miss her

Isn’t it weird to miss someone’s past?

Like a friend whose past self was so much better than what she is today.

Or a politician whose pre-politician days was much more laced with integrity than what he is today.

I miss a friend’s past self.

She was this happy, energetic friend who loves to have fun and loves life in general. She was bubbly, unaltered and innocent and few years passed by so quickly, she just morphed into someone calculated, secretive and mysterious.

While I was with her the whole time, I really don’t know what happened to her in between.

Although she was never bitter with life and her circumstances, she just became someone who closed off her personal stuff.

She seems to have this world of hers that she’s so into it, and you see her so busy till late at night but you really don’t know the details. is she dating? lol

I was put off guard, as open as I am with my affairs, she’s the opposite. At first, I wanted to know what it was but I realized that I have to be cool about it. Respect is key. And I respect that. I respect that there’s a part of ourselves that we don’t want people to know, no matter how close they were to us.

I can’t help but think though that, I just miss the old her. The one who’s candid enough to let go of the pretenses and that child-like vibe which is now lost in the process of maturing.

I personally think that she just morphed into someone who’s rather… unfamiliar. Close friends share deepest secrets and we’re cool about it. Our past wounds, scars and weaknesses are protected by that thing called friendship. When we’re close friends, we don’t rub each other’s wounds with salt rather, we treat it with understanding and compassion. That’s what true friends do. But I feel the distance now.

Honestly, I feel that there is nothing wrong with our friendship in general, it’s just that, she has these pretenses within herself, her own circle. I feel like she’s building a wall to distance herself. I don’t even know why. I wonder if she’s dating for real, got family issues or simply she just doesn’t trust me enough to let me know. Am I overanalyzing?

I also think that perhaps, I changed too. I changed from being the carefree me to someone who’s far more attached. I changed from that cool friend to someone who’s like family-concerned about my friend’s affairs. I don’t know if it’s a good thing but I think I became invested in people and they don’t want it. lol

I am contemplating whether we grew accustomed to being together that we forget to value each other’s presence. When you get comfortable, you get complacent to things and people, knowing that they will always be there. But time is a limited resource and good things come to an end.

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But either way, people change and as much as we would like to maintain whatever it is that we find brilliant in someone, the world doesn’t work that way. Sometimes, our process is too complicated that we become swallowed by it.

anxiety attack

So I tried sleeping for an hour now, to no avail.

I lie awake at 1240am when I should’ve slept an hour ago.

Must be my period, on the onset of a period, I always find myself feeling all the effects of having an anxiety and needless to say, it’s being sleepless.

As I look back and evaluate the things in my life, I couldn’t find fault on what I should be anxious about. I mean, I am at a pretty modest state of my life now, in fact, I am staying chill. I don’t think I have the reason to be stressed or depressed or anxious.

The thing though is that, maybe, the people around me affect me directly. When I am with someone who seems to be so busy with life, I can’t help but think about how slow my time goes in comparison with that someone. It brings me to a major halt, am I really a bit lax about my progress in life?

The funny thing is that, I know I am overreacting. I have been looking forward to this break and when I have it, I feel like I am very lax about life? It does not sum up, simply because I often forget about the purpose of this break.

I realized that the reason why I am feeling anxious is because I compare myself. The cool part about being myself is being comfortable with myself but nowadays, I seem to lose that part. I wonder, how would I relearn that? How would I regain what was lost?

Also, I am very attached to so many things inn life that I grew comfortable with the idea that they will always be there, so at a first sign that the object or the person is breaking free from my hold, I seem to get really anxious.

I don’t know how or where to begin with this anxiety damage control thing. I guess it has to do with my mindset and of course, having the courage to restart my life. I’m thinking I should break free from the objects or the people that I am used to, that way, I may be able to control feeling anxious and think of it as a means to an end.

This break is instrumental in so many ways. While I was busy making a living, I forgot about the life I’ve wanted to live. I forgot that my main goal is truly just inner peace. To sleep comfortably at night and not feel regret every morning that I wake up late from just because I wasn’t able to sleep the night before. This insomnia thing is really not my thing and I’ve been keeping tabs on dates when I can sleep peacefully, those nights are precious.

grand design

This is particularly one of those nights where I find it hard to sleep and sleep is very elusive.

Why?

And during this time, I can possibly create a masterpiece by writing, right?

I guess I have to relearn being confident about my own. I am so used to having people around me that I get anxiety attacks when they aren’t around. I wasn’t anything like this.

I always believed that I am a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man, hell yeah. But I guess ageing gets into me once in a while. I am deeply envious of women who, at their 30s have already found balance within themselves, who are sure about what they want and how their lives would proceed.

I guess I am anxious on thinking that I am starting all over again and it gets real tricky on how to proceed. What do I want with my life? What chance do I need to grab in order for me to say that I really am pursuing what I want.

These thoughts are what’s bugging me. I have made a silent pact within myself to not entertain these thoughts but at one point, I need to figure out one by one, where do I want to go.

I am keeping myself positive amidst the pressures because why not? I am single and basically, I am only responsible for myself (TRUTH) I am confident that I will do well in life because I have it in me, from the start but this process of pausing makes me impatient About how my story actually unfolds.

I’d like to think that 10 out of 12, face this crossroad in life. Where you need to decipher the given codes and possibly match it on which door to choose. Or are there even doors yet?

I want to be calm, perhaps too calm. To have the inner peace within me that this has been planned out and there’s really nothing I can do about it, whether I sleep or not, I am ACTUALLY following the grand design that God has in store for me.

I want to believe that my destination is predetermined and whether or not, I worry, it really is pointless as I am still going to arrive at that specific destination.

10 days after my second grand exodus a work, it seems that I am sitting in a hot seat. I am uneasy and restless. I wonder if I miss working or if I miss home.

Either way, I am a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man, but it would be good to have one. hehe