ei

“Ei”

To my surprise, you messaged me. My mind wandered to the Alps and back whether to reply or not. The right and left brain grew in tangles. But alas I decided to reply. It’s not as though di kita matiis, it’s more of pagbabago ko ng style.

You see, I have been hurt before, maybe the same intensity as this or more and I applied my known equation. That is, to keep mum about everything even my closest of friends didn’t hear a thing from me. I almost dramatically cut all the lines of connections. From almost every night of texting and chatting, as abrupt as I was with changing my undies, I stopped communicating. That was me. That was me years back.

How unfortunate (or fortunate) of me to experience this again and I vowed to use another equation. They said people have different ways in coping up with situations. I’ve tried the previous one and it never helped me ease instantaneously (of course it will never be like that) but at least I was hoping it’s something that passes by until it completely vanished.

Here I am again, running in circles. As much as I would like to be cool with it, I just cannot. I’m afraid I’m drawing towards bitterness and it scares me.

Technically, it should never be put in this shade of light. It’s illogical to really feel mad about someone just because he stopped wooing you when he said he won’t. It’s just sad to expect things from a person whom you thought would stand by his words. It’s as though I was played at. I was hoping and yet, I hoped and it went to the drain. Again.

At this point in time, I really find it weird. My self is as messed up as a thread in with loose ends. I seem to have this habit of justifying things and it calms me but when I think about it again, I get furious uncontrollably.

My head would tell me, this is nothing but an equation. Something to be solved within the depths of activities that would make me busy. It dictates the positivity of the actions and that there will be someone better that comes along. Some days, it drives me to think that there is something wrong with me, twice in a row. How can it not be?

My heart, is another story. It beats. It beats as fast as it can. Sometimes, I get afraid the beating would stress out the veins. My heart is a soldier of love. You hurt her, it understands in selflessness. She’s a hero, a wounded soldier, a giver, and in times, I think she is a martyr.

Then I managed, “Hi, hope you’re happy. Good luck and good life” See? How absurd is it to wish someone, luck in his new love when your heart is screaming “No!” at the top of her voice? But then, happiness is something you’d wish to someone, whether or not, he means or not to you.

Sure, I can use someone to fill in the gap. To show him that I can have another him in an instant too and to make him feel as though he never really meant something to me. But what would that make me? Nothing. Just a bitch who’s acting like one. I will never be a user. I will never hurt someone’s feeling just so I can regain power over someone.

So ei, no matter how I wish to talk to you, it’s just so pointless at this point in time. I’m a raging bridge and I would never give someone a piece of my mind in this state of disastrous me.