the arrow

The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I have just made a right choice.

There’s no point of return ‘cause I don’t want to return.

It will not be an easy feat from here on, as I am cutting my means of financial freedom and I am starting from scratch again but there’s no better timing than what I have in the moment.

I am glad that I made the decision because it means I am taking the risk to get better chances at life rather than being passive and just letting life pass me by. I am actively participating in life by thinking about new ways to reinvent myself, to ignite my passion with other things that I am capable to do.

I am putting on a brave face every time I think about being jobless ‘cause it’s my first time in a long time and yes, I do believe that it won’t take long.

I am particularly inspired these days when I heard about a Kdrama’s advice on a daughter who resigned from her 9-year-job  when the dad said “Beyonce wouldn’t gain immense success as a solo artist had she stayed as a Destiny’s child member!” and I agree. Without a doubt.

Most of the times we feel unsure are those times we are taking a pause to re evaluate the paths that we either continue or leave. An arrow cannot hit anything without being pulled back. I think I am in that phase where I pull myself back and aim where I want to land.

I have attained peace in knowing that I am under construction. I am at peace in knowing that I need to trust my process and be in it, every step of the way ‘cause this time in my life will never repeat again.

Aja!

PMY

I love you, Park Min Young!

I know I am taking this fangirling mood to the next level but I guess, it’s what every fangirl’s heart is all about. Gosh, at 31!

You admire someone because of their talent and you try to dig in deeper about their real life characters in the hopes that what you see is actually what you get in real life. PMY is not an exception. I have watched Netflix’s Busted and found her interesting.

I love her level of cool, unafraid to hold a snake, to touch something from a hole where you wouldn’t know what’s in there. She is a problem solver and she knows how to use her charms for her benefit. She seemed calm and collected, logical and funny at the same time. She was fun to watch.

After watching Busted, I began to search other works of her. I watched Healer, watched her interviews, watched BTS on her various dramas. I think she’s pretty and honest, two combination I am looking in someone to be fanatic with. Right now, she's with Park SeoJoon in their drama "what's wrong with Secretary kim" and while I love to see more of their chemistry in that show, I held back since I want to watch it completed in Korea.

Like every fangirl, I shipped her to her various co-stars. I like seeing her with Yeon Woojin the most because he’s shy. He looks like he has harbored secret feelings with her but afraid to let it all out so he always looked guarded and shy around her.

The thing about PMY though is, I really can’t see anything about her private affairs. Who she dated, Lee Min Ho being a big name but she never really bothered sharing about it. It’s hard to find out about her family too, her parents’ job, her sister’s face etc. She’s a huge mystery.

She seemed outgoing, contrary to her “upper class” aura. She loves to laugh a lot and when she smiles, it’s like a ray of sunshine on a gloomy day. Deep. haha

Like every fangirl’s heart, I wish to see her in real life.

Who knows? :D

my hands

Believe in yourself.

I always look at people with so much positivity and I hope to emulate it from them.

I am surrounded by people who are either desperate or anxious about getting ahead in life and with that, I feel the pressure to keep up as well. It’s like I am queueing for something which I am not so sure what is it about but I keep queueing because I don’t want to fall last, anyway.

Then I had quite a time for reflection and thought that maybe, I’m super conscious with keeping up with everyone that I lose sight of what I really wanted to pursue. Becoming safe by riding the tide with everyone else is good but in the long run, I don’t want to look back and say that I’ve wasted my time chasing something that did not really have a meaning to me.

It’s like I’m ordering a luxury bag. It is so trendy and I’m getting excited about it just because I would have it like everyone else but not really because I am not into it in the first place.

I realized that I need to find and pursue something that I am passionate about. Because in that way, I’d find my purpose, the meaning why I do things the way they are, and in the process, it will let me grow as a person with direction, and with that, I will be satisfied.

I want to be positive in my dealings with various turmoil, with long pauses that seemed like it’s the end, in the darkness that tries to blind me as if there’s no light. I want to have the hope that life will bring me to a greater high, and feel secured that I will see it through the end, no matter what.

I may not take the same route as everyone else and it may take longer than others, but I’d like to believe that I will get there eventually. And I have to keep my faith to make it happen.

Believe in yourself.

mine to make

My parents always told me, “Go for it, follow your dreams!”

And because I always hear it, it makes me braver to think that I can do just anything because I always have people who got my back.

I was not born wealthy but my parents never really took much emphasis on what we lack.

We don’t have much but we have enough.

Now that I earn my own money, I seem to go back and forth on who I was and who I wanted to be and it somehow creates a gap on how I perceive things.

For instance, I want to be a woman who has power, who is independent and who is brave to tackle life head on. However, to do that, I need to be a woman who has money. Money to have freedom to go after what she wants and to have the independence to go without asking help.

But when I look deeper and reflect on what’s essential in my life, I trace my roots on being just enough. I am fine with being who I was and I am more than okay to live like I used to.

I am in a state where I’m trying to figure out what is really important. To gain power to be somebody or to be just like everyone else.

When you’re somebody, you long to be like everyone else.

When you’re like everyone else, you long to be somebody.

My goal was to be somebody because I was like everyone else.

But somehow, when I was on my way to becoming somebody, I feel like I am putting  so much effort that I am losing the purpose of why I’m doing it in the first place.

I lost the reason why I’m trying so hard when I just wanted to be “happy”.

And I learned along the way that being somebody does not guarantee happiness.

As I look back, perhaps it explains why my parents never forced me to be anything.

They never forced me to learn piano, be an honour student, become a black belter in taekwondo or even be the best in Filipino if not, Math, (we know why! Haha) because early on, they knew that happiness does not come from titles.

When I think about it, my parents were very chill people who gave much importance on our behaviour rather than our achievements.

I excelled in school, but I never, not even once heard my Mom brag about me getting a medal. I knew she was proud but she keeps me grounded by telling me that it’s because I worked hard and not because I am above anyone else. And because I work hard, I was rewarded. I received a bicycle on my sixth grade and I am more than inspired to do better.

When I was having a hard time with my Analytic Geometry in my Industrial Engineering course, I did not hear them say anything other than “You can do it!”. When I shifted to a business course, I did not hear them say anything other than “go for it!”. The decisions were always mine to make and them to support.

Sure they gave me advice, but at the end of the day, the call falls on me.

And as I figure out what I really want to do with life, I go back to this train of thoughts, my memories that I am truly proud of. I realized I am putting so much pressure on myself partly because I want to make my parents proud but mostly because I want to be different. Either way, going to basic is knowing that they always have my back and it’s more than enough.

true wait

That agonizing feeling when you wait for your name to be called by your professor but praying endlessly that you won’t be the lucky winner for today’s oral recitation…

That excruciating feeling of being next to kick the ball in your sixth-grade kickball praying earnestly that somehow your feet will do some miracle and you’d hit it on the spot…

That extreme nervousness when you wait for the result of your medical test praying to every saint that your results will show negative…

…. Is the same feeling that I’m feeling while waiting for the result of my job interview.

I went to one last week and it was not easy.

Back then, when I had job interviews, the morning I’d look at the mirror and I knew I would be awesome that day. I have that level of confidence where I always think that I’ve got nothing to lose and it’s the company’s gain if they hire me.

It’s not as if I’m narcissistically drunk with the idea that I’m the best. In fact, I lack in so many aspects but when it comes to attitude, I know I’m more than enough.

Last week’s job interview, sounded like my one horrible interview few years back.

It was horrible because instead of being asked and assessed, I was judged in a way that I became so speechless.

Job interviews are supposed to be a two way thing but what happened way back made me feel insulted, humiliated and extremely caught off guard in a bad way. It was a borderline of a verbal abuse.

I knew then that the job was not for me. It’s like them telling me “we don’t need you”, and for the first time in a long time, I wanted to say “the feeling is VERY mutual, thank you very much.” It was a relief!

My interview last week reminded me of that terrible interview that the moment I stepped out and my friend messaged me “how did it go?” I am most convinced that I flunked it, anyway.

The interviewer seemed very authoritative. I was surprised that he asked about what my job scope was and when I answered him, he corrected me. In my mind, “wait, are you the one who’s in my body the whole time I was doing my job?”. He felt very condescending.

I was offered a salary lower than what I was getting because he said I needed to start from scratch. At one point, I tried so hard to maintain a poker face although I wanted to react in a way that is true and honest about my real thoughts. It was one of those horrible interviews, really.

I was praying, “God if this is not for me, please take it away. I don’t need it.”

I always believed that with waiting, the best is yet to come.

I just have to be patient and take my time instead of being anxious and worried and grab whatever comes my way. Fear is the lack of faith and I have to keep the faith, no matter what!

Aja!!!

lenient tendencies

I watched Miss Hammurabi last night and I downed about 5 episodes.

One line struck me most, it says, “you can’t compare the sorrow of the victim with that of the suspect.”

This is corresponding to sexual harassment in a workplace where the boss uses his power to intimidate the intern. The company ousted the boss notwithstanding that he was a top performer. The intern was painted to be oversensitive for the boss’ green “jokes” and that everyone was treated the same, the boss likes to joke with sexual innuendos and even sends messages to interns with a picture of his hairy chest. The boss asked for leniency in court since he is the breadwinner and he has kids to send to school.

The judges convened to make a decision and they take into consideration whether the termination of his employment was too harsh as punishment and they mentioned that while the termination means a death of the family, having no means for financial support, it does not make him less liable.

The sorrow that he and his family will be experiencing is a result of his intentional actions and the sorrow that the victim experiences is not a choice made by her. She was put into a sticky situation against her will and thus, she fought for it.

While this is from a Kdrama, I think that this is something very insightful.

When we think about it, in Filipino setting, the presumption of innocence is too big that even after conviction, we still think of leniency. I think this is because we have this notion that since time cannot be turned back, there is nothing we can do but forgive. And we take forgiveness in a whole new level. That level when we forget that the person who committed the crime can do it again to another victim. And the cycle goes on.

I am leaning towards the idea that justice is not really something that can be achieved by the human hands because our power is very limited. When I was a law student few years back, the more I read about cases, the more disappointed I became. There were so many cases where money resolves everything. Or if not, there are so many instances where the verdict takes forever, the victim already died while the case was being processed and the case was then  dismissed. Justice takes time, and when you drag it, only the wealthy can survive.

We always put ourselves in the shoes of the suspects, but not the victim. It seems that we glorify their acts by tolerating them, giving them the liberty to dodge harsher punishments.

While it is true that we are “tao lang, nagkakamali din” it doesn’t exempt one from being held accountable from the damage that he have caused. What about the victim? Her life will never be the same again. She will live in fear, in self-pity, in mixed emotions perhaps, from the trauma that she had experienced.

We live in the world with so many inconsistencies. We live with so much irony that the right can be wrong and the wrong can be right. Either way, we are all responsible for even our smallest decisions. The result of a miscalculation in judgment may be severe or light.

However, what is important is we always try to correct ourselves and move on from where we fell. Punishments should be corrective rather than condemning and leniency is given to those who sincerely and honestly exemplify remorse and not those who fake it to gain sympathy.

This is the power of Kdramas to me. Who would’ve thought? :D

catharsis

So I handed my resignation after a long deliberation.

It felt weird because the moment I gave the letter, I thought, “why did I take so long to just do it?” A sigh of relief escaped me. I felt light. I felt free.

I never expected that I’d feel much more alive now that I’m leaving.

The catharsis felt bigger than the worries of being jobless.

It is a liberating feeling to be removed from the shackles. I think I lost 5 years of my age! :D

Perhaps because there’s nothing really left more to do than to move on. I always mentioned about maximizing my potentials but I am not doing anything to make it happen and when I mustered the courage, it’s like a new door has finally opened to me.

Also, I ended my tenure on a lighter note. I was satisfied to come this far.

I have done everything I could, I did my best in every possible way.

I have paid my dues and for that, I have no regrets.

It is in knowing that some things are really not for you and you have to let go than force yourself in, thereby, disallowing growth.

I ended my tenure in knowing that it is the right time.

I was not dismissed, I was not in bad blood with anyone, I was not in a bad position to call it quits, rather, I made that choice and in doing so, I made an effort to salvage and try harder first before I decided to let go.

I am grateful that I was given the chance and I am extremely honoured to last for almost seven years. I am no quitter and I know in my heart that I was loyal enough to last for long.

I will bring home the countless memories that I have made, the indomitable values and lessons that I learned thru sweat and tears. As a woman, my experience empowered me. It tested my limits and stretched beyond my imagination, the will that I have in me.

My resignation was not thought overnight. I did went through a lot of hardships and struggles, extreme stress and anxiety and depression. But when I think about how far I’ve come from battling it all singlehandedly, I deserve a pat in the back that says, “you’ve done well.”

Now that I am free of this work commitment, I am happy to engage myself on new activities that I was too busy to even try before. I am looking forward to new things that I’m going to learn and having the time to do what I want.

My peace of mind and zest for life is priceless and no money can ever tap that. And for that, I will live well from here on.  Aja!

please venice to me 3

The next morning, I was up early!

I was getting excited with the idea of finally eating rice!

Yay!

We had a hearty breakfast and we head out much livelier than usual.

We went to the same route and managed to come out from the “maze” slightly faster than the day before.

We tried to ride on in a gondola but backed out the moment we heard it’s 80 euro per pax minimum. Instead, we opted to just ride the traghetto later in the afternoon, it will still cross a bridge, not San Marco though, but at least it crosses via canals. The feeling will still be there. Or so we hope. Hehe

We spent the time going into luxury shops, window shopping (mostly) and we checked out locally made gems. We bought some souvenirs and head to try an Italian restaurant tucked almost secretly in between narrow alleys. The good thing about Europe is that, wine is relatively cheaper compared to coke. We had a grand time just taking in the moment to sit there, chat and experience the venetian vibe.

My favourite part in Venice is the open space near the bridge of sighs. It’s this port where most gondolas are anchored. Across it is a vast canal overlooking the other side of Venice.

The beige coloured roof with somewhat a grandfather’s clock in it somewhat saying hi to us was extraordinary phenomenal.

I had the chance to sit there and watch people as they walk by. I lounged at the stairs, getting the sentimental vibe that I made it somehow, I was there, it was everything but a dream.

The weather went from cool to colder as it rained in the afternoon.

The clouds became darker and we bundled up since we are heading to our “almost gondola” ride. The rain grew heavier and we were forced to stop by at a coffee shop situated at the mouth of the long alley taking us to the port.

When the rain stopped, we head out and began to search for it relentlessly.  It was hard to find and lesser people stay in that area. After almost an hour, we managed to get into that port but much to our dismay, it was CLOSED.

It stopped operation at around 5pm. (Too bad!)  We were so disappointed to the point that we just took it to ourselves to have a photoshoot with the traghettos and gondolas anchored at that port as a sign of discontent. Haha

When we head back to our Airbnb house, it was darker than usual but we managed to traverse the “maze” more efficiently than the last.

All good things come to an end and we did bid Venice a farewell that night.

We had pasta for dinner that we ourselves prepared, some good wine to cheer and lots of beautiful memories made.

Venice is surely one place that makes you think about life being beautiful. VENICE was truly nice to me.

And for that, I am grateful.

please venice to me 2

The sun light creeps in the wooden window sills with glass panels and thick curtains.

I was disoriented when I opened my eyes. I remembered I was on the third floor of our Airbnb house in Venice.

I saw Anna still dozing off and J heading slowly for the bathroom with her towel.

“Ah, I have a few minutes more before I go to the shower.”

I lay there trying to sleep a bit more but the excitement on seeing Venice in daylight is just too strong to resist. My energy is back to 100% and I am visually imagining what I’d see when I step out of the house.

I got out of the bed and head for my luggage. “I guess I need to sort what I’m wearing for the couple of days that I’ll be here.” and for that day, I managed to pull on a sweater, a culottes and some scarf, later I will decide which coat to match it with.

I head on to the kitchen and sat there, just absentmindedly looking at what’s around me.

The Airbnb house was fully furnished with microwave and a refrigerator. Except for a RICE COOKER! The host was generous enough to include a pan griller though. “ah this is a good house!”, I reckon.

J went out from the bathroom and asked about the breakfast. I told her, I’m craving for rice in the morning and she laughed. (No, I wasn’t joking, I’ve been really feeling famished for lacking rice in this travel’s menu.) In Amsterdam, we mostly had yogurts for breakfast and coffee and I’m afraid we’d have yogurts every day in Venice as well. So I told J, we should go for groceries and buy rice! It was a deal. Hehe

A moment later, we all finished grooming and breakfast and waited no time to head out.

It’s a lovely day in Venice. The air is cool but the sun is out. What’s interesting in Venice is that, we are like in a giant maze where you need to successfully come out from it to see the particular place you have in mind. The alleys are narrow and so are the bridges that connect it. But in this maze were plethora of cafes and restaurants tucked intricately as if it’s a rest stop. We finally managed to get past the “maze” and for the first time laid our eyes at the grand canals.

One word: WOW! It was one of the most amazing places I have ever seen!

It was totally straight from a postcard.

With the connecting canals , countless gondolas, flashy speedboats fresh from that of Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp’s movie “the tourist”,  

Quaint cafes in al fresco as background… it was awe-inspiring!

There were literally people all over the place. Some happily resting while feeding some pigeons, others in huddles of groups enjoying some wine. There were clueless tourists following their guides and others like us, busy taking in the moment, wide-eyed and awestruck as if some giggling teenage girls getting excited over a new stuff.

Venice was truly magical. We spent the day going around shops and trying cafes.

We spent the day taking photos, covering each angle as if it’s the norm and looking around piazzas and secret places.

When we had a full, it was dark and we decided to go to the groceries first before coming home. We met a Filipino lady and had a chitchat with her, she helped me find where the bag of rice is. I was so happy. Haha

Heading back in the dark, entering the “maze” again was challenging. It was one of those moments where you try so hard to figure out which way to go so you can just go home and rest. The narrow alleys in daylight were narrower during the night. Carrying some heavy groceries on top of getting confused was a struggle. We stopped a couple of times as we ended up on to so many detours. We managed to find a local who can speak a bit of English and asked her about our location. She guided us to turn right when we should’ve turned right instead of turning left and going further from our house. Needless to say, it was an adventure, tiring but fun!

(for part 3.)

please VENICE to me

It was dark and air is cold. We arrived late after being left by a plane in Amsterdam.

The bus came to a complete stop. A woman’s voice on a speaker spoke Italian as if it was music.

“what? Is this the stop?” I asked. Then a friend said, “it must be.”

I have read earlier on, that Venice has this vehicle control system. The number of cars and buses are very limited and you have to take boats to places.

“This must be it!” I thought to myself.

We pulled our luggage where everyone were heading to and found out that we arrived in a water taxi terminal. Language was a bit of a barrier since not everyone can speak in English. And so we figured how to buy tickets for the boat from observing people as they come and go.

We were waiting for the boat and the terminal is lightly packed. We had time to look around and at first glance, I knew Venice is everything I imagined it to be.

With moonlight reflecting in the canals, it was a sight to behold. The gentle waves of the waters underneath the bridges and the light emanating from the fluorescent bulbs across the bridges were wonderful, or yes, magical, to say the least.

While on the boat, we noticed a woman speaking casually to her friend in Italian. Some words we did get like the words “Airbnb”, “Jeremy”. We sat there and looked amongst ourselves, “is she the one who will meet us?” however, it would be rude to just barge in their conversation and ask if she was waiting for us.

Earlier that morning, We had an unfortunate event in Amsterdam where we had to book a new flight since the airport that we went to was totally different from what we were supposed to go. (Ignorance is bliss. lol) We should have arrive in Venice a little over lunch but because of this mishap, we informed that we will be arriving past midnight. Our Airbnb host informed that he will have someone meet us at a certain terminal in Venice. So we thought, this lady could be the one.

When the boat reached our stop, the same lady said goodbye to her friend. Our guess grew stronger as she was asking around guys for the name “Jeremy” and yes, it’s my friend’s name! (who's a girl actually! lol) We approached her and asked if she was the one sent to meet us and she was relieved as we were!

We settled the night having to be guided to our Airbnb house.

It was a rough day in Amsterdam and the Venetian air got through us, somehow.

After rummaging the cupboards, checking the bathroom and inspecting the beds, we hurried to tuck into bed and decide to sort our activities the following morning.

Good night Venice!

(For Part 2.)

endings and beginnings

July 5 2018

(which is 4^th of July, US time. Happy Independence day!)

Today, I am handing my resignation.

After many sleepless nights, unending back and forth, constant spacing out… I have finally reached a point of surrender.

This is my 2^nd resignation in my 10 year span as an employee and in the same way as my first, my hands are cold and my heart is about to burst.

Perhaps because everywhere I look, reminds me of how I started in this company.

It is my first company and first job in the overseas and looking back, I can’t help but travel down my memory lane.

I am indebted to this company because it opened its door for me when I needed one place to stay. And for that I am eternally grateful.

However, as time passes by I can’t help but think about my development. Career-wise, I have been in the company for almost seven years but I never even stepped out from my initial position. I have gone through so many tough times trying to keep this job because it feeds me and pays my rent but as time goes by, I see that it only provides me temporary satisfaction and not the happiness that I longed for.

My vision of my future does not align with the vision that this company gives me anymore. And as much as I’d like to be safe and just be satisfied with that, I find that life becomes too bland if I settle for less than I deserved.  While I can keep my eyes shut and just go on, every single day feels like a chore that I need to complete and that I’m always on my toes, making me wonder whether this is all I can do for myself.

Call me idealistic but as I approach this aspect of my life without much backup plans, weirdly, it makes me feel light, free and peaceful. While others may call me dumb, this is one of those moments that I want to savor. This is one of those times that makes me turn to my auto pilot mode, stopping my mind from analyzing everything and making me murmur my silent prayers instead. Preparing for the worst, hoping for the best.

Perhaps this is what life wants me to learn, to find that ray of light even when I feel that darkness may envelope and swallow me wholly. It is teaching me to leap and try everything that I want to do, whether I succeed or fail, It is about being brave to pick up where I left off, starting all over again and finding that balance that I so longingly want to achieve.

Today, I handed my resignation in retreat. No more buts, ifs, what ifs. 

I don’t know what happens from this point on but that’s the thrill about ending something, it naturally makes you look forward to brighter beginnings ahead.

Aja!

why try

3rd of July, 2018

I’ve always wondered why I put myself in such stressful situations.

My family would tell me to just go home and take my time first but I listen to no one and just push what I think is good for me. So no matter how difficult my situation is, I always try to stick with my decision to just go for it.

I don’t even know why I’m trying so hard. So hard to the point of getting my face full of acne due to stress.

I can just chill out a bit and take my hiatus but I always fear getting bored.

With boredom, I have all the time to think and thinking is a disastrous activity that often lead me to depression.

Frankly, I’ve always thought that I am born special.

I fight for what I think is right because I can. I’m brave enough to see it through. My idea of who I am is someone strong and capable. I have this picture in my head of someone tough but gentle, chic and cool. Independent but candid. I always think of myself as that so when I think of quitting? Quitting has never been an option.

Let’s face it, the world we’re living in is fuelled by power and money.

It is not to say that these are what is REALLY essential to life, but having either or both can make your voice heard, can bridge gaps, can jumpstart your goals and can make the world seem smaller than it used to be.

With not having either or both? You are one of the crowd. Mediocre. Common.

And yes, I have to admit that the picture of me in my head is nowhere mediocre or common.

So why am I pushing so hard?

It is for this reason. 

heart to home

Whenever I think about home…

honestly, right now, I think about the problems.

I don’t want to be nega but I can’t help but cringe at the realities that I will be facing.

I am concerned about the discomfort of being surrounded by people who need help.

As much as I want to, I want to help others. If I have it, why not? I don’t live solely for myself BUT I am in a position where I need help myself. I am in that cliff as well, hanging by a thread. Trying to climb slowly while trying to hard to never look at the rapids below me.

The normal me would respond coolly to situations wherein someone approaches me and asks for something but I’m nothing but normal nowadays. I am off the grid and so I am very concerned about the pressures that it will do to me.

The least I’d want to hear are discouraging remarks that make me lose my zest to go on. I don’t want to hear problems because it sinks me. It pushes me to think black about life.

At the most, I’d just want to float. Float into my own brand of suspension. I want to have a time to think about what I really want to do with my life and to find peace within myself in waiting, and that it won’t be long to figure that out and go for it.

I want to be strengthened. I want to be in a shade of light that focuses on my goals. And this time, I won’t just follow blindly, once I figure out what I want, I will see it through the end. That much conviction and passion that has been missing out in my life.

I don’t want to be comfortable just because it’s safe. I want to be comfortable under my own skin. I want to take some time off to deal with my issues. I want to understand myself better. I did have the time to discover myself alone, but after 7 years, I am coming home to discover myself again with the ones I love.

I am praying though that the issues that haunt me before, won’t haunt me down again. Home is where the heart is, and I’m trying to put in that heart back to where it was.

Aja!