spies

Paunawa: Ang susunod na lathala ay hango sa Showbiz :)

I recently saw the wedding pictures of Rachelle Ann Go and her new hubby, Mr. Spies.

A few years ago, I was empathizing with Rachelle, as a single lady who was often asked about her love life. (She broke up with John Prats during that time). She then went on to follow her dreams and put a mark on theatre for Filipinos for the second time as Miss Saigon- West end’s,  Gigi.

I silently followed her career  from then on. I am not a big fan but I am neither a hater. I just liked the thought of her going overseas to follow her dreams, that to me, is a cool thing to do.

I admire her when I saw how involved she was with her Church. I learned she’s a Christian.

She offered her voice as a choir member, singing God’s praises in London. She’s often captured passionately attending church.

I thought, As she was conquering her dreams, she remained faithful.

And it’s a great thing cause we all know there’s a huge deal of temptations once you are in abroad, how much more, the temptations with her given exposure in Europe.

Then one day, I saw a post of her and a new guy. Fast forward to 2018, That guy happened to be her now-hubby Mr. Spies.

As I look at their wedding photos, I can’t help but feel humbled that, someday, someone will really come into your life no matter how busy you may get. I feel great in knowing that, she did not need to give up anything that she wants to do and followed her dreams and found love too, in the end. I think that when God really wants you to be with someone, He will give you what you truly deserve.

A few years ago, I gave up with the idea of an everlasting love. The thing which made me believe it was shattered before my eyes and I just felt disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in love. I believe that it exists but I don’t believe in the commitment that a person offers it with.

I believe in the reality that people’s minds are so dynamic, and that it changes with time.

Those who promised to commit forever, are ironically those who cut it off just because they fell out of love. In love, there’s always one who gives more and hurts more in the end.

As I look at their photos, I just really want to believe that everlasting love exists.

And maybe, the person that I am to be with is someone that God really wants me to have.

I want to believe that the person who will be trying to convince me with his commitment is the same person who God sent me to change my heart and my ideals about what love truly is.

It made me think about working out on my trust and faith in God more. Not because I am asking for Him to send me someone but for me to be content in knowing that I am not alone.

Looking at happy couples, made me think about His perfect timing.

It made me solidify that my thoughts on pursuing my dreams are not hindrances to find love. Because what I’m certain is that, when it comes, It comes. --- Oh and that's not Showbiz!

they won't win

“Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over”

Crowded house’s song, “Don’t dream it’s over “came into mind when I came across a post in Facebook whereby a guy confessed about his regret on not being able to listen to what his friend wants to say for the last time. The friend committed suicide the day after their hike due to depression. He mentioned, if anyone has the gift or words, please use it to save someone’s life.

It’s TRUE.

Sometimes, words can be very powerful. It either breaks you or lifts you.

I remembered an instance wherein I was on my lowest and I felt so hopeless.

It was here in Singapore. About 3-4 years ago.

I had so many problems working around how I’m going to move on from where I was. I was deeply worried about so many things in my life that it affected me because it makes everything I do fade. I reached a point that I just wanted out. I had no zest to go on. I knew then that I was in a sh*thole and it’s swallowing me alive.

I tried talking to friends, but every time I attempt sharing part of my problems, I would back out ‘cause I’d feel uncomfortable. I reckon, we all have problems and my problems will just worsen theirs. I even solicited the help of a therapist but it did not push through. I just kept quiet. The days began to grow longer because I can’t seem to fall asleep.

I knew I was down to nowhere. My thoughts have become livid, hopeless even.

You see, I appear to be happy and secured but deep inside, I was wallowing with insecurities, worries and anxiety. I was lonely and the more I think about it, the more upset I become.

I even questioned why we are born if we are to suffer. It just isn’t right.

I’d spend so many waking hours thinking and THINKING MADE IT WORSE.

I saw an opportunity to share what I thought to a friend. It was accidental as we were talking about our Singapore life. Honestly, I was not too keen talking about my problems with her, (or any friend for that matter) because I knew she would just tell me to attend prayer meetings. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against all these meetings but suggesting it to friends who are going through tough times isn’t really that helpful. (Why? Because it kind of questions their faith and their practices. IMO.) However, when I opened up to this friend… I was surprised she didn’t say anything. She listened and listened until I told her that she can tell me what she thinks about it.

She told me, “I don’t really see a reason why you are being hard on yourself. You are more than what you think you are”. She then went on to tell me quite honestly how surprised she was, she said, “As a third person, as a spectator, I admire you so much.”

Those words strengthened me. A new perspective has been put in sight, her telling me how blessed I am to be what I am? It’s uplifting. She reminded me that God is bigger than all the problems combined. I just need to remember that.

Then I thought to myself, Hey, if this person would see me as this special, then I might have really just underestimated myself. I thought that maybe, the very person pulling me down is myself because I have not seen my own worth. My value as a person is not dictated by my failures or the mistakes that I’m going to commit in the future, but my will to carry on. I was not changed overnight but it did tickle me to examine my faith both to God and myself.

“Hey now, hey now,

When the world comes in

They come, they come

To build a wall between us”

… it indeed comes in and dumps you to the ground at once, it’s then a matter whether you pick yourself up, dust your butt off and move on or give up.

But these days, whenever I feel down, I just think about the better days. Life has its own season. I need to let go of my expectations and just accept that when the time is right, the spotlight will be on me.

When I think of friends going through difficult times, I don’t ask why. I knew first-hand that it is not a good question, I just keep quiet and offer a prayer with them. I want to be a source of comfort, no judgments, just listening ears and compassionate heart to understand. Friends should cheer each other on, no matter what.

As for myself, I am thankful that I have allowed myself to open up and I am more thankful that I was heard. Looking back, it happened because it taught me a lesson….

“We know they won't win.”

reasonable

Simplifying my life by quitting unnecessary habits that pull down my art of saving.

But really, what is there to quit?

I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I eat in minimum.

Do I even shop?

I’m evaluating where I could possibly save a few bucks more.

And it says, quit traveling.

Sigh.

The thing is, it’s my simple joy.

It energizes me as if it is a reset button. It’s a booster. It’s the thing that I look forward to, esp in my most difficult position.

If I quit it, I don’t think I’ll be happy.

Others who don’t know me think of me as “high maintenance” and really, I laugh at this term.

My choices are fairly well. I’d love luxury if I can afford it, maybe once in a while? But if not, then as long as it is “presentable”.

My mom was a wise spender. When I was a kid, she’d never buy very cheap items that only last half a year and you need to throw it out. She’d buy one quality product with rather “reasonable” price and it would last longer than those cheap ones. I seem to get that idea. My choices are not that cheap but reasonable.

In travels, I choose reasonable accommodations which give me peace of mind and safety. Being too thrifty in travels has its risks and I just don’t want to risk my life or my health for it. It’s just not worth it.

Nowadays, I’m thinking of modest ways on how to really save up without compromising what I love.

I believe that these little things in life are necessary. You may spend up a few hundred on it, but the joy and the experience are priceless.

My art of saving is not about accumulating so much more in this world, it’s about a preparation for rainy days. I am the type who does not want to burden anyone, or asks someone help…

My type of person is that who is independent and self-reliant. Simplifying my life now means providing for myself in the future.

It’s a long way to go! Aja!

Adios Merlion

As the end is approaching to a complete stop…

(sorry, I don’t intend to brew some drama here… nope! haha)

I couldn’t help but observe everything around me.

The people rushing to board the train, the group of students chatting lively as they’re waiting for the bus, the cars lined up to make a left turn as green light shines.

How organized! How decluttered!

I can’t help but feel amazed by how it has been for me for almost seven years.

I have been a stranger to this place as a foreigner who first came here to try something out for herself.

I have been a newbie, learning the ropes and how to jump against it.

I have been a student of life in the overseas where literally, experience is my best teacher.

In here, I have been depressed. I have battled against my demons countless of times because I have felt so lonely and homesick. I was so unsure how to handle my life in a way that it meets my expectations.

I was pushed to my limits of giving up because work challenges are mountain high with heavy rain and thunderstorms. It was too much to bear. But I survived.

In here, for the first time, I have felt so insecure. Having no other friends and thinking whether people liked me or do I need to put more effort for them to like me. I remembered, in my workplace full of locals, I was distant. I didn’t trust anyone and always kept a poker face. I remembered praying to God to send me someone who becomes a friend, so whenever I come to office, I’d feel inspired to talk to someone, joke with someone and perhaps, hang out with someone outside work. After two years, he did.

And I couldn’t feel more blessed because of it.

In here, I have learned that I can only take so much. I thought I’m patient enough to withstand annoyingly disturbing things and people, but my patience ran out too. I have learned to fight and argue because without doing so, some people will think they are above you and abuse you. It’s not right to keep quiet especially when it’s at your own expense.

In here, I have learned that I am dispensable. My house, my job, my status here in this country is fickle.

Everything is temporary. And because it is temporary, I have learned to make most out from it. I have learned to enjoy the simple things like a new fresh sheets with downy or a freshly washed undies. I hand washed it, it’s a result of effort, you see! Haha

As I look around, I was grateful that this country became a part of me because I now have a first-hand experience on things I wouldn’t have even experienced, had I stayed in DVO. I am proud to say that I have lived my life the way I want to, because as my mom said, “you can live your life when you graduate” and I did. For sure.

as I look back, SINGAPORE has been a very big factor for me to know who I am. It made me discover so much about myself and made me yearn to be the best version of who I was.

I will forever be grateful for my experience.

Adios, Singapore!

desperate me

“Why I am the best person for the job?”

“It’s because no other person is much more desperate than I am.”

Technically, yes. I am desperate to switch companies as I’ve been with the same company ever since I started working here in Singapore. While I am grateful for the opportunity, I’m also in the look out to allow myself to grow career-wise.

I prayed whether it’s for me to seek another job or to just go home and start my own biz.

The answer seems to be very vague and intriguing.

Where do I go from here?

Believe me when I say that I have been in the same road for as many times as I can remember and I always choose the same choice, to stay. It is safe to stay. It stops you from thinking about the unknown.

It allows you to go on with your planned travels for the year, that and so much more.

I remembered my last year’s promise… 2018 would be a game changer. It is a year for growth and adventure. A year to be fearless in my pursuit to success. I want to keep that promise. I don’t want to go on without even exploring what I am more capable of just because I felt safe. I want to go out there and try as many things as possible, because time will never come back and wait for me.

My sister proposed for a family business, I’m glad she did and I’d be willing to help out. But my type of person is that of someone who builds her own. I was never the type to depend on connections. I’d love to believe that I like doing anything on my own like a sculptor creating her masterpiece out from the nothingness of the mud and her bare hands. Isn’t it cool? Yeah, I am idealistic that way. haha

I’d be honest though, I am very much worried about my future. Having to start all over again is scary especially now that I’m on my 30s but then again, starting all over again, no matter what age, is always frightening. The good thing though is that I am single. I am unattached and whatever my decision is, for my future, no children’s milk or diapers, kids’ tuition or household’s bills can be affected. I am living solo and my struggles and success is shared only when I want to.

I believe that opportunities come when you seek them out, actively. We’ll never really know how things are when we don’t experience them, right? I am desperate. Desperate for growth and excited for my tomorrows.

Aja!!

wonder labli

I never knew losing weight would be this difficult!

Gone are those days in my childhood when I don’t gain weight at all and my parents would bring me to a doctor to have me checked.

Gone are those days in my teenage years when I can eat without thinking about the consequence.

Gone are those days in my early 20s when I can confidently say, weight does not bother me at all.

I now find myself in a dilemma of a 30-something whereby gaining weight is a main problem.

Why did I become fat?

Few factors have attributed to it. One being metabolism and others, well… out of habit. Not to mention the amount of steroid I consumed when I had a horrible breakout.

I am trying hard to cut down my food intake but stress gets in the way and I seem to relieve it by eating. My habits are unhealthy and this has to stop.

But you know Gal Gadot, she bulked up and practically eat anything before toning it down to achieve her wonderwoman body. With that in mind, I’m thinking… I’m now in my process of bulking up.

Later, my toning of my proportions will begin! Teehee!

Anyway, I know that if I set my mind into it, it will always be possible.

Until then, wonder labli! :P

boy forgotten

It was in a beach, with rays of light piercing her eyes through her sunglasses.

They were to part their ways as graduation was fast approaching. They both have different college courses and would be in different colleges. They would soon be so busy with their new lives that this beach trip was some memory she would  later cherish. (or forget).

She sat in a pavement directly across the cottage where he’s at.

She was staring at him and he knew she was. He feigned nonchalance.

She sighed. Perhaps she needed to accept that what she meant to him was just a friend. Nothing more.

And maybe, her feelings were nothing but a joke once she decides to confess.

Against the vastness of the ocean, she promised herself not to look at him like that again.

And never to speak anything to him at all.

-          Excerpt from the Boy forgotten