abroading

Crossing the borders.

To leave your family behind in search for a greener pasture, to pursue a job abroad so you can make a better future, to outwit life’s complexities from miles away to provide for a brighter path… so many reasons but it all boils down to LOVE.

The sacrifices we make and the struggles we dare fight back are never easy. Sometimes, I feel as though I live in a world where my only purpose is to endure every single obstacle, come out of it intact, whatever that demands of me. Then came my sceptic side, were you asked to do so? Were you obliged? Bleh!

Of course my answer would most likely fall under the stubborn, adventurous, ready-to-capture-the-world type of idea… It’s probably a NO to every question. I came out to live my life. To pursue a goal while I was young and capable. To chase a dream that I am entitled, or so I thought. The thrill was just too much to let it pass. I dared accept the challenge.

I recently learned that the husband of a good friend went to UAE to seek for a better job and support their budding family. Then my thought came rushing in, Long-distance husband and father, how hard would that ever be?

I am fortunate enough to have been guided by my dad ever since my kiddo days. His work is home-based and so, I have no idea how hard it is for kids to be left with their moms because the dad would strive abroad to send them to good schools, buy them their needs and perhaps, provide for wants every now and then. I have classmates whose both parents are even abroad and that they were left to their grannies, aunts or even yayas.

I admit I had thoughts of envy because most of them have this and that. Most of them have money to boot and perhaps, in my young mind, all I really wanted were what I see, what I hear and what I know. I know they live in a comfortable house and have baon to even make libre all the other classmates. They were popular kids with too many friends. Because they are rich. The upper epsilon.

Looking back, I would wonder why my mom seemed to be too frugal. I thought to be abroad will get you rich quickly. Even our neighbours get to have houses renovated instantly and cars purchased one morning of surprise.

Now that I am abroad, all my ideas were of huge misconceptions. Yes, you are paid much higher than the job you have in the Philippines but this is just in equilibrium to the cost of living in the host country Yes, you can save but savings won’t equate time with the family. Yes, you can buy things but true happiness does not radiate from material possessions.

It takes a lot of courage to leave someone behind but it takes even more courage to leave a group of people who means the world to you. To the hubby of my good friends, he left his two sons and his beautiful wife… I hope his sacrifices are worth it. There is never a day that goes by without his wife thinking of him… I hope the feeling is mutual.

Abroad… one word that is associated with the farthest of dreams, biggest of hopes and deepest of love. A sacrifice today is a joy of tomorrow.

gym buff

Hit the gym!

With my aim for survival, emotionally, that is… I have devised a roster of activities that I will be getting into for the next few days. I am glad that with these activities, I have someone who joins me in.

Since I live in a much more convenient place for fitness, I vowed to hit the gym as often as I can. I used to go to the gym back in Davao but that one is by mood. And yes, sometimes, if I wanted some vitamins for my eyes (sadly, no one interesting). Now, my hitting to the gym is a diversion. A program to release stress from work.

I am in a relationship to a very stressful job. I have an idea of jumping out from it anytime. I mean, lets face it, I am single. I have no responsibilities to nurture and to provide for a child unlike my other friends who now got babies of their own. I’m not into credit cards thus, no debts to settle every now and then. At will, I can leave everything and move on to my next destination. But what keeps me going on? Perhaps my attitude for thrill, challenge and the likes. What irritates me is the fact that I may be delaying my agony. I might have lost the time for other things because I was too engrossed with this damn job.

Forgive my sort of expletives but there’s no other way that I can convey what I’m feeling. I have known from the very start that I am a straight worker, I do my job to the fullest of my abilities and I always give my 101% but sadly, sometimes, the effort isn’t appreciated and what is being magnified is the little split end. Who gets motivated to do even better?

I would avoid talking about my job at home and with my family because for me, it’s nothing but an activity to be busied about in the days that my eyes aren’t closed. It’s just a bridge to help me get by my day-to-day living. It shouldn’t be a big deal, at the end of the day, what I have is a good relationship with God and my family and friends. Good relationship with work? It just passes me by.

Anyway, sorting the fine strands of my life, I thought the idea of being busy to a new world is what I need. After all, I wouldn’t want to focus too much on work that it gets all my energy and leaves me withered and set aside. I do not want that my world will revolve around work. If I could employ a boyfriend for now, I would. Haha

Kidding aside, I hope I get to achieve that beach body. I once dreamed of having a toned tummy but I always get hopeless whenever I check myself in the mirror. Life. How can it be so cruel to me? Haha

Then I realize… I should spend less time surfing the internet. Thanks to my lost love. I don’t crave to go online as much as I wanted to before. You know the drill. You would want to have a quick chat with that special one before you hit the sack. But he is gone. Awwwww. No reason to go online other than chatting with my fambam.

Where to find me? Check me out at the gym! (I’m making it sound as if I am a big buff, por favour, escusi! haha)

drill

You know the drill.

The love-hate relationship could go on and on but I’m getting tired.

I would like to believe that this relationship is good while it lasts.

Its temporariness is familiar. Its cycle is dragging.

I have come up to a decision that I’m ending this relationship sooner than I intended.

It’s really hard for me to let it go because I’ve learned to live with it in ways I have never imagined before. I am ending this relationship because I am compromising too many of my other relationships.

Frankly, I feel as though I am trapped in a magician’s illusion, making people believe that everything is as colourful as it is but I know for a fact that I am dying inside. Dying along with my hopes and other aspirations.

It was blissful. Indeed, I couldn’t have been happier if I did not take a major leap of faith. Setting aside the generality, I am choosing to focus on a very fine detail. I am choosing to magnify an aspect which should be given a chance too.

I can say that I have been very lucky to have experienced it all. I may not have gained much wealth or a position in a star but I am blessed to have lived more than what I have envisioned myself into.

It takes a lot of courage to do a life-changing takeoff but what I learned is that it takes twice courage to do a mind-blowing landing. There has been so many roundup of thoughts and I spent sleepless nights to conjure a plan.

Nothing to lose. How can you lose something you always had from the very start? Or yes, maybe you lost a chance but you gained something more valuable.

life is beautiful

A sister is an extension of your self.

We are so alike in a hundred different ways and so different in quite a number of ways too. We fight, we argue, we become too verbal but at the end of the day, I’ve got no one to call to but you.

I am most grateful that I am given a “konsensya” in the form of my one and only sister. My weirdness escalates to a subliminal level that even I cannot fathom what I truly feel. It’s quite awkward to share bits and pieces of your weird thoughts to friends because it’s either they laugh at you and take it as a joke or pan you out of their lives. Ignore aliens.

I have never been too confused about life as I am today. Looking back, I only have one simple dream (apart from being a lawyer or a flight attendant) I only want a complete, healthy and happy family of my own. And today, I feel as though I am too far away towards that dream. Sometimes, when you share too much information, the tendency is over sharing but with a sister, no information is too much or too less. It just comes naturally. And these thoughts of a dream for example may be too much to friends (who don’t dream of this anyway?) but with a sister, she is interested in your hopes and ideals in a deeper, filial way.

What I love best about my sister is her being able to understand me even when even I, cannot understand myself. Her ideas are outrageous but comforting. I get depressed nowadays more than I have ever been depressed in the past. The mind just produces weakening hormones that feels you sick and dispensable. Most of the time, I endure things because I wanted to prove myself that I am strong enough to be the last woman standing but when times get tough, and I feel like giving up the approach of my sister would not be the ordinary “don’t give up or go for it” types of statements rather, it is the “nothing to lose” “live life to the fullest” “go for what makes you happy” types of encouragement. And I believe, it comforts me in ways no one ever did. I feel relieved that someone out there takes my happiness as the prime consideration and not the chances that I have foregone or the distance that I have travelled as “sayang naman”!  

I can say that throughout my journey, my sister has always been a special part of it. No amount of money, fame or big deal careers can ever define me in the eyes of my Ate. One time, I was in a tough situation of accepting a job offer. I was so confused that I seek the advice of my sister. She told me, “go for what makes you feel at ease more. You say the offer is from a big name? What’s in a name being big when you won’t feel happy as you are today in your current job?” Then I told her, “you know what, it’s going to look good in my resume” then she told me, “the fact that you came from a good bank here in the Phils is more than enough to win you over to more big names in the future. So steady, go for what makes you happy”

Anyway, this life is offering me so much learning. At times, I’m too stubborn not to pay attention. I get tired, stressed and burdened. I feel that as I grow older, I have so many unnecessary emotions. I am never the emotional type. I am built to last the harshest of winds but the moisture is swallowing me up and making me shrink all at the same time.

I am grateful that even though I am experiencing quite a number of turbulence in my life, there are people who stood by me and never fail to make me feel that it’s alright. It comforts me to know that whether or not my endeavours do come to an end as a failure or a success, it does not really matter. What matters is the smile on my face and the old jolly me.

Life is beautiful.

who does that?

There is no need to lower you standards, if you pray for it, God will give you someone worth the wait.

Line that struck me from Maricar Reyes’ statement. She could be right, having been married to one of my most favourite oldies singers.

Not that I am judging, it’s a fact, I’ve seen the video of how many years ago. I can say that love truly is something unexpected. And no matter how dark your past is, if the person truly loves you, he’d think his past is equally or even more darker than yours. So your past doesn’t have to be a big out of a deal.

I mean, to be able to find a guy who’d have his first kiss the moment you are pronounced as husband and wife is mind-blowing. It’s truly a one-in-a-million and I salute Richard for that. I was truly inspired, it’s never hopeless. There are stil l those types of guys, the dream guys.

And standards, I guess I’m made to believe (now that I am a lot older) that love and even like is a choice one should accept to take. Gone are the days when a girl makes a guy wait to prove to her how much he loves her. Truth: those guys are near EXTINCTION.

As instagram, instatext, instachat come to reign, instagf/ instabf does come in handy too. And although I know I am self-confessed traditional, quite old fashioned lady who teleported from the 60s to the modern world, I think I do need to change my ideas on relationships and love per se or else, I’d die solo. Who would like that?

Along with this idea is the feeling of awe I felt when I told my sister quite a number of my realizations. I just felt an overwhelming support, pushing me to materialize my thoughts. Funny that my sister used to the big figure when it comes to me, meeting guys and so on… now, she’s the big voice telling me to go for it.

Oh well, things have changed. But my ideas and thoughts remain the same. Now I begin to ask, how can I cope with this evolving world when I am too averse as to playing the game and riding with the flow? Ugggh.

Foolish me.

Till next time,

endure, injure

Endurance.

One of life’s little lessons while staying abroad.

Tell you what, there are so many reasons to just let go instead of taking all the sh*t this life is giving you. I would say… I am the type who doesn’t really fall under the patient and enduring category. I belong to the life-is-short-no-nonsense and if-its-broken-throw-it category.

 I have read a guide 25 things to do before you hit 30. Aside from going to a new place, what struck me is the item that says “quit your job and pursue your passion”. Seriously, who does that? Unless of course I am a daughter of a megamillion magnate.

I’ve known this since time immemorial that Life is unfair. Only the rich can afford to pursue a passion in the arts, why? Because they don’t need to grind to the office as much as mediocres do, perhaps like me and you. Plus, art (unless recycled) is costly to produce.

I have always thought of quitting my job, it occurs to me now more than ever. I feel as though I’m trapped in an institution where I am not expected to grow but to just get by. You may say I am an idealist, but how can someone refute my own emotions? My thoughts of home consume me more now that it ever was. What is truly important? Do I need to have more and end up spending less time with the ones I value most?

Through it all, I know I am very much blessed. I am grateful. I am super thankful that I was able to shoot a star, no matter how difficult it was. It’s true… dreams do come true, but along with it are hardwork and sacrifices you have to pay. It is indeed a grueling process of dusting off the dirt and making a brilliant shine.

I am planning to move back. Quite frankly, I really don’t know what awaits me there. Of course, I have gotten comfortable with the kind of lifestyle that I am living here but one thing I know, happiness is when I am with my family. Afterall, life is so short, why spend it miles away from the ones who matter most?


With that on cue, I would say, I have to endure some more before I have my great exodus. And while I target to a specific date soon, fate steps in, wanting me to back out and have it sooner. I am so tired. I am stressed and unhappy with the things I do. It’s like me getting into a dark tunnel again. And if truth be told, I am on the verge of spelling Q-U-I-T. I know it would be foolish, it’s illogical and premature. But really, endurance… how can I ever get an overdose of you?

Resident Angel

New House, new life!

So, we got a new house just two blocks away from our old house. The truth is, I was a bit hesitant as to committing myself for it.

I have my reasons. One, it’s quite far from the MRT. My previous house was just a four-minute walk away from the station. While the new house is about a ten-minute walk. I seriously hate being late but I hate getting up too early.Two, the new house costs a bit more. Finally, I feel stuck the moment I sign the contract for a new house. I am a free spirit. I just wanna go by my rules. I hate being pressured to stay just because I have a contract to honor.

My friend, A and I talked that I do not intend to get the house but the moment I saw the pool, I forgot my firm NO and had a firm NOD instead. I am a swimmer by heart. If there’s one sport that I’d like to excel in, I’d like it to be swimming. I once dreamed of being a national athlete, perhaps a constant in the Palarong Pambansa. Plus, the house has got its own gym and sauna. It offers bookings on KTV and barbeque pits. (FYI, it’s not ordinary to just have barbeque parties here in Singapore. It’s not like our own barangay where we can easily grill in a screen or even an electric fan window.)

I forgot all my other concerns and just went with it. My new hobby now includes cooking, (although it’s a thing that I am fond of, when the schedule permits now, it’s becoming a fixture), going to the gym, flexing thy muscles and burning some fats (hopefully) and of course, going for a quick dive whenever I feel like it. Am I living a healthy lifestyle? It’s something that I am struggling to achieve. Health is wealth.

And since the house is quite far from the station, I hope to save more by not going out. Perhaps, I’ll just buy the things I need for the whole week and go out only if necessary. ( Goodluck to me!) Now, I’m living in a new house, with new housemates. I would surely miss my former housemates. The people who made my year or so memorable. Because of them, I was able to endure cooking for hours cause while my hand is busy slicing and dicing my ingredients, my mouth is equally busy telling stories and hearing latest news. I’d miss feeling like a true-blue OFW by being glued to Ina, Kapatid Anak with all of us gathered in the couch and sharing hate remarks against majarot este… margaux.

It’s true that change is the only constant in this world along with taxes. But seriously, I think that the best thing of it all is the ability to grow. From knowing new people to realizing that this world offers a lot of goodness among strangers. The best thing is creating memories that maybe, few years from now I’d remember and smile to myself the thought that along the way of pushing my independence, I’ve met quite a number of people who made life more worthwhile.