mine to make

My parents always told me, “Go for it, follow your dreams!”

And because I always hear it, it makes me braver to think that I can do just anything because I always have people who got my back.

I was not born wealthy but my parents never really took much emphasis on what we lack.

We don’t have much but we have enough.

Now that I earn my own money, I seem to go back and forth on who I was and who I wanted to be and it somehow creates a gap on how I perceive things.

For instance, I want to be a woman who has power, who is independent and who is brave to tackle life head on. However, to do that, I need to be a woman who has money. Money to have freedom to go after what she wants and to have the independence to go without asking help.

But when I look deeper and reflect on what’s essential in my life, I trace my roots on being just enough. I am fine with being who I was and I am more than okay to live like I used to.

I am in a state where I’m trying to figure out what is really important. To gain power to be somebody or to be just like everyone else.

When you’re somebody, you long to be like everyone else.

When you’re like everyone else, you long to be somebody.

My goal was to be somebody because I was like everyone else.

But somehow, when I was on my way to becoming somebody, I feel like I am putting  so much effort that I am losing the purpose of why I’m doing it in the first place.

I lost the reason why I’m trying so hard when I just wanted to be “happy”.

And I learned along the way that being somebody does not guarantee happiness.

As I look back, perhaps it explains why my parents never forced me to be anything.

They never forced me to learn piano, be an honour student, become a black belter in taekwondo or even be the best in Filipino if not, Math, (we know why! Haha) because early on, they knew that happiness does not come from titles.

When I think about it, my parents were very chill people who gave much importance on our behaviour rather than our achievements.

I excelled in school, but I never, not even once heard my Mom brag about me getting a medal. I knew she was proud but she keeps me grounded by telling me that it’s because I worked hard and not because I am above anyone else. And because I work hard, I was rewarded. I received a bicycle on my sixth grade and I am more than inspired to do better.

When I was having a hard time with my Analytic Geometry in my Industrial Engineering course, I did not hear them say anything other than “You can do it!”. When I shifted to a business course, I did not hear them say anything other than “go for it!”. The decisions were always mine to make and them to support.

Sure they gave me advice, but at the end of the day, the call falls on me.

And as I figure out what I really want to do with life, I go back to this train of thoughts, my memories that I am truly proud of. I realized I am putting so much pressure on myself partly because I want to make my parents proud but mostly because I want to be different. Either way, going to basic is knowing that they always have my back and it’s more than enough.