endings and beginnings

July 5 2018

(which is 4th of July, US time. Happy Independence day!)

Today, I am handing my resignation.

After many sleepless nights, unending back and forth, constant spacing out… I have finally reached a point of surrender.

This is my 2nd resignation in my 10 year span as an employee and in the same way as my first, my hands are cold and my heart is about to burst.

Perhaps because everywhere I look, reminds me of how I started in this company.
It is my first company and first job in the overseas and looking back, I can’t help but travel down my memory lane.

I am indebted to this company because it opened its door for me when I needed one place to stay. And for that I am eternally grateful.

However, as time passes by I can’t help but think about my development. Career-wise, I have been in the company for almost seven years but I never even stepped out from my initial position. I have gone through so many tough times trying to keep this job because it feeds me and pays my rent but as time goes by, I see that it only provides me temporary satisfaction and not the happiness that I longed for.

My vision of my future does not align with the vision that this company gives me anymore. And as much as I’d like to be safe and just be satisfied with that, I find that life becomes too bland if I settle for less than I deserved.  While I can keep my eyes shut and just go on, every single day feels like a chore that I need to complete and that I’m always on my toes, making me wonder whether this is all I can do for myself.

Call me idealistic but as I approach this aspect of my life without much backup plans, weirdly, it makes me feel light, free and peaceful. While others may call me dumb, this is one of those moments that I want to savor. This is one of those times that makes me turn to my auto pilot mode, stopping my mind from analyzing everything and making me murmur my silent prayers instead. Preparing for the worst, hoping for the best.

Perhaps this is what life wants me to learn, to find that ray of light even when I feel that darkness may envelope and swallow me wholly. It is teaching me to leap and try everything that I want to do, whether I succeed or fail, It is about being brave to pick up where I left off, starting all over again and finding that balance that I so longingly want to achieve.

Today, I handed my resignation in retreat. No more buts, ifs, what ifs. 

I don’t know what happens from this point on but that’s the thrill about ending something, it naturally makes you look forward to brighter beginnings ahead.


Aja!

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