really

So here I am sitting at the office, wondering why the sudden rush of emotions came over me.

Last night was wine night and some major chika with friends; I woke up late for work today. Boo!

Conversations with friends in the wee hours of the morning with a familiar tingling of wine in one’s throat just provoke a deeper sense of reason. That moment when you talk low in a dark night and just let the rush of emotions come by is something wonderful. RAW.

If there’s one thing that I intentionally changed about being me is that fact that I now synthesize what I say. Sometimes a reaction is just a reaction for the sake of reacting because you had to edit out very strong feelings involved in it. Just to join the bunch.

There are certainly moments that I feel as though I am not being true to myself, by keeping my thoughts rather than saying it. I do have different ideas than the rest, and if I could just react to something the way I wanted it, it would be as true as I am. Sadly, there are certain instances that require silence. There are countless of times that I dare not speak so I won’t hurt someone or even yet, be misconstrued by people who don’t have the keen listening skills.

Which brings me to an idea… in a relationship, where the couples do try their best to do good and bring in efforts to remain as clean as they are in most eyes, Are they really true to themselves?

I have encountered a good friend’s facebook status with the words “I am tired of always being good, it takes my happiness away” (of something of that sort) I came to a point of realization… Are we really being true to ourselves?

Take for example; I am surrounded by good-natured people who bring out the best among their friends. I know I am a good girl too but there are some instances when I feel pressured to do exactly just that. Like, I cannot commit a mistake? I cannot make wrong decisions? I am stupid for acting on impulse? I do not know if you get what I mean but really… it’s just, I don’t know… boring?

More so, I have episodes whereby most of my remarks on a certain subject differ from their opinion. It makes me feel like a villain. But how can you be condemned from blurting what you really think is? How can you be tagged as evil when really, you were just being true?

Sometimes, being with the good ones feels like being suppressed because you have to live up to expectations to an extent. I am not purely evil, but I am not too good to be true. There are a number of glitches encumbered upon my soul. I just don’t want to feel too pressured by hitting the mark even though there are times that I feel like going out of the line.

I am not a prude or ultra-mega righteous. I just want to live life the way I want it to. Rules are rules but it is fun to break them sometimes and it’s challenging to chase them one after another.

I don’t know if you get me anyway, but this is about it. I am keeping it real. Blame it to the wine?

XOXO,