law of the jungle

Survival?

I have been hooked with a Korean Variety show that showcases celebrities in an uninhabited island, making their shed and finding their food. The show is much like the famous “SURVIVOR” show in the US.

I am amazed at how people try to survive despite the weather conditions and the lack of resources. In one episode, the guests’ bags were hidden from them as soon as they have arrived. They need to survive for 24 hours from scavenging garbage washed ashore and remodel what they can find for their daily purpose.

They have wandered around the island, finding broken electric fans, goggles or unmatched slippers. They have surveyed the dense forest and even encountered king cobra. They found coconuts and made food from it to fill their stomachs. They have repurposed the fan screens to become a hunting tool to catch fishes deep in the ocean.

While watching I wondered how God has made the world so full and enticing at the same time. The gifts of nature never disappoint. While I have this thought lingering on, it made me realize of the gifts of men as well. We are born to adapt to changes. We are born to toil the land, to hunt, to prosper. We are born to pursue, to wander, to use anything for a greater advantage. We are made special. We are favoured.

Nothing is impossible. Nothing gets done without taking a step and pursuing it till the end.

The world is a denser forest to live in. It is a jungle of wilderness and possibilities. It is a world full of struggles and obstacles but the hunter can never be successful without taking the first step to be in the jungle. The hunter needs to aim for the target, to focus and to understand that while conditions can grow harsher, he can only depend on his skill set to make things happen.

With this in mind, I feel that the world is teaching me to persevere and to see to it that while some of my pursuits seem to be futile, nothing is more disappointing than having no action at all.

It is amazing how this show affected me. Who would have thought that while they speak Korean, my mind speak to me in the same way that my heart does.

i passed!

Yayyy!! I passed!

It is one of the sweetest wins ever!

2019 has been full of twists and turns. I know I should not focus on the negative but what’s more notable in 2019 is the major rejections and denials that I faced. For the first time in my life, I doubted whether I am lucky, when I have been convinced that I was before the big denial happened.

No matter how I try to deny it, that rejection has been a turning point. It made me look at my life and reevaluate my choices. It even made me beat myself into thinking, I am being punished.

I have been quite confident in all the risks I have taken because I feel that, somehow, I will have to manage. But the rejection made me second guess myself. Am I capable? Am I doing it right? Is this okay? It made me doubt what I knew and made me feel like between 0 to 0.1 anything can happen that I can never control.

The IELTS exam was truly nerve-wracking. That train of thought, into not having the control made it worst. It made me extra nervous about passing the exam.

My friends told me, “you can do it!” and I know in my heart that I can but still… because almost all my plans have not been successful, one by one, the aspects of my life have been halted. It’s like ground zero where when a bad thing happens, I sigh and think “well played life, well played. I did not expect but I am not surprised.”

A series of disappointments made me feel numb. What’s one disappointment more?

It made me think about this year as a year of turbulence. A year when my life has been split into so many angles, dislocated, misshaped.

But then, it also made me think about hope. It made me turn to God hoping he’s doing this reshaping of my life as a remodeling, a renovation, a special process to make me more beautiful. Molded to his perfect cast.

Through passing IELTS, I was given the courage, the will, the vigor to keep going. I have holed myself to the unfortunate events that befell me but I am reminded once again that tough times never last.

Hooray to new beginnings!

fire again

Sometimes we cannot really discount our feelings of anxiety. The thought about harsh realities of poverty and degradation is what keeps me uneasy. At times, my thought of being stagnant gets the best of me which will lead me to think about how my luck has been running out these days.

It’s really normal to think about these worries, what’s not normal is investing too much emotions on it as if it’s the truth. Being pessimistic and believing in baseless ideas does not help one bit.

Whenever I face anxiety, I always remind myself that my current position is not my destination. I am reminded not to predetermine my situation because I have a God who loves me and He will never forsake me. When have He ever left me?

I avoided planning for my future because it stresses me out. I spent a year for rest and emptying my mind. It worked fine but as the days go by, I find myself feeling uncomfortable. I feel guilty to afford such a rest when I should double my efforts towards my goals. It made me feel like I am missing out on generating income and investments. As time goes by, I feel uneasy to the fact that I am not earning at all.

I don’t know how to go about living the rest of my days with nothing to do and earning nothing. Although I am lucky to have a family who supported my decision, I feel as though I am abusing their support without a concrete plan of what I will be doing sooner or later. I feel the stress to outdo myself because I need to support them.

Sometimes, I feel as though God has given me this one year to do whatever I want to do because it will be highly strenuous later and for that, I am preparing myself, physically and mentally.

I realized that I was always hesitant to live my life alone because I am too attached to my family. My decisions were always in consideration of my family’s role in my life and being at home for a year made me rethink about my principle.

Wherever I will be in the world, my family will always be my rock. I always denied changes within my family because my memories of my family since childhood are novelty. However, I have to pursue my personal goals without them. I cannot be in the same mindset as having one foot to my goals and having the other back home. I should be in that pursuit in both feet, owning my life and gambling all of me. I cannot be in two boats because I might end up not having any of the boats.

In this regard, I plan to take all the necessary rest and absorb all the lessons that I have learned while here. It’s funny how staying at home woke me back to my reality. It’s funny how it motivates me to do whatever I can. I cannot remain nonchalant nor lax about my goals because truly, nothing will be accomplished.

I always wondered how working overseas has changed me and staying home ignited the fire that died since then. Now, I feel the need to go above and beyond to reach a point in my life when I can say that “I made it”. I will look back on this rest as a necessary process to achieve that point. I will not falter; I will continue to strive.