intermission

Bummer!

I seem to sleep really late nowadays and I never really expected that my “bum” days will be like this.

I cannot pinpoint what is certainly wrong with me. Could it be the jetlag? Could it be the hormones? Or could it simply be just the sugar that I consumed before going to sleep or through the day?

I’m writing this to document my thoughts as my mind is too active during this time of the day, 1:18AM and and so on.

For one, I am in this time of my life where I certainly welcome the ambiguity but I keep going backward and feel anxious.

Where am I going? What do I want to do?

These have been thoughts that I deluded myself from thinking because I don’t want to feel confused. But alas, I want to man up and just face these basic questions because in these, lie how I want to proceed with my life.

Truthfully, it scares the hell lot of me. I’ve never been so unsure except that this has been the second time.

I’d like to think that this is an intermission of my life. That stanza before the chorus.

And perhaps, to be able to appreciate it well, I need not feel anxious because it will settle by itself.

Gone are those days where I just go with what others say. Gone are those days where I go where the others are heading. Gone are those days where I am just “one of them” because there is beauty in knowing that I am doing what I want to do and honestly speaking using the voice that I am given. With all that comes the attempt of going a step forward.

I want to keep calm and cool despite everything because I chose this.

I want to keep walking without looking back because I know I am headed for a CERTAIN destination.

I want to be free from the shackles of worries because let’s face it, everyone is just unsure, they’re just pretending to be COOL.

I want to be comfortable with the idea that I am privileged to be given this chance, to know where I stand and choose which way I’m going because I have the means to do so.

I’d like to stand still and follow my heart because life is short and everything is momentary.

miss her

Isn’t it weird to miss someone’s past?

Like a friend whose past self was so much better than what she is today.

Or a politician whose pre-politician days was much more laced with integrity than what he is today.

I miss a friend’s past self.

She was this happy, energetic friend who loves to have fun and loves life in general. She was bubbly, unaltered and innocent and few years passed by so quickly, she just morphed into someone calculated, secretive and mysterious.

While I was with her the whole time, I really don’t know what happened to her in between.

Although she was never bitter with life and her circumstances, she just became someone who closed off her personal stuff.

She seems to have this world of hers that she’s so into it, and you see her so busy till late at night but you really don’t know the details. is she dating? lol

I was put off guard, as open as I am with my affairs, she’s the opposite. At first, I wanted to know what it was but I realized that I have to be cool about it. Respect is key. And I respect that. I respect that there’s a part of ourselves that we don’t want people to know, no matter how close they were to us.

I can’t help but think though that, I just miss the old her. The one who’s candid enough to let go of the pretenses and that child-like vibe which is now lost in the process of maturing.

I personally think that she just morphed into someone who’s rather… unfamiliar. Close friends share deepest secrets and we’re cool about it. Our past wounds, scars and weaknesses are protected by that thing called friendship. When we’re close friends, we don’t rub each other’s wounds with salt rather, we treat it with understanding and compassion. That’s what true friends do. But I feel the distance now.

Honestly, I feel that there is nothing wrong with our friendship in general, it’s just that, she has these pretenses within herself, her own circle. I feel like she’s building a wall to distance herself. I don’t even know why. I wonder if she’s dating for real, got family issues or simply she just doesn’t trust me enough to let me know. Am I overanalyzing?

I also think that perhaps, I changed too. I changed from being the carefree me to someone who’s far more attached. I changed from that cool friend to someone who’s like family-concerned about my friend’s affairs. I don’t know if it’s a good thing but I think I became invested in people and they don’t want it. lol

I am contemplating whether we grew accustomed to being together that we forget to value each other’s presence. When you get comfortable, you get complacent to things and people, knowing that they will always be there. But time is a limited resource and good things come to an end.

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But either way, people change and as much as we would like to maintain whatever it is that we find brilliant in someone, the world doesn’t work that way. Sometimes, our process is too complicated that we become swallowed by it.

anxiety attack

So I tried sleeping for an hour now, to no avail.

I lie awake at 1240am when I should’ve slept an hour ago.

Must be my period, on the onset of a period, I always find myself feeling all the effects of having an anxiety and needless to say, it’s being sleepless.

As I look back and evaluate the things in my life, I couldn’t find fault on what I should be anxious about. I mean, I am at a pretty modest state of my life now, in fact, I am staying chill. I don’t think I have the reason to be stressed or depressed or anxious.

The thing though is that, maybe, the people around me affect me directly. When I am with someone who seems to be so busy with life, I can’t help but think about how slow my time goes in comparison with that someone. It brings me to a major halt, am I really a bit lax about my progress in life?

The funny thing is that, I know I am overreacting. I have been looking forward to this break and when I have it, I feel like I am very lax about life? It does not sum up, simply because I often forget about the purpose of this break.

I realized that the reason why I am feeling anxious is because I compare myself. The cool part about being myself is being comfortable with myself but nowadays, I seem to lose that part. I wonder, how would I relearn that? How would I regain what was lost?

Also, I am very attached to so many things inn life that I grew comfortable with the idea that they will always be there, so at a first sign that the object or the person is breaking free from my hold, I seem to get really anxious.

I don’t know how or where to begin with this anxiety damage control thing. I guess it has to do with my mindset and of course, having the courage to restart my life. I’m thinking I should break free from the objects or the people that I am used to, that way, I may be able to control feeling anxious and think of it as a means to an end.

This break is instrumental in so many ways. While I was busy making a living, I forgot about the life I’ve wanted to live. I forgot that my main goal is truly just inner peace. To sleep comfortably at night and not feel regret every morning that I wake up late from just because I wasn’t able to sleep the night before. This insomnia thing is really not my thing and I’ve been keeping tabs on dates when I can sleep peacefully, those nights are precious.