here we are again

So I am here again, in this state, in this black hole.

I noticed, every time someone tests my career, I get so caught up with it that I feel exhausted.

One thought about leaving my job provoked me into thinking a hundred details more.

As I thought about why I am always put on the edge whenever this happens, I have come up with these stems of concerns:

1)      My finances.

I am so afraid to have nothing and to die in poverty. Period.

Sometimes I feel like I am overreacting. What is there to be worried about when I am single? And the beauty of being single is to live a carefree life, unabashed by thoughts of your child’s milk or diapers. Right?

2)      My comfort.

I grew comfy--- far too comfy--- in my own little world here in SG. I have my own room (although with a roommate), I enjoy the peace of having a haven after a long day’s work with nothing to think about but my dinner and what movie to binge on Netflix. Not to mention the speedy internet that lets me stream as much kdramas and kpops that I want to. And yes, the convenience of transportation. Jeepneys aren’t as comfy as the MRTs, that’s a fact.

3)      My travels.

This is big in my affirmation of why I need not give up. I have grown accustomed to the fact that I can jet set here and there just because there’s a lot of places to go with flights and it’s tax free! I can go and return within one weekend. I’ve never been so glad that Skyscanner has this option when you input Origin: Singapore / Destination: EVERYWHERE. ‘Cause let’s face it, I can practically scoot anywhere from here.

4)      My other opportunities.

With living here, I have been opened to the world. I have seen and experienced so many things that I never thought I would, had I stayed in Davao. The concerts, the galas, the chance to experience something without cowering down. I can be anyone here. I can go inside museums and wine and dine in 5-star hotels without hesitation just because I know I am "somewhat" capable to and because I want to experience life.

5)      My personal growth.

I am what I am because I have come this far. The road wasn’t in any way easy. I have given up a lot of family affairs, bawled my eyes out in despair as I have things difficult to figure out, kept myself in the dark out of loneliness. The cycle goes on. Going through all the hardships made me value the people that stayed with me and let go of the people who don't deserve to be there  (although, not really).

As a foreign worker, losing my job means coming home.

And perhaps, coming home is as scary as coming here. Because in one way or another, I have made Singapore my home for the last 7 years of my life.

Saying goodbye to something is never really easy because you grow attached and you build memories.

But as they say, LIFE GOES ON.

And yeah, Rihanna's Take a bow came to mind... 

"But now it's time to go

Curtains finally closin'
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow"

Wish me luck!