Villa Royal

There’s this feeling you get when you’re into something… but then you suddenly step back and wonder if you’re really into it. Like you’re present, but also watching yourself from the outside.

I know I can be intense sometimes, but at my core, I’m someone who can peel herself away from everything. A friend once told me, “You’re too sentimental.” And honestly, I agreed. I am, but only when I allow myself to be. I’ve learned I can detach too. To some, I’m a good friend. To others, a better one. To most, I’m hard to read.

When I’m getting to know someone new, I can show up, see you, spend time with you… but am I emotionally there? I don’t know. Half the time I feel like I’m just going with the flow. Someone asked me, “So what could we be?” and I paused. It was a big question. I had no answer. I’m seeing this guy and I keep thinking… could I really do this?

I don’t know. Being single is hard but trying to change that feels even harder. I had no idea. I guess I'm just so used to feeling so secured with myself. I’m so deep into self-love, into this independent-woman version of myself, that giving it up feels like my blood is slowly being drained out of me. No joke. A friend asked, “Isn’t your goal to have a family someday?”

It was. It still is. It’s probably my ultimate dream. 

Do I really have to go through all this just to find my match? Sometimes I swear I belong in a different era. Am I even 100%, hook, line and sinker, balls deep into this goal?  I’ve put so much effort into meeting people. For most of my friends, it’s the normal route. For me? It feels like I’m overexerting. I feel exhausted. 

Believe me when I say that I'm trying really hard these days. Because if it was just up to me, I'd probably spend my days at home watching some kilig series, sketching, doing my walks and reading some good romance novels. But I'm kind of possessed these days. I'm trying to break a routine. I'm trying to get out of my shell because hello, we're not 16 anymore. When I'm old and gray, at least I get to have stories to tell. You get what I mean?

Speaking of novels, I’m too much of a romance-novel girl. My own story feels short compared to the ones I read. Those pocketbooks with series like Villa Royal, where the lead men live on an island. They’re successful, good-looking, magnetic. And somehow, life gave me my own version. Or so I thought.

There’s Brad, the guy from New York who flew all the way here to meet me.

Damien, the Turkish legal counsel who gave up everything to start anew.

Lance, good-looking, same sector, solid guy.

And Luis, the guy I met a year ago who came back wanting for more.

Perhaps, some were just in for the cameo. Perhaps some could be for more. 

I don't know and I will never know. I feel like I am one date away from a breakthrough.

Because maybe, just maybe, the real story hasn’t even started yet. 

Seriously, How do you do this?