marry me, scaredy me.

There are days when I feel like I don’t want to get married at all and there are days when I feel like I need to rush to meet a good guy and marry asap.

And today I feel like the latter.

Blame it on the Royal Wedding!

My friend said, “Meghan is soooo damn lucky!”

I agreed but then it got me thinking, hey, her life will change BIG TIME.

It’s really not at all good if you think about it.

For one, although she’s an actress who seemed to be used to the limelight, she had days where she quietly jogs in the park and perhaps eat burritos on a bench without a care in the world. She had nights wherein she can freely go and be oblivious to the surrounding eyes ‘cause let’s face it, she’s not much of a paparrazied big time celeb.

With her marriage to a Prince of Wales, she’d be subjected to unending scrutiny. She’d have royal guards all over her and perhaps, be in her best look every time of the day. When you think about it, isn’t it pretty exhausting, restricting even?

But anyway, while watching the Royal wedding, it brought me to thinking whether I’d find a guy who’d look at me like Harry does to Meghan. I wondered whether I get the same jitters and glitters while I hide my face in my veil as I walk down the aisle. I wondered whether I get that peculiar sense of glow as I say “Hi”, when my groom meets me in the altar and he’d don a smile like that of a child who received his biggest gift. I wondered whether he’s held my hand as if to say, “you’ll never be alone again.”

For obvious reasons, I get so emotional.

It made me think about my own happy ever after. Will I ever--- Ever grace the altar with the same intensity as they did?! Or for that matter, will I ever, for the life of me, have a wedding?!

They say, marry for the right reason, and that reason being LOVE. I seem to be missing that point because I don’t think I truly loved someone with whom I can give up everything that I built my walls for. I don’t know why Love is so elusive and why I find it so hard to fall in love. Truth be told.

I’ve always been adamant to take my time and just chill when it comes to relationships. How much more when it comes to a lifetime commitment like marriage? I’ve always been fearful of committing because promises shouldn’t be broken and most often, I’ve seen more promises shattered than being sworn to. But really, I keep some hope in my pocket that my time will come.

Today, I feel like I’ve just wanted to meet someone whom I can tolerate. I feel like I want to meet someone whom I can bet my heart with and just stop thinking about where it leads me. I feel like I want to meet someone to whom I can be myself and showcase my quirks without hesitation.

Today, of all days, I wonder whether marriage is written on my palms…

And today, of all days, I said a little prayer for it.