tied up

Things to do: TOO MANY TO MENTION

Alright, I made a list on the things needed to be done. Boohoo! Not a single of it erased and labeled done. I think that I've got so little time, so little money for it. Some things are just put in priorities. And needless to say, these things are tied up and depend upon the upcoming trip.

What do I have but a single job, a single salary, a single source of money. I'm trying my best to cope financially. (I know this is off lol). Funny as it may sound, money is that needed. Practically, almost everything requires money.

But of course, I cannot argue that it guarantees happiness. Working in a bank, proves and objects that, depending on circumstances. My daily routine is to oversee everything that involves money. At times, they can just be plain papers, counting it is like counting cards (the one you play when you were younger).

Anyway, First on my list is my driving. Pop wouldn't allow me unless I enroll myself in a driving school. (Doesn't he know driving schools charge too much? It's as if I'm learning to pilot an airplane.) Boo!

Then of course, my overdue laptop repair. It costs much. I'm contemplating on buying a new one, perhaps a smaller one. (But I am afraid of my theory that I am indeed cursed on computers) Another big boo!

What to do? What to do? Be steady. I don't wanna rush. I need to set goals. And of course, I need to weigh which to do first. I cannot do everything at once, can I? Oh whatever!

For now, I'd just be waiting for the perfect time. Perhaps, when I get back! Weeeeee!

waking up in es-gee!

'Cause that's what you get for waking up in ES-GEE!

So how many days to go?

Less than 2 weeks? OHMY! This is gonna be it.

This is something insanely huge. Topping it for the "why list" is that... I am emptying my savings for it. In fact, I'd be indebted. How poor can I go? How low can I bargain? I don't actually know. Tentatively, it runs a little more than twenty grand excluding of the travel fare. But Geez, Who cares?

I'd be packing my bags, downloading songs on my ipod, gathering maps and saving all the more. I can't wait. Once again, I am running into a bigger scope. It's like climbing a mountain, the climb is tedious, amazingly tricky and sure needs a lot of energy. But once you get into the peak, see for yourself, it's worth every sweat!

And until such time I'd be tucking myself with a seat belt, turning off all my electronic devices, listening carefully to heart-known instructions and praying silently for safety, I'd just be crossing my fingers.

I can't wait to wake up with someone next to my face...errrr.. with the sunlight on my face. ( Typo! sorry!) haha

Anyway, until then! wake me up when October ends. Yeehaw! =))

Rush

And my sister blurted out, "magkaka boyfriend na yan, Ma". And I was like, "who?". She said, "You!"

Wow! Buti pa sya alam nya, ako hindi. Unexpectedly, my mother's face lit up. She giggled and went on to ask on who's the lucky guy. "Secret!", she heard me.

Sometimes, I am confused with my parents' reaction really. They seem to be so protective of me, telling me not to have a relationship yet, enjoy my being single and stuffs. Then one moment, they're out there, telling me I am twenty three and I need to explore relationships. They're excited.

Tell me, Saan nga ba ako lulugar? There's no one to blame but my mahaderang older sister. How imaginative of her to link me with this guy I barely knew. (alright, he's the one I am crushing with). My mother is asking me nonstop. I never knew she have known about someone... hah! I thought she was blind, ako pa ang nasorpresa. hayyy

Kung ako lang, okay na sana eh. Kaso nga, hindi pinipilit. My point is, let it flow naturally. The cycle of things. The PROPER series of events. I am not rushing. I am in a steady mode. Going solo is alright, I'm used to it!

Anyway, Rushing na ba ito? Wala naman sigurong expiration diba? Errr... (wala bga ba? how about at 33?) =)

private property

Disaster!

Geez! I never imagined it could be this uneasy. It's purely trivial and intimidating. Blankly, I hate it.

I hate how my mother is involved with facebook and my father as an accessory to the crime of spying on me. Mygosh! Surely, this is something new. All my comments, remarks, posts and even a simple like on a statement are familiar to them. Those friends who constantly comment on my shoutouts, they seem to investigate. Hello world. What the heck?!

This should not come as something really really irritating right? When your parents are innovative enough to cope with the changing times? When your parents are possibly protecting you from all the harm an unwanted stranger comments? Or when the parents are learning digitally? Duh.

The more I think about it the more I begin to want that my password be changed (because admittingly, my password is stored and my mother can easily open or should I say hack my account?). Or yes, probably block my mother from my friend's list? (Is it possible?? I hope!) Oh well, all I want is to regain my privacy.

I don't wanna regret the day I taught my mother to use the internet and forcibly make her hear my promotion for her own facebook account. I regret the day I introduced her to my medium. Big time.

Anyways, I should look at the bright side... I should. Yes, yes, I should. (I'm not convinced either). Haaaah! Whatever mother! This is a facebook disaster! :/

I crush you!

Getting all hyped up. I saw his picture and there goes my heart, poppin like a mad motorbike.

I wish, I wish... Well, this is unsolicited. I promised myself to keep mum about certain aspects in my life. They're calling me desperate, I find it really pathetic. I hate how I get affected with the things I hear, those things worth not to be heard as it strike deep emotions. I hate how people take control over my emotions. I don't need dictations. I am full of it.

Anyway, my sister is so excited. It started with my excitement, letting her know that I am crushing someone who's from somewhere, a friend of a friend. I gave her the link and told her to check him out... WHOA! As expected, she finds him really really cute ( like I do) and more.

I had the best laugh when she told me, she's gonna befriend him on facebook, tell him about my being crushing him. haha plus the blackmail! then the gut feeling and the daydreaming of mister cuteeey whom she wants to have "lihi" with! Crazy crazy sister! ( Are we really sisters? I'm not that crazy! hahaha)

I learned he's just like me. You know, we have the same blood running within us. We have the same song playing over and over again. We have the same rhythm, slow but active. Oh well, to say the least... I wish he'd get to notice me. (oh there I said it!)

My sister is up to so many things. Her mind is so advanced, I cannot cope. This is indeed 21st century. I cannot believe it, She's teaching me how to flirt! I am enrolled in her so called "Flirting 101". OMG! Things have changed really. Is it her way of revenge? Bullying me to get even? hahaha

But seriously, ahhhhh.. this is so embarassing. This is one of the craziest post ever! Hush Hush..don't tell :/

Ambitions

Sayang ka!

Wow, words I think I do not want to hear. Words I expect not to hear from people who knows me best especially when it pertains to currently made decisions. I think that it provokes regrets and disappointment. It provokes lowliness rather than rising up.

But sometimes, it provokes better thinking...

We were having lunch in our very own office pantry and our boss joined us. I was silent for awhile as I am worried about the upcoming school exam. I just sat there, staring at the wall point-blankly. Then I heard my boss said something. I did not mind because I thought she was talking to my other mate. I heard her mumble, "Pee!" so I looked at her and she told me...

"What is your ambition?"

I was surprised and said "So random, Why do you ask ma'am?" She told me that she was just curious. And I said, "Well, one thing's for sure, I never imagined myself in a bank. I was just devastatingly tempted to apply for it because my friends are here and the training is in Manila" She laughed and told me the words that truly got my attention...

"Sayang ka!, If I had a face, a built and a height like that, I would've applied for the right job" And I was like, "what do you mean ma'am?" She then told me, "Well, I can see that your personality is not much of a banker type, those typical attitude, yours is more of the people-person, adventurous, fun-loving, very light, I can see that in Facebook" and there I laughed so hard. The Facebook got her, Marami na kami!

The lunch went on with a lot of sharing. The super spacious pantry (as in knee to head lang ang distance) was filled with intriguing questions. I shared that I want to go somewhere, start something out, go here and there, they too agreed but really in the end, the words of my boss hit me.

See, if she can see that in me, then it must be true. My world belongs to a more creative and productive niche.

Anyway, my motto for now is "steady, steady lang". I know that God has bigger plans for me. If I really belong to the world of showbiz (carry mo?) I really belong to it no matter what. hahaha

Basta, someday there's nothing to prove because I know there's something in store for me. I think that I have a bigger purpose. I think that the goals I set fall short of that bigger purpose. (hmmnn, so go na sa convent? hehe)

Sayang ako, Sayang ako pag hindi magiging sayo! (yan ang attitude!) =)))

moving out

Realizations...

Everyday is a realization. One moment it hit me, the next it does again. Sometimes I begin to wonder, I think I'm thinking too much.

So here comes the fact that I am really interested to go abroad.

Perhaps, I could find a work there,live and settle. I don't know. I am really tempted to explore the world. It is within my reach. But what's stopping me is the thought of my parents. I mean, I could not just move out and transfer someplace else. My mom's health is unpredictable. Pop's with her. I feel that I am to stay beside them. I feel that I have the purpose to stick with them whatever happens.

The confusion is between my goals and sticking to home. I am young, If there's something young people do, it is to explore the world outside the box. Alright, I do have my share of those fair trips but what if I want to stay longer in such a place? I think I am compelled to just stay where I am right now.

The thought kills me because I want to be happy. It's not as if I am unhappy about things but I need to try it on my own. This may be a lame excuse and a fool's idea but I am not running away. What I want is to be independent. I want to know my limits and perhaps take full charge of my daily activities. This sounds rather absurd coming from a twenty three year old, but darn! that's what I want.

Anyway, I have made initial plans about it. I know it's never easy. But when will I try? When will i risk? When I am older? See, the clock is ticking. As much as I want to think that I am happy and contented with my career and the series of events in my life, I need to just dive. I need to try or I might end up with series of "what-ifs".

Sometimes I think that my mind is overused as it comes to realizations. Could it be possible to realize with your heart? Or boom, with the heart through the mind? Because If that's the case, both my mind and heart is overused. :/

Till we meet again

If it's meant to be, then it is meant to be...

The irony of it all is that, even sayings, quotes or whatever you call it, has its own counterpart. In this case, "It's you who make your own destiny."

Isn't it confusing? complicated? and extremely doubtful? Ah... the true meaning of life.

So now to the story proper...

A good friend finally decided to take off. She has finally decided to just let go and dive. I remembered the night she texted me and said, "Pee, I have told them" and surprised, I am not. I have been expecting it. In fact, I have expected it to happen early on.

We were two separate individuals bonded by the career we chose. We met years ago in college and haven't really known each other until the moment we sat in the airport waiting for our jet. That was almost three years ago. But perhaps it was destiny. I remembered applying for another bank before graduation. I had my interview days after. One day, I went there and talked to the personnel and while I was leaving, she came by the door, looked at me, never with a smile. The rest, I swear I told myself she was a snob.

Later, I found out, just like me, she was in the same company that I am in. We took the training hand-in-hand. Days grew and I got to know her. We have shared various memories. And most often than not, It makes me smile. The way she blurts out her remarks, the so-lady-like moves, the rapid facial expressions. I knew she was different. I was shocked we shared the same workplace. Day by day, it's her that I get to see and talk to. She have become a good good friend. I found my "kakampi" in her. And now, after two years... I am to be alone.

I wonder what would my career life be without her. I wonder if the branch is still the same without her. I wonder if I ever find someone who can be so weird as her. This is one of the times in my life why I always thought that attachments can become really burdensome. This is one of those that I wished I have really prepared for. I hate goodbyes.

It sounds really selfish, but I found comfort in the fact that I have her behind me and vice versa. We shared secrets and even talk about it secretly in the workplace. Our office mates would wonder what we are up to. Sometimes, mouthing words and whispering things we share in common. Those comforts you can only share with not just an office mate but a friend, in and out of the office.

Reminiscing the moments would be painful because as much as I would like things to be the same, there will always be movement. A chance for growth. An opportunity to widen the perspective. And that happens now.

Sometimes, I get to wonder, will I able find the courage to risk it all? To close my eyes and just dive? To make my mind go blank and just flow? To leave everything and begin from scratch? I wish I have the courage. I wish my mind doesn't do all the thinking. I wish my spirit will consent. I wish I would never hear anything from anyone saying "Sayang!"

Ah. Seriously, I think that the thought we had of leaving the career we chose would be materialized and the materialization would be a natural thing. But as I can see, it is really really difficult. I cannot imagine myself zero. I cannot imagine myself thinking and thinking all over again of my rough future. Someone would yell at me, "You lummox! What do you think will you be doing now that you are jobless?" Ah. I wouldn't dare. I am scared.

Oh well. Cowardice is a choice. Or perhaps if I wanted to make a mistake, I should have done it earlier. Or maybe, this is the best time for me to make a mistake and leave, go where the path leads me. What path? See... I am lost.

But there's no worst feeling of being lost than losing someone who had been a very special part of you. But as much as I feel really pathetic, I would like to share the joy of her being completely free. The liberation sure is excruciating. Ah... I can feel it but not as much as she would soon.

Anyway, as I said, should it be destiny, we will see each other again. Same persons, same bonding, different career path. Till we meet again, future FA! (or is it travel agents for free travels?) :D