they won't win

“Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over”

Crowded house’s song, “Don’t dream it’s over “came into mind when I came across a post in Facebook whereby a guy confessed about his regret on not being able to listen to what his friend wants to say for the last time. The friend committed suicide the day after their hike due to depression. He mentioned, if anyone has the gift or words, please use it to save someone’s life.

It’s TRUE.

Sometimes, words can be very powerful. It either breaks you or lifts you.

I remembered an instance wherein I was on my lowest and I felt so hopeless.

It was here in Singapore. About 3-4 years ago.

I had so many problems working around how I’m going to move on from where I was. I was deeply worried about so many things in my life that it affected me because it makes everything I do fade. I reached a point that I just wanted out. I had no zest to go on. I knew then that I was in a sh*thole and it’s swallowing me alive.

I tried talking to friends, but every time I attempt sharing part of my problems, I would back out ‘cause I’d feel uncomfortable. I reckon, we all have problems and my problems will just worsen theirs. I even solicited the help of a therapist but it did not push through. I just kept quiet. The days began to grow longer because I can’t seem to fall asleep.

I knew I was down to nowhere. My thoughts have become livid, hopeless even.

You see, I appear to be happy and secured but deep inside, I was wallowing with insecurities, worries and anxiety. I was lonely and the more I think about it, the more upset I become.

I even questioned why we are born if we are to suffer. It just isn’t right.

I’d spend so many waking hours thinking and THINKING MADE IT WORSE.

I saw an opportunity to share what I thought to a friend. It was accidental as we were talking about our Singapore life. Honestly, I was not too keen talking about my problems with her, (or any friend for that matter) because I knew she would just tell me to attend prayer meetings. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against all these meetings but suggesting it to friends who are going through tough times isn’t really that helpful. (Why? Because it kind of questions their faith and their practices. IMO.) However, when I opened up to this friend… I was surprised she didn’t say anything. She listened and listened until I told her that she can tell me what she thinks about it.

She told me, “I don’t really see a reason why you are being hard on yourself. You are more than what you think you are”. She then went on to tell me quite honestly how surprised she was, she said, “As a third person, as a spectator, I admire you so much.”

Those words strengthened me. A new perspective has been put in sight, her telling me how blessed I am to be what I am? It’s uplifting. She reminded me that God is bigger than all the problems combined. I just need to remember that.

Then I thought to myself, Hey, if this person would see me as this special, then I might have really just underestimated myself. I thought that maybe, the very person pulling me down is myself because I have not seen my own worth. My value as a person is not dictated by my failures or the mistakes that I’m going to commit in the future, but my will to carry on. I was not changed overnight but it did tickle me to examine my faith both to God and myself.

“Hey now, hey now,

When the world comes in

They come, they come

To build a wall between us”

… it indeed comes in and dumps you to the ground at once, it’s then a matter whether you pick yourself up, dust your butt off and move on or give up.

But these days, whenever I feel down, I just think about the better days. Life has its own season. I need to let go of my expectations and just accept that when the time is right, the spotlight will be on me.

When I think of friends going through difficult times, I don’t ask why. I knew first-hand that it is not a good question, I just keep quiet and offer a prayer with them. I want to be a source of comfort, no judgments, just listening ears and compassionate heart to understand. Friends should cheer each other on, no matter what.

As for myself, I am thankful that I have allowed myself to open up and I am more thankful that I was heard. Looking back, it happened because it taught me a lesson….

“We know they won't win.”