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Investments…

It is wise to choose where to invest. It is wise to keep your interests in line. Business books teach us that and it’s simple logic. For the best profit in less costs possible.

But what if we’re talking about investments in subjective forms? How do we gauge ourselves if this is enough or not?

So my dilemma is on. Again. Paulit ulit. History repeats itself. There’s no point denying, I am hurting. Again. I might feel numb and give up. I’ll put on my gear and make myself invisible again. This is nakakapagod, I tell you.

This time, I consulted my friends (for the first time). I mean, I don’t usually share matters of the heart; it’s mostly quintessential to keep it to myself. Close my doors, put on my plugs, and drown with bitterness, all by myself. It’s like that. Always have been.

I told my good friend “should I quit? Close all access?” and she answered, “will it make you feel better?” I said, “yes, I guess. I’ve done this a couple of times.” And she said, “for me, it’s delaying the inevitable. There’s no need to block or cut the access, learn to fight it, face to face. Truth hurts but it hurts more if you prolong the process.”

Hmnnn.. logical enough, but saying it and doing it is not the same. Have you ever tried, avoiding someone so bad and still, you end up bumping into him? It’s that nerve-wracking, heart-drenching, breath-taking feeling of surprise with a whole band of mice in your heart the moment you look up and see his face.

I always believed that in order to be happy, we should let go of the things that make us sad. The thought of seeing him happy with someone else makes me sad. The pictures, the exchanging of comments or even the slightest tease from their common friends makes me deliberately sadder than sad.

The reason why I have to cut the access is because I want to do myself a favour, not to be coward (or so to speak) but to please myself to see only the things that make me bright and sunny as ever. Just by being abroad with few friends is enough reason to be lonely, thinking about your special someone who drifts away makes you the loneliest.

I want to gain my peace of mind by giving up persons who do not harness my growth but deter it. I want to be in harmony with whatever I have as of the moment. I want to live life free from worries and stress of a relationship (or lack thereof). I want to be me. The right woman for every man to be proud of.

I can say that this whole new experience is pretty much expected. It seems as though, all the roads lead to one thing, the nothingness. I’d like to believe that after all that has been said and done, I get to see light and have selective memory loss of what has been and what could have been.

I am speaking myself in a viewpoint of a woman shattered and broken-hearted. I do not wish to hope less about my future love. I’m just giving myself a break. I realized, I am not ready. I will never be ready for someone who does not keep his promises. We’re older, we know better. I hope there’s still hope for the flowers.