot force myself to be up. I lay there motionless watching the pitch black ceiling as if I see something. I can hear my heartbeat drowned by the snore of my roomie. Ah, she’s dreaming by now. One of those rare nights that I am on her shoe while she’s on mine. I need to sleep.

I tried counting the sheep. Closed my eyes and focused on black. I can go on and on. I heard a footstep. Then I heard the water free flowing from the faucet. So the other roomie is here now. It’s dawn. I am still struggling to find sleep.

I tried to relax. I reformed my pillow into something more comfortable. All the tensions in my muscles, I let it go. My mind wandered. Gosh! Please not now, mind. I had a tough day. I need to rest. I need to be in wild abandon. For it is only in my sleep that I lose all the inhibitions and control over my bullied self.

I am empty. I am drained--- physically, mentally and emotionally. The thing about independence is the ability to decide for or against your self. I’d like to believe that among my decisions, most of it is pro-self but I end up antagonizing every single light of hope. With this in mind, I get more drained.

What is wrong with having to fall? What is wrong with committing mistakes? Why do I get infamously down after one mistake to another? I hate it. I feel as though I am losing one streak after another. Series of unfortunate events.

Christmas is coming up. I do not feel as festive as I was in the previous Christmases. I do not know. The sad bug is lingering over me and I’m trapped in it. I pray I’d find more strength in overcoming my downs. It won’t rain forever, will it?

A beep on the clock startled me.

3AM. Gosh! This is way past my bedtime. I have an early day with a high chance of rainfall a.k.a overtime tomorrow. I need strength to go through the day. And errr… night.

When were you when I need you the most? Sleep. I am yawning at the thought. Oh wait, I yawned. This is a sign. I need to close my eyes now. No more thinking.

Dark.