Waking up

I remember the horror I felt.

I was strapped into a hospital bed and made ready for the vaccine. The doctor, with his white lab coat, grabbed the vial and plunged the syringe into it. Laying down, the lights were blinding, and my vision was full of whites. “This is just a booster”, exclaimed my mind while my hands tried to be free. The weird thing was, “how come I would be injected in my left middle toe?”

 I calmed myself down until I felt the syringe deep into my toe. The liquid might have done something to my system. I was shaking uncontrollably and was hyperventilating. At one point, I was there panicking with short heavy breaths. “This could be my last”, I resigned to the fact.

“When I wake up in the morning, love…” There goes my alarm!

Whoo! The relief! It was just a dream.

I slowly got up and said a little prayer. At that moment, I was enveloped with gratefulness.

Waking up is always a miracle. Sometimes when you feel like your current life’s chapter becomes dragging, don’t dwell on it. Remember that not everyone gets the chance to see another day.

The most valuable reject

I’m no stranger to rejections.

Rejections are something that I must go through to grow.

There are rejections coming from personal relations where the first cut is always the deepest. Rejections start during childhood – when my only friend got a new best friend or when my group realizes they don’t need me anymore. It could also be the time when my playmates decide to kick me out of the game. As I grow, rejections evolve into something more. It hides in the face of my ultimate crush finally getting his first girlfriend. It manifests in the relationships I almost had. Rejection is also when, no matter how hard I try to patch things up with someone, things just don’t work as they are supposed to.

 And then, there’s rejection coming from my professional experience. I’ve probably had countless interviews that I failed to pass. For what reason? I have no idea.

I’ve done the good and the bad when it comes to interviews. Good is when I scan and browse the company’s website. Read about what they do, if not what makes them special. I do my research, take notes, and get the context clues for when the interview deepens, all those little details come in handy.

 I have done the bad. Scan the website nonchalantly. Expect nothing more because, from the get-go, my efforts were nothing compared to my competitors. As time passes by, I learned when to expect rejection and when to keep my hopes up. Sadly, sometimes, they just don’t seem to add up. It hurts most when I have given 100% and end up not getting that promotion, not even a step closer to the proverbial ladder of professional success.

 In hindsight, rejection offers awareness. I realize how fate is being played out, it’s unpredictable. I am aware that things may not turn out the way I expected them to. When I confidently say, it’s in the bag, a few seconds after, it really is not. I realize how little details affect the gravity of the outcome. I can determine that in my pursuits, although I have given 100%, it may only amount to 5% in other people’s eyes. Do I have a hold on that? The answer would be a flat no.

 As time goes by, I have learned how rejection offers the opportunity to try again. When things don’t go out as planned, I won’t mope around the idea of not being selected, for the whole day. (Or okay, I may mope for an hour and be done with it) Rejection means I have attempted something and this something may move my mark one step closer to the goal. The mere attempt is already growth because along with it are the virtues that I mustered to make that single attempt happen. It also teaches me perseverance. Do you know that feeling when your shoes are new? You get blisters but the more you wear them, the blisters disappear. You get used to them. It’s tricky to say that I would get used to rejection because that’s not the goal. The goal is always to stand up after every rejection.

 I remembered a dear friend of mine back when I had a really hard time. I asked her, “what made you this strong?”. She replied, “You know, I had so many family issues to deal with when I was younger. The problems I have now do not necessarily compare!” The pitfalls were what our storylines sound more compelling. With rejection, one rejection would not kill you. With plenty of rejections, you either decide to give up or continue and make those your ticket to the long-shot ride to success.

With rejection comes acceptance. This has got to be the most difficult part of the rejection. When you assess what went wrong, what you lack, or what they failed to see in you. With acceptance comes humility that we may lack something or is not the person they were necessarily looking for. With my rejections, I learned to accept that while I may not be enough for them, somewhere, somehow, I may be more than enough for someone else.

Thinking thongs

Invest in experiences, they said.

I just think that this does not only apply to having grand holidays or trying out culinary masterpieces. It also applies to the most basic, most mundane, and most ordinary ways we conduct our business. For me, it happened to be the intimates.

For the grand scheme of superlatives, I would say “conservative”, not plain (because plain means dull and empty and I am neither of those.) I have a rather conservative approach to the things that I’d usually go for. I normally go for the safe fashion. Plain white Ts paired with jeans and a reliable pair of sneakers. Of course, it stretches to common underwear. The type of which you’d mistake it for your grandma’s. But for the first time, I have tread on a rather adventurous style. I have tried thongs!

Never in my wildest dreams, did I spend a minute wondering how I would look in it.

I tried wearing thongs for curiosity. I found it funny, bare bum and all. But thongs, I quite realized offer a different vibe. For one, I never felt so empowered while wearing it. It’s as though I have reached a new level of kickassness. It's like when someone tells me that I wear the same turtleneck every day… Who cares? Underneath it is my dope thongs! Two, wearing a thong gave me divine confidence. I have never been the type to dwell in the mirror and look at my body. I think that my curves are not in the right places, so to speak. But for the first time, I have never been more interested in my bum. I thought to myself how it’s not so bad as I pictured it in my mind. Lastly, thongs gave me an opportunity to be grateful. I have a body and that’s what matters!

Through my thong-wearing activity, I pondered how we think of ourselves as though we’re two-dimensional characters. Like we only ought to be measured by two faces. We allow people to have a say on how we do or look- front and back. Most regrettably are that we allow them to affect us in ways that we begin to doubt who we truly are. We often forget that we are beyond their initial understanding. It is essential to look at ourselves and realize that we amount to something more than what they picture us in their heads. More importantly, it is imperative to understand that we are more than that person in our heads, boxed in the limits of what we are capable of.

We are often guilty of self-sabotage. We compare ourselves to those we think have more than what we have. It’s a constant cycle of looking at other’s plates as full and highlighting our plate’s lack. We refuse to see that having the plate is already a blessing. My thongs taught me to appreciate that I have a body to which thongs can be worn. Isn’t that amazing? 

I guess it really doesn’t take a thrill-seeker to hike Kilimanjaro or dive the great barrier reef to be in for the experience. The same guts are required to try out new undies! Are you up for the challenge of potential discomfort or remain comfortable with your conventions? You decide.

The Ant

I have always been trying… trying so hard

Trying so hard to control things.

In school, I give my all. I like school because I can see visible results in the form of grades. I like that when I do my best and spend sleepless nights to draft, write and re-write papers… I get good results. But sometimes, not. It makes me feel demotivated.

In my relationships, I give myself. I give time, money and effort to be present. I give friendships time to connect, reconnect and relive the good old days. I invest in friendships. I make sure that I am a call away, regardless of the distance. 

At work, I give 101%. No, make it 120%. While I like showing up, work sometimes do not give me the autonomy to be creative. I know I have the potential but work only requires compliance and not creativity. I like to work but I don’t like the things that come with it. The deadlines, the daily grind and above all, the minimal room to showcase what I actually got.

In all of these, I think that I put myself all in. I make the adjustments, sacrifice some things and push myself to achieve what I aimed to do. However, oftentimes I succumb to exhaustion. You know that feeling when you climb so hard and yet never reaching the pinnacle? It has always been like that for me. I feel like I try so hard and still do not reach what I truly envisioned.

I used to think that I got everything planned out. What I want, I can imagine it. I can taste even the drop of celebratory champagne. But… imagination and reality hits differently. When frustrated, I go back to that tunnel-like limbo. Why am I doing this? Is this what it really is? Will my life only amount to this? 

I know some of the best things in my life has not happened yet. I am yet to fall in love. REAL hard. I am yet to marry, to have kids, to create a little family of my own. I am yet to own a house, my first car, my first stocks. It makes me really excited to do and have all these. However, I feel like my hard work is at least worth 10 kilometers forward but in the end, it still amounts to 500 meters. 

What is exactly my point here?

My point is,  sometimes I may relentlessly work so hard to achieve my goals but I may never realize what I envisioned. And that is okay. It is okay because there will always be something better than what I imagined. The best will be worth the wait.

Looking good

To people who say that looks are not everything, you are right! 

But looks could mean a lot.

Why do I say this?

A few years ago, I had a severe acne breakout. It was so bad that one day a woman came to me and told me my face looks rather pitiful.

I could not find any justification for what she did. I know her intentions might be of concern or to preach something that could solve my problem but whatever she said did not register because I was so consumed by the thought that someone took notice of how bad it looked.

My confidence at that time was already low and her observation sank it further. I’ve had days when looking at the mirror stresses me out. I’ve had days when meeting friends did not seem appealing because I was too embarrassed. I’ve had days when my mood falters and leaves me in total disarray. I tried uplifting myself about how temporary my acne was but deep inside, I knew the scars were permanent. 

I’ve decided to consult Singapore specialists on skin and allergies. I did not budge about the costs because my confidence mattered more. I thought that money could be earned but my self-esteem can never be restored if my face continues to be hideously irritated. There, I’ve been prescribed pills, topical ointments and advised to change everything from hair products to facial wash.

The routine took more than six months. But after six months, there were no visible results. I took it upon myself to unload baggage of stress because I knew that medicines could not completely help me.

Call me crazy but in the name of looks, the biggest decision I had to make was to quit my job. It was a painful pill to swallow but it was the main cause of all my stress. I had to do it.

It’s so easy to say that looks are not everything especially when you have the looks and have had no problems with your skin, hair, etc. To some, they find it shallow to stress on looks. I used to do that too. But when I had severe acne, I say looks have a huge contribution to my self-esteem.

Other people wouldn’t notice how nice or polite you are just by the look of it. People have first impressions and when you look “pitiful” or hideously groomed, you just don’t look the part of someone neat and organized.

Nowadays, when people tell me they removed a mole or get their nose done, etc., I don’t see anything wrong with that. You do whatever pleases you. If that makes you more confident and adds value to how you see yourself, do it. 

Your lane

Stay in your lane.

Oftentimes, we compare ourselves with how fast other’s lanes have become. Instead of being happy for them, we are swallowed by bitterness and jealousy that they get to be there first. But which “there” exactly?

What we don’t realize is the fact that getting “there” could mean anything. The destination or oftentimes, success could mean a lot of things. To some, success means having the ability to breathe normally without any apparatus or support from machines. To others, success could mean being with family after working abroad for years. Some would view success as conceiving children after trying for a long time. Others would equate success to accomplishments, having a six-figure job that could lift their purchasing powers.

While we are so busy minding others’ lanes, we forget that our lane is where we are supposed to be. It is a lane that was given to us because of our temperaments, personalities, ability to handle stress, physical stamina, and so on. 

There’s a thin line between admiration and jealousy. Oftentimes, we hit that spot just because we feel like they are all getting ahead while we’re stuck down to our old, boring lane.

It is so easy to compare what we lack without realizing that we have every formula for our definition of success. It is so easy to fall into the trap of other’s expectations. We are convinced that getting ”there” is generic for everyone. We like having to fit into that mold. It makes us powerful, special, and competent. 

But if we break down what it means to get “there”, is it seeing ourselves into that podium? Is it belonging to that group? Is it getting on to that lane and be like everyone else?

I dare say, we need to evaluate our strengths. We need to have faith in ourselves a little more. So what if it takes a longer time? So what if progress is rather slow? 

We need to realize that a sparkly destination is nothing if we do not enjoy the process of getting there. 

FRIENDS

I am so damn late!

Like all else in my life, I am late even as a fan of FRIENDS! You heard me. I have just become a fan of this show. Imagine, it’s been around since the 1990s and I just had the opportunity to sit down and watch it uninterrupted?

It’s never too late, they said. Yes! I get to post snippets from the show, appreciate the OSTs and best of all, discern who I am similar with. Was it Rachel, a go-getter who claimed her independence by earning what she eats? Was it Monica, highly competitive, obsessive-compulsive? Was it Phoebe, just funny and weird but real? Was it Joey, loyal and dependable to his friends? Was it Ross, intelligent but impractical at times? OR.. Chandler, self-proclaimed pessimist but loving?

I am guessing I am a little bit of all of them. Or at least, that’s what I think. But if there’s a favorite, I would love to be Phoebe. She doesn’t have a care in the world. She’s weird. She almost always has strange ideas and justifications. She’s sometimes dumb. But she has a big heart. Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? See? She has the biggest of hearts to be too concerned about cats,how much more about mankind?

What I love about this show, albeit the late discovery, is that it cheers me up. There’s this certain lift of emotions every time I watch. For example, there’s this day that I am feeling irritable. I am simply out of the mood. I watched FRIENDS and halfway towards an episode, my mood has been lifted!

I’m taking a mental note to remember this show on days that I feel down. It will help boost my enthusiasm.

My major takeaway from this show is that friends are really your chosen family. You don’t have to be blood related to feel closeness. You just have to be a friend and true friends will find you. I like that it also shows the realities of friendships such as being jealous or possessive of your friends, having arguments and conflicts, swapping boyfriends and beaus. Haha

Anyway, nevermind me being late in giving my full attention to this show. It’s better late than never! Teehee!