Engineer K

My younger cousin is now an Engineer!

I am elated for him. I knew he’d make it because he had the brains for it. As I pondered, I thought about his difficulties growing up. Here is a kid who might have been given everything during abundance but as soon as he reached the school age, their abundance has been depleted. So, there he was, trying to stay afloat. He was thrown out in the open truly unprepared. It was a series of bad decisions by adults and the kids had to bear the brunt of things. And when I think about that, it breaks my heart. 

What’s the worst that could happen to an unprepared kid? Having no support. So, I supported him in my own way. I let him know that I was on the sidelines, rooting for him. His situation may be far from ideal, but it is in these circumstances that he becomes stronger. Fast forward to 2024, and he’s passed the board!

I received a chat from him telling me he is grateful for everything that we have done for them (him and his older brother). He told me how he always felt like they were our little brothers. I was touched. It is exactly how I always viewed them. They may be just our cousins, but they’re close to my heart as I took care of them while I was a kid myself. The growing years flashed before me, and it always painted the close-knit bond I had with them.

As the youngest in my family, I wore my “ate” hat proudly and told him that I always believed in him. I may have said tough words to him, but those words were meant to push him in the right direction. With pure intent, I continuously encouraged him to avoid bad places and people who would hasten his ruin. I told him that hopefully, he got something out of the lessons and advice that we’ve given him. It was all for his own good.

As I wrote my message to him, I got a little emotional. I acknowledged that I could have done more. I could have given more. Although I was also a kid trying to find my place in the world, I always had the admiration, support, and love of my family. I wished I was that to him too.  I wished that my occasional “I love you” meant more to him than it is to me. Because really, without knowing that you are loved and supported in every way, how could you make anything possible?

I told him three things: First, from this point on, he would be in the driver's seat. Whatever direction he maneuvers the wheel, everything else goes in that direction. With that in mind, I wanted him to choose wisely. In life, mistakes are inevitable. It’s a win-win if we think of mistakes as lessons that we learn from. It’s plain stupidity if we make the same mistake hoping for another result.

Second, Disappointments are difficult to process. I know he knows that well, given the situation he grew up in. But what makes disappointments much harder is the ability of our minds to dwell on it. For example, I always envisioned myself as the boss. I make the call and stuff but sixteen years later, I am still doing entry-level jobs. Does that even make sense? Well, if I dwell on being disappointed, I’ll always think about my experience in a very 2-D way. But I am optimistic, it’s like playing football. I come from the lower division working my way towards Premier League and the FA Cup! I am on an entry-level job working towards various playing fields!

Lastly, “There’s no such thing as FREE lunch in this world”. This, I would say is a hard pill to swallow because we like free things. We never say no to a treat. But for the world to work, we do not always take, we give. It’s about symbiotic relationships. You do not bleed someone dry and be entitled to it. We will get refused, rejected, or said “NO” to, and it’s okay. Because as much as we expect freebies, we also get to pay in part or in full. We remain grateful. When we can, we pay it forward.  

Our conversation ended because I thought I was becoming too serious. Being too serious is boring. I wished him luck and let him know that I love him, no matter what. Hopefully, he feels loved and supported enough to make his dreams come true, like I did!

Congratulations Engr Ken! 

Good riddance

 

You know what’s amazing?

That you keep fighting regardless of the odds. So, what if a door closes? I look at it as a closure for something fleeting. Looking back, the greatest of my pursuits are the result of the closed doors, the unwelcomed seat at the table, or simply, the missed bus that I am accustomed to riding.

 At this time and age, I learned that I can/will never have it all. I have learned that what is given can be taken away. This includes the opportunities, the material possessions, or even the bunch of people I call friends. I used to anchor myself around these. But maybe, just maybe… things or people that are not meant to be with you on your journey are dropped along the way because it makes your load lighter.

Believe me when I say that while I expected more, I heaved a sigh of relief, “Good riddance!”. Because it is in these critical moments that the true ones present themselves. It is in these moments that I look closely and realize that normally, the final stage would not include all the hopefuls. In the last phase, only the very best stays.

My goals are clearer than sunshine. I have learned that in pursuing things for myself, there would be obstacles. But I always go back to that September, when I threw my caution to the wind and never looked back. I guess it comes with the territory. When you build yourself from nothing, you can do it all over again. 

Because again, just who matters? You do. And them who support you. There is no greater satisfaction than having only what you are destined to have. 

Diffi-CULT

“Difficulties strengthen the mind as labor does to the body.”

Well, Marcus Aurelius had it figured out, I thought. When you think of it that way, it makes difficulties a powerful ingredient for growth. It creates a compartment somewhere inside you that makes you feel kind of normal. Who does not go through difficult times, right?

Difficulties are like a vortex of darkness. You get sucked into that tunnel. You try to rationalize things, but negative feelings pile up one against the other. When that happens, you get swallowed by it. You feel trapped and hopeless.

In mine, I always feel like I am trying too hard for nothing. I feel injustice. I feel as though I get to bear the brunt of things. It is both a curse and a blessing to do it solo. Curse because I get to feel like everything is a one-man show. Blessing because it makes me mentally stronger. Like what is there to lose other than a mouth (my mouth) unfed?

A few years ago, I had an economic difficulty. It was difficult to move forward from a job that provided for me. At that time, it was a huge decision to make because that job was my ticket to stay in the country. Leaving it meant zero funds, zero capacity to afford my basic needs, and perhaps, zero ability to pursue my hobbies. Tell you what, it may sound so simple, but the reality is, that decision was a domino effect affecting all aspects of my life. I had to move back. I had to get back to square one. Questions without answers arose: “What am I going to do back home?”, “How would I maintain my lifestyle?”, “Do I need to find a job there?”. It was a roller coaster of emotions, a to-be or not-to-be decision that was extremely hard to finalize.  It was a battle between the practical and the idealist me.

When friends asked, “What’s your plan B?”, I go, “Well, I don’t have any”, it shocked them.  It may be because I’m known to be a planner. I organize events, I plan things, and I write “to-do” lists. To be fair, it shocked me too. In the biggest of my moments, I didn’t plan anything after. I just wanted to take a break, more than anything. 

When I think about that moment in my life, I now find it funny AND necessary. It was helpful because I learned so much about myself in that single episode. As I progressed through life, I found that as my benchmark. The fear, the uncertainty, the anxiety but also the courage, the zest, the faith. It shaped me to hope regardless of the odds.

Now when I have similar difficulties, I look back at that time of my life. And it makes me feel better. It makes me feel less afraid. It gives me the power to own my life because, oh well, whatever happens, happens. I don’t beat myself up for not leaving toxic environments or people. In trying to maintain the best version of myself, I learned to choose who and where I associate myself with.

With similar difficulties now, I get a nudge in the gut somewhat telling me to rethink the whole situation. It becomes a signal for me to change. I can change my job, my relationships, or my situation. Or simply, change my mindset. I am confident in neutralizing things because If I did it before, I can do it now or as many times, if necessary. It made me aware of the value I put on myself more than the external forces trying to wreak havoc within me.

In all of this, I learned to handle my emotions. In anger, it is so easy to lose sight of what is important. In rejection, it is so easy to just give up and never try again. In despair, it is so easy to stay there. But to identify with the emotion or with the situation that I am in is unwise. I am neither my emotions nor my situation. I am just passing through it. I learned to identify with my capacity to weather storms. 

Of course, to say that I can easily shake off negativities would be a lie. But like good days, bad days are nothing but temporary. I may be unhappy today but it doesn't mean I will never laugh again. At the end of it all, what stands still is my sense of self-- who I am, not only in the good but more importantly, in difficult times. 

Birthday Blues

It’s the birthday blues!

It’s no secret that I feel down before every birthday. I don’t know why but it has always been like that.

Perhaps, I can’t help but overthink about my life. Getting older… Did I accomplish anything noteworthy?

I’m thinking out loud and maybe self-sabotaging but what are my breakthroughs? For one, not a single zero was added to my account. Second, I am still trying to find my place in the world and lastly, I still stand here alone on earth wondering what exactly I’m doing.  These thoughts keep me grounded, other than almost always leave me unhappy.

I guess I’ve always thought about making it big. I’ve always thought of myself as a competent individual who can take challenges. I thought of these challenges as my preparations for the big things. So, when I allow myself to mull over my achievements, what have I accomplished really?

My sister told me, “Don’t be too hard on yourself”. Well, to be frank, I seem to allow myself to gloat days before my big day. I mull over details about my life that need improvement. For one, I am disappointed that I have not been able to finish law school. I made a vow to continue but going into the fine print, it’s easier said than done. I am up against overwhelming odds. Then there’s frustration over not reaching my maximum potential. I feel like I am just always mediocre and every birthday, I am reminded of that.

“You’ve achieved more than you think you know”, says my sister who tried to console me. But I don’t know, I feel like there’s still a lot more for me, and yet I am biding my time to play small. Despite my efforts, it feels like I’m shortchanged.

Am I being critical of myself? I guess.

Maybe before every birthday, I have this mental new birthday resolution that I keep track of, and I am displeased when nothing on that list gets ticked off. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all the opportunities that have been offered. I appreciate the people who bridged me to my goals. Bless their hearts. But personally, there’s just this cloud of ideas hovering around my head telling me that I could do more. That I could be more.

Either way, as I said before, I am allowing myself to gloat, once a year. It just happens to be BEFORE birthdays. In the bigger picture though, birthdays are a testament to love. To be alive and kicking, that’s got to be the MORE of my more. 

Nah nay

“Who are you?”, My bedridden grandmother asked when my mom showed my face to her through a video call.

Behest the pang of sadness, I said: “It’s Lovely, your most beautiful apo”. She said, “How’s your mother doing?”

To which I laughed and said, “Oh she’s the one holding the phone and visiting you today.” She apologized and said, “I am old I cannot remember much.”

Making the conversation light, I joked. “It’s fine, as long as you remain beautiful ”. She then told me things that broke my heart. She said, “Please call me all the time while I am still alive. I know I am being a burden to my children because I am sick and weak. I pray that God will take me soon, so I do not add any more burden than I already do.”

I maintained a cheerful face even though my heart got crushed into tiny million pieces. We bid our goodbyes, but her words were looping on my head. I mulled over life in general. I thought about how my grandmother had always been full of life when I was growing up. She loved beautiful things. She liked eating out. She liked simple and grand pleasures, all the same.

Seeing her now, weak and feeling desolate, I felt indescribable gloom and panic. I am shaken.

It is difficult to appear cheery when the reality and the gravity of the situation swallow the little hopes of wellness and quality of life that come with old age. 

Friendship is spelled with END

As much as we want to take old friends with us to the next level, sometimes, it’s better to just leave them as they are.

I have always been a very loyal friend. The type to make an enemy of someone who messes up with my friend. I’d like to think that that’s just how I view friendships – worth protecting for.

I am usually cool. I don’t take things like everything is such a big deal. I’ve never been that problematic friend with various issues.

However, with the recent friendship situation that I am in, I am reconsidering the type of friend I am and exactly the type of friend I have. As a friend, I am slow to process anger. I get annoyed, yes, but most of my friends don’t really get the gravity of what I’m feeling because I don't show it. Normally, I take a step back and process it on my own.

But not anymore.

I have made a vow to myself. With relationships, romantic or friendship, I would never compromise my own emotions. I refuse to be the absorber. I refuse to be a doormat. I refuse to be the ultimate patron up to the extent of my ruin. I refuse to compromise what I really like just because a certain someone likes something else. I hate that when I do that to myself. I hate that I must curb my own desires for others. And the sad thing is that they don’t even realize that you sacrificed your own for them.

I was told I have this habit of accounting for what I did. Well, let’s just say that I do because someone may have lacked sensitivity. When you give in every time, they seem to think that they’re entitled to it. They're accustomed to you giving in that when you stress NOT giving in this time, you have become "difficult". Friendship is a symbiotic relationship. You give and you take. You do not take everything and think that it's okay because someone is ALWAYS okay with it. There is always a limit to everything.

As I reflected on my relationships, I just kind of think that some friendships come to an end just because you get tired of making it work. You face a certain wall that helps you decide whether the friendship is worth anything to fight for. In my case, I think that I am no longer in my pleaser era. I no longer have the patience and flexibility to bend and reshape myself to fit someone’s idea of a friend.

I have come so far from where I started. I am not the same giddy, goody girl that I used to be. I have my own issues, responsibilities, fears, and anxieties. I have a reality that demands time and effort and I no longer have the luxury of time to do mind games with people. I no longer have the tolerance to wait on someone and be in that zone. I no longer have the aptitude to be in a drama. I have my own problems to solve, my own drama to star in. I demand to pursue things and relationships that help me grow with peace.

As much as I’d like to keep the number of friends as they are. And as much as I’d like to see them next to me on this ride all the way, (And believe me, I always do), I think that some friendships can only take so far. 

Like everything in our journey through life, some friendships take exits, some friendships break down, and some friendships can have flat tires. I am just hopeful that at some point,  these friendships still reach their destination no matter what route they take. 

Childhood on our mental health challenges

“I have mental challenges.”

It’s pretty common especially here in the North American region. A friend and I once had a dialogue about the possible causes of mental illness in a first-world country, such as Canada and we could infer that there are several factors that when you look at it, are intertwined. I want to put a disclaimer here; this is a stereotypical analysis with no proof other than what is observed. This may sound ignorant, but it is what it is, and I do not want to sugarcoat things.

Growing up and being raised in a third-world country offers a stark contrast to the economic and social capabilities of individuals living here. I always think that depression and underlying mental conditions emanate from experiences as a child. It must have been a void that no matter how you try to seal it, sinkhole after sinkhole appears.

For one, I am living in a very expensive city, and with this comes the resources that you need to produce to keep on living here. From an economic perspective, parents work to provide for their children. Sometimes, parents take multiple jobs to afford the life they want for their family. Children are left alone most of the time, hence, having the extra time apart from school on friends and hobbies. These friends can either be productive or counterproductive along with the hobbies, such as being introduced to illicit drugs. Can parents monitor their children 24/7? Unlikely. They’re just too busy! It starts with trying a single tobacco and alcohol then escalates to weed then transitions to narcotics. The pattern is plain and simple to miss.

Secondly, broken homes. According to NIH, adult depression is significantly more common among those with separated parents in childhood (68.1%) than among those whose parents had not separated (53.4%). With divorce in place, separation is more “accessible” (for lack of a better term). I have watched the movie, “Catch Me If You Can”, which was roughly based on the true story of Frank Abagnale Jr. He has this interview about his notoriety, and he mentioned that having his parents separated had a huge effect on him. His parents' separation is something that he doesn’t want as his reality especially when both parents married another spouse. How many children coming from broken homes adjust to their parent’s new partners and some of them have other kids from previous marriages? Emotionally, it will leave children out in the middle while both parents go on to create another. It’s a tough place for children to be in. It’s highly traumatic.

Thirdly, Trauma. Especially when you have experienced abuse as a child or in the past. People have different views of trauma. A car accident, repeated sexual abuse or a verbal assault could lead to trauma. Survivors of abuse may feel like they cannot trust the people around them. With trauma, it is reliving the experience that makes it harder. One single thing could cause a trigger. People would usually find means to forget them thereby leaning to substance or alcohol exacerbating depression.

Lastly, lack of support. Most children feel unwanted or unloved when their parents do not have time to be with them. If missed PTA meetings, games, or bonding becomes a habit by parents or loved ones, children will seek validation and support through other means. At times, children who seek attention start delinquency to get the attention they need.

There are lots of other factors, for sure. But one thing common about these is the idea of hopelessness. As a child, the moral ground is what the adults model for you. If both stand posts are erring and are growing up themselves, what idea of mental stability do you expect them to follow? We all know that life happens and sometimes, things do not work out like we want to. I bet nobody would want a divorce if that were on the menu. However, bringing a child into this world is a commitment, and just because it did not work out with the partner does not mean you leave the child to fend for himself/herself. When you decide to bring someone into this world, it is from start to finish. There are no pauses or breaks in between.

Our childhood experiences are an important part of who we are and what we become as an adult. When we feel loved as a child, we grow up thinking that all children are loved just like the way we were. When a child experiences hopelessness and this continues to be a trend, we can safely assume, it will be dominant in his/her adult life. Ever wonder why celebrities fall into the hopelessness of drug or alcohol abuse even though they reached the highest of peaks? Because no matter how much we achieve for ourselves, we always go back to the basics.

At the start of everything.

Our mind is wired to measure how much we’ve grown from where we started.