truths about coming home for good

Moving back was not an easy decision. It took me years to finally say goodbye to the life that I made and have been living by. These are the lessons that I have learned in time. These are the hard truths about OFWs going back home.

Things I have learned after I moved back home:

1)    Appreciate kindness

I seem to take for granted simple joys like receiving a piece of chocolate from friends because I can afford to buy a box previously. I seem not to notice minute details of kindness before because I grew accustomed to grand displays of kindness like gifting a friend her favorite watch or contributing money to buy her most-eyed jewelry. But the more I have less, the more I appreciate acts of kindness. There is no big or small in any acts of kindness.

2)    Enjoy the little things

I appreciate a walk, fresh air fanning my face or even spending time in the arcade. I always thought traveling was my passion until I have less means to do so. I still like traveling to Paris or picnics in Seoul but I also like the beach, the road trips to Buda, the impromptu trip to Mati. I also like going for a night drive to San Pedro Street. It is a good idea to savor the moments while you have it.

3)    Spend quality time

I have not been around for few years and things have changed tremendously. The traffic, the unfamiliarity of people who pass me by, the frequency of the bad weather. Back then, there is none or less if I may say so. Being home reminded me that nothing lasts forever and so it is best to take in as much experiences as I can, be with my family and the friends that I cherish with to make up for the lost times.

4)    Save a lot

When you work overseas, you really have to save every dime. Be comfortable with having less or more money. The spending patterns should not change drastically. When I was in the overseas, I was a spendthrift with material things. My thought was I don’t own a house back home, so where would I put the material things that I accumulated? I spent on experiences because memories last unless I have an amnesia. If you have a house, make purchases that would last, it’s good as a future investment.

5)    Invest in your own personal space

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. Coming home after being independent was a difficult process. My adjustment was suave but rough on the edges at times. As a grown woman, I don’t think it is a good idea to live with your family again. Do not get me wrong, I love my family and I am very close with them but personally, I am best to live alone because I want to live at my own pace. I have been living independently and I grew accustomed to my own rules and time, so when I came back, the people around me expected me to be the same me. I was not. I am more laidback and borderline lazy now, not the same energetic with raging hormones-kind of teenager. It is a difficult task to make people understand that I was not the same ME in terms of personal space and preferences.

There are more lessons that I have learned while being here. I feel as though I am back here with fresh eyes. There are some things that I cannot relate to, those trivial things that remain trivial because I do not WANT to care about them.

If I have an unsolicited advice to give, it would be: For single GROWN WOMEN like me, I would save up really hard before going home. I will buy my own house first and try to settle it before I come home. Make it a place entirely for myself, one that matches my personality best so that when I come home, I’d come home to same brand of personal space that I grew accustomed of in the overseas.

Coming home for good is never easy. Before you decide to come home for good, prepare yourself--- possibly for the worst: for the joblessness and most especially the financial difficulty. It is not easy to come home without MONEY or less money because your bank account will shrink over time inevitably.

Lastly, prepare your mental and emotional state, there will be hopelessness, withdrawal, denial or even depression. You won’t be earning much more than what you earned in the overseas. Or worst, you will have no means of income. You can also apply for a job here first before you come home. I wanted to rest for a year so I did not apply to anything at all until I was alarmed to see the decreasing digits on my bank account! (LOL) from then on, I took on online jobs. They don’t pay as much but at least it can supplement my other needs.

Most OFWs come home bongga until they bleed dry with nothing but old glory. Come home steadily. Calm as the morning breeze, I swear, you’ll bleed dry longer! :P

Life for Room 12

I just arrived from SPMC where my lola is currently admitted in for further observations from having a very high fever with chills. It was my first time visiting the hospital and I was surprised.


In the lobby, I found patients’ bed with dextrose hooked up. Walking along the hallway, reminded me so much about those indie movies with rustic scenes taken in a building with crowded hallways.  As I went further and looked for the room, I found small adjacent rooms labeled “for watchers”. Peeking, I saw a group of people lying inside, some sitting while chatting with others, sleeping bags and individual blankets lined up to the mouth of the doors. 

Room 12.

I entered the room and found my lola lying in. She's in good spirits whilst being sick. I asked for her hand for me to bless and asked if she's okay. She smiled and said, it's hot. I agreed. 

In that room were 5 beds. Next to my Lola is someone trying his best to breathe with an apparatus. The breathing sounds like a whistle, with the visible struggle of the ups and downs of the chest. Near the barricaded window was someone with an intubation, a monitor and colour coded tubes. Next to her, is an old lady with dextrose but definitely in better condition than her nearest neighbour. She smiled when she saw me, I smiled back. The bed opposite my lola was empty.

I was instructed by my mom to do some errands. I went down to do Philheath application on my Lola's behalf.

I went back shortly and found people outside the door. Puzzled I peeked, the one near the window finally said goodbye. She looked like someone who struggled to have her last breath, her neck is arched in a way as if to try and get some air. Her family, in tears surrounded her. They have previously decided not to resuscitate her and let her have a peaceful rest. Some family members waited outside and I quietly stood beside them. They shared their patient's illness and I found out it was the Big C. I said my condolences and kept quiet. 

Minutes later, the nurses rush in the same room. I grew curious why and later found out that the one next to my Lola also expired. Just a small window of interval. A race against time. I saw the same face, the struggle to breathe and yet, failing. In that span of time, I saw life as a fleeting gift.

In room 12, 2 lives are lost before my very eyes, within half a day. I later learnt the empty bed across my Lola also expired before I arrived.

As I pondered, I saw the cycle of life firsthand. I have heard the struggles of the families and witnessed the struggles of the patient fighting for their lives. In the end it boils down to us being mere mortals, and when we finally reach an end of that mortality contract, we’re left fully swaddled by just a piece of cloth, transported through a metal stretcher.

Photo by tvtropes.org

What we all become is just a piece of "was a living being".

In that moment, I found that life is a delicate balance and when we lose some aspect of how we normally function, we cease to exist.

 Witnessing these scenarios humbled me. I am nothing in the face of death and this idea alone made me appreciate my NOW. It made me yearn to live earnestly, so when time comes, I have no regrets of the life I lived.

Life is beautiful because it is fleeting. It makes me look forward to a more meaningful and purposeful"in-betweens". That is, the point from where I was born and the point before I die.

Foot prints

I have to admit that solo traveling is a bit challenging for me. Previously, when i travel and look back i began to think about how wonderful it is to finally see sights with someone. I daydream about how fulfilling it is to experience new places with someone special. That thought deepens with me feeling a bit lonely in the end. However, being here in cebu alone made me compare my thoughts. I still daydream about having somebody but more likely, i get to contemplate about being fulfilled as it is. The fact that you can travel, is alone a milestone. How many of us would want to travel regardless of conditions. I heard friends saying, i am okay with anything as long as i can travel. Or friends saying, "may paka sige kag travel, if naa lang ko money, i will travel, bahala dira".

Back then, i feel pride that i get to travel but when i'm at a place, the loneliness creeps its way. When i came home for good, i realized how special it was to travel. Travel because i wanted to, travel because i can easily do so.

As my means to travel decreases, my gratitude towards having the opportunity to do so previously catapulted into magnanimous appreciation.

I appreciated more that i experienced that in my 20s. I appreciated more that i was given the chance. I appreciated my family for always supporting me. I appreciated my friends for cheering me up. I appreciated myself for letting it happen. Just these little things combined together makes a great impact for who i am and what i am capable of.

In my nothingness now, i saw the bigger picture of things. In my nothingness, i am motivated to leap even higher.

Through this, i am able to reaffirm how powerful our self love should be. When we love ourselves, we are fine playing by ourselves. We became kinder to ourselves and not beat our minds trying to change who we are just to conform.

When i travel, i learn to value how great of a duty my self-preservation is. I am not easily swayed by wealth or smooth talks. I defy people who unabashedly display their worth based on the goods they wear or the money they purport to have. The True essence of a being always comes from the basics. How pure our soul is, how positive our mindset is, these are the wealth that make us more valuable.

As i travel now, i am deeply humbled. I am not in it to look for something or someone i don't have or yet. I am in it, as a being. PRESENT. LIVING IN THE MOMENT. I walk the face of the earth and put my mark, no matter how futile to leave these marks, i did it anyway. 

new waters

I’m thankful for this chance to be with my family for a longer time.

I have never been home this long for the last seven years and in those years of absence, so many things have changed. When I arrived, my youngest nephew asked Mama who I was.

Whaaaaat?! Seriously?

And within weeks, I found myself being followed everywhere by this lil munchkin. He’s always asking me whether I will sleep at their house with him. When I go to their house, he clings to me like a magnet does to metals. And seriously, it makes my heart swell with joy and love.

At home, my parents always ask me what I like to eat. They have been constant in nagging me to eat more to be healthy. Whaaaaat? What about my diet?

It makes me feel like I just went back to being high school again when I have been to different parts in the world and surpassed so many challenges alongside being alone in the overseas. It makes me laugh at times, because I have always deemed myself as a strong and independent woman but whenever I am home, I am just “Lovely”, my parents’ youngest daughter.

My sister on the other hand, makes me feel so young. I have always deemed myself “capable” … I stick to my own rules and make sound judgments, I make my own plans and execute them but to my sister, all my rules were nothing but unnecessary restrictions. It makes me laugh and frustrated at the same time, to depend my decisions over the mere issue of transportation. Why can’t I drive?

Being at home made me see so many sides of my family that I seem to underestimate.

Back in the overseas, I am the rock, the captain to my own ship while here at home, I am a constituent, a resident of bahay ni Kuya. I follow their rules. I compromise. I waver.

Ultimately, I have seen how my parents are growing old and how their worries about their old age seem to get the best of them sometimes. Growing up, I have always seen them invincible and now, the cracks are beginning to show due to time.

I realized that I need to start taking responsibility for my family. And by that comes the decision to challenge myself to come to greater heights so I can bring my family with me.

I am grateful that I have this chance. I am blessed to share this moment with less worries about myself because my goal for my family is bigger than myself.

As I stay in Davao, I have sort out the need to leap again. I have always been hesitant to trod new waters because I am leaving behind my beloved family but no matter what, they are always behind me and whatever path I choose is the path they are choosing for me. And for that, I am extremely grateful.