Firm or Soft?

It’s true talaga, noh? Life has a funny way of testing you, especially on the things you’re so sure about.

For example, this month, I was firm on one thing: I was going to save money. I promised myself I’d cut down on eating out and be more responsible with my spending. Because hello, it's been months of YOLO now. We could stop that, Labli!

Then, out of nowhere, I got a parking ticket!  For overstaying in a two-hour zone.

Of course, I called the City of Vancouver to try and get it canceled. Because apparently, 5% gets cancelled!

But then again, isn’t life always like that?

I prayed for something, and eventually, that something came along. But somewhere between praying for it and actually getting it, I found myself thinking… Wait lang. This is NOT what I imagined.

And then the confusion kicks in.

Is this really what I wanted? OR are my standards just too high?

Maybe.

Then there’s deliverance.

You ask for something, and before you know it, everything around you starts shifting.

Like when I prayed for true friends. Suddenly, all the uncertain people disappeared from my life.

Just like that.

And honestly? I didn’t know whether to feel relieved, sad, grateful, or all three at the same time. But I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the answer to your prayer doesn't come by adding something to your life. It comes by removing everything that isn't meant to stay. Shocker!

Then there are the things I'm adamant about. The values I hold close. The things I genuinely believe will stay with me because, well, they're ME.

But then you see other people doing the complete opposite, and suddenly you start wondering:

Is this the norm?

Or am I the weird one?

Some people tell me, “It’s okay. You’re in your thirties.”

And part of me goes, Yeah, you're right.

But there's also this tiny, biting voice somewhere inside me asking:

But should age really be a reason?

Does it make it a valid excuse?

Is getting older supposed to mean lowering your standards? Folding? Settling? Accepting things you once swore you never would?

I don't know.

But lately, I've started seeing every confusion, hesitation, and moment of second-guessing as some kind of test.

A test of faith.

A test of character.

A test of whether I truly mean all the things I say I believe in.

And strangely enough, the more I think about it, the more determined I become, not just to succeed, but to NOT lose myself trying to fit into what everyone else thinks is normal.

I'm fortunate that, somehow, I'm able to hold myself together in situations like these. I've had YEARS of training.

And no, I'm not going to pretend I don't get affected. I do.

I overthink. I question myself. I get disappointed. Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier if I just went with the flow and stopped caring so much.

But after enough contemplation, I always find my way back.

The clouds are still there, but eventually, the light starts coming through.

I might not always get what I want. Honestly, far from it.

I might get heartbroken when reality turns out to be nothing like the version I created in my head. I might feel defeated knowing that not everyone wins their battles with their own shadows.

But there is one thing I know for sure: I will always try to choose what I believe is right.

Even when it's difficult.

Even when people don't understand.

Even and ESPECIALLY when I'm standing alone.

Because in a world where it's becoming increasingly easy to just be okay with everything, I want to be okay with what is actually okay with me.

With my values.

With my conscience.

With the person I want to become.

So, maybe as a FIRM person, the next time I feel like eating out, I should just do it. To hell with saving! I'm kidding! BUT honestly? I would've enjoyed that $45 prime rib steak. At least then, this $63 parking ticket wouldn't hurt as much!