Live passionately

"Live passionately." 

That's the mantra from Glen Powell’s movie Hitman. It got me thinking—do I live passionately? Have I ever? Will I? Just how passionate are we talking here? 

Let me set the scene: a few months ago, I found myself solo in New York City. With time to kill and an itch to scratch, what better place to indulge than the city that never sleeps? 

In NYC, I met a roommate who was instantly likable. She was funny, laid-back, and had this go-getter vibe. She was super open about her dating life and even invited me to tag along. I was surprised—who does that? She encouraged me to try dating apps, given New York's diversity and all. I politely said that I would. 

 But me? Yeah, well. Never. 

Later, I caught up with a friend who lives in New York. After eight years and a marriage later, she suggested I try the apps too. I smiled and again politely agreed to give it a try. 

At that moment, I kind of thought Wait… Was this a sign? All these random suggestions seemed a bit much. Enamored by the persistence, that night, I set up a dating profile. I thought, "It’s New York, what’s the harm?" 

I swiped right a few times that evening. It was a casual, fun distraction. I used a temporary mobile number, so I didn’t share it; people gave me theirs instead. One guy mentioned he’d be in Vancouver later. I barely thought about it. Long story short, I left New York without any meetups, my skeptical side winning out. I thought, okay I gave it a try, Now what? Clearly, this isn’t for a skeptic like me. I deleted the app and moved on. 

Months passed… 

Out of the blue, I get an iMessage from the guy who’s now in Vancouver and wants to grab coffee. I was stunned. Should I go or not? 

Live passionately. 

I recalled Gary’s words from Hitman: "Now, the one thing I know for certain, is your reality will change over time in ways you cannot even imagine, and I urge you to be open for this transformation. “ With that in mind, I thought, “To hell with it, let’s do this!” 

To be continued...

Love you to the heavens

You never realize how much you’ll miss someone until you think about how they wouldn’t be there with you physically, ever.

It’s so easy to say that death is a part of life but when that happens, you couldn’t find any motivation for reason not to feel unsettled. Today, July 8 (Monday) at 7 am PST, I received an unsettling message from Papa that Nanay is gone.

I called Mama and she confirmed. I went ahead with my regular Monday meetings. Acted as if nothing MAJOR happened. But shortly after lunch, tears escaped me. I couldn’t shake off the emotion enveloping me.

The thing is, I thought I have prepared well enough to accept the inevitable. In my resolve, Nanay had led a good life.

In her hey days, she was an activist, an ironwoman, wise beyond her years. When I was 12, Nanay brought me to Butuan with her. From Butuan, we traveled to Bacolod via ferry. It was my first ferry ride ever. We then ended in Cebu. I have very fond memories of Nanay. My cousins would go green with envy, but I could confidently say I was one of the favorites.

Nanay is one of the smartest people I know. She had her ways. I can’t seem to find the term but if there’s a term for someone who’s street-smart coupled with mysterious… That’s her. She’s very sharp especially with finances. Nanay’s love for travels is what we got from her, though. She likes seeing new places, trying new eats. She has big appetite for chocolates, Jollibee and seafood. I could say she likes the finer things in life.

Nanay is also a very strong-willed woman. She once told me how she helped NPAs by taking them in and nursing them back to health. Her stories were in different spectrums. Undoubtedly, she had lived a very colorful life.

When she got bedridden earlier on, I still joke about how she couldn’t remember her most gorgeous apo (Of course, me!). She would smile at my harmless mischief. When she got ill, her smile faded. It broke my heart. Adding to the weight were problems and concerns about other things, things that have not made her last years easier.

Headstrong as she is, my Nanay held onto her dear life till the end. At this point, I can only marvel at her life’s journey. For such journey was intensified with her resilience, tenacity, endurance, and her positivity. My Nanay fought for her legacy, tooth and nail, and till the last of her breath, she did not succumb to the white light without giving a good fight.

I’ll forever miss you, Nay. Since young, you always looked at me with such beaming pride. You always introduced me with your proudest Grandma voice. In your eyes, I am someone who can conquer the world! Thanks for always believing in me, perhaps more than me believing in myself. I love you to the heavens!

 

Engineer K

My younger cousin is now an Engineer!

I am elated for him. I knew he’d make it because he had the brains for it. As I pondered, I thought about his difficulties growing up. Here is a kid who might have been given everything during abundance but as soon as he reached the school age, their abundance has been depleted. So, there he was, trying to stay afloat. He was thrown out in the open truly unprepared. It was a series of bad decisions by adults and the kids had to bear the brunt of things. And when I think about that, it breaks my heart. 

What’s the worst that could happen to an unprepared kid? Having no support. So, I supported him in my own way. I let him know that I was on the sidelines, rooting for him. His situation may be far from ideal, but it is in these circumstances that he becomes stronger. Fast forward to 2024, and he’s passed the board!

I received a chat from him telling me he is grateful for everything that we have done for them (him and his older brother). He told me how he always felt like they were our little brothers. I was touched. It is exactly how I always viewed them. They may be just our cousins, but they’re close to my heart as I took care of them while I was a kid myself. The growing years flashed before me, and it always painted the close-knit bond I had with them.

As the youngest in my family, I wore my “ate” hat proudly and told him that I always believed in him. I may have said tough words to him, but those words were meant to push him in the right direction. With pure intent, I continuously encouraged him to avoid bad places and people who would hasten his ruin. I told him that hopefully, he got something out of the lessons and advice that we’ve given him. It was all for his own good.

As I wrote my message to him, I got a little emotional. I acknowledged that I could have done more. I could have given more. Although I was also a kid trying to find my place in the world, I always had the admiration, support, and love of my family. I wished I was that to him too.  I wished that my occasional “I love you” meant more to him than it is to me. Because really, without knowing that you are loved and supported in every way, how could you make anything possible?

I told him three things: First, from this point on, he would be in the driver's seat. Whatever direction he maneuvers the wheel, everything else goes in that direction. With that in mind, I wanted him to choose wisely. In life, mistakes are inevitable. It’s a win-win if we think of mistakes as lessons that we learn from. It’s plain stupidity if we make the same mistake hoping for another result.

Second, Disappointments are difficult to process. I know he knows that well, given the situation he grew up in. But what makes disappointments much harder is the ability of our minds to dwell on it. For example, I always envisioned myself as the boss. I make the call and stuff but sixteen years later, I am still doing entry-level jobs. Does that even make sense? Well, if I dwell on being disappointed, I’ll always think about my experience in a very 2-D way. But I am optimistic, it’s like playing football. I come from the lower division working my way towards Premier League and the FA Cup! I am on an entry-level job working towards various playing fields!

Lastly, “There’s no such thing as FREE lunch in this world”. This, I would say is a hard pill to swallow because we like free things. We never say no to a treat. But for the world to work, we do not always take, we give. It’s about symbiotic relationships. You do not bleed someone dry and be entitled to it. We will get refused, rejected, or said “NO” to, and it’s okay. Because as much as we expect freebies, we also get to pay in part or in full. We remain grateful. When we can, we pay it forward.  

Our conversation ended because I thought I was becoming too serious. Being too serious is boring. I wished him luck and let him know that I love him, no matter what. Hopefully, he feels loved and supported enough to make his dreams come true, like I did!

Congratulations Engr Ken! 

Good riddance

 

You know what’s amazing?

That you keep fighting regardless of the odds. So, what if a door closes? I look at it as a closure for something fleeting. Looking back, the greatest of my pursuits are the result of the closed doors, the unwelcomed seat at the table, or simply, the missed bus that I am accustomed to riding.

 At this time and age, I learned that I can/will never have it all. I have learned that what is given can be taken away. This includes the opportunities, the material possessions, or even the bunch of people I call friends. I used to anchor myself around these. But maybe, just maybe… things or people that are not meant to be with you on your journey are dropped along the way because it makes your load lighter.

Believe me when I say that while I expected more, I heaved a sigh of relief, “Good riddance!”. Because it is in these critical moments that the true ones present themselves. It is in these moments that I look closely and realize that normally, the final stage would not include all the hopefuls. In the last phase, only the very best stays.

My goals are clearer than sunshine. I have learned that in pursuing things for myself, there would be obstacles. But I always go back to that September, when I threw my caution to the wind and never looked back. I guess it comes with the territory. When you build yourself from nothing, you can do it all over again. 

Because again, just who matters? You do. And them who support you. There is no greater satisfaction than having only what you are destined to have. 

Diffi-CULT

“Difficulties strengthen the mind as labor does to the body.”

Well, Marcus Aurelius had it figured out, I thought. When you think of it that way, it makes difficulties a powerful ingredient for growth. It creates a compartment somewhere inside you that makes you feel kind of normal. Who does not go through difficult times, right?

Difficulties are like a vortex of darkness. You get sucked into that tunnel. You try to rationalize things, but negative feelings pile up one against the other. When that happens, you get swallowed by it. You feel trapped and hopeless.

In mine, I always feel like I am trying too hard for nothing. I feel injustice. I feel as though I get to bear the brunt of things. It is both a curse and a blessing to do it solo. Curse because I get to feel like everything is a one-man show. Blessing because it makes me mentally stronger. Like what is there to lose other than a mouth (my mouth) unfed?

A few years ago, I had an economic difficulty. It was difficult to move forward from a job that provided for me. At that time, it was a huge decision to make because that job was my ticket to stay in the country. Leaving it meant zero funds, zero capacity to afford my basic needs, and perhaps, zero ability to pursue my hobbies. Tell you what, it may sound so simple, but the reality is, that decision was a domino effect affecting all aspects of my life. I had to move back. I had to get back to square one. Questions without answers arose: “What am I going to do back home?”, “How would I maintain my lifestyle?”, “Do I need to find a job there?”. It was a roller coaster of emotions, a to-be or not-to-be decision that was extremely hard to finalize.  It was a battle between the practical and the idealist me.

When friends asked, “What’s your plan B?”, I go, “Well, I don’t have any”, it shocked them.  It may be because I’m known to be a planner. I organize events, I plan things, and I write “to-do” lists. To be fair, it shocked me too. In the biggest of my moments, I didn’t plan anything after. I just wanted to take a break, more than anything. 

When I think about that moment in my life, I now find it funny AND necessary. It was helpful because I learned so much about myself in that single episode. As I progressed through life, I found that as my benchmark. The fear, the uncertainty, the anxiety but also the courage, the zest, the faith. It shaped me to hope regardless of the odds.

Now when I have similar difficulties, I look back at that time of my life. And it makes me feel better. It makes me feel less afraid. It gives me the power to own my life because, oh well, whatever happens, happens. I don’t beat myself up for not leaving toxic environments or people. In trying to maintain the best version of myself, I learned to choose who and where I associate myself with.

With similar difficulties now, I get a nudge in the gut somewhat telling me to rethink the whole situation. It becomes a signal for me to change. I can change my job, my relationships, or my situation. Or simply, change my mindset. I am confident in neutralizing things because If I did it before, I can do it now or as many times, if necessary. It made me aware of the value I put on myself more than the external forces trying to wreak havoc within me.

In all of this, I learned to handle my emotions. In anger, it is so easy to lose sight of what is important. In rejection, it is so easy to just give up and never try again. In despair, it is so easy to stay there. But to identify with the emotion or with the situation that I am in is unwise. I am neither my emotions nor my situation. I am just passing through it. I learned to identify with my capacity to weather storms. 

Of course, to say that I can easily shake off negativities would be a lie. But like good days, bad days are nothing but temporary. I may be unhappy today but it doesn't mean I will never laugh again. At the end of it all, what stands still is my sense of self-- who I am, not only in the good but more importantly, in difficult times. 

Birthday Blues

It’s the birthday blues!

It’s no secret that I feel down before every birthday. I don’t know why but it has always been like that.

Perhaps, I can’t help but overthink about my life. Getting older… Did I accomplish anything noteworthy?

I’m thinking out loud and maybe self-sabotaging but what are my breakthroughs? For one, not a single zero was added to my account. Second, I am still trying to find my place in the world and lastly, I still stand here alone on earth wondering what exactly I’m doing.  These thoughts keep me grounded, other than almost always leave me unhappy.

I guess I’ve always thought about making it big. I’ve always thought of myself as a competent individual who can take challenges. I thought of these challenges as my preparations for the big things. So, when I allow myself to mull over my achievements, what have I accomplished really?

My sister told me, “Don’t be too hard on yourself”. Well, to be frank, I seem to allow myself to gloat days before my big day. I mull over details about my life that need improvement. For one, I am disappointed that I have not been able to finish law school. I made a vow to continue but going into the fine print, it’s easier said than done. I am up against overwhelming odds. Then there’s frustration over not reaching my maximum potential. I feel like I am just always mediocre and every birthday, I am reminded of that.

“You’ve achieved more than you think you know”, says my sister who tried to console me. But I don’t know, I feel like there’s still a lot more for me, and yet I am biding my time to play small. Despite my efforts, it feels like I’m shortchanged.

Am I being critical of myself? I guess.

Maybe before every birthday, I have this mental new birthday resolution that I keep track of, and I am displeased when nothing on that list gets ticked off. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all the opportunities that have been offered. I appreciate the people who bridged me to my goals. Bless their hearts. But personally, there’s just this cloud of ideas hovering around my head telling me that I could do more. That I could be more.

Either way, as I said before, I am allowing myself to gloat, once a year. It just happens to be BEFORE birthdays. In the bigger picture though, birthdays are a testament to love. To be alive and kicking, that’s got to be the MORE of my more. 

Nah nay

“Who are you?”, My bedridden grandmother asked when my mom showed my face to her through a video call.

Behest the pang of sadness, I said: “It’s Lovely, your most beautiful apo”. She said, “How’s your mother doing?”

To which I laughed and said, “Oh she’s the one holding the phone and visiting you today.” She apologized and said, “I am old I cannot remember much.”

Making the conversation light, I joked. “It’s fine, as long as you remain beautiful ”. She then told me things that broke my heart. She said, “Please call me all the time while I am still alive. I know I am being a burden to my children because I am sick and weak. I pray that God will take me soon, so I do not add any more burden than I already do.”

I maintained a cheerful face even though my heart got crushed into tiny million pieces. We bid our goodbyes, but her words were looping on my head. I mulled over life in general. I thought about how my grandmother had always been full of life when I was growing up. She loved beautiful things. She liked eating out. She liked simple and grand pleasures, all the same.

Seeing her now, weak and feeling desolate, I felt indescribable gloom and panic. I am shaken.

It is difficult to appear cheery when the reality and the gravity of the situation swallow the little hopes of wellness and quality of life that come with old age.