older

Getting old!

I wonder why there are terrible moments that I wake up and feel obnoxiously down. That feeling that never goes away no matter how hard I shake myself up. It’s creeping right through me and eating me alive.

I feel a certain sense of melancholy. I used to love melancholic strolls in the mall to think and reflect about major details of my future decisions. I used to enjoy being alone and getting my thoughts straight so when I come home, I know I’ve already made a concrete decision. But lately, melancholy doesn’t appeal me anymore. I feel bored and sad. I feel empty and down.

Hormones, they say, can make a sweet, angelic woman to a tiger in distress. But seriously, I do get distressed every time. I feel as though I am wasting a time of my life wherein I could be with any body. I feel as though I will regret not giving in to some new things that I fear I would not conquer. Ever.

There are episodes when I feel lying the whole day. But In the end, I’d die of boredom. When you’re single (and not seeing anyone), it just makes you feel sick. There’s this bond that I am craving to gratify. You know, normal ladies my age, would go date as if there’s no tomorrow. Most ladies my age would really party till dawn and work early the day after. I am not one of them. I’d love to but my body cannot endure too much stress and fatigue, my heart cannot take it too.

I am vintage. I am an old soul. I am renaissance. Seriously, sometimes I get tired of being me. I don’t know. I just feel as though I am too engrossed to following what I think is right even if it means standing up alone. I am too consumed by my own wonders that I do forget there are far more interesting people out there, waiting to be noticed, met or have drinks with. I just go with the same people, be friends with the same old ones, not bothering to add up a few, eat the same shit and go to the same freaking place. Same old same old. It makes me feel as though I am a hamster busying herself to the same circle EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

My path… I am afraid I am going towards the righteous-cum-boring-cum-old-maid-with-own-world path. I hate it. There’s gotta more to life that this, something that makes me feel double or triple excited. Something that makes me giggle as if I am still sixteen and perhaps something that makes my heart melt. Right now, I just felt nil. Strange. Floating. Ugh.

But what to do? Ahhhh… getting old is okay… but growing old ALONE, is never on my menu. Haist!