ei

“Ei”

To my surprise, you messaged me. My mind wandered to the Alps and back whether to reply or not. The right and left brain grew in tangles. But alas I decided to reply. It’s not as though di kita matiis, it’s more of pagbabago ko ng style.

You see, I have been hurt before, maybe the same intensity as this or more and I applied my known equation. That is, to keep mum about everything even my closest of friends didn’t hear a thing from me. I almost dramatically cut all the lines of connections. From almost every night of texting and chatting, as abrupt as I was with changing my undies, I stopped communicating. That was me. That was me years back.

How unfortunate (or fortunate) of me to experience this again and I vowed to use another equation. They said people have different ways in coping up with situations. I’ve tried the previous one and it never helped me ease instantaneously (of course it will never be like that) but at least I was hoping it’s something that passes by until it completely vanished.

Here I am again, running in circles. As much as I would like to be cool with it, I just cannot. I’m afraid I’m drawing towards bitterness and it scares me.

Technically, it should never be put in this shade of light. It’s illogical to really feel mad about someone just because he stopped wooing you when he said he won’t. It’s just sad to expect things from a person whom you thought would stand by his words. It’s as though I was played at. I was hoping and yet, I hoped and it went to the drain. Again.

At this point in time, I really find it weird. My self is as messed up as a thread in with loose ends. I seem to have this habit of justifying things and it calms me but when I think about it again, I get furious uncontrollably.

My head would tell me, this is nothing but an equation. Something to be solved within the depths of activities that would make me busy. It dictates the positivity of the actions and that there will be someone better that comes along. Some days, it drives me to think that there is something wrong with me, twice in a row. How can it not be?

My heart, is another story. It beats. It beats as fast as it can. Sometimes, I get afraid the beating would stress out the veins. My heart is a soldier of love. You hurt her, it understands in selflessness. She’s a hero, a wounded soldier, a giver, and in times, I think she is a martyr.

Then I managed, “Hi, hope you’re happy. Good luck and good life” See? How absurd is it to wish someone, luck in his new love when your heart is screaming “No!” at the top of her voice? But then, happiness is something you’d wish to someone, whether or not, he means or not to you.

Sure, I can use someone to fill in the gap. To show him that I can have another him in an instant too and to make him feel as though he never really meant something to me. But what would that make me? Nothing. Just a bitch who’s acting like one. I will never be a user. I will never hurt someone’s feeling just so I can regain power over someone.

So ei, no matter how I wish to talk to you, it’s just so pointless at this point in time. I’m a raging bridge and I would never give someone a piece of my mind in this state of disastrous me.

guilty

I feel so guilty.

I have been flooding twitter and my friends think that they might check on me. They're curious on what happened to me.

This is one of the disadvantages of blurting out problems in public. One of the many reasons why I love to blog is because I can be too personal without friends knowing. Yes, public can see it but mostly chances are upon strangers browsing others blogs and had me next when they press that tiny button in the upper left side of this blogging site.

I just wouldn't want to be verbal about it. I have my own therapy, writing. I prefer to write than to speak, for speaking can make me change my expression and tone of my voice. I hate when people around me feel pity over me. 

We go through processes. We go through certain phases in this life and I want to go through it the peaceful possible way. I don't need to talk. I don't need to speak. I don't need to see the expression of their faces. I don't want charity. I don't want sympathy, for once, I just want to be me without too much editing.

I don't mean to make friends intrigued about my situation. That's a far cry from what I wanted to do. I just wanted to vent out, to let it all out, to release feelings that burden me at this point in time. I don't need people prying over my affairs. I don't need even the closest of friends to feel as though I need help. Sometimes, someone who listens is the one most helpful. No words, actions or deeds needed, just a simple ears to be lent to.

I feel as though I am guilty that I have to be private about it. I just don't like talking about it face to face and telling everything from the start, it relives what is supposed to be forgotten. I owe it to myself to go through it in harmony with the rhythm of my heart, after all this is my life, my feelings and my heart that is broken.

And when I'm over it, I'll be glad to share it to my friends, as an experience to be laughed upon over a cup of coffee with some yummy chocolate cake.

endpoint

Investments…

It is wise to choose where to invest. It is wise to keep your interests in line. Business books teach us that and it’s simple logic. For the best profit in less costs possible.

But what if we’re talking about investments in subjective forms? How do we gauge ourselves if this is enough or not?

So my dilemma is on. Again. Paulit ulit. History repeats itself. There’s no point denying, I am hurting. Again. I might feel numb and give up. I’ll put on my gear and make myself invisible again. This is nakakapagod, I tell you.

This time, I consulted my friends (for the first time). I mean, I don’t usually share matters of the heart; it’s mostly quintessential to keep it to myself. Close my doors, put on my plugs, and drown with bitterness, all by myself. It’s like that. Always have been.

I told my good friend “should I quit? Close all access?” and she answered, “will it make you feel better?” I said, “yes, I guess. I’ve done this a couple of times.” And she said, “for me, it’s delaying the inevitable. There’s no need to block or cut the access, learn to fight it, face to face. Truth hurts but it hurts more if you prolong the process.”

Hmnnn.. logical enough, but saying it and doing it is not the same. Have you ever tried, avoiding someone so bad and still, you end up bumping into him? It’s that nerve-wracking, heart-drenching, breath-taking feeling of surprise with a whole band of mice in your heart the moment you look up and see his face.

I always believed that in order to be happy, we should let go of the things that make us sad. The thought of seeing him happy with someone else makes me sad. The pictures, the exchanging of comments or even the slightest tease from their common friends makes me deliberately sadder than sad.

The reason why I have to cut the access is because I want to do myself a favour, not to be coward (or so to speak) but to please myself to see only the things that make me bright and sunny as ever. Just by being abroad with few friends is enough reason to be lonely, thinking about your special someone who drifts away makes you the loneliest.

I want to gain my peace of mind by giving up persons who do not harness my growth but deter it. I want to be in harmony with whatever I have as of the moment. I want to live life free from worries and stress of a relationship (or lack thereof). I want to be me. The right woman for every man to be proud of.

I can say that this whole new experience is pretty much expected. It seems as though, all the roads lead to one thing, the nothingness. I’d like to believe that after all that has been said and done, I get to see light and have selective memory loss of what has been and what could have been.

I am speaking myself in a viewpoint of a woman shattered and broken-hearted. I do not wish to hope less about my future love. I’m just giving myself a break. I realized, I am not ready. I will never be ready for someone who does not keep his promises. We’re older, we know better. I hope there’s still hope for the flowers.

same side

Damn!

Here I am again in the same side of things, the losing end. I am writing to clear off my mind as whatever I do, I can still think of you.

I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. I guess I have to go through it all again for me to learn how to be numb. I guess the pain doubled. I guess I have to learn not to trust enough. No matter how I protected myself, it’s still the same pattern, I’m hurt and no one’s gonna fix this mess but myself.

I should’ve listened. From the very start, I know there’s no point to it. I laid down the cards and I predicted how it will end. I am right, it ends like this. How can I not know? I am the chosen one, the loser, the bitter; the one who takes all the pain and only God knows how much I can take. Stubborn as I was, I want to challenge the circumstances, I still gave in, I still continued so now, I have no one to blame but my overly adventurous self.

You won’t see me cry. You won’t see me sad. I should not show it. I will be in the upper east, maintaining my sunshine. There’s nobody who can break me.

Now, I just have to concentrate on my routine. I will not pretend but I will not disclose. Life goes on. There are just so many you and only one me. I won’t let my hopes down just because of you.

volatility

For how many posts would I make to emphasize a point of life’s volatility?

You have lived life being the best of who you can be. You marveled at new experiences and braved dark times. You have lived to conquer your fears and to make the most out of life. You yearn to survive. It’s always a vicious cycle of survival.

You loved and lost. You loved and forgot. You loved and taken for granted. You have someone you like, liked for long or liked for the time being. You have said I love you yesterday but not yet today.

And yet just like every other creature, it is predetermined that the flame will be slowly draining.

Mortality. You can never predict. You sleep tonight and never know if you ever wake up tomorrow. One foot on the ground and the other one floating. You will never know when the time is. Your time.

Life is short. Cliche. You live each day to fulfill basic needs, do your duty, follow your routine. It’s as though, you only live to pay the bills. You have to earn a living. You follow a pattern.

And when your time has come, and doctors pronounce you terminal or in stage 4, you begin to ponder, have you lived a life of meaning? Have you live as how you want your life to be?

fallen angel

I see you. Don't look behind or sideways, I am talking to you!

Yes, you!

For how many times have you tried not to show it? For how long have you kept your face? For why do you love the dark?

You won’t believe it, but I know you. I saw you. I dreamt of you. I had the most vivid flashbacks I could ever have of you. So here’s what I think you are…

When you think you can bear it all, you are ready to go through the odds. It’s painful but you chose to keep it to yourself and pretend it’s always sunny in your side of the world. People would think you never had any experience of any pain ordinary lovers go through but what they don’t know is that, you smile the fakest smile to hide the pain and broken wings.

You put on your greatest weapon, a façade of happiness. You thought everything will be better. You live each day hoping for a better tomorrow, that somehow, someday, things may change and you will be put in the pedestal. It’s like being a struggling actor, you do your part, you take on small roles, pretend to love the lousy acting of your co-actors but deep inside, you want someone to notice you as much as they notice the big ones. You continue to hope that one day someone will see you and give you a break to star in something more challenging, bigger and in most coveted role.

People tell you, you know nothing. For how can someone who is as inexperienced as you are know how it feels like to be hurt like you’ve never been hurt all your life? Silly ones. Who are they to judge you like they know you since you’re born? You smile at the thought. They shouldn’t know. You grin and they continued to believe.

So today you’re here. Unmoved by circumstances. You’re here with your funniest jokes, happiest face and infectious smile. You’re here as though you are as complete as A-Z. You’re here as though your soul has never withered. You’re here hiding your dirtied wings. You’re here pretending. You’re here.

girls of summer

An almost impossible journey that made it the most memorable.

Friends are never easy to find. You talk to some but only those you feel comfortable with are the ones you have the privilege to share part and parcel of your life.

I wouldn't have survived this new path that I took in if not for the good friends that made this whole adventure a lot bearable.

two guys

And so it seems I am talking about one guy all through out my posts.

To debug that myth:

I am getting over someone I know who I thought I have a deep attachment with. My friend asked me, "so you're saying you are over him... and you're saying you're not in anyway affected and interested in what he does... and you're saying you ain't hurting?" And I answered, Yes, No, No.

 It's not easy to go through your memories and feeling like you've never really had the chance. Yes I am getting over him but it's a process. To be honest, I am so pissed with myself. Why am I holding on to something that never really existed? Fictional. And it's as though, it is where my world revolves. I am getting tired. Please let me go.

Yes, I am affected and No, I am not interested. I am not in anyway interested to be involved. I don't think I am worth as the third wheel. Never an option. Never WILL happen. Not my kind.

Yes I am hurting but it's so long I almost forgot how to be hurt. so No, not considering pain for the moment. Although, I seriously think I am still confused.

No, I am talking about my two different guys. One past and one present (and most likely the future, I hope)

rest in peace

I saw her in the airport and I was taken aback.

She looked friendly and tried to strike a conversation but I acted weird, I was distanced. I was sorry but I just can’t help myself from feeling this way, she told me.

And I said, “Well, you aren’t known to have so much pride. You’re fresh and cool about everything unlike me who takes insult like a wound poured with a salt. We’re different.”

She said: “that’s why I don’t know why I reacted that way. It’s awkward; I just don’t want to talk.”

Then I told her “maybe it’s time to leave things behind. Maybe it’s time to let it all go.”

I get where you’re coming from.  There are people looking pretty with all smiles at your front but stabs you with a million daggers at your back.

I don’t get them. Seriously, I don’t really mind people hating me for things I cannot change or are hard to change. I don’t expect everyone to be pleased with me. Personally, I’d rather have someone who doesn't talk to me instead of having someone who enthusiastically talks but feels forced to do so. What’s the point anyway?

It started during the era of Friendster, my sis and I have this consistent hater who sends us messages of how assuming and bragging we are of ourselves and our family. That we are nothing but mere dusts. The hater seems to know about us, our education, our age, household names, everything except our personalities. The real us.

Funny that instead of taking offense I felt sorry for her (yes, she’s a girl… I am sure!) I feel sorry for her anger, for her grievances and perhaps her misfortunes. I feel sorry because the only way to relieve herself from her pains was to attack us in the most personal way. I feel sorry that she’s driven by what she only sees on the outside. I feel sorry that she commits sins just by making us feel bad ourselves. I feel sorry that despite her efforts, we aren't affected. I feel sorry that she feels jealous and haven’t seen the good thing about herself.

My sister and I may have looked so tough but it pains us to see someone losing control just to irk us. If there’s anything, I don’t think we’re worthy of the time and effort really. I just feel we’re a dot in this huge, extra huge world and there’s so many things to put your time and energy into rather than attacking us. I felt that it was not the bravest thing to do. I felt that she’s just putting herself in jeopardy by minding us than minding enrichment for herself.

We have people in mind. We have suspects even the nearest of kin. We've heard enough. You've talked enough. My wish for you, may you find the joy in your heart to appreciate what you have. May you find and realize how lovely you are and how lovely the world is if you only see things in a different perspective.

Finally, may you rest in peace! Much love and Happiness! J

fantasyland

You are my frustration!

He said, and I replied “same here”. Bakit nga ba ganun, gusto mo sya, gusto ka nya but a lot of factors are pulling you off to be together.

Rules. Isa na yan. Why do we make such rules to guide us to be happy and yet we feel miserable? Why do we set out certain posts on where to found a relationship but these posts are just keeping us from building something out from nothing?

Distance. They say distance makes the heart grows fonder. But in most cases, it’s always a one-sided thing. The girl is usually the one who gets into it more than the guy. It’s unfair to think that while girls who are in the overseas are busy with their respective careers and daily hectic routines, at the end of the day, it is the thought of the guy that they like that appeases them in their loneliness.

Communication. Why do we avoid conversations about ourselves? Why do we not talk as often as want our hearts to be intertwined? Why is a word too hard to utter. The weirdest thing is, you always tell me you like me and yet you ain’t making any move. Dumb, aren’t we?

Friends. Alright, I get it. You are popular with the gang as much as I am with my girlfriends. Tell you what, I’ve been told to really shut off my system for you. They said you aren’t worth it. They said you were as hazy as a murky contaminated water. I guess I shall surrender. This is going nowhere.

And lastly,

Standards. How can you tell me I’ve got big standards to fill? Why do you tell me I’m living in fantasy because I look for the ideal, that who I always like are those that are too good to be true.

Here’s the deal… You’re lousy and boring. You’re too plain, too weird and too self-consuming. You’re too overbearing, demanding and unusually explicit. I hate you in most times but I like you just the same. Damn you! Now tell me, am I living in fantasy?

over you

Done!

So after a year and so of not talking, you messaged me and asked me how I was. Quite frankly, I was surprised. I was surprised that after all these years, you still remember me.

It would be a lie to deny that somehow I was happy that you made the first move because seriously, I PROMISED myself that I would never ever talk to you again. At least not the way we used to. You might say I’m bitter, I am not. I just don’t like to be involved. I swear it would be so much easy for me to just be out of the picture.

I am not bitter although I first thought I was. Considering all the blows it caused my ego, I feel I have the right to be bitter. Good thing, sense won over me. I thought I’d bleed profusely out from this, I did but not as much as I expected to.

My good friends were polite enough not to talk about it. It helped me mend. It helped me face my demons as brave as I was. I just didn’t want for people to press on the issue. From the very start, it’s personal and so it should remain personal till the end.

Your message struck me. I have blocked all access in my attempt to be out of the picture. I just feel it isn’t right to keep you in my contacts or have myself updated with everything that goes into your life. I was never a part of it.

Don’t blame me. Sometimes, the best way to be safe and dry is to never go out of the house at all. I just can’t see the point of me talking to you as if things never happened. Yeah, you would say, you were never at fault. And I am not at fault to protect myself either.

The story of me and you ( oh wait, just me) is one of my life’s tragedies. It’s a story of something Unrequited, a story that I am recovering from. These days, I only can smile at the thought of it. Someday, I’ll remember this and tell it to my grandkids and it will be a hearty laugh.

You bet, I am a giver. My kind nature would not allow seeing you hurting. My kind nature wouldn’t allow seeing your heart break. After all, we only live once. I want you to live once but Happy.

                    

This is my final goodbye, my friend. No bitterness. No heartache. I’m fine. I’ll have my chance. I hope you two have the best of what you deserve. Sweet life! J