too much thoughts will kill me
Responsibilities.
Big word. It’s quite scary.
Yeah I know we all go through that, at some point
in our lives, we do need to assume roles because it is what growing up is all
about. But sometimes, these thoughts about roles do scare me. Big time.
My sister’s father-in-law just had an Angioplasty
operation done. It is a medical procedure referring to the unblocking of the
veins of the heart (not quite sure medically). That certain operation is
offered only in Manila and thus, my
brother-in-law flew into Manila
So then, I asked my sister “how much does it cost
for this operation?” My sister replied, “perhaps 800K to a million plus”. My
goodness! Certainly, health is everyone’s wealth. I just can’t imagine…
My stubborn mind has gone to the Alps
and back. Again. I hate to think about it and have stopped myself from doing so
but… I don’t think I could afford an operation like that. Mentally computing,
my brother-in-law has got three more siblings so the cost might have chipped
them off more or less 300k each. God forbid, my sister and I… we’re only 2! Surely,
we cannot afford 600k each.
Because of my stupid thoughts, I lay in bed
motionless, staring at the ceiling and then and there, I felt depressed. I felt
as if, there’s no way to survive. You know, most often that not, your strengths
are pretty much your weaknesses. I just can’t imagine.
These thoughts rob out the best of me. Seriously, I
am not afraid for myself; I can die a sudden death and would be much more
pleased than slowly dying in the hospital with the hair falling off. But who
can choose their illnesses? Or cause of death for that matter? One thing that
scares me off the edge is the thought about my parents. My separation anxiety
comes back each time I think of them.
To calm my senses, I always do a lot of reflection.
My realization is this: we are all helpless. We are all just living a borrowed
life, and when our creator wants it back, who are we not to succumb? I am
praying though that even if future seems blurry and seemingly scary, we’ll come
out of it proud to have lived our life the way God wants us to be.
I get this vibe that I am creating my own misery. This
is a part of me that I wanted to get away from. I am getting crazy. Ugh.
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