holed

More than anything, I hate myself.

I hate that I need to endure because I cannot think of any better way to maintain what I have.

I hate that I need to think about my future despite the pressures of the present.

I hate that I need to go through the same episodes of madness because I am afraid.

I have been rocked every now and then and I keep mum about it. It’s just too much of a burden to share it to someone whom I know have lots of loads to carry too. And every time this particular phase hits me, I always feel helpless. Like I have no solution on how to handle this but to retreat and continue as if nothing happened.

Believe me; I think if this continues, I would definitely confuse what is normal and what is not. There are just so many probabilities hanging over my head like a cloud of questions, what ifs and what nots… Seriously, I have never been so tired in my life than thinking about this.

I would say that my struggles are deeply self-inflicted. It is when you have a chance to escape but you choose to stay hoping that things will change… weeks, months passed, it’s still the same. Like a battered wife believing that the battery would stop because the hubby has apologized and promised not to do it again. Promise, my ass!

So here I am facing the question I am trying to evade… Am I satisfied with this life? Am I seriously considering going through the odds over and over again, hurting for the same reason and giving into the same helplessness just because I am afraid?

If I followed my heart, I could’ve done so many things in the past that I’d never have been proud of today. If I followed my heart I could’ve made hundreds laugh, wonder and be amazed. I could’ve. But then, my mind is working like a pro. I have mastered the thinking tree. That tree with branches sprawling over questions upon questions… which leaves me saying “okay the idea is good but nevermind.”

So now, my biggest problem is how do I continue with my life? How can I make up for times that I could’ve done something that could’ve made me incredibly happy but never had the guts to do or never had the trust to spare? I am seriously thinking about my Ninja Life Moves a.k.a diskarte. Am I satisfied with being an OFW? With no security other than the fact that I could save more if I am here?

I have been evading these questions because I do not have a solid plan to better my life; apart from knowing that I am the only hope for my parents to live well in the near future, all I know is to work hard to better myself, to try to follow what’s right. Sometimes, it becomes boring especially when you begin to compare how far others go even if they are evil. Life is never fair.

Sometimes I do think that I am working so hard, doing the dirty job but I am less appreciated. Those who blab about what they do, broadcast every step, get the recognition for a job well done. Talk about living in fairness. But then again, I could not complain. I try so hard not to because I know I am beyond blessed. There are just things that are not working well for me, But again, I can only compare to nothing but myself because I am trying so hard to be my best self. It gets a bit suffocating. It gets a bit dull… but life must go on.

Perhaps, I don’t really hate all of me; I hate the hole that I am into.