spies

Paunawa: Ang susunod na lathala ay hango sa Showbiz :)

I recently saw the wedding pictures of Rachelle Ann Go and her new hubby, Mr. Spies.

A few years ago, I was empathizing with Rachelle, as a single lady who was often asked about her love life. (She broke up with John Prats during that time). She then went on to follow her dreams and put a mark on theatre for Filipinos for the second time as Miss Saigon- West end’s,  Gigi.

I silently followed her career  from then on. I am not a big fan but I am neither a hater. I just liked the thought of her going overseas to follow her dreams, that to me, is a cool thing to do.

I admire her when I saw how involved she was with her Church. I learned she’s a Christian.

She offered her voice as a choir member, singing God’s praises in London. She’s often captured passionately attending church.

I thought, As she was conquering her dreams, she remained faithful.

And it’s a great thing cause we all know there’s a huge deal of temptations once you are in abroad, how much more, the temptations with her given exposure in Europe.

Then one day, I saw a post of her and a new guy. Fast forward to 2018, That guy happened to be her now-hubby Mr. Spies.

As I look at their wedding photos, I can’t help but feel humbled that, someday, someone will really come into your life no matter how busy you may get. I feel great in knowing that, she did not need to give up anything that she wants to do and followed her dreams and found love too, in the end. I think that when God really wants you to be with someone, He will give you what you truly deserve.

A few years ago, I gave up with the idea of an everlasting love. The thing which made me believe it was shattered before my eyes and I just felt disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in love. I believe that it exists but I don’t believe in the commitment that a person offers it with.

I believe in the reality that people’s minds are so dynamic, and that it changes with time.

Those who promised to commit forever, are ironically those who cut it off just because they fell out of love. In love, there’s always one who gives more and hurts more in the end.

As I look at their photos, I just really want to believe that everlasting love exists.

And maybe, the person that I am to be with is someone that God really wants me to have.

I want to believe that the person who will be trying to convince me with his commitment is the same person who God sent me to change my heart and my ideals about what love truly is.

It made me think about working out on my trust and faith in God more. Not because I am asking for Him to send me someone but for me to be content in knowing that I am not alone.

Looking at happy couples, made me think about His perfect timing.

It made me solidify that my thoughts on pursuing my dreams are not hindrances to find love. Because what I’m certain is that, when it comes, It comes. --- Oh and that's not Showbiz!

they won't win

“Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over”

Crowded house’s song, “Don’t dream it’s over “came into mind when I came across a post in Facebook whereby a guy confessed about his regret on not being able to listen to what his friend wants to say for the last time. The friend committed suicide the day after their hike due to depression. He mentioned, if anyone has the gift or words, please use it to save someone’s life.

It’s TRUE.

Sometimes, words can be very powerful. It either breaks you or lifts you.

I remembered an instance wherein I was on my lowest and I felt so hopeless.

It was here in Singapore. About 3-4 years ago.

I had so many problems working around how I’m going to move on from where I was. I was deeply worried about so many things in my life that it affected me because it makes everything I do fade. I reached a point that I just wanted out. I had no zest to go on. I knew then that I was in a sh*thole and it’s swallowing me alive.

I tried talking to friends, but every time I attempt sharing part of my problems, I would back out ‘cause I’d feel uncomfortable. I reckon, we all have problems and my problems will just worsen theirs. I even solicited the help of a therapist but it did not push through. I just kept quiet. The days began to grow longer because I can’t seem to fall asleep.

I knew I was down to nowhere. My thoughts have become livid, hopeless even.

You see, I appear to be happy and secured but deep inside, I was wallowing with insecurities, worries and anxiety. I was lonely and the more I think about it, the more upset I become.

I even questioned why we are born if we are to suffer. It just isn’t right.

I’d spend so many waking hours thinking and THINKING MADE IT WORSE.

I saw an opportunity to share what I thought to a friend. It was accidental as we were talking about our Singapore life. Honestly, I was not too keen talking about my problems with her, (or any friend for that matter) because I knew she would just tell me to attend prayer meetings. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against all these meetings but suggesting it to friends who are going through tough times isn’t really that helpful. (Why? Because it kind of questions their faith and their practices. IMO.) However, when I opened up to this friend… I was surprised she didn’t say anything. She listened and listened until I told her that she can tell me what she thinks about it.

She told me, “I don’t really see a reason why you are being hard on yourself. You are more than what you think you are”. She then went on to tell me quite honestly how surprised she was, she said, “As a third person, as a spectator, I admire you so much.”

Those words strengthened me. A new perspective has been put in sight, her telling me how blessed I am to be what I am? It’s uplifting. She reminded me that God is bigger than all the problems combined. I just need to remember that.

Then I thought to myself, Hey, if this person would see me as this special, then I might have really just underestimated myself. I thought that maybe, the very person pulling me down is myself because I have not seen my own worth. My value as a person is not dictated by my failures or the mistakes that I’m going to commit in the future, but my will to carry on. I was not changed overnight but it did tickle me to examine my faith both to God and myself.

“Hey now, hey now,

When the world comes in

They come, they come

To build a wall between us”

… it indeed comes in and dumps you to the ground at once, it’s then a matter whether you pick yourself up, dust your butt off and move on or give up.

But these days, whenever I feel down, I just think about the better days. Life has its own season. I need to let go of my expectations and just accept that when the time is right, the spotlight will be on me.

When I think of friends going through difficult times, I don’t ask why. I knew first-hand that it is not a good question, I just keep quiet and offer a prayer with them. I want to be a source of comfort, no judgments, just listening ears and compassionate heart to understand. Friends should cheer each other on, no matter what.

As for myself, I am thankful that I have allowed myself to open up and I am more thankful that I was heard. Looking back, it happened because it taught me a lesson….

“We know they won't win.”

reasonable

Simplifying my life by quitting unnecessary habits that pull down my art of saving.

But really, what is there to quit?

I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I eat in minimum.

Do I even shop?

I’m evaluating where I could possibly save a few bucks more.

And it says, quit traveling.

Sigh.

The thing is, it’s my simple joy.

It energizes me as if it is a reset button. It’s a booster. It’s the thing that I look forward to, esp in my most difficult position.

If I quit it, I don’t think I’ll be happy.

Others who don’t know me think of me as “high maintenance” and really, I laugh at this term.

My choices are fairly well. I’d love luxury if I can afford it, maybe once in a while? But if not, then as long as it is “presentable”.

My mom was a wise spender. When I was a kid, she’d never buy very cheap items that only last half a year and you need to throw it out. She’d buy one quality product with rather “reasonable” price and it would last longer than those cheap ones. I seem to get that idea. My choices are not that cheap but reasonable.

In travels, I choose reasonable accommodations which give me peace of mind and safety. Being too thrifty in travels has its risks and I just don’t want to risk my life or my health for it. It’s just not worth it.

Nowadays, I’m thinking of modest ways on how to really save up without compromising what I love.

I believe that these little things in life are necessary. You may spend up a few hundred on it, but the joy and the experience are priceless.

My art of saving is not about accumulating so much more in this world, it’s about a preparation for rainy days. I am the type who does not want to burden anyone, or asks someone help…

My type of person is that who is independent and self-reliant. Simplifying my life now means providing for myself in the future.

It’s a long way to go! Aja!

Adios Merlion

As the end is approaching to a complete stop…

(sorry, I don’t intend to brew some drama here… nope! haha)

I couldn’t help but observe everything around me.

The people rushing to board the train, the group of students chatting lively as they’re waiting for the bus, the cars lined up to make a left turn as green light shines.

How organized! How decluttered!

I can’t help but feel amazed by how it has been for me for almost seven years.

I have been a stranger to this place as a foreigner who first came here to try something out for herself.

I have been a newbie, learning the ropes and how to jump against it.

I have been a student of life in the overseas where literally, experience is my best teacher.

In here, I have been depressed. I have battled against my demons countless of times because I have felt so lonely and homesick. I was so unsure how to handle my life in a way that it meets my expectations.

I was pushed to my limits of giving up because work challenges are mountain high with heavy rain and thunderstorms. It was too much to bear. But I survived.

In here, for the first time, I have felt so insecure. Having no other friends and thinking whether people liked me or do I need to put more effort for them to like me. I remembered, in my workplace full of locals, I was distant. I didn’t trust anyone and always kept a poker face. I remembered praying to God to send me someone who becomes a friend, so whenever I come to office, I’d feel inspired to talk to someone, joke with someone and perhaps, hang out with someone outside work. After two years, he did.

And I couldn’t feel more blessed because of it.

In here, I have learned that I can only take so much. I thought I’m patient enough to withstand annoyingly disturbing things and people, but my patience ran out too. I have learned to fight and argue because without doing so, some people will think they are above you and abuse you. It’s not right to keep quiet especially when it’s at your own expense.

In here, I have learned that I am dispensable. My house, my job, my status here in this country is fickle.

Everything is temporary. And because it is temporary, I have learned to make most out from it. I have learned to enjoy the simple things like a new fresh sheets with downy or a freshly washed undies. I hand washed it, it’s a result of effort, you see! Haha

As I look around, I was grateful that this country became a part of me because I now have a first-hand experience on things I wouldn’t have even experienced, had I stayed in DVO. I am proud to say that I have lived my life the way I want to, because as my mom said, “you can live your life when you graduate” and I did. For sure.

as I look back, SINGAPORE has been a very big factor for me to know who I am. It made me discover so much about myself and made me yearn to be the best version of who I was.

I will forever be grateful for my experience.

Adios, Singapore!

desperate me

“Why I am the best person for the job?”

“It’s because no other person is much more desperate than I am.”

Technically, yes. I am desperate to switch companies as I’ve been with the same company ever since I started working here in Singapore. While I am grateful for the opportunity, I’m also in the look out to allow myself to grow career-wise.

I prayed whether it’s for me to seek another job or to just go home and start my own biz.

The answer seems to be very vague and intriguing.

Where do I go from here?

Believe me when I say that I have been in the same road for as many times as I can remember and I always choose the same choice, to stay. It is safe to stay. It stops you from thinking about the unknown.

It allows you to go on with your planned travels for the year, that and so much more.

I remembered my last year’s promise… 2018 would be a game changer. It is a year for growth and adventure. A year to be fearless in my pursuit to success. I want to keep that promise. I don’t want to go on without even exploring what I am more capable of just because I felt safe. I want to go out there and try as many things as possible, because time will never come back and wait for me.

My sister proposed for a family business, I’m glad she did and I’d be willing to help out. But my type of person is that of someone who builds her own. I was never the type to depend on connections. I’d love to believe that I like doing anything on my own like a sculptor creating her masterpiece out from the nothingness of the mud and her bare hands. Isn’t it cool? Yeah, I am idealistic that way. haha

I’d be honest though, I am very much worried about my future. Having to start all over again is scary especially now that I’m on my 30s but then again, starting all over again, no matter what age, is always frightening. The good thing though is that I am single. I am unattached and whatever my decision is, for my future, no children’s milk or diapers, kids’ tuition or household’s bills can be affected. I am living solo and my struggles and success is shared only when I want to.

I believe that opportunities come when you seek them out, actively. We’ll never really know how things are when we don’t experience them, right? I am desperate. Desperate for growth and excited for my tomorrows.

Aja!!

wonder labli

I never knew losing weight would be this difficult!

Gone are those days in my childhood when I don’t gain weight at all and my parents would bring me to a doctor to have me checked.

Gone are those days in my teenage years when I can eat without thinking about the consequence.

Gone are those days in my early 20s when I can confidently say, weight does not bother me at all.

I now find myself in a dilemma of a 30-something whereby gaining weight is a main problem.

Why did I become fat?

Few factors have attributed to it. One being metabolism and others, well… out of habit. Not to mention the amount of steroid I consumed when I had a horrible breakout.

I am trying hard to cut down my food intake but stress gets in the way and I seem to relieve it by eating. My habits are unhealthy and this has to stop.

But you know Gal Gadot, she bulked up and practically eat anything before toning it down to achieve her wonderwoman body. With that in mind, I’m thinking… I’m now in my process of bulking up.

Later, my toning of my proportions will begin! Teehee!

Anyway, I know that if I set my mind into it, it will always be possible.

Until then, wonder labli! :P

boy forgotten

It was in a beach, with rays of light piercing her eyes through her sunglasses.

They were to part their ways as graduation was fast approaching. They both have different college courses and would be in different colleges. They would soon be so busy with their new lives that this beach trip was some memory she would  later cherish. (or forget).

She sat in a pavement directly across the cottage where he’s at.

She was staring at him and he knew she was. He feigned nonchalance.

She sighed. Perhaps she needed to accept that what she meant to him was just a friend. Nothing more.

And maybe, her feelings were nothing but a joke once she decides to confess.

Against the vastness of the ocean, she promised herself not to look at him like that again.

And never to speak anything to him at all.

-          Excerpt from the Boy forgotten

major comeback

“A minor setback today is a major comeback tomorrow!”

Some line I hear from guess where? A survival contest show.

It is a survival contest whereby the girls are to perform and graded accordingly.

And one contestant was labelled as part of the bottom 7 and she replied the line above.

Perfect! I do believe that some setbacks are ways to improve ourselves. Falling apart should not mean failure at times but falling into place because maybe… we are meant to something better.

We should look at life in a bigger picture and not be too engrossed with looking at the minor details.

A painting, when you look at it closely, does not really make sense but when you move few steps away from it, it’s completely on a different level. Like life.

Our lives are made up of pursuits. We accomplish one thing by letting go of something. We take further steps back only to have that powerful push to propel further.

I don’t believe in quitting as an end, but I do believe that when you quit something, it is because you are giving way for new goals. I call it, a paradigm shift.

This entry may sound like I am convincing myself about my decision to quit soon. HAHA

Well, for one, it is. And yeah, when I quit something, it’s not because I have totally given up.

It only means I have come to this side of the road after enduring, pursuing, challenging myself to take it all until what’s actually left is the courage to go on a different route.

I don’t believe in being defeatist. When a task is given, no matter how difficult, I think it is right to try it first before saying “I can’t do it.” I busk in the glory of knowing that I have tried before I called it quits rather than not trying at all. And whatever the outcome, I know I have given my all, so I feel no regrets.

What keeps me on my toes though is that period after you stop doing something and waiting for the next opportunity to come. It makes me so anxious. But maybe, this particular period exists so we can breathe, recalibrate ourselves and take in a moment to actually know what we REALLY want to do with our lives. And this period is a period of transition… a period to recharge so we can take a leap again.

Better days are coming, Major comeback is rising! Aja!

selectively strange

Every one of us has this certain story of how we introduced ourselves to what later become our friends, right? And mine is not different. Not at all.

Seven years ago, I came to Singapore with nothing but guts and hope to back me up. I didn’t have lots of money or amazing work experience. No friends either. (other than the ones who came with me)

I came to an office made up of a small group of staff. The one who trained me, was well, she’s nice but rough. She taught me fast and I need to absorb it as quick as she talks. She would scold me and I would feel so ashamed for never have I been treated like that in my entire life, especially in a workplace. But I think everyone goes through that phase, I’m no different.

At school, I am focused and I studied hard. I was never the type who would skip class or sleep in it.

I was a teacher’s pet, a friendly classmate, the group leader, the class president. Modesty aside, I was hired even before I graduated! haha

In my new workplace, I knew how small the company was. When I joined, it was a year old. I knew my chances for promotions were slim and my progress, rather slow. But I needed a job. I needed to experience how it is working abroad and living in it. I forecasted two years max before calling it quits.

I was a fresh employee with undeterred work ethics. When my colleagues go out for a cigarette break, I stayed in and attend to their phone calls. I hated to be late and I’d feel so guilty whenever I come late due to a train fault. (and fyi, train faults were rare) And although I was friendly, I was distant.

I welcomed people but I never wanted to act too eager. I liked hanging out with colleagues but I never wanted to feel left behind. I hate feeling left out.

My first colleagues were people with thick Chinese accent. No offense, but I always feel like I don’t belong with them because I can’t understand a thing about what they say. I liked them but not enough to hang out with them outside work. You can call me  semi-social.

When they left, a group of guys came. These guys were cool but always busy. They’d invite me in for housewarming or gatherings outside of work and during that time, I promised myself not to be so selective about it, so I managed to go to some of these gatherings. I remain friendly but still distant.

Eventually the guys left and a new batch joined in. They have strong personalities. They yell and cursed a lot. One throws tantrums and when she does, she doesn’t bother talking the whole day at all. The other one was like a dormant volcano. She’s literally dormant. Silent but when someone pisses her off, she’d erupt like it’s nobody’s business. The third one was plain crazy. She’d disturb you for nonsense, and even talk about her sex life aloud. I find her strange. This bunch was rather strange.

But among all the batches that I witnessed, I connected with the strange bunch more. Working with them was not easy but they didn’t make my life difficult either. I found out that they’re just open and honest about how they truly feel. When they’re mad, they’re mad. When they’re happy, they’re happy.

I found out that they are what they are. REAL. And before I knew it, I was changing my ways as well.

In my fifth year, I have been slowly opening up. I don’t don my poker face as much as I did. I have thrown jokes and show part of who I am outside office. I have gone to after-office dinners with them not because I forced myself but because I sincerely liked hanging out with them.

Looking back, it took me five years to warm up to everyone from work. And maybe, when I leave this country, I’d gladly recall the memories that I have gained from my process. It sure does feel like I’m Elsa now, empowered because I don’t need to hide. Haha

I was the girl who has her own world for them before. (I still am now, I think.)

I introduced myself as a professional who does business in a no-nonsense attitude but I guess when you become a bit comfortable, it’ll show that the one wearing the suit and high heels is actually just a minion who still watches Kimpossible and gets high recalling Lupin III.haha

friendship lessons

What I learned in FRIENDSHIPS are these:

1)      No matter how honest you are, You are honest only to people who want you to be honest.

For example, a friend who is open to criticisms and is cool about it, whether or not she asks if the dress looks good on her, and you honestly say it sucks on her… she will accept it and thank you for being honest. For friends who are less open and defensive, they’d think you are talking negativities. Choose wisely.

2)      You can’t expect someone to be open to you no matter how open you are to them. Hide your cards well. Never assume they owe it to you too.

3)      Be complete even if it means removing people in your life. Our heart is made up of people who occupies space in it. But not everyone deserves the spot. Remove them. At one point it will become a hole but true people who deserve it will occupy it sooner than you think.

4)      Be kind but firm. Being nice is good but don’t let people construe you as someone “spineless”.

Know when to say NO and when to give in. Do not allow them to abuse your kindness.

5)      Love yourself. Be who you are and never settle for less. 

SG: take a step

Why do we cry when we say goodbye?

Goodbyes are the hardest not because everything changes as the person leaves, but because CHANGE is in itself, scary.

This April, I have three friends who packed up their SG life. While I tried so hard to maintain composure, it saddens me that the people I am attached to are slowly getting fewer as the days go by. T_T

(Believe me when I say that I am not this sentimental when I was younger. Iba na ang nagkakaedad.)

Packing up your SG life means leaving your job, your home for the last few years, your new comfort zone and completely starting over again—back home or someplace else. I don’t know if Pinoys who work in SG agree with me when I say that, the moment you decide to work in SG is the moment you know that SG is the “means to an end”.

SG is promising as it allows you to have a better income and it is strategic enough to let you scoot anywhere in the world because it is the best travel hub with the most amazing airport. To most of us, we grew accustomed to how efficient everything works here. From GOVT AGENCIES that wait no one to food court helps who take your dishes the moment you lay your crockeries flat. Not to mention the value of time, everyone seems to follow ruthlessly, from 3-minute MRT intervals to “within the day” processing times to your let’s say, internet connection complaints. (it's rare, btw)

 

While SG is that amazing boat-like structure erected at the center of a bay (middle of the water, can you believe it?!) , living here NOW does not guarantee living here few years FROM NOW. Solely because, PR status is so hard to get. (I know, ‘cause I’ve tried twice and failed twice. :D) No matter how long you stay, it just won’t cut it.

My friends leaving, made me revisit my original intentions about coming to SG for the first time.

It made me think about my own plans (or lack thereof). I’ve never really had grand plans. I just go with the flow. The changes that consume me for the past 7 years, brought me to new heights and new lows.

What I think is this:

“We all follow a path, every one uniquely designed since before we were born.”

Goodbyes are hard, because memories get in the way. When my friend and I met for brunch for the last time in SG, the inordinate amount of flashbacks came over me… the birthdays, the Christmases, those tough times that we both received consolation from each other over a serious heart-to-heart talk, the spontaneous meetups to celebrate minute details such as winning a bet of who’s who, or even a casual chitchat that starts from pre-dinner to 5 in the morning. Those precious memories we shared and the time that we can never bring back. If not for my promise not to cry, I’d bawl my eyes out! (and no, I’m not even a cry baby!)

But with goodbyes comes the opportunity to show gratitude. To show just how someone means to us and just how much we’re gonna miss their presence when they leave. With goodbyes, comes realizing that they are just trekking their own path forward and someday, somewhere our paths will cross again.

Admitting, goodbyes are game-changers. They shape up who we are. Remind us who we want to become and ultimately, make us realize to cherish the limited time we all have.

Everything changes and nothing remains.

Except memories.

here we are again

So I am here again, in this state, in this black hole.

I noticed, every time someone tests my career, I get so caught up with it that I feel exhausted.

One thought about leaving my job provoked me into thinking a hundred details more.

As I thought about why I am always put on the edge whenever this happens, I have come up with these stems of concerns:

1)      My finances.

I am so afraid to have nothing and to die in poverty. Period.

Sometimes I feel like I am overreacting. What is there to be worried about when I am single? And the beauty of being single is to live a carefree life, unabashed by thoughts of your child’s milk or diapers. Right?

2)      My comfort.

I grew comfy--- far too comfy--- in my own little world here in SG. I have my own room (although with a roommate), I enjoy the peace of having a haven after a long day’s work with nothing to think about but my dinner and what movie to binge on Netflix. Not to mention the speedy internet that lets me stream as much kdramas and kpops that I want to. And yes, the convenience of transportation. Jeepneys aren’t as comfy as the MRTs, that’s a fact.

3)      My travels.

This is big in my affirmation of why I need not give up. I have grown accustomed to the fact that I can jet set here and there just because there’s a lot of places to go with flights and it’s tax free! I can go and return within one weekend. I’ve never been so glad that Skyscanner has this option when you input Origin: Singapore / Destination: EVERYWHERE. ‘Cause let’s face it, I can practically scoot anywhere from here.

4)      My other opportunities.

With living here, I have been opened to the world. I have seen and experienced so many things that I never thought I would, had I stayed in Davao. The concerts, the galas, the chance to experience something without cowering down. I can be anyone here. I can go inside museums and wine and dine in 5-star hotels without hesitation just because I know I am "somewhat" capable to and because I want to experience life.

5)      My personal growth.

I am what I am because I have come this far. The road wasn’t in any way easy. I have given up a lot of family affairs, bawled my eyes out in despair as I have things difficult to figure out, kept myself in the dark out of loneliness. The cycle goes on. Going through all the hardships made me value the people that stayed with me and let go of the people who don't deserve to be there  (although, not really).

As a foreign worker, losing my job means coming home.

And perhaps, coming home is as scary as coming here. Because in one way or another, I have made Singapore my home for the last 7 years of my life.

Saying goodbye to something is never really easy because you grow attached and you build memories.

But as they say, LIFE GOES ON.

And yeah, Rihanna's Take a bow came to mind... 

"But now it's time to go

Curtains finally closin'
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow"

Wish me luck!