prexypinoy to the world

“Ei” To my surprise, you messaged me. My mind wandered to the Alps and back whether to reply or not. The right and left brain grew in tangles. But alas I decided to reply. It’s not as though di kita matiis, it’s more of pagbabago ko ng style. You see, I have been hurt before, maybe the same intensity as this or more and I applied my known equation. That is, to keep mum about everything even my closest of friends didn’t hear a thing from me. I almost dramatically cut all the lines of connections. From almost every night of texting and chatting, as abrupt as I was with changing my undies, I stopped communicating. That was me. That was me years back. How unfortunate (or fortunate) of me to experience this again and I vowed to use another equation. They said people have different ways in coping up with situations. I’ve tried the previous one and it never helped me ease instantaneously (of course it will never be like that) but at least I was hoping it’s something that passes...

I feel so guilty. I have been flooding twitter and my friends think that they might check on me. They're curious on what happened to me. This is one of the disadvantages of blurting out problems in public. One of the many reasons why I love to blog is because I can be too personal without friends knowing. Yes, public can see it but mostly chances are upon strangers browsing others blogs and had me next when they press that tiny button in the upper left side of this blogging site. I just wouldn't want to be verbal about it. I have my own therapy, writing. I prefer to write than to speak, for speaking can make me change my expression and tone of my voice. I hate when people around me feel pity over me.  We go through processes. We go through certain phases in this life and I want to go through it the peaceful possible way. I don't need to talk. I don't need to speak. I don't need to see the expression of their faces. I don't want charity. I don't want ...

Investments… It is wise to choose where to invest. It is wise to keep your interests in line. Business books teach us that and it’s simple logic. For the best profit in less costs possible. But what if we’re talking about investments in subjective forms? How do we gauge ourselves if this is enough or not? So my dilemma is on. Again. Paulit ulit. History repeats itself. There’s no point denying, I am hurting. Again. I might feel numb and give up. I’ll put on my gear and make myself invisible again. This is nakakapagod, I tell you. This time, I consulted my friends (for the first time). I mean, I don’t usually share matters of the heart; it’s mostly quintessential to keep it to myself. Close my doors, put on my plugs, and drown with bitterness, all by myself. It’s like that. Always have been. I told my good friend “should I quit? Close all access?” and she answered, “will it make you feel better?” I said, “yes, I guess. I’ve done this a couple of times.” And she sai...

Damn! Here I am again in the same side of things, the losing end. I am writing to clear off my mind as whatever I do, I can still think of you. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. I guess I have to go through it all again for me to learn how to be numb. I guess the pain doubled. I guess I have to learn not to trust enough. No matter how I protected myself, it’s still the same pattern, I’m hurt and no one’s gonna fix this mess but myself. I should’ve listened. From the very start, I know there’s no point to it. I laid down the cards and I predicted how it will end. I am right, it ends like this. How can I not know? I am the chosen one, the loser, the bitter; the one who takes all the pain and only God knows how much I can take. Stubborn as I was, I want to challenge the circumstances, I still gave in, I still continued so now, I have no one to blame but my overly adventurous self. You won’t see me cry. You won’t see me sad. I should not show it. I will be in the upper ...

For how many posts would I make to emphasize a point of life’s volatility? You have lived life being the best of who you can be. You marveled at new experiences and braved dark times. You have lived to conquer your fears and to make the most out of life. You yearn to survive. It’s always a vicious cycle of survival. You loved and lost. You loved and forgot. You loved and taken for granted. You have someone you like, liked for long or liked for the time being. You have said I love you yesterday but not yet today. And yet just like every other creature, it is predetermined that the flame will be slowly draining. Mortality. You can never predict. You sleep tonight and never know if you ever wake up tomorrow. One foot on the ground and the other one floating. You will never know when the time is. Your time. Life is short. Cliche. You live each day to fulfill basic needs, do your duty, follow your routine. It’s as though, you only live to pay the bills....

I see you. Don't look behind or sideways, I am talking to you! Yes, you! For how many times have you tried not to show it? For how long have you kept your face? For why do you love the dark? You won’t believe it, but I know you. I saw you. I dreamt of you. I had the most vivid flashbacks I could ever have of you. So here’s what I think you are… When you think you can bear it all, you are ready to go through the odds. It’s painful but you chose to keep it to yourself and pretend it’s always sunny in your side of the world. People would think you never had any experience of any pain ordinary lovers go through but what they don’t know is that, you smile the fakest smile to hide the pain and broken wings. You put on your greatest weapon, a façade of happiness. You thought everything will be better. You live each day hoping for a better tomorrow, that somehow, someday, things may change and you will be put in the pedestal. It’s like being a struggling actor, you do your ...

An almost impossible journey that made it the most memorable. Friends are never easy to find. You talk to some but only those you feel comfortable with are the ones you have the privilege to share part and parcel of your life. I wouldn't have survived this new path that I took in if not for the good friends that made this whole adventure a lot bearable.

And so it seems I am talking about one guy all through out my posts. To debug that myth: I am getting over someone I know who I thought I have a deep attachment with. My friend asked me, "so you're saying you are over him... and you're saying you're not in anyway affected and interested in what he does... and you're saying you ain't hurting?" And I answered, Yes, No, No.  It's not easy to go through your memories and feeling like you've never really had the chance. Yes I am getting over him but it's a process. To be honest, I am so pissed with myself. Why am I holding on to something that never really existed? Fictional. And it's as though, it is where my world revolves. I am getting tired. Please let me go. Yes, I am affected and No, I am not interested. I am not in anyway interested to be involved. I don't think I am worth as the third wheel. Never an option. Never WILL happen. Not my kind. Yes I am hurting but it's so l...

I saw her in the airport and I was taken aback. She looked friendly and tried to strike a conversation but I acted weird, I was distanced. I was sorry but I just can’t help myself from feeling this way, she told me. And I said, “Well, you aren’t known to have so much pride. You’re fresh and cool about everything unlike me who takes insult like a wound poured with a salt. We’re different.” She said: “that’s why I don’t know why I reacted that way. It’s awkward; I just don’t want to talk.” Then I told her “maybe it’s time to leave things behind. Maybe it’s time to let it all go.” I get where you’re coming from.  There are people looking pretty with all smiles at your front but stabs you with a million daggers at your back. I don’t get them. Seriously, I don’t really mind people hating me for things I cannot change or are hard to change. I don’t expect everyone to be pleased with me. Personally, I’d rather have someone who doesn't talk to me instead of h...

You are my frustration! He said, and I replied “same here”. Bakit nga ba ganun, gusto mo sya, gusto ka nya but a lot of factors are pulling you off to be together. Rules. Isa na yan. Why do we make such rules to guide us to be happy and yet we feel miserable? Why do we set out certain posts on where to found a relationship but these posts are just keeping us from building something out from nothing? Distance. They say distance makes the heart grows fonder. But in most cases, it’s always a one-sided thing. The girl is usually the one who gets into it more than the guy. It’s unfair to think that while girls who are in the overseas are busy with their respective careers and daily hectic routines, at the end of the day, it is the thought of the guy that they like that appeases them in their loneliness. Communication. Why do we avoid conversations about ourselves? Why do we not talk as often as want our hearts to be intertwined? Why is a word too hard to utter. The weirdes...

Done! So after a year and so of not talking, you messaged me and asked me how I was. Quite frankly, I was surprised. I was surprised that after all these years, you still remember me. It would be a lie to deny that somehow I was happy that you made the first move because seriously, I PROMISED myself that I would never ever talk to you again. At least not the way we used to. You might say I’m bitter, I am not. I just don’t like to be involved. I swear it would be so much easy for me to just be out of the picture. I am not bitter although I first thought I was. Considering all the blows it caused my ego, I feel I have the right to be bitter. Good thing, sense won over me. I thought I’d bleed profusely out from this, I did but not as much as I expected to. My good friends were polite enough not to talk about it. It helped me mend. It helped me face my demons as brave as I was. I just didn’t want for people to press on the issue. From the very start, it’s personal and s...