2014

2014…

I am thankful for the chances. I am thankful for breaks. I am thankful for kindness. I am thankful for good health. Most of all, I am thankful for the people who love and believe in me.

I have gone through a lot this year. It has always been me against my personal demons. Those thoughts that suck up my energy in no time. I have undergone major turbulence that left me breathless and helpless. I have gone through doors closing in front of my face. Pain after pain. Struggle after struggle.

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It has been an eventful year for my career as when all else have accelerated, I was going through a meltdown. I have been hopelessly thinking of quitting, of starting new, of going after what I want to do and drowned in confusion, even questioning my own capabilities. I have been crying in the shower not wanting to show all my frustrations in public. I have been doing my own therapy, and thus the amount of blogposts.

I have never been so sad because I felt lonely. My thoughts this year was that, I NEED TO STAND UP even if it meant standing alone. It’s a tremendous year with all my personal battles. I’ve never felt so alone, enduring, tormenting, agonizing episodes of personal torture.

But yet, through it all, it is true, when you’re going through hell, keep going.

I found myself just continuing… less thoughts, more prayers.

Wrapping it up, I think everything I’ve experienced taught me a lot about myself.

When I was about to give up, I told myself, hang on tight. Hold on keep still because it will pass. As the ride continued to be rough, I promised myself to let go once I cannot take it anymore. You see, patience is something that you try to achieve first before surrendering. When I thought about the time that I need to let go, I grew anxious but moreso, relieved. I know that God will never forsake me. And then the ride went bearable.

When I was about to say “f*ck it, I’m not doing this anymore” I was given a reason to. I looked forward for breaks because it made me more human. Life is not always about sacrifices and pain, there’s joy and excitement as well, a light at the end of the tunnel.

When I was about to say “I quit!” I was pushed to see the reason why I need to stay. I valued time and memories. I know that I need to enjoy this phase as I am not going back to this again. In life, there is always PLAY, PAUSE, STOP but no REWIND.

When I was about too say “A****LE” to a person that at one point, I despised so much that I wished he’d trip over the stairs… I was reminded that Life is like a wheel. And maybe when I reach to his point of power, I wouldn’t want someone cursing me to trip in the stairs, through a poop or whatever, just because she despised me. I’ll just wish for Karma to take her cue then. Haha

To say the least, 2014 has been memorable. Despite the battles, I am happy. Happy to have been taught a lot about life. Happy to have been given chances. Happy to know that the windows are opened in spite of the doors closed. Happy to be alive and make more colourful memories ahead of me.

Finally, I realized that happiness is a choice. And because it’s a choice, it requires a lot of effort to WORK OUT. We are toppled by negative thoughts and fate may hurl hurtful events and mishaps, but God will always make sure we’ll get by, by sending so many little blessings.

Aja!