bad ass

The ugly truth…

Becoming twenty five is creating a lot of stress or is it the hormones?

These past few weeks have been difficult. I felt like in a transit forever. Alam mo yung feeling na nagtatravel ka but most of the time you spent it on the plane? That awkward, blue and sad feeling na ayaw mong ientertain but then it is biting, nakakadisturb and sometimes it seems na mas mabuting mag isa.

I am dealing with this challenge as matured as possible. I talked with some of my friends and ewan ko ba kung bakit napunta kami sa usapang sentimental.

I said this before and I am saying it again, di madali ang malayo sa pamilya at sa mga tao, lugar at bagay na nakasanayan na. My friend told me, “you know what, sometimes, I just find myself locking the room and crying my heart out” and I was like, “why??” then she smiled coyly and nagkibit balikat. My other friend also shared, “sometimes the people in this house can hear my sobs while I go skyping with my mom”. The housemate told me “oo nga, di maulaw maghagulgol, dungog kayo namo diri from the sala”…

And then I realized, Am I normal? Like there were moments na I feel like crying for so many reasons and for so much loneliness but even before it happens, I find things to be busied to. I go shopping and malling perhaps to suppress what I really felt.

I don’t even know if it’s a good thing. I just don’t want to cry my heart out because I might make permanent decisions out from my temporary status. Ewan ko. Sa totoo lang, I am getting tired. This means no fun at all.

I always inject sa sarili ko na Happiness is a state of mind, and so as loneliness, sadness and even…love?! (the last one, I am not sure) Anyway, there’s no room for me to linger on sadness pero yun na nga…

At this point in time, I am confused. I feel like I am lost. I feel like nawala yung drive ko about certain things. And ultimately, parang wala na akong pinafollow na direction, parang yung reason ko lang is to get by each day, nothing to look forward to. Ang plain and it’s making me sad all the more.

I never meant it to happen that way. Minsan naiisip ko, maybe I am becoming far from God kaya ko nafi feel ang ganito. So now I am making it a point to meditate even in a crowd inside the MRT. Or else, as deep and unconvincing as it may sound, wala nang saysay ang buhay ko.

As I assess, there’s this missing piece. Parang empty, dull and super boring ng activities ko. There’s much more to life than this.

I really don’t know it it’s QUARTER life crisis or just a raging of HORMONES. But one thing is sure; I have never felt as bad as this before.

To God, please hug me tighter. To parents, please tell me I will be okay, I know I will be, but I need my support system too, you know. To friends, please bear with me. To myself, hold on and pray just a bit more. I am a survivor! ^^

bee day

Age is just a number…
… And so is the waist line! ^^

What to do on a birthday far away from home? Easy!!! But what if, you are solo on your birthday? (the heck!)

For the first time in my existence, I have gone solo for a day on a birthday! Here’s a fact, I never remembered going to office on my birthday. I always take some day off to celebrate and be stress-free on a special day. Hmnn.. most especially here, why?

Would you imagine yourself being yelled at? Would you imagine yourself being told of the errands, left and right? And would you imagine yourself feeling as clueless as you are sedated on your b…irthdaaaay? Thanks but NO THANKS!

So I took a day off. My initial plan really was to wake up at 10AM, laze around, do my week-long laundry, handwashing my underwears etc. (sounds so lousy for a birthday right?) So ang lola mo, changes her plan, I told myself, “dai, do that and it doesn’t make any difference over an ordinary day off!” so I hurdled myself to go somewhere new, or perhaps have fun kahit alone. (‘cause my friends are working their arses off)

I told myself, Kaya ko to! Last year, I conquered Cebu all by myself so this should not be an exemption, so I booked a ticket and kabooze to Indonesia! (No, scratch that. I did not) I booked a ticket for a cable car, and lucky enough it entitled me to visit a new place. It is called the highest point of Singapore, the Jewel Box at Mount Faber.

The sun was just like me, scorching hot. LOL but that did not stop me from going farther the place. I had to stop in the middle ‘because the feet are aching and just when I needed a bench, I saw a glorious place with the smooth breeze fanning gently against my face. One word: Serenity.

But it was short-lived there were other tourists coming over and they were annoyingly noisy. I took a few shots and headed to their Iconic restroom and it was… REST room. It looked like a paradise, the wall in the seemingly “receiving area” is glass and from there you can see part and parcel of Singapore plus, Airconditioned pa! I thought I could live there, didn’t feel like a toilet at all, may couch pa!

Anyway, we were supposed to party at Avalon later that night but iba na talaga ang nagkakaedad, I suggested that we go home as tomorrow is another busy work day. Boo! But then again, iba talaga mag birthday na hindi kasama ang pamilya, it was quite depressing and lonely and blue because I tend to compare my previous birthdays against the present.

And yes, when I opened my facebook page, got surprised, I received 100++ greetings! It will take me half day to like and answer back, I appreciate the effort really. Kahit simpleng Happy Birthday lang, I get sentimental because even though I am battling loneliness with indulging to new experiences, when I looked at people who are so familiar, it makes me feel like I am home.

It feels good to know na may nag eeffort din magsend ng SMS from Pinas and even someone asked me what I like as a present, asked my address and told me he’ll ship my gift all the way from the Philippines. Touched naman ako.

Basta, THANK YOU. ONE MESSAGE is kindness magnified, MEANS A LOT TO OVERSEAS PEOPLE like ME! =)

Captain

Dear God,

Thank you for giving me this chance to live. Thank you for allowing me to reach my quarter life, with all my hopes and dreams. I can’t thank you enough for all the blessings that I received and been receiving everyday. It’s as though I am provided well with everything that I need.

As I come as twenty five, I would like to ask for forgiveness. All the wrong doings and incurring (even recurring) mistakes that I do, I ask for your understanding. Lord, I know sometimes my selfishness can make me think badly of others, my laziness can burden someone else’s life and my being introvert make others think badly of me, thus making them sinful by my provocative gestures.

If I can ask for more, I would highly ask of you to always protect me and my family and friends. I ask of you to grant us good health today and in the coming days. Lord, I won’t ask for fortune, to me, money isn’t everything, but please let me be the instrument to make someone else’s dreams come true. Please let me think twice, thrice or a quad zillion times whenever I think about giving up, ‘cause by then, how can I send someone to school?

I may not be the best of a daughter or a sister or an aunt or even a friend, but I know that you know how my life revolves around them. Please grant them endurance too, to face the challenges they are up against. Father, guide us to the right path, that our decisions may be as solid as rock because we know that it is for your glory.

Lord, I know that you know how I am trying to be the better person I will ever be so when the time comes that you want me to be part of someone’s life, I am very much ready. Please help me to wait longer, that someone who’s worth having is worth waiting. Please fill me with love that when that somebody comes, my love would flow as swiftly as that of the rivers. Please let me enjoy the moment I am in today as there will be no repeat for this one.

Finally, when I feel lost, confused and troubled, Lord God, gratify my hunger for fulfilment. Help me realize that like good times, the harshest of storms too shall pass.

Please be the captain of my ship. I am just your crew. I will follow you, my wonderful God.

Love,

she boo

Shalalalala…sheboo sheboo..

Oh well, in times like this, I know I miss a hell lot of things. I will miss bonding with my folks. Why, they’re all going to Cebu feat. Chino.

Cebu is a place I thought I could live in next to Davao. With a job, earning more than enough for my needs, I can nail it. Its strategic location is perfect in the sense that It’s just like half of Davao and half of Manila, laid back and modern at the same time, plus just an hour or two plane ride away from Davao.

Know what, in the past I thought if I couldn’t bag a job here in Singapore, I’d still pursue my adventure in Manila or Cebu… But After bagging a job here, living a life different from what I was used to… If I come home, I don’t think I’d still be going for Manila or even Cebu. I’d still choose my peace and quiet (tama ba?) Davao.

Manila and Cebu are only good for vacations, at least for me, you know, burnt out, stressed from work; you book a ticket online and boom! What a getaway!

Anyway, as I said, the family is going there tonight, I am missing in action! Geez! This is one of those times, I wish I was home. But then again, I can only wish. For now, enjoy you guys!

P.S. Parents, you deserve a break. Travel while you can. :-)))

Missing you all,

dark chocolate

WARNING!

Don’t read if you don’t want to be burdened by my misery.
(This should not be a post to sponge off all the bitterness.) But I am posting anyway.

But before I turn to my silver year I would like to share my list of 5 things I am bitter about.


1) CAREER. Although I am thankful for the chance of being able to work with good bosses, I am not satisfied with what I learn. It bores me. It feels as though I am stagnating myself to a place where growth is very slow and professional milestone is low. But then, it isn’t just the opportunities, I am mostly to blame. I am slow to coping changes.

2) RICH PEOPLE. How can they accumulate so much while others don’t? Admitting, I am afraid to be associated w/ rich people, romantically speaking, I feel that the relationship will go down the drain as he is more powerful than I am; I have no strength to fight against anyone richer than me. I always feel inferior with them around. Why? I don’t know.

3) JUSTICE. Life is never fair. I’ve known so many good people; they are those who are sacrificed, murdered, victimized. I have known illegal gamblers, corrupt public officials, and the likes they live life as though they’re not barked by conscience.

4) MINDSET. I hate how I over think things. I hate that I get jealous with people and their achievements (yes, sometimes). Although I know that I am blessed with so much, more than I asked, still there’s this tiny evil voice telling me I am not enough. I hate my insecurities and I hate how I worry life. I hate how I think about my parents’ retirement, because I want to give them the best of what they deserved but then, I am afraid I won’t be able to push through my grand plans because financially speaking, I can not provide for everything. I am bitter that I might fail.

5) LOVES. It came to a point, yes na lang ang kulang. I was all over him, I thought it was mutual, but then expectations lead you to be disappointed big time. And whenever I have a guy I am ok to be with or I can think of being associated to, feeling as if, we’re getting to a point of commitment, this fate thing comes up, messes with everything and needless to say, I am doomed. Almost always. Ends up single, for the sole reason: I don’t want to compromise my “standards”. Boo!

And yes,

5.1) TUMMY. I am doing everything within my power to make it flat, it never happened. I get tired and frustrated, I hate that mine’s bloating a lot bigger. LOL

SO before I turn twenty five (ambilis naman), I would like to be free from these burdens. I would like to think that life is a one way ticket, the highs and lows fairly go along with time. One minute, you’re in the peak, almost in the gate of the heavens, another second, drowned with sadness.

Life is always a choice. I am choosing positivity; I am choosing to think about my blessings rather than my mishaps. I am choosing to look at my face than my tummy!

I am sweet (as far as I know), I just can’t be clouded with bitterness. At 25, I am a bitter no more!

flashback

Nobody cares about any body.

(In a good way)

There have been a lot of changes. Looking back, all I can see is growth, I won’t mind deterioration (if there is). From that awkward teeny weeny boppers to confident, purposeful members of the society…

I lurked around facebook last night and was able to view profiles of different school mates, from those who sat down silently, naïve and passive students, now confident, aggressive and loud mid-adults. From the nonchalant, disturbing and almost detrimental people I knew back in the days to now formal, corporate people. From the hyped, energetic and brainy girls and guys to now more hyped and sophisticated ladies and gentlemen. Wow!

This facebook thing helps us see the development in people. Like this one fellow I knew back in HS, he was the usual timid, shy and “corner seat” guy. Oftentimes, I see him holding his hanky to his mouth, smiling whenever someone teases him. He’s this mate you’d probably gang up with his fellow silent-types. Guess what? Just right after college (or before graduation, not sure), he got a baby. He’s now sporting a long hairstyle with flipping ends, riding a motorcycle and vocal (errr..typer) enough for me to know his whereabouts, his marriage, his business, his hobbies (why, he’s online almost 24/7)

Shocking at some point right? Then there’s this somebody I knew who’s loud, bothersome, almost always teamed with the big bullies. (I can say he’s really shy deep inside. I think he was grouped up with his peers because deep inside, he felt he was secured from outside bullies) He’s now a confident, secure young man, with a wife-to-be.



Of course, there were those who found the loves of their lives abroad, there were those who have kid/s now, those who have built their own houses, got their own dreams. Some chasing after theirs, some idle, some slowly coming out of their shells, some happily engaged to their businesses, some consistent with their preoccupations.

And as you look back, they were almost necessarily the ones whom you find no interest in (sorry, this may sound harsh), they were those who were never sure about where they will be after HS, also, they were the ones who live up to their stature, those who felt secured and confident about their future.

I find it amazing. This life is surely not guaranteed to anyone. This life is an ultimate roller coaster.

And as for me, I learned that in order to continue with this voyage, one should not care about what other people might think. I remain to be one of those who still are in the process, in transit of where I’ll be. I am one of those who are just so ready to plunge in to life, almost there but… not yet. In time! :D