rebellion

Travel is the purest form of rebellion…

True, you rebel in such a way that you follow your heart despite your mind screaming in fear. You take steps further, braving the unknown. You take your intuition even if it means to be lost.

Travel for me, is a therapy. The daily grind that I have to keep up is taking a toll on me physically, emotionally and mentally. Rushing for work, squeezing into the MRT, enduring long trips to come to office without being late… it’s gets tiring, adding to that is the fact that you are doing something that you always wish you’d want to change but don’t have the chance and choice to do so. Sometimes, you need to get away with everything that is so suffocating… even for a short while.

Friends are telling me, “oh, you are rich! You travel so frequently” Why thank you, it is my self-expression but really, I used to explain why I’m doing things the way I do but now, I just don’t have the energy. I’d rather smile at the thought because I am comforted by the fact that I am happy doing the things my way. I do not need to explain nor share my experiences just so they can get why I chose to travel than buy expensive stuff and post it in insta. haha

I do travel because I buy less of the material things. I am not into expensive bags, clothes, fashion props and stuff because my taste is bland and I can wear the plainest shirt and shorts and not give a damn. I don’t drink and have no vice to support. I save for “life experiences”. I fund for travels.

Admittedly, I get pressured by people expecting me to give so much more as if I owe them, and I find it odd for them to compare me, perhaps with other OFWs. I get offended by hearing remarks even indirectly, seemingly questioning my decisions in life, such as “unya siya, unsa iya napundar?” or “hala wala lage sya nakatabang sa iyang relatives?” Seriously, it’s a blow to the ego.

I have nothing to say anymore. I do not need to explain why. Nor justify my actions.

I have nothing against people who ask, it’s better than stealing. I have something against people who make such hideous remarks, you know me, you’ve probably heard about the good stuff but definitely, you don’t know my story and you don’t need to know the struggles that I have experienced just to get to where I am.

But really…we often forget that if truth be told, a person is never obliged to help us, its discretion, and the moment that he/she decides to help is a moment to be grateful, not as if we are claiming something that he/she owes us. We People should understand that there is such a thing as appreciation, not expectation.

I do not tolerate people making me feel like I am deeply indebted to them. I don’t tolerate people questioning what I have become or what I am capable of. I plan to reach a point in my life wherein, I don’t really need to react, answer or justify any thing, I just would like to keep silent because I know myself better than what other people think I am. I don’t give BS to these people, these are the types who’d show their smiles in front of you but make faces when you turn your back.

Totally not worth the BS! 

kramp foreveh!

Thank you girls!

I’m really touched when someone shows kindness to my family. I have a very close relationship with my folks back home and while I know that I could be distant with people sometimes, I yearn to bridge my family to my friends.

So my mom went to one of my BFFs’ weddings. And to my surprise, she joined the picture picture with my high school friends. I was thinking maybe she’ll come home right after the program but she stayed and mingled with my friends. Cool or uncool? Haha

I thank my best girls, Mary and Ai for the kind treatment, without Mama Feeling left out. She told me she was very well taken cared off. And I really appreciate that. I thank Kimmy for inviting her, it means a lot to me, more than you’ll ever know.

Quite frankly, I was hesitant whether friends can become closer after living apart. But Kimmy’s wedding proved that friends can really do feel closer despite the time and distance. And even though I was not there to witness the special day, I felt really happy that my mom joined the event and she was treated like you treat your own moms.

I do feel that all this time, I am keeping a shade darker than my bright self because I keep limits as to what  friendship should be defined as. While I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, I feel that it’s about time to turn that dark shade into full color, that of a person confident on what she is and where she belongs.

Although I don’t say it much and I don’t like labelling relationships, I am proud to say that though out the years, I have gained and kept friends who are true, dependable and friends who’ll stick with you no matter what.

 To Yappy, I am still looking forward to the day that we’ll be complete. I admire your patience and understanding. We just hold on to our idea of true friends, the journey will never be smooth and arguments may last but we know for sure, friendship takes faith to make it work.

I love you KRAMP! J

artist-a

What do Heart, Solenn and ME have in common?

BODY!!! (I know rite! lol)

But sadly, the buzzer would go really wild enough to make me deaf…

So OK, OK, I concede. It’s… PAINTING!

Charot.

I have this thing for painting. It relaxes me, it calms me. It provokes my creative thinking.

I have always loved painting. It’s a form of expression, an abandonment of the realities and swimming with the strokes.

Am I OA? Maybe. OA to describe how I feel about it but that’s the thing about loving your craft, you just do it with excessive amount of liking. Haha look at Einstein? How did his hair became pseudo-electrocuted look? Because he was too busy solving problems in math, for your sake, let math solve its own problems! (Albert might come from his grave to get back at me, wag naman!)

Enough about comparison, what I’m trying to say is that, I have been a curious looker at paintings and I’m just glad that I’m doing it slowly now. I used to do painting, my materials were not much, just tira-tira acrylic from our house paint, I’d just put a bit of thinner to make it less sticky, my brush is that for a wall , then my canvass was the tabla my mom used to keep for the labada. I painted on it and she was fuming mad. Why, because she lost her tabla and it’s palo-china! Haha though I got her approval in one of my paintings… I was so proud I painted our wall.. it goes “POST NO BILL” .. errrm… atleast! haha

One time I remembered, I bought painting materials from Alemars, it was ON SALE because the tube paints were bit dried and the tubes, some got defects, wouldn’t pass as a normal priced item. So I bought it and tried it at home, I was not happy. I promised myself to engage in painting, when I have the means to do so. The canvas alone would cost me a hefty amount of money and I am just a beginner, practicing with far too many errors. I cannot afford to buy a whole lot and throw it just because it did not turn out the way I imagined it to be.

So now I’m doing watercolour. Why watercolour? Because it is the cheapest platform for a beginner. Plus, I can easily turn a page of my sketch pad, if it didn’t turn out right. I also love that I can manipulate colors through water, the thickness and the textures, it works fine with me.

I intend to practice more. To paint more explorative designs. I find portraits and landscapes really hard to do as I do not have a proper training, not even one of the art classes. I am just painting for passion. Letting my gut feel dictate how I manoeuvre my stroke. Letting my eyes see how I like or hate it. Plain and simple.

Someday, I’d like to upgrade to oil, acrylic and so much more media. I like to explore this creative side of me. It is one of my wildest dreams to pursue a passion in the arts… although you and I both know it isn’t much practical as an option.

Either way, art is something that you cannot outgrow. Whether you had lessons or not, whether you were trained formally or are born of artist parents, it never really matters. If you love something that you do, you seek to be better at it. You try a lot of means to enhance your craft. Everyone is an artist in their own right, just like how you walk, talk or cook, you do it with your own style.

Seriously though, Heart,  Solenn and me, if not for the body, I think we have more similarities in the face too! Hahaha Joke! (walang kokontra!) ;)

buddy and seoul

“Gurl!! Let’s go to Korea!”

The message when I woke up one fine Saturday morning (without work). Wow, my sister must’ve been really bored and was ready to perk me up.

Since I am one of the devoted fans of Korean dramas, it is with utmost pleasure to be able to visit Korea. It’s one in my bucket list, really. My sister is also an avid fan but with ulterior motive, I’m sure she’ll be into cosmetics shopping in Seoul.

I remembered when PRINCESS HOURS came out. My whole family (dad, mom, sis and me) got really hooked with it. Because the local TV is showing the series in bits, with the air time of commercials longer than the series itself, we raided Uyanguren and found the DVD.

We spent the whole day watching it, without anyone wanting to take his/her ass off from the couch. My mom and dad succumbed to sleeping while my sis and I continued. We never really mind the time, the next thing we knew, my mom and dad are up at 6am, the next day and because we were afraid they’d scold us, my sis and I pretended to have slept in the sofa when in fact, we stayed up all night and morning watching!

After that, I would search new dramas and read so many plots and reviews that come along with it. I was too hooked that I’d go home at the middle of the day to atleast watch an episode or two then go back to school for my evening classes.

I am awed by the places, the soju shops that’s located just on street sides, the expression “aish..” seemingly pertaining to disappointment like “hay naku or ambot nimu”… these and the many things that I am so curious about, which made me want to visit Seoul all the more.

So my sister apparently asked my bro-in-law to let her have a vacation in Seoul with me and the b-i-l agreed. I told her to book a ticket in winter…

And until then, I am really looking forward to this trip’s realization. That glorious moment of booking a ticket and preparing the hotel, patiently and excitingly waiting for the day… ahhh… I hope to visit real soon. See you there!

bestfriend's wedding

So Kimmy’s gonna tie the knot today!!!

WEEEE!!! I am so excited for reasons even I don’t know why. It’s just the rush of things. It’s almost December and the feeling of people coming together for an event, it’s something that makes you smile and hope and dream and… just be happy about.

It is one of those conversations in a sleepover, a get together, lazy asses come together and just share about future hopes, dreams and aspirations… and finally, today is one of the realizations.

We’re all grown ups now. Stuck in our careers, living in 4 different countries with varied roles to perform each day and now, we’re a wife, a mom, a wife-to-be, a bachelorette and a free spirited single soul. We’re not the toothy girls who’d snuck up to the 3^rd floor near the toilet to devour a bar of Meiji Chocolate anymore. Although, we remain as curious and fun as we were, we have grown to be what we are today, women who take a bite out of the big apple called life.

And today, as K in KRAMP vows before God and the people to love the man she’s with for better or for worst, till death parts them, I realize that we are really a notch higher in the stages of life. Commitment… when you commit, a big part of you becomes shared, shelled out from the box that you’ve created. Marriage… a sacred covenant and it’s definitely on a serious note. What fun was, now becomes FUN with responsibilities, Fun with many attachments because you don’t just live for yourself, but your spouse as well and all your families entangled.

And as I imagine Kimmy walking down the aisle minutes from now, a rush of flashbacks came over me, a series of memories, the good the bad, the fun and crying parts… our childhood together… our barkada, how we were, how things have changed, my hopes in the future. It’s such a pleasant thing to be reminded of the little things back then as I am convinced that I’ve had meaningful friendships.

I know I’m gonna regret the fact that I was absent on her special day even with a valid excuse of work and a horrible boss who did not allow me to take a leave. I know that I’m gonna regret that I wouldn't witness this realization of an aspiration, perhaps a hundred times over and over again. I know I’m gonna miss half of my life by not being there, but believe me when I say that, I never really wanted this.

As much as I’d like, I want to witness each of my best friends’ wedding… since they are ready to brave a risky sector called marriage, by risking it all, it means that they are in utmost bliss to be with the one they love… that is one of my dreams for them, to be happy and contented with the love that they found and that is more than enough for me.

Congrats in you ever after, Kimmy and Dude! J

holed

More than anything, I hate myself.

I hate that I need to endure because I cannot think of any better way to maintain what I have.

I hate that I need to think about my future despite the pressures of the present.

I hate that I need to go through the same episodes of madness because I am afraid.

I have been rocked every now and then and I keep mum about it. It’s just too much of a burden to share it to someone whom I know have lots of loads to carry too. And every time this particular phase hits me, I always feel helpless. Like I have no solution on how to handle this but to retreat and continue as if nothing happened.

Believe me; I think if this continues, I would definitely confuse what is normal and what is not. There are just so many probabilities hanging over my head like a cloud of questions, what ifs and what nots… Seriously, I have never been so tired in my life than thinking about this.

I would say that my struggles are deeply self-inflicted. It is when you have a chance to escape but you choose to stay hoping that things will change… weeks, months passed, it’s still the same. Like a battered wife believing that the battery would stop because the hubby has apologized and promised not to do it again. Promise, my ass!

So here I am facing the question I am trying to evade… Am I satisfied with this life? Am I seriously considering going through the odds over and over again, hurting for the same reason and giving into the same helplessness just because I am afraid?

If I followed my heart, I could’ve done so many things in the past that I’d never have been proud of today. If I followed my heart I could’ve made hundreds laugh, wonder and be amazed. I could’ve. But then, my mind is working like a pro. I have mastered the thinking tree. That tree with branches sprawling over questions upon questions… which leaves me saying “okay the idea is good but nevermind.”

So now, my biggest problem is how do I continue with my life? How can I make up for times that I could’ve done something that could’ve made me incredibly happy but never had the guts to do or never had the trust to spare? I am seriously thinking about my Ninja Life Moves a.k.a diskarte. Am I satisfied with being an OFW? With no security other than the fact that I could save more if I am here?

I have been evading these questions because I do not have a solid plan to better my life; apart from knowing that I am the only hope for my parents to live well in the near future, all I know is to work hard to better myself, to try to follow what’s right. Sometimes, it becomes boring especially when you begin to compare how far others go even if they are evil. Life is never fair.

Sometimes I do think that I am working so hard, doing the dirty job but I am less appreciated. Those who blab about what they do, broadcast every step, get the recognition for a job well done. Talk about living in fairness. But then again, I could not complain. I try so hard not to because I know I am beyond blessed. There are just things that are not working well for me, But again, I can only compare to nothing but myself because I am trying so hard to be my best self. It gets a bit suffocating. It gets a bit dull… but life must go on.

Perhaps, I don’t really hate all of me; I hate the hole that I am into.