miss her

Isn’t it weird to miss someone’s past?

Like a friend whose past self was so much better than what she is today.

Or a politician whose pre-politician days was much more laced with integrity than what he is today.

I miss a friend’s past self.

She was this happy, energetic friend who loves to have fun and loves life in general. She was bubbly, unaltered and innocent and few years passed by so quickly, she just morphed into someone calculated, secretive and mysterious.

While I was with her the whole time, I really don’t know what happened to her in between.

Although she was never bitter with life and her circumstances, she just became someone who closed off her personal stuff.

She seems to have this world of hers that she’s so into it, and you see her so busy till late at night but you really don’t know the details. is she dating? lol

I was put off guard, as open as I am with my affairs, she’s the opposite. At first, I wanted to know what it was but I realized that I have to be cool about it. Respect is key. And I respect that. I respect that there’s a part of ourselves that we don’t want people to know, no matter how close they were to us.

I can’t help but think though that, I just miss the old her. The one who’s candid enough to let go of the pretenses and that child-like vibe which is now lost in the process of maturing.

I personally think that she just morphed into someone who’s rather… unfamiliar. Close friends share deepest secrets and we’re cool about it. Our past wounds, scars and weaknesses are protected by that thing called friendship. When we’re close friends, we don’t rub each other’s wounds with salt rather, we treat it with understanding and compassion. That’s what true friends do. But I feel the distance now.

Honestly, I feel that there is nothing wrong with our friendship in general, it’s just that, she has these pretenses within herself, her own circle. I feel like she’s building a wall to distance herself. I don’t even know why. I wonder if she’s dating for real, got family issues or simply she just doesn’t trust me enough to let me know. Am I overanalyzing?

I also think that perhaps, I changed too. I changed from being the carefree me to someone who’s far more attached. I changed from that cool friend to someone who’s like family-concerned about my friend’s affairs. I don’t know if it’s a good thing but I think I became invested in people and they don’t want it. lol

I am contemplating whether we grew accustomed to being together that we forget to value each other’s presence. When you get comfortable, you get complacent to things and people, knowing that they will always be there. But time is a limited resource and good things come to an end.

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But either way, people change and as much as we would like to maintain whatever it is that we find brilliant in someone, the world doesn’t work that way. Sometimes, our process is too complicated that we become swallowed by it.