Friendship is spelled with END

As much as we want to take old friends with us to the next level, sometimes, it’s better to just leave them as they are.

I have always been a very loyal friend. The type to make an enemy of someone who messes up with my friend. I’d like to think that that’s just how I view friendships – worth protecting for.

I am usually cool. I don’t take things like everything is such a big deal. I’ve never been that problematic friend with various issues.

However, with the recent friendship situation that I am in, I am reconsidering the type of friend I am and exactly the type of friend I have. As a friend, I am slow to process anger. I get annoyed, yes, but most of my friends don’t really get the gravity of what I’m feeling because I don't show it. Normally, I take a step back and process it on my own.

But not anymore.

I have made a vow to myself. With relationships, romantic or friendship, I would never compromise my own emotions. I refuse to be the absorber. I refuse to be a doormat. I refuse to be the ultimate patron up to the extent of my ruin. I refuse to compromise what I really like just because a certain someone likes something else. I hate that when I do that to myself. I hate that I must curb my own desires for others. And the sad thing is that they don’t even realize that you sacrificed your own for them.

I was told I have this habit of accounting for what I did. Well, let’s just say that I do because someone may have lacked sensitivity. When you give in every time, they seem to think that they’re entitled to it. They're accustomed to you giving in that when you stress NOT giving in this time, you have become "difficult". Friendship is a symbiotic relationship. You give and you take. You do not take everything and think that it's okay because someone is ALWAYS okay with it. There is always a limit to everything.

As I reflected on my relationships, I just kind of think that some friendships come to an end just because you get tired of making it work. You face a certain wall that helps you decide whether the friendship is worth anything to fight for. In my case, I think that I am no longer in my pleaser era. I no longer have the patience and flexibility to bend and reshape myself to fit someone’s idea of a friend.

I have come so far from where I started. I am not the same giddy, goody girl that I used to be. I have my own issues, responsibilities, fears, and anxieties. I have a reality that demands time and effort and I no longer have the luxury of time to do mind games with people. I no longer have the tolerance to wait on someone and be in that zone. I no longer have the aptitude to be in a drama. I have my own problems to solve, my own drama to star in. I demand to pursue things and relationships that help me grow with peace.

As much as I’d like to keep the number of friends as they are. And as much as I’d like to see them next to me on this ride all the way, (And believe me, I always do), I think that some friendships can only take so far. 

Like everything in our journey through life, some friendships take exits, some friendships break down, and some friendships can have flat tires. I am just hopeful that at some point,  these friendships still reach their destination no matter what route they take. 

Childhood on our mental health challenges

“I have mental challenges.”

It’s pretty common especially here in the North American region. A friend and I once had a dialogue about the possible causes of mental illness in a first-world country, such as Canada and we could infer that there are several factors that when you look at it, are intertwined. I want to put a disclaimer here; this is a stereotypical analysis with no proof other than what is observed. This may sound ignorant, but it is what it is, and I do not want to sugarcoat things.

Growing up and being raised in a third-world country offers a stark contrast to the economic and social capabilities of individuals living here. I always think that depression and underlying mental conditions emanate from experiences as a child. It must have been a void that no matter how you try to seal it, sinkhole after sinkhole appears.

For one, I am living in a very expensive city, and with this comes the resources that you need to produce to keep on living here. From an economic perspective, parents work to provide for their children. Sometimes, parents take multiple jobs to afford the life they want for their family. Children are left alone most of the time, hence, having the extra time apart from school on friends and hobbies. These friends can either be productive or counterproductive along with the hobbies, such as being introduced to illicit drugs. Can parents monitor their children 24/7? Unlikely. They’re just too busy! It starts with trying a single tobacco and alcohol then escalates to weed then transitions to narcotics. The pattern is plain and simple to miss.

Secondly, broken homes. According to NIH, adult depression is significantly more common among those with separated parents in childhood (68.1%) than among those whose parents had not separated (53.4%). With divorce in place, separation is more “accessible” (for lack of a better term). I have watched the movie, “Catch Me If You Can”, which was roughly based on the true story of Frank Abagnale Jr. He has this interview about his notoriety, and he mentioned that having his parents separated had a huge effect on him. His parents' separation is something that he doesn’t want as his reality especially when both parents married another spouse. How many children coming from broken homes adjust to their parent’s new partners and some of them have other kids from previous marriages? Emotionally, it will leave children out in the middle while both parents go on to create another. It’s a tough place for children to be in. It’s highly traumatic.

Thirdly, Trauma. Especially when you have experienced abuse as a child or in the past. People have different views of trauma. A car accident, repeated sexual abuse or a verbal assault could lead to trauma. Survivors of abuse may feel like they cannot trust the people around them. With trauma, it is reliving the experience that makes it harder. One single thing could cause a trigger. People would usually find means to forget them thereby leaning to substance or alcohol exacerbating depression.

Lastly, lack of support. Most children feel unwanted or unloved when their parents do not have time to be with them. If missed PTA meetings, games, or bonding becomes a habit by parents or loved ones, children will seek validation and support through other means. At times, children who seek attention start delinquency to get the attention they need.

There are lots of other factors, for sure. But one thing common about these is the idea of hopelessness. As a child, the moral ground is what the adults model for you. If both stand posts are erring and are growing up themselves, what idea of mental stability do you expect them to follow? We all know that life happens and sometimes, things do not work out like we want to. I bet nobody would want a divorce if that were on the menu. However, bringing a child into this world is a commitment, and just because it did not work out with the partner does not mean you leave the child to fend for himself/herself. When you decide to bring someone into this world, it is from start to finish. There are no pauses or breaks in between.

Our childhood experiences are an important part of who we are and what we become as an adult. When we feel loved as a child, we grow up thinking that all children are loved just like the way we were. When a child experiences hopelessness and this continues to be a trend, we can safely assume, it will be dominant in his/her adult life. Ever wonder why celebrities fall into the hopelessness of drug or alcohol abuse even though they reached the highest of peaks? Because no matter how much we achieve for ourselves, we always go back to the basics.

At the start of everything.

Our mind is wired to measure how much we’ve grown from where we started.

Good Morning Alexa

Imagine starting your day with a bright, "Good morning!" to Alexa, and she promptly kicks off with the latest barrage of world news, all gloom and doom. The war in Ukraine, Israel-Hamas tensions, and a host of other not-so-happy headlines – it's like the news has a subscription to negativity, right?

Let's talk about habits for a moment. They're like these sneaky little routines we do without even thinking. In my case, my morning news ritual was turning me into a pessimist before I'd even had my coffee. Instead of feeling ready to conquer the day, it felt like I was diving headfirst into a sea of worries. 🌊

I mean, who could blame me? When every headline screams chaos and conflict, it's tough not to feel anxious. The constant exposure to bad news had turned me into a professional skeptic – I couldn't trust anyone's intentions, and my view of the world had been thoroughly muddied.

So, I asked myself, "Why don't news outlets ever focus on the good stuff?" 🤔 Why is it always about the shocking, the grim, and the jaw-droppingly bad? Why don't they have a "Feel-Good Friday" segment? Seriously, that'd be awesome!

The world's become a noisy place, hasn't it? Bad news comes at you from all angles – TV, radio, the internet, even social media. You're just scrolling through your Instagram, looking for some relaxation, and suddenly, there's a war clip! It's like "Survival of the Fittest" has morphed into "Survival of the Mentally Strongest." We're tackling our own problems while carrying the weight of the world's issues. Not exactly motivating, is it?

Sometimes, I'd sit during my daily commute, gazing out the window, and all I'd see was injustice, weariness, and hardship. It made me wonder if life was nothing more than an endless grind, a relentless struggle driven by the fear of unpaid bills. 😟

But then it hit me – the negativity from my daily news diet had quietly crept in and consumed my outlook on life. I'd become a willing victim of "media-washing" (if that's even a thing!).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we should bury our heads in the sand. It's essential to stay informed, but the balance is key. Let's make room for some positivity amid all the gloom. There's got to be some good news out there, right?

So, next time I greet Alexa with a chipper "Good morning," I'm going to cut her off and ask for some uplifting tunes instead. 🎶 Because who couldn't use a little extra positivity to start the day? 😄

Stay tuned as I embark on a quest for a brighter, more balanced start to my mornings. Let's bring some sunshine into our daily routines! 🌈✨

Thanksgiving weekend

It’s the thanksgiving weekend! I can't believe I am now part of this celebration being strategically planted here.

I love this season. It incites gratefulness.

In a world where people become highly entitled to anything, we look deeper within ourselves and realize that it’s not the world’s obligation to give us anything. In fact, and to put it bluntly, the world does not owe us anything. And with this comes the appreciation that you were chosen, you were blessed, you were fortunate to be given the opportunity to receive something. Maybe you did something right or maybe you got lucky? Either way, the fact that not everyone gets the same favor, nudges you to remain grounded and grateful.

A few months ago, I met with old friends. I was happy to share my journey here in Canada. As the conversation got deeper, I was asked, “Are you not planning to move to the US?”, I was literally speechless. I was unable to answer. I smiled.

It’s not the question that is hard to answer, it is the realization that my friends can now ask me about moving to the US, so casually.

America? Me???

It was like asking, “Are you not planning to go get groceries?” It was so unpremeditated and so… humbling if you ask me. America seemed to be like a distant dream. I have known someone who had his heart surgery there when he was young and when he told us that, I was amazed at how they could afford it! I have friends whose families have settled in the US, and I know for sure, that I am nothing like them financially speaking.

I am from a working class. My parents teamed up to make sacrifices for us. Growing up, finances were laid out in the open. My mom was quick to explain why they could not buy me new jeans or cool shoes on my whim. And because my parents were open, I understood that the new jeans would have to wait and most probably would be by my sock on Christmas day!

In my mind, there’s a stark contrast between those who COULD settle in America and those who are just like me. They COULD because they HAVE. I look back at the start of it all, from when I joined raffle contests hoping to win a ticket to Hong Kong, just because, I knew my parents could never afford it at that time. And then there’s my first plane ride to Manila courtesy of my sister, I was in college then. My first international trip was in Hong Kong because… Disneyland! It was truly a dream come true. When I look back, I’m just in awe. I had literally nothing, and yet… having the opportunity to move across the globe was somehow possible.

So, the idea of moving to America… I could not even fathom the feeling. I am just amazed at the idea that in somebody’s mind, I am someone who COULD now consider moving to the U.S. 

Does that mean I HAVE?

I don’t know. All I have is the guts. I don’t even have much passion for things. To put it simply, I’m just a hard worker. I just continued digging hoping I’d stumble on oil, if not gold.

But truly, I can’t believe where life has brought me. I always knew I was going to places but never really considered the far-away ones.

And this Thanksgiving season, this is just one of the many notions that make me teary-eyed.

I want to be reminded of the opportunities that were given to me and the prospect of also giving others a chance at life. I want to be reminded of the people who made it possible for me to traverse this path, some riding along with me. I want to be reminded of the likely good things that I have done and will be doing more, to come this far and perhaps, go farther.

Most importantly, I want to be reminded that nothing is set in stone, and with a grateful heart, I continue to move forward and forge new paths wherever life takes me. 

Groupthink

Groupthink

It is defined in Investopedia as a phenomenon that occurs when a group of individuals reaches a consensus without critical reasoning or evaluation of the consequences or alternatives.

With this phenomenon comes the branches of other things that usually occur. In layman’s terms, sometimes it can be maritessing.

That is when friend A says that friend B is a sl*t, for example. Then friend A says that she sees friend B with different cars dropping her off. Friend C would jive in and say, she sees friend B wearing heavy makeup all the time and is always on her phone. Friend D, E, and F will agree and give their supposed “testimonials”. All of them conclude the same destructive things against Friend B.

Friend E might have been peer-pressured to chime in. Friend F might make stories just to be “in”. It is a scenario that is very common in the society. Without proper evaluation, we just produce a solid conclusion. No Ifs and no buts.

Today, A mentioned that a temp stole a bottle of wine. She made B pull up the CCTV footage on the dates she purportedly thought the wine vanished. They called me to show me the footage. While watching, I observed how A was resolute in her belief that it was a wine that the temp took out from the fridge. I told them, it may just be a can of Pepsi.  A interjected and said, why would the temp cover the Pepsi? They called in C. I excused myself and took one bottle of wine and tested her “theory” and I feel like it’s too long to be something that can be stacked with a coffee cup. A argued that the camera was facing down so it may look short. With much conviction, A concluded it was a bottle of wine. While they were busy discussing, I looked at other details like if it was a bottle, the temp's hands should be far spread in between to cover the length. I found that his hands were normal. B and D chimed in with their theory of making a hole in the cup and slotting in the bottleneck. All of which, I found extremely ridiculous.

I told D to make sure that no one from the team took the said bottle. He laughed at me. When I told D, that it might not be a bottle, A mocked me telling me my idea was stupid. She was zeroed in with the temp as a thief. I did not understand.

Suspecting someone is a dangerous thing. In itself, it causes damage to the person. It does not only make the person feel bad but feel injustice. He is being judged without proper trial. It also makes the accuser look bad as well, especially, if the accused never did anything wrong. In the end, E came and told us that he gave the bottles of wine to F.

Groupthink… it is such a fatal phenomenon. Emotionally and legally. You destroy someone's reputation based on a baseless accusation. And when you leave no room to be debated or questioned about your conclusion, you convict a person based on your assumption.

May we always find wisdom in assessing situations. Just because someone says something does not mean it's the truth. Marcus Aurelius, in his book of meditations, says “Everything you hear is an opinion, not a fact. And everything you see is a perception, not the truth.”

go on

I don’t dwell on missed opportunities.

Or at least I try not to.

I’ve always been a hard worker. The type who looks so chill and perhaps, the type who gets what she wants, just because. My sister always tells me that my pursuits look so easy to me. Lucky for me, she knows me and the hustles behind it. Behind the scenes, things are messy. It is always under construction with bits and pieces of something from somewhere. 

Behind every little milestone, is me struggling to make sense of the world around me. It is me thinking about how to attack a certain situation. I spend an inordinate amount of time breaking down a problem and providing countless solutions. Even then, I have always been that. Sometimes, I ponder why I must work double, or triple times harder than everyone else. I know I am competent, and maybe it comes with the territory, but it gets toasty (for lack of a better word).

Toasty because I seem to fight my way through everything. I must defy the odds just to get a spot. I must get through the rough to secure my shine. I have to go through the hole of the needle, EVERY. FREAKING. TIME. And when you’ve been doing it for a long time, alone… I’d say it gets tricky. I get tired of trying. Trying is fun when I get to choose it and not when I need to.

A few months ago, I was the frontrunner for a job. To get through that point, I have championed several exams and a nerve-wracking interview. I can confidently say that it was in the bag. I was the person about to get the job as they were just finalizing the offer. However, by some twist of horrible fate, I got dropped. I don’t want to get into the details as to why and how but one thing’s for sure, I was extremely disappointed by the turn of events.

When something like this happens, things just get the better of me. I get so tired of trying that I resort to quitting. At one point, I got to be in a mindset of questioning. “Why am I doing this?” “What’s the point in all of this?” Sometimes, it pivots to dropping everything, “F*ck it, I’m done!”

Yes, I get bitter. But then I think deeply about it.

Perhaps, it’s the universe telling me, there’s something better coming.

Historically, my silver lining in my attempts is the ability to somehow navigate through it and come out alive -- a winner, even. In my attempts, I learned so many things about myself. I learned to let go. I learned to choose what to think. I learned the degrees of bout or no bout at all. I learned to fight, unequivocally, or to take the first flight. Most importantly, I learned grace.

In whatever things were thrown at me, I learned to react with refinement. For example, when someone speaks ill against me, I don’t essentially cuss them. I feel sorry for them. It must have been sad that the only way to get ahead is for them to thump on someone. It's despairing to think about people destroying others just so they can build themselves. It’s the lowest of low. I don’t see power in that. I don’t see self-esteem either. I see the shit-scared faces of people who must've been neglected. Of course, you cannot spread love if you are devoid of it. To have that as a strategy to progress in life, stupidly believing it leads somewhere, it's regretful. Well, we all know how the story ALWAYS ends.

My goals are beyond me and there’s no stopping on that gas pedal for them to materialize. I may have missed opportunities even though God knows how hard I worked for them. However, I guess that’s exactly what I’m supposed to do. To try, just because I may have the ability to go far with them. 

I’m picking myself up, shaking the dust off, and moving forward with positivity that what is meant for me will always find me, with or without much effort. 

Snakey

People are not what they seem.

Sadly, it’s a reality that we must deal with, no matter how painful this can get.

My sister always tells me that I am a black-and-white type of person.  I am resolute in thinking just about the two ends. There was no gray area. I used to be so conflicted with the idea of a gray area. What does that mean? Well, she said, I see the world with firmness. I see the world with only two opposing sides, black or white, good, or evil, etc. I have not considered the gradient, the in-betweens, the undefined.

Growing up, I expressed strong opinions, chose between two sides, and settled with one or either side and for that, I got into multiple petty trouble. For the longest time, I have struggled to come to terms with seeing more than I could possibly see, choosing from different spectrums, and possibly settling with the unimaginable. I figured I needed an intervention. And boy, did an intervention come cheap? It did not.

I met with different people and shared various stories. I read numerous articles and tried to learn as much as I could about the world from different perspectives. In a grand display of this desire to learn more, I moved to another country. I lived, worked, and traveled some more. It is in these expeditions that I discovered so much about the world, the people living in it, and especially about myself.

I learned that the gray area comes when people’s words do not match their actions. I learned that even though I am genuine, not everyone shares the same fondness. Some people’s survival strategies involve being sneaky. Nice to your front, terrible to your back. Behind your back, they create stories, opinions, and speculations about you. At first, you laugh because it’s a laughable idea designed to blow your mind. You laugh because you never thought, any sane person would believe them. But the joke’s on you because not everyone is as smart as you are. They believe what is in plain sight. That’s convenient!

People’s opinions can sway your thoughts about yourself. Sure, it makes you doubt who you are and what you can do, but if you see through what’s within, you will realize that opinions, no matter where you are will always follow you. And that’s where they exactly belong, behind you because your goals should be what’s in front of you. In the same regard, people’s opinions can sway how you think about someone else. But I try to give that person the benefit of the doubt. I give that person a chance to prove herself/himself wrong because people’s opinions shouldn’t necessarily be the measure of his/her own humanity.

Situations may instigate different reactions. People whom you regard as comrades, someone you root for because you started together will turn out to be an enemy. Some of your people will be quick to judge, to drop you at their most convenient time. While you act with loyalty, some of them will turn you in for greater profit and personal gain. It will hurt you but know that the problem lies in them, not with you. You can’t do anything about them. You pat yourself; you deserved better.

Feelings go from Yes to absolutely No. Because our minds are wired to think about something in a gazillion ways, sometimes, our feelings get interconnected with it. There’s such a thing as “I don’t hate – HATE you.” From my previous self’s perspective, I’d go nuts, “What is he saying?” But now, I go, “I don’t – DON’T UNDERSTAND” you.  Okay, so you hate me to what extent?” I learned about degrees, clarification, and sublimation before abomination.

You help people who accept help. If a person refuses them, then scoot on. As much as you would like to offer aid to the fullest of your ability, you cannot walk the ends of the Earth for them. You cannot carry all their loads for them. You cannot live their lives for them. You help as much as they allow you to. You should not make them feel invalid.

The most important ally is yourself. What you feed to your soul should be a nourishment, not its cause of decay. Sure, you can have lovers, family, and friends but above everything else, it’s always yourself. You are your priority because you cannot provide aid for others if you also need a rescue. You cannot make someone complete if you feel depleted. You cannot give what you do not have. End of story.

It took me a long time to process where the gray areas lie. It’s an endless process of experiencing it as it comes but I understood what my sister meant. It made me think big. It made me allow room for mistakes. It made me seek less perfection. It helped me understand where I stand and what to expect. And trust me, I went back and forth with my trust issues. It’s still a battle half-won.

But even though I went through them and compartmentalized them, once in a while, I still get disappointed over humanity’s indecisiveness. It’s people’s nature to trust and get betrayed. It’s a vicious cycle. But I always remind myself, I am only responsible for my actions. I may act in complete regard but then again, it’s a lost cause if it’s a “them” over a “me” issue.