dreaming with a wooden spoon

In this world, there are only two kinds of people, those who have dreams and those who are nonchalant.

The first category is where I belong.

My dreams may sound idealistic to some, impossible even, but to me, I live for that small ray of hope that someday, my dreams will come true.

I would want someone who would support my dreams and not question it.

I would want someone who will be there to hold my hand in my process of achieving it instead of someone who tells me to stop wasting my time chasing it.

I would want someone who dreams same or different dreams rather than someone who is calloused and bitter about life.

I get that dreams are dreams for a reason and it would be nice to continue living because aside from the daily routine, you have this bigger picture of what you want your life to be. It is not to say that you are blinded by a false interpretation about life, but you aim to do more within the given time frame you walk in around this world.

I used to think that my circumstances won’t get me far as compared to those born with a silver spoon, but the more I dream, the more I feel that my dreams are within my reach. No matter how small or big those dreams are, they mean the same, they’re up to be aimed.

I like to believe that even if society seems to categorize you as this or that, there is always a variable and this variable is one that makes it worth living. 

break in

620am

i was deep in sleep when I heard someone telling me, “ter, are you okay?”

I didn’t realize I was screaming while asleep. But I knew I was screaming in my dream.

I dreamt about a neighbour trying to break in our house. A neighbour which we knew since birth.

He’s someone with a list of bad things. In my dream, I saw him hammering his way to break a glass window in the toilet.

In my dream, we were in the living room when I heard the knocking sound so I went to check where the noise is coming from and found myself in the the toilet and to my horror, I saw someone trying to smash in. I saw his face and the evil grin somewhat taunting me, “what can you do? I’m gonna get you!”. I was shocked, shaken and I screamed! I wanted to get my parents’ attention so they can run to find out what’s happening with me in the toilet.

9am

I am now sitting in the office and somewhat having chest pains. I guess my dream extends in my reality. It’s like having to feel the pain although the cause is something from another dimension.

What the hell?!

And what could this dream mean?

I looked it up and it says something about:

 If you dream that someone broke into your house, you have a sense of being violated. Your personal boundaries have been crossed by someone.

(source: http://www.dreamforth.com/search.php?query=someone-breaking-in-to-my-apartment&type=dreams&page=1)

To dream that someone is trying to break into your house indicates that some subconscious material is attempting to make itself known. ... Alternatively, the dreammay be about a current relationship or situation that is making you uncomfortable. You feel that you are losing your own identity or space.

(source: http://dreammoods.com/cgibin/dreamdictionarysearch.pl?method=exact&header=dreamsymbol&search=breaking)

To dream that your house is broken into, suggests that you are feeling violated. It may refer to a particular relationship or current situation in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that some unconscious material is attempting to make itself known. There are some aspects of yourself that you have denied. 

(source: https://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080214140354AA710sG)

I honestly don’t know what it means. But for what it’s worth, it’s rooting from fear.

Geez! Guess I’m thinking too much again. :P

friendship hassles

Then I asked myself, Am I overreacting?

Am I being oversensitive?

Am I clingy?

Am I anything that I do not want in a friend?

I have been rocking the same boat for a while and quite literally, I am sooooo nauumay na about it.

I feel as though I am putting myself in the same pit over and over again, can I move on?

While I can run a few reasons why I hate myself from being too involved, I can also pinpoint a number of reasons why I need to know.

I am open and honest and I expect the same. Sadly, I can’t force someone to do it just because it’s not her genetic makeup. I want to laugh at this stupid dilemma that I am in.

But this made me lose sleep a couple of times.

I asked a dear friend for an advice and she said, it’s better if I leave it as that.

I think so too. But I die a little every time I miss out something.

I am skeptical whether I need to trust this person.

But you see, we’ve been friends for so long, and there were good more than the bad times.

Honestly, I’d like to ask if there’s any problem but I don’t want to come off nosey?

She’s defensive, I get it. whatever is going on, I don’t have any clue about it… and we call ourselves, close friends huh?

I guess this is a necessary process for growth. How do I handle human relationships?

How do I handle quite as common as friendships?

You are You, labli and you can’t change that. They are them and you can’t change that either.

Fighting!!

me time me

There would be days like this…

When all I want is to have an alone time.

Being in a crowd or in constant company with someone, sometimes makes me feel as though I am losing touch on myself.

I keep pride on being steady but sometimes there are days when I just want to hide and take my precious sweet time, by myself.

It’s not because I am feeling down or sad or anything dark but it’s a beautiful thing to be in tune with yourself. Having no one to influence your opinion, having no one to listen to, having no one to mind or take care of, having no one to interact --- but yourself, is something that I once in a while need in my life.

I am so used with myself that I miss ME in days when I feel like I’m spending too much time with others.

There are days when I feel as though I’m losing my individuality just because I became too close with someone else. There are days when I feel suffocated just because my judgment is clouded by the people’s opinion on a certain predicament. There are days when I feel as though people around me know so much about my business more than I do and I lose interest in that.  To me, I need to be in a situation wherein i follow my own pace. Because I know that I am steady and that I’ll come around  even after I drift apart, for a while.

They call it an ARIES thing but I call it a personal preference.

I miss ME. I miss who I am without anyone else.

I miss my time alone, my time to observe, to think, to read, to sleep, to eat by myself, to be ME without pretensions. I am my best company =)

excerpt no.2

Excerpt from my notes:



And he asked all the possible guys in connection to me and I calmly named a few.
I see no interest in answering ‘cause there’s nothing and no one to speak of, in its truest sense anyway.
How interested is he in the works of my life? I wonder.
I don’t find anything extraordinary about myself other than my being independent and my crazy love for travels.
It amazes and scares me at the same time, having someone so in-depth
About knowing what and who I am.



Calm my heart, I need to.

my child

Dear MY future child,

Mummy is 30 now.

Whenever I think of you, I get the peculiar sense of excitement enveloping around me.

Will you get my eyes? My odd mannerisms or my undeniable guts?

Will you get my fearless and funky attitude or my love for the arts?

I want you to know that I’m looking forward to having you in my life.

I don’t know when though, but perhaps when the time is right, God will bless me with you.

My child, I want nothing but your best interest at heart.

Mummy will give up so many things to give way for what you need and want, provided it is good for you.

Mummy will try her best to be the coolest mom she can possibly be.

I want you to know that I love you very dearly.

My hopes for you are as high as the mountains and my faith in you is stronger than the waves of the ocean.

I want you to learn the basics.

Get the best example and instill in you the kindness this life has to offer.

And when you’re ready…

I want you to go out there and be who you wanna be.

I want you to explore your limits and realize your own potential because you are more than what you can imagine.

I want you to see the world and experience cultures because It broadens your way of thinking.

I want you to go and live just like Maya Angelou once said:

“I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. 
Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.”

I will be your biggest supporter, your number one fan and defender.

I will be your Home, your refuge whenever you feel sad and blue.

I will be your light, to push you further so you won’t be afraid.

I hope to see you when God permits me to be your Mommy.

Love, Mom

Sinewy

Excerpt from my notes:

And his voice reminds me of my fave disc jockey back in high school. The crisp baritone voice with a tinge of both gentleness and melancholy makes me feel as though he is the reason why radio programs are made. 

The sinewy feel with the lowest of decibels that complements my candidly unmodulated voice makes my stomach lurch seemingly with hundreds of butterflies inside. 

And when he talks to me, i feel as though I am the personification of his dreams. The answer to his long standing prayer.

And so is he, to me.

favorite place

What’s your most favourite place among the places that you’ve visited?

1… 2… 3… 5 seconds passed and I failed to answer.

How can I choose among those places when they hold dear memories to me?

These places left an indelible mark on me about gratitude and humility.

These places made my dream come true and my imagination a living reality.

I answered, first of all, I cannot choose a least favorite place.

Each place is delightful and amazing and makes me totally in love.

Secondly, these places were straight out from the magazines.

As a kid, I’d always see myself in there.

In retrospect, I never really knew if it was possible.

Then he asked, Europe, US or Asia?

And without batting an eyelash, I answered Europe!

Why, not everyone is given the chance.

To be fair, NEW YORK is what I had envisioned it to be. Young, bustling with a peculiar hint of vintage.

It was electrifying, energy-boosting and hulluvah excruciating to be in that city.

ASIA on the other hand is rich in culture, customs and traditions.

There goes my wearing a skirt from Bangkok to Bali just because temples are supposed to be sacred and you can’t wear anything that exposes the legs. Or the culinary explosion of flavourful food rich in variety of spices found only in Asia. From saigaon to Phnom Penh to Seoul to Kyoto.

But Europe?

Everything was just larger than life. From the distinguishing ruins of Rome to Eiffel tower.

From the jaw-dropping architecture of Sagrada Familia in Barcelona to the erect of our main man, Statue of David in Florence. It was everything I can possibly dream of and more.

I literally and figuratively lost my mind as I look up and probably used up my neck muscles more than I have ever did someplace else.

If I can have one more wish, I’d want to have another go in Europe. Probably explore, Berlin, Geneva, Vienna, Prague, Budapest, and see the Northern lights somewhere in Iceland.

It doesn’t matter when, but I do hope it is sooner.

My most favorite place though is still home.

Because home is where I go to every after awesome travels.

Home is where I find refuge and rest and feel constantly safe.

(yeah, i'm so corny haha)

#kapre

Do you ever feel that you’ve actually found the one and yet you try to play it cool by brushing it off and just think less about it?

Well I do. And I’m keeping myself afloat and not be too into it because chances are, I’d expect much and get hurt in the end.

The people around me say, he is the one!

I know. I feel it too.

But it is such a long road from here.

It’s like being scared all of a sudden just because the one you’ve waited for so long is presenting itself in front of you.

Anyway, I think I am overthinking things again and I should stop pre-empting things because I don’t want to be heartbroken and disappointed in the end.

I’m taking it slow. Real slow. Steady.

Kalma, my heart and kalma people! :P