dark force

You are a mighty black warrior. You have this incredible power to strike me at my weakest.

You are an evil knight who comes in the light of distress darkening the world around me.

You are a piece of junk striving to break through all the possible angles.

Goodness!

How can I not know the likes of you from the very first time I laid my eyes on you?

How can I not see how rotten you are amidst the gorgeous face or the luscious lips?

Fine. I am the one to blame.

I am but a lonely princess. I have limited experiences to base my judgment to.

I am but a lousy little worm trying to come out as a beautiful butterfly.

Have I not achieved that stage yet?

Why do I feel cuffed to the past?

Why do I feel so chained with the thoughts of you?

I have been to hell and back the first time I heard about it.

And been to more hell each time I think about it.

But man, Why can’t just get over you?

….

bang!

Ikaw…

Ikaw ang isa sa aking mga pangarap.

Ikaw ang isa sa laman ng aking mga panaginip.

I’ve known and heard from you from so many sources. My friends do talk loudly about you and how amazing you really were.

Down with your major points: You are such a gentleman who offers more than one expects. You are an active participant where life emanates from. You are the life of the party. You are one of the joys from knowing something new. You are unique and RAW.

The time has come that I have known you personally. I’d say my experience with you was one of the most memorable moments of my life. I liked the things I see in you. I liked how transported I felt from one place to another. I like you, need I say more?

To you outer core: You are oozing with SEX appeal. You are so HOT. One that is raging with HORMONES, one look and I’d know you’re WILD. A tempter in his own right.

What do I love about you? I love that I get to be adventurous when I am with you. I love that I get to be experimental with you. I can be a vixen and an innocent little angel at the same time. I can be a princess in distress and a roaring tigress. I can be me without having to doubt whether you’ll love me or hate me.

I love how dynamic you are. How experienced and knowledgeable you are of the things around you. You are a liberal, no doubt. You love to see things beyond perspectives and initiate innovations. You don’t care what they say, you are confident of who you are.

I miss you every single day. There’s so much about you that draws out the deeper me. I am grateful I’ve got to be with you. Even for a little time, even for a short notice and even without much deliberation.

I want you back, Bangkok! J

you and I

So I was lobbying facebook and got bored. I was tempted to open up my archives and yes, I found our conversations in an instant. I tried to read back and saw how it never worked out. You and I.

You and I… we both are too much to handle. You and I … we both don’t have the focus on things and each time, I end up with a “haha” for lack of better thing to say. You and I… we’re sporting a player look, noncommittal and seemingly interested for the present. Not long term.

I groan at a thought. At one point, I was like a drag queen. What was I thinking? Telling you to talk to me once you’re off the hook?! Seriously?! Gosh! I feel as though my toes do sank up to my neck, my pride slowly going with it. Goodness!

But between the horrendous lows and terrible lies, I am proud that I was able to steer away from going lower. I beamed up the chance to shine no matter how hurtful it all went. I veered towards achieving self-gratification more than what you can offer. Now, I’m back on my toes, flat on the ground with a chances of simultaneous takeoff, leap after leap.

I lost you. What’s worst than losing someone who meant the world to you. Or so I thought? What’s worst than investing emotions to a wrong subject and ending up feeling lost too? I could go on and on. All the hurt, all the pain, God! I can never imagine living with that lifetime after lifetime.

But hey, I survived. Past the phase of feeling down just because I lost all the possible chances. I’ve come to realize how magical the feeling is, yet it has the power to crash you. Thus, it is so important to learn to love yourself more than those who offer love to you. When everything fails, you love yourself enough to carry on.

You and I… seemed really promising. At one point, I thought you could be the one. You and I…

Never happened.

really

So here I am sitting at the office, wondering why the sudden rush of emotions came over me.

Last night was wine night and some major chika with friends; I woke up late for work today. Boo!

Conversations with friends in the wee hours of the morning with a familiar tingling of wine in one’s throat just provoke a deeper sense of reason. That moment when you talk low in a dark night and just let the rush of emotions come by is something wonderful. RAW.

If there’s one thing that I intentionally changed about being me is that fact that I now synthesize what I say. Sometimes a reaction is just a reaction for the sake of reacting because you had to edit out very strong feelings involved in it. Just to join the bunch.

There are certainly moments that I feel as though I am not being true to myself, by keeping my thoughts rather than saying it. I do have different ideas than the rest, and if I could just react to something the way I wanted it, it would be as true as I am. Sadly, there are certain instances that require silence. There are countless of times that I dare not speak so I won’t hurt someone or even yet, be misconstrued by people who don’t have the keen listening skills.

Which brings me to an idea… in a relationship, where the couples do try their best to do good and bring in efforts to remain as clean as they are in most eyes, Are they really true to themselves?

I have encountered a good friend’s facebook status with the words “I am tired of always being good, it takes my happiness away” (of something of that sort) I came to a point of realization… Are we really being true to ourselves?

Take for example; I am surrounded by good-natured people who bring out the best among their friends. I know I am a good girl too but there are some instances when I feel pressured to do exactly just that. Like, I cannot commit a mistake? I cannot make wrong decisions? I am stupid for acting on impulse? I do not know if you get what I mean but really… it’s just, I don’t know… boring?

More so, I have episodes whereby most of my remarks on a certain subject differ from their opinion. It makes me feel like a villain. But how can you be condemned from blurting what you really think is? How can you be tagged as evil when really, you were just being true?

Sometimes, being with the good ones feels like being suppressed because you have to live up to expectations to an extent. I am not purely evil, but I am not too good to be true. There are a number of glitches encumbered upon my soul. I just don’t want to feel too pressured by hitting the mark even though there are times that I feel like going out of the line.

I am not a prude or ultra-mega righteous. I just want to live life the way I want it to. Rules are rules but it is fun to break them sometimes and it’s challenging to chase them one after another.

I don’t know if you get me anyway, but this is about it. I am keeping it real. Blame it to the wine?

XOXO,

too much thoughts will kill me

Responsibilities.

Big word. It’s quite scary.

Yeah I know we all go through that, at some point in our lives, we do need to assume roles because it is what growing up is all about. But sometimes, these thoughts about roles do scare me. Big time.

My sister’s father-in-law just had an Angioplasty operation done. It is a medical procedure referring to the unblocking of the veins of the heart (not quite sure medically). That certain operation is offered only in Manila and thus, my brother-in-law flew into Manila to support his father.

So then, I asked my sister “how much does it cost for this operation?” My sister replied, “perhaps 800K to a million plus”. My goodness! Certainly, health is everyone’s wealth. I just can’t imagine…

My stubborn mind has gone to the Alps and back. Again. I hate to think about it and have stopped myself from doing so but… I don’t think I could afford an operation like that. Mentally computing, my brother-in-law has got three more siblings so the cost might have chipped them off more or less 300k each. God forbid, my sister and I… we’re only 2! Surely, we cannot afford 600k each.

Because of my stupid thoughts, I lay in bed motionless, staring at the ceiling and then and there, I felt depressed. I felt as if, there’s no way to survive. You know, most often that not, your strengths are pretty much your weaknesses. I just can’t imagine.

These thoughts rob out the best of me. Seriously, I am not afraid for myself; I can die a sudden death and would be much more pleased than slowly dying in the hospital with the hair falling off. But who can choose their illnesses? Or cause of death for that matter? One thing that scares me off the edge is the thought about my parents. My separation anxiety comes back each time I think of them.

To calm my senses, I always do a lot of reflection. My realization is this: we are all helpless. We are all just living a borrowed life, and when our creator wants it back, who are we not to succumb? I am praying though that even if future seems blurry and seemingly scary, we’ll come out of it proud to have lived our life the way God wants us to be.

I get this vibe that I am creating my own misery. This is a part of me that I wanted to get away from. I am getting crazy. Ugh.

break is all i need

Roll out the red carpet to CHANGI airport, I am gonna have a trip soonest!

Where is a break when you need one? No where. We have to make time for it. Do an effort to schedule a leave no matter what. BY HOOK OR BY CROOK.

The best thing about being able to travel is the ability to break the routine. Sometimes, things can really get to your nerves and you’d look in a mirror and see your reflection, you ask yourself, AM I STILL 26?

My career life is so stressful I can die of it in midday. Lunch time is a huge factor for me to breathe; otherwise, I’d go nuts in no time. Yeah, I have a very demanding job that I do love and hate in the same intensity. I always need a break. It is THAT important to me.

I’ve said this before, my greatest joy in life is to see my parents travel along with me. It gives me the satisfaction that they are enjoying their lives after all the hurdles in the past.  If I were 100x richer, I know it would be easy, but do I have time then?

Sadly, for this travel, I will be travelling with friends (not with ‘em). I’ve been eyeing to travel to this destination for so long. My mum told me “you take care of yourself, your belongings, be vigilant” while my dad told me “stay safe, it might be like too chaotic, watch out for yourself” Ahhh… things have never changed. I still get that quite a lot whenever I go to places. Parents! J

Anyway, it’s a sleep away. I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it, see you Mario! J

older

Getting old!

I wonder why there are terrible moments that I wake up and feel obnoxiously down. That feeling that never goes away no matter how hard I shake myself up. It’s creeping right through me and eating me alive.

I feel a certain sense of melancholy. I used to love melancholic strolls in the mall to think and reflect about major details of my future decisions. I used to enjoy being alone and getting my thoughts straight so when I come home, I know I’ve already made a concrete decision. But lately, melancholy doesn’t appeal me anymore. I feel bored and sad. I feel empty and down.

Hormones, they say, can make a sweet, angelic woman to a tiger in distress. But seriously, I do get distressed every time. I feel as though I am wasting a time of my life wherein I could be with any body. I feel as though I will regret not giving in to some new things that I fear I would not conquer. Ever.

There are episodes when I feel lying the whole day. But In the end, I’d die of boredom. When you’re single (and not seeing anyone), it just makes you feel sick. There’s this bond that I am craving to gratify. You know, normal ladies my age, would go date as if there’s no tomorrow. Most ladies my age would really party till dawn and work early the day after. I am not one of them. I’d love to but my body cannot endure too much stress and fatigue, my heart cannot take it too.

I am vintage. I am an old soul. I am renaissance. Seriously, sometimes I get tired of being me. I don’t know. I just feel as though I am too engrossed to following what I think is right even if it means standing up alone. I am too consumed by my own wonders that I do forget there are far more interesting people out there, waiting to be noticed, met or have drinks with. I just go with the same people, be friends with the same old ones, not bothering to add up a few, eat the same shit and go to the same freaking place. Same old same old. It makes me feel as though I am a hamster busying herself to the same circle EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

My path… I am afraid I am going towards the righteous-cum-boring-cum-old-maid-with-own-world path. I hate it. There’s gotta more to life that this, something that makes me feel double or triple excited. Something that makes me giggle as if I am still sixteen and perhaps something that makes my heart melt. Right now, I just felt nil. Strange. Floating. Ugh.

But what to do? Ahhhh… getting old is okay… but growing old ALONE, is never on my menu. Haist!

packages

While I know for sure that money cannot buy me love, it’s amazing to know how blessing comes in different packages.

Growing up, my eyes were opened to realities. My father is one hard-working man who seems to have the diskarte to fulfill the ends’ meet, why, it was him, who is solely our bread and butter while Mama stays at home full time to watch and guide us.

At home, we were trained to do chores (yun nga lang, I suck at it). My parents instilled in us the value of education more than anything else. I remembered one time… our neighbour asked my mom why she wants her kids to be enrolled in a private school when in the future, same lang daw lahat yan basta grumaduate. My mom would smile and say, I think my children deserve the best of what we can offer. And yes, I was so young then but when I heard that, I promised myself not to let my mother be down.

My dad is the breadwinner. My mom is the breadkeeper. She would do all the budgeting right after receiving the amount in full. I can vaguely remember, whenever I ask for extra allowance my mom would let me sit in so she can illustrate how my dad’s salary flows. Then she would ask me, “what is more important, school or extra activities?” then I’d sigh in resignation. I know where the discussion ends.

My parents were strict when it comes to house rules. One time, I told them that I would go attend a seminar for the Rovers Society. It was one rainy night. Right after the seminar, my friends and I have decided to go to the mall to wait for the rain to stop before we go home. Sadly, my mom and dad went to the venue of the seminar and found me nowhere, when I came home, I was greeted by my ate and she told me the parents were furious because I was not home as promised. When mom and dad got home, I got a major award!

Love can wait, they said. It was okay for me since I know I have a goal to achieve and a boyfriend can never understand why I act the way I do. I felt like I can’t afford to just choose someone just because I wanted to have one.

Looking back, I can say that my parents just wanted us to be what we want to be in the future. Perhaps, someone who came from the ordinary to someone who goes after their dreams no matter what. My mom would tell me, “since you are still under our wings, do as what we say, it’s for your own good. Once you graduate, you can do whatever you please.” And true to her words, when I graduated, I was able to go after what I want.

I am proud that I have very supportive parents who scolded and punished me for my wrong doings, who guided me to choose options wisely and who keeps on reminding me to stay grounded.

Sure we don’t have earthly possessions to boot or a huge house to show off. In fact, we have one residential home built inside a village which is narrow and chaotic. But we keep it to ourselves that we ain’t spending more than we can afford. And because of that, I have learned to value any single thing made or given to me.

I am blessed.