guy on the horse

Kilig!!

Somebody finally told me that he likes me a lot. This is a non-platonic course of proverbial statement. It’s not everyday naman na someone tells you how they feel about you. And far more kilig is the fact that, that somebody is someone na bet ko! Hikkk… Finally!

We exchanged lines and kiss and tell ba kung iseshare ko some of the lines that were said? Ah siguro nga, but I already did to a good, good friend whom I know na maiintindihan ako ‘cause she’s just like me. Wow pare! Hanep. This is something new to me and aminin ko man o hindi, nakakakiliti ng puso, parang baboy lang na kinikiliti ang peg.

Anyway, mahirap maniwala sa taong gusto mo kasi pinaniniwalaan mo agad kahit ano pang sabihin sayo. Like if sabihan kang maganda ka, syempre masarap sa pakiramdam pero naiisip mong binobola ka lang e. Ewan ko ba, I think meron akong major issue as to validating statements especially if someone professes something to me. Parang it’s a challenging act for me kung paano ko ihahandle at paano ko mapuprove ang sincerity nya sa statement na binitiwan nya.

This boils down sa personality ko as someone who’s not verbally expressive sa feelings ko. If ever man na magsabi ako ng “I like you” “Thank you” “sorry” and even my dreaded line, “I love you”. It takes a whole lot of guts and courage and thinking and pride for me to do that. My parents can attest to that. I say it once but it’s the purest thing you can get from me. I don’t come throwing it to people just like that. hehe

For years, I’ve made to believe na I am wise enough to know when someone is smooth talking or simply admiring. I have built up standards of a guy na alam kong makakaoutsmart sa akin (he has to be wearing eyeglasses, buttoned polo with braces and brings books along the hallway hehe), yung someone na pag may something syang sinasabi, I will be provoked to think about it and be amazed kasi bagong info and totally di ko na knows sa mga libro at kelangan ko pang i-google search.

That someone is… capable to be very secure sa sarili nyang capability. The way he acts, the way he walks, the way he talks, hindi overpowering in a bragging, angas way. He’s simple in ways na kahit marami syang known facts, you won’t get it unless you ask him about it. Someone who doesn’t need a branded thing to make him look formidable. Someone who doesn’t depend on his car or brag his car keys just to get people’s attention. That someone is within himself an established man with established principle. (take note of the word: MAN i/o BOY)

I have come to a realization na I don’t need a boyfriend. Period. I can take care of myself, I can careless about other people’s opinion about my singlehood and I can enjoy even in my solo flights (unless may makatabi or makaharap na uber sweety na couple na nakakabitter paminsan minsan). I am at ease to be me. I can be my very self when I am alone. Ganun yung security ko. I am not pressured na maghesitate to do the things I want because someone will dislike it or pagbabawalan ako. Ano yun?

Simply, di ko keri ang may lalakeng nagdedemand ng ganito, ganyan from me. I am so relaxed that I don’t want to complicate my life by hiring (un na!) a boyfriend. Isang major hassle.

But guess what, I am in need of a MANfriend. Matured. Contained. Secured. Confident. Passionate. At higit sa lahat, faithful. He’s someone I can talk to in the wee hours of the night for his opinion about my minor and major ideas. He’s someone I am comfortable with, mapa- P, Prey and most especially Lovely ako. He’s someone I can share my dreams with. He’s someone I’d love to share my adventures with.

We’d go backpacking in Europe, I’ll bring my stuff, he brings his, separate bags but when I get tired, exhausted and thirsty, he’d leave me where we stopped and he would immediately hunt for the nearest 7/11 and when he comes back, he’ll be approaching me with a sly smile with a bottle of water and jokes on how a manang I am.

He is someone who tells me to go agad sa doctor even in the slightest sign of flu and he’d have this power over me na call agad ako kay Dr. Beats! And when I get frustrated on things I can’t repair, leaving it on the table scattered, he’d smile at me and tell me it will be okay the next morning, and true enough, it is fixed when I wake up. (He had it repaired pala by Mr. Fix sa mall) And when I get too consumed on the virus sa mahal kong laptop and complain continuously about my cursed fingers, he’ll joke me about how these fingers would work on him and we’ll just go insane laughing, exchanging kinky, funny lines. (that will have me in my loneliest moments, making me smile uncontrollably) And when I ask him about how I look, he’ll just smile and say his most honest comment but don’t actually tell me to change if I look too yagit in it instead, he’ll change to his obnoxious shorts to fit my yagit yagit mood, we’ll go malling, eat ice cream and have our nonstop food trip, from one tempura to another hotdog.

These are few of the qualities of my Manfriend, most of all, he is my best friend. Someone who will fight for me and believe in me even though I know how tagilid I am. He will just tell me to go for it and he’ll have my back no matter what.

I have these qualities figured out from the very beginning cause seriously, I know someone who’s head-to-toe a MANFRIED, a BESTFRIEND, a HUBBY and to us, he is POPCY.

Lastly, YOU…yes, YOU! The guy over the horse, tell me, are you one of them? If yes, please proceed, If not, Forget it.

few days

Few Days= Many Happiness

Now I know how it feels for most Overseas Filipinos arriving home after months or even years of being away. It’s never easy but it becomes a way of life.

Prior to my going home, someone told me, going home for the first time is the most crucial part. True but I can’t prove it just like that. First because, I am a newly overseas Pinoy and Second, I just went home once. So, I have no point of comparison as to the degree of causality.

Arriving home was overwhelming. I’m seated next to my fellow overseas Pinoys. We chatted about what we missed home the most, the food, the Saturday hang outs, the laid back life we had back then. I missed Davao City big time. I missed my family. I missed my friends and yes, I even missed loud horns on jeepneys.

And then it dawned on me, how long can I stay abroad? Even adding this confusion is my former boss’ statement: “Pre, you can stay in Singapore all you want but if you want a career here in Davao, it is very much wise to come back before you reach 27.” Whoa! It sounded like an ultimatum to me. Like I still have hope on a meaningful career after jilting this job that I have. Like I can still be part of the family even though I left it months ago. The statement is vague, I really don’t know which career she is referring to.

Then, even aggravating my thought is that someone from yesterday telling me, He isn’t for long distance relationship and that maybe I can do something about it if I want it to proceed. Whoa! Another ultimatum? And I was like, why would I do something about it? When likely, it is Him who should do the moves! LOL.

Anyway, I was mesmerized by my nephew, who I saw for the first time. All the more I felt the compelling need to just stay in Davao. While most of my friends are excited to their new adventures and perhaps telling me this is their year (2012) to begin their quests, I am feeling a bit spent out. I am thinking of ending my own adventure anytime this year.

You see, I really don’t know what my future plan about this whole thing is but I know I’ve got a place somewhere. Davao is given. So now, I am contemplating about things. I am not rushing up but I am keen about my time.

kind...kinder...kindest

Kindness

Often than not, I am a witness that in this world full of complexities and contrasting ideologies, of broken dreams and harsh realities, people still remain true to their glorious claim of humanity.

It sure is heart warming to have received littlest acts of kindness every now and then. It gives me the courage to do exactly what I see. It inspires me that indeed, People are made Christ-like. To share, to give and to offer something without expecting something in return.

I have seen a video made for a newlywed, an advice of an old woman to the couple, to give and take but she visibly erased the word “take” and changed it to “give”, to give and give. And I wonder, the essence of kindness is really to give and give, never counting how many gifts given or love offered but to give with all your heart, no cost or price, just pure and unabashed giving.

We see programs on TV doing charity works. The act itself is good but as far as the intention, we do not know. Sometimes, kindness becomes murky. Charities become an institution to fame. I do not have anything against publicized giving but using needy people to rise to fame is something I am up resolutely against.

Truth is I lack much of that trait. My capacity to give is up to a certain extent and I account for what’s left to me. I do not expect anything in return but I see to it that I don’t get zero on my personal account. My friend once told me, “It is okay to give but it’s not okay to give your all”. I vehemently agree. May it be on the tangibles and intangibles, It is better to leave something for thy self.

I have been a recipient of random kindness even from the farthest of strangers. One time, As our flight was very early on our way home from Boracay, we hurried to ride the last bus, I asked the woman sitting next to me in the ferry, an alternative route to Iloilo (for which our plane will be from), the concern in her face was so deliberate that she held my hand and tapped my back after talking to the bus drivers that we be taken in since we have an early flight the next day. She bid farewell and told me to take care. The act was so genuine and so pure. I can never forget her and her kindness.

Even newly made friends who welcomed and ushered me around Cebu were simply amusing. From complete strangers to close friends from hours of talking. Strangers who sees you standing in the train, calling your attention to seat you, Former bosses who still reach out to you, Boss who asks what you want for breakfast, friends who offer financial assistance when you nearly lost your wallet. Such acts make up for the sad and lonely times. Such acts remind me to do exactly the same and return the favour, if not to them then to other people who need it most.

For now, I have more reason to open myself and give more. I have little ones whom I feel the need to lend my shoulders too and perhaps empty my pockets for. And when I grow tired and weary, I always remind myself that there are people, who in one way or another, need me and that, I know my mission is not to be their hero but someone whom they find hope with.

So now, Thank you to the people who showed me kindness. I may not repay you in fortune but in one way or another, the angels from heaven are keeping a list on the good deeds and reward may wait soon.

wanted

Here we go again…

The same old line bugging my brains, tugging my heart…

Is this what I want?

Why can’t I be just like a normal quarter aged girl who thinks about partying? Or someone who frequently thinks about travel and have the means for it? I am so much different. My concerns are far deeper and almost married-like.

I hate it. I am over thinking things. I forget to appreciate the beauty of change. I forget to appreciate the blessing of time. Sometimes, I feel that I am blown out of proportion as the future is concerning me so much. My gosh! Why can’t I remain calm? Why can’t I remain relaxed and let the future surprise me?

It seems that I always want to plan things out but I get frustrated if there are changes in it. I am bound to follow what I planned, so even the slightest detail change, I get disappointed. That shouldn’t be the case, right? And then I have this 50 year old ego which drives me to be pressured. I don’t want to fail. I hate losing. I hate being a loser.

The reason why I spent so many sleepless nights before I finally made a decision to resign was that, I don’t want to go home without giving my Singapore dreams a good fight. I don’t want to go home gambling all the things I gathered and landing Davao nil. That’s just so lame of me.

You see, I am putting so much pressure on myself that even though I successfully booted a job here, my series of “plans” are intertwining my very purpose to just grow and learn. I am constantly disappointed by my errors and I feel so pushed to the edge, as if there’s no other solution but to just jump off.

Sad. I am young. I should have fewer worries, right?

But I always end up worrying and worrying and I am getting tired of my personal drama.

So is this what I want? Apart from the question of career (which I still have no answer to), this is not what I want. I want to live the life because life is not supposed to be endured but to be enjoyed. To take myself not too seriously and to take each change as an opportunity for growth, that is what I want.

HS plants

I am at my richest kapag:
:: naka Mcdo after shool (shoot na sa mall after 3PM)
:: naka recess ng luglug sa canteen with Mountain Dew (pronounced as DOO)
:: nakabili ng sandals na pareho sa lahat ng berks (sa Ferretti)
:: nakabitbit ng Nokia 3310 (improved from my N5110)

That was almost 8 years ago. Yun yung feeling popular, feeling cool at feeling superwoman pa ang peg ng lola mo. At least diba dumaan sa ganung punto ng High School Life. Sabi pa nga sa kanta, High School Life, oh my High School Life, talagang kasing saya…

What do I miss most? Yung Crush ko  pero di nga, I miss the Girls... Sila yung 4 girls who made it extra special for me to walk down the corridors of HCDC. We’ve had our best time, best kulitan, best awayan, best suportahan. Nakakamiss. Sinu-sino sila.

The Bamboo. Best quality: resilience. Power: Intense. Siya yung,haligi ng grupo. She stands proud kasi siya yung kahit gaano kaharsh ng wind, tatayo at tatayo parin. Bamboos may seem weak but may flexibility ito na intense. Isang pitik, and you know you’re in pain. I call her the fighter bone. Paano naaway nya ata kami isa-isa sa grupo but it’s just not that, she’ll also fight for you. Nevertheless, sya yung kaibigan na maaasahan. Someone you can talk to at sasabihan ka talaga ng totohanan kung ano ang opinion nya, masaktan ka man, basta totoo lang.

The Vine. . Best quality: Sticking Power. Silent but Deadly. She’s the less bubbly persona. Isang dormant volcano who holds her horses but once you provoke her, yun na. She’s a very good listener. She will stick with you and comfort you sa mga vulnerable times. Siya yung mas matured when it comes to family and responsibilities. Siya yung mapagkukwentuhan mo ng realidad kasi grounded sa lupa.

The Rose. Best quality: Have it all Power: Fluctuating. Everyone loves her. She’s got it all, beauty, brains and talents to die for. Nung nagsabog si fairy godmother ng kagandahang dapat taglayin ng kababaihan, malamang may basket sya at nasalo nya ito, iwinisik sa body nya at boom! Sya na! Ewan ko ba, I feel na sya yung untouchable sa grupo ever since. Habang kami ay inuulan ng pagpuna, sya yung super steady lang. Love ng marami. Maraming drama sa katawan, naalala ko pa kumanta ng Regine, nag mala-MTV kasi may kandila2 pa ang ganap. Sometimes she gets too clouded. Madaling maapektuhan, madaling maimpluwensyahan ang decisions nya sa life but Di lang nya narerealize ng bongga na marami ang naiinggit sa kung ano ang meron sya.

The Sampaguita. Best quality: Multimedia Power. Flailing. Popular. Siya yung may taglay ng kakaibang karisma. Bubbly at magaan kasama. A breakthrough in her own art. Siya yung isang taong you can share something and her eyes will grow wider, nadadala sa kwento. She has a number of friends kasi nga very adaptable yung persona. She can agree with you full of intensity and disagree in a descending way. I think kasi she doesn’t want to offend anyone. If she doesn’t like your idea, she’ll say it in a rather nice way. Ang kanyang signature PABOrito laugh.

Sila yung mga halaman ng buhay ko. My girls. Girls who made my High School very fun and fulfilling.
At now I realize, we all are living in separate lives apart from each other. But then again, pumapasok yung paulit ulit na tanong, Ano ang magiging factor para mahinder yung friendship? 8 years ago I remembered I answered LOCATION.

And now I know that I was so wrong. We’re just plants, plants which grow and continue to blossom.

I love and miss KRAMP! :D

where to?

When I grow up, I want to be…

…a doctor! kasi yun yung common noon. Lahat ng mga kaklase ko, ganun din yung sagot. Naalala ko tuloy yung kapanahunan ng Batibot, ni Pong Pagong, at Dooo wah Di abididam bididoo…batch naming yun! At proud akong inabutan ko pa yung ganung generation, wala pang mga PSP etc.

Yun yung mga days ng life ko na parang ang sarap balik balikan. Young and free. Walang ibang puproblemahin kundi yung toys, recess at paghahanap ng mga kalaro habang naglalaro ng hide and seek. Yun yung mga days na di pa conscious sa sasabihin ng iba, ng demands ng society at ng pressure ng mga kaibigan sa mga bagay bagay.

After 10 years and more…

I never wanted to be a banker, but I was, at a certain point. I never wanted to go abroad for work but I did. Maraming kaganapan sa buhay na hindi pinlano or kung merong ganung ganap, di sadya at nagkatotoo. Wildest dreams kumbaga.

Nung High School ako, when I grow up I want to be a…uhm..uh.. yun na! Dun na nagsimula kung ano talaga yung gusto ko. While others wanted to be a nurse, halos lahat ng mga kaklase ko took the course, the same intensity naman yung pag-aayaw ko sa pagiging nurse. Not that I am disliking the course, I feel di ko lang talaga kakayanin yung tungkulin.

At some point, Mama and I had a very crucial discussion tungkol sa pagninurse ko, but I told her, I will be forced to take up nursing because you chose it, but don’t expect me to graduate on time or with flying colors at that. (as if lang naman) so, wala. Give up si Mudra, I wanted to be an engineer.

KR had a very huge contribution why I wanted to be an engineer. Naaamaze ako sa mechanical part ng isang bagay. Napafascinate ako sa daloy ng kuryente para magkaroon ng motion. Favorite ko yung nagrerepair kunwari ng mga sirang items. Electrician ang peg. As much as I enjoyed that and drawing and I love Math, so bongga, sad part is its unrequited love. Math loves Boys who play Dota and effortlessly answers her problems.

From there on, I shifted to a business course, kasi naman, I have this imagination na kaya kung bumuo ng kompanya in the future and I need the facts so I can apply it in real life. But then, I need the financial part as well so I settled for something with an accounting major.

While others are busy taking their time to party in college, I was swamped with majors and minors, papers and thesis. I had to do everything at once because I made a shift and it would take me 5years to finish college, kasi nga I took 1whole year in engineering, ilang subjects lang din yung nacredit. The good part is, I gained friends, lots of them kasi naging international student ako.

I was very vocal that I have a goal. While my friends keep telling me to take it easy, I took studies seriously. Sabi ko, I won’t graduate 1 year late from my batch. I had to do major innovation sa class scheds and I compromised my Lunch time to take in 1 subject more. Full loaded ako everyday. But I was happy.

Fortunately, naging kaibigan ko ang panahon at kapalaran, I was able to joggle everything and finished school just in time. I take it as my greatest accomplishment, honestly.

After college, yun na, I just went with the flow. I was confronted again with… When I grow up I want to be… I don’t know.

And up to this day, the same thing confronts me. And I am so scared I might not be able to answer that kahit kelan.

Lahat tayo di sure kung ano ang meron sa bukas na naghihintay. Yun nga lang ang iba mas may alam kung saan patutungo. Sila yung mga lucky few who know where they are going or what would they be ilang years from now.