Say hello to your Uber driver

YAYYYYYY!

This is so surreal. I have been tensed since Sunday. The tension was severe that whenever I think about today, my hands and feet were cold in two seconds. No kidding.

I know I am lacking in so many aspects. First, I learned later in life. Second, I barely drive. Third, this fear. And so, I’ve been making illustrations of traffic lights for me to remember.

Come Monday, I was completely nervous. I reached out to friends, talked to coworkers, and asked for luck and importantly, prayers. At night, I did not want to burden myself with last-minute studying, so I just made myself busy doing my art. When I lay down in bed, I prayed continuously that I would be guided with wisdom. As I slept, I was going through simulations in my head. As a result, I barely slept.

Come D-day, I was surprised to wake up calm. Calmer than ever. I made coffee and sat for a little while. I quickly scanned through my notes and proceeded to freshen up.  I did an hour of practice before the exam and my instructor, Ruby, told me that I drove well. My parking was amazing, and my mistakes were barely noticeable. I did not want to hope too much so I just smiled and said, “Hopefully, I’d maintain it with the examiner”.

I was instructed to park in Bay 5. I had to go out of the car and do some paperwork. I went to the washroom and said a prayer or two about staying calm and remembering everything I learned from the past lessons. I head back to the car and did a quick pep talk with myself. “You cannot change what is bound to happen” echoed in my head. “Indeed, this is the point of no return!”, I muttered.

And then the examiner introduced himself. He asked. “Are you ready?” I replied, “Yes” with a big smile on my face. This is where “fake it ‘til you make it” comes in to save the day, I thought. We did a prep test on signals and brakes. Then he got in and sat next to me. He asked for parking brakes to which I answered somewhat scripted. Blame it on my instructor, who always does this stuff! Then the examiner told me that we can go. I breathe in and breathe out, this is it!

As we approached the sidewalk, I did my full stop and he motioned to turn left. We veered onto the small streets. He asked me to turn right and turn left on various roads. The thing is, I am more confident in driving small streets because I always drove onto shortcuts and alleys back in the Philippines with tricycles, baskets, trash bins, and what-have-you parked on one or either side. I did my signals, and mirrors, and exaggerated my shoulder checks. Trust me, exaggerating shoulder checks is the norm for exams!

I don’t drive on highways back home, so it takes a long time to be comfortable driving into one here. Then he motioned for me to drive into the highway. When he said, to turn left on the stop, surprisingly, I did not feel the panic that I usually feel. I even had the chance to glance at the clouds, with rays of sunshine trying to break into them. The rays are much like me, in this situation, I contemplated. I am trying to break a mold trying my best to pass an exam where my instructor told me I had a 50-50 chance. As I maneuvered, everything just kind of made sense. I can clearly proceed on my left without one bit of hesitation.

Then the examiner told me to turn left to the small street and there I kind of felt, “Okay, I may have this in the bag already!” Few more turns and I was surprised to be heading back to the ICBC office. He told me to park the car in the last slot. I did. He then told me, “Congratulations, you passed!” I smiled and thanked him. I can’t believe, I passed. Me? With a 50-50 chance, passed?

At this point, I am elated. I am very grateful for this privilege. I never knew I had it in me. When I came back to the office, my coworker greeted me, “How was it?” I told him, "Say hello to your new driver!" We both laughed. LOL

You need to calm down

“What will be, will be.”, says my coworker for whom I have confided how tensed I am.

I have never been more nervous than tomorrow’s exam. I have done bigger exams like my IELTS or CELPIP which had a huge impact on my immigration status. But nothing compares to the thought that I am coming to an exam less of myself and more of an uncertain examinee. Although to be fair, I did employ an instructor and took six lessons, I still feel short of the skill.

My instructor told me, “I have to be honest; you have a 50-50 chance of passing, do you still want to go?” Stubborn as I am, I told her, “Yes, I cannot delay it any further.” It’s bringing me back to my Freshmen years when one failure had defined my entire college and one opinion had me doubt the entirety of my capability. So, when someone says, “You are not ready” I don’t necessarily believe them. It’s like me proving to them that the mold they procure was nothing but empty shackles to me.  It may be plain stupidity or natural curiosity on my part, really, but I want to experience it firsthand. The nerve-wracking element is given, for sure. But between thinking about failing and tasting failure, at this age, I’d have to say, I would taste failure and learn from it.

I thought about a long list of my mistakes. It’s a little something that I always forget like shoulder checks or signal lights on and off when changing lanes. But the bigger issue that I have yet to resolve is my confident left turns. I always found it hard to do left turns on big streets because I must be hyper-alert when to do it. Apparently, this city does not have a designated left green light all the time and to do it successfully, I must rely on gut and timing. How hard could it be? To some experienced drivers, it’s easy. To me? I always feel scared that my timing would be wrong.

My coworker explained, “What’s the worst thing that could happen? Fail? That’s a small issue. You can do it again.” I wanted to interject and say “No, to cause an accident” but having this thought is me saying that I am preparing to fail 100% -- no buts or ifs. So, I kept quiet. Then he goes on to say, “You cannot change what is bound to happen.” And at that moment, I felt a click. Somewhat the universe telling me to just calm down and go with it. My fear cannot change things. My fear, instead of lifting me up, will be the perfect ingredient for disaster.

Compartmentalizing this fear and anxiety, I want to believe that this fear is healthy because it keeps me in check with my reality. It keeps me grounded about having goals and overcoming my inner turmoil to achieve them. I thought about the decisions that I’ve made thus far. Before moving to this city, I had the same exorbitant fear of the unknown. Had I kept on playing safe, I wouldn’t have reached new heights. My sister’s words were, “What’s there to fear? You cannot even afford a car!” Funny but that’s true, too. LOL

Amidst it all, I may be putting too much pressure on myself. I may be putting stress on a supposed drama-free activity. Taylor Swift’s “You need to calm down” echoes in my mind. True, I need to calm down. What will be, will be. 

Anger Management

I’m generally calm and cool.

But as I grow older, I found that another side of me is gradually coming out. I don’t know if it’s the hormones and moods or just generally an influence by my environment.

I don’t like being this but there are days when I become the HULK. I am becoming an angry person and that startles me.

I get angry with unreasonable people. I use to get scared of people demanding something from me. I worked in the customer service field for a long time and the role involves a lot of pacifying. When a VIP comes in and demands a thing or two to be done, pronto. It must be done pronto. But as I get more experience, I get tired of these foolish people. I get angry thinking about their kind’s privilege.

I’ve never worked in the BPO industry, but I get the exasperation of agents taking distressed calls from unreasonable callers. Today, someone called the office phone and started blabbering about how upset he was about a parking ticket. I did my best to hear him out, but he sounded too arrogant. He did not even call the correct number. I told him he should call the other property, but he stated, “I will sue you”. That perked my ears, I was about to shoot him “Then sue me” but I remembered Kondraty Ryleyev, a Russian poet whose punchline seemed great but was the cause of his demise. So, I said, “I’m sorry but don’t you think you are barking at the wrong tree?” In the end, I transferred his call because I am about to forget everything about my newfound philosophy the more, I spend time listening to him.

As I rewind what happened and how I reacted, I reflected on how I changed. It seemed to be a struggle to control my cool when I am provoked. I get so worked up like a volcano waiting to erupt. I seem to feel belittled, and I think that when you allow someone once, it sets precedence over all the disrespect that you are about to experience.

Patience… well, it used to be one of my strongest points. But these days, I’d say it’s wearing thin.

When someone says, “I am upset”, I don’t understand why I get to be the absorber. I don’t get why I need to accept their negativities. And I guess the reason is that I always try to paint coolness despite my own chaos and not lather them to everyone around me.

Taking cue on my past brushes with rage and anger, I found solace in this newfound philosophy. I learned that I do not need to react to every banter, action, and provocation the world is putting me into. I do not need to show feelings in every situation. I do not need to accept or reject. I can stay neutral. However, it is easier said than done. I have a long way to practice my philosophy and when the situation presents itself, I acknowledge that it is very challenging to remember everything I learned thus far.

I am a work in progress and battling with anger trying to consume me is part of the process. It’s a long way to go but trying my best has never failed me in my goals.

Project PreXXX

I want to have a social experiment to be another me. Version 2.0 in terms of worldliness. Whatever that means.

I want to be bolder, more social, and generally out there.

I would scrap the safe, guarded, and rational me for about a month. I want to try and be the opposite.

But how to do it?

My steps would be funny but considering how strange this project is, maybe I can convince myself of it.

Step 1. Research the avenues to reach out to people. Where to be “active” and not just a silent reader.

Step 2. Join a group and allow a person-to-person “meet up.”

Step 3. Engage in activities.

I don’t know the additional steps to this project. For now, I will call it “Project PreXXX”.

Should I do it?

selfish

I don’t want to give.

It may sound so egotistical but there would come a point in life wherein giving wears you out. I am not talking solely about the material things that you could provide but the time and effort you freely give to someone.

I read a random quote on the web and the particular line struck me: “Match my efforts”. It triggered a mental response right away. I am used to initiating communications, organizing meetings of sorts, and making sure that someone feels involved. The more I did it, the more it cemented the role as my regular. I was happy doing it, so I did not mind it until recently.

Communication is a two-way thing. It won’t work if I eagerly reach out and do not get a response. But I wondered, does it have to have a response? Do I really have to initiate communication? What if I just keep quiet? When I don’t hear from you, maybe it’s just the way things are. I don’t mean that friendship requires constant communication because I have good friends whom I do not talk for months and when we do, we remain close. But if the non-frequent communication with friends always starts with me, what’s the point?

Matching the efforts means not always doing the giving but also receiving.

I may be too amenable to all my relationships. For example, when someone wants yellow and I like red, I give in to choosing yellow in the end.

Oftentimes, I get asked last about my preferences because they’re used to me saying, “Yeah, it’s okay”. I am used to saying, “It’s okay” and that it sometimes becomes my auto-response. I don’t like being fussy so “it’s okay” is a perfect answer. But when I think about it, is it really okay?

I don’t like feeling greedy and pushing my choices. I couldn’t stand the guilt I feel every time I get my way while knowing that someone’s choice was rejected. So, I give in. I choose what someone chooses because it makes them happy.

Why do I do that? It chips off a little part of myself to always give way to someone’s preferences than mine. I realized it might not be healthy in the long run because gradually a series of little chips off would consume me whole.

A close friend once told me that my best trait is my selflessness. I was surprised. I didn’t know I was selfless, just amenable.

If you ask me, I don’t like being selfless. I hate to do the leg work. I don’t like unrequited efforts. Thinking about it, it sets a tone for my future relationships. And I would be honest to say that it doesn’t look one bit convenient. It becomes a one-sided union wherein I get emptied and the other overflowed.

I don’t want to continue the habit of sacrificing my own desires. I know it will dent my mental health.  I don’t want to continue suppressing myself and making others’ needs the priority. I want reciprocation.

I don’t like having many regrets so the best way to do so is to live my life, my way.

I want to be selfish. I want to prioritize my own. I want to look at my plate and see only what I like.

Getaway to home

“I need to get away!”

That’s my major thought one day when I woke up from a deep sleep. How could I not take a single vacation leave for a year? I wondered.

This comes after my stupid travel ban rule in the hopes of recovering financially.

However, the signs of burnout are showing – exhaustion, lethargy, and boredom.

I feel as though I am working for nothing. I could not possibly go on working because I know what I can do if I reach a certain limit.

I initially planned to travel to somewhere beautiful early this year. I made the plans, map out the places to go, and even go as far as booking my hotels. BUT… I changed my mind and opted to fly home instead. Going home is a long ride and a very expensive one at that. I am so used to coming home on a 3–4-hour flight but Canada is just so far. I was mentally preparing myself.

I have three weeks of vacation. I decided to take one week off to take my parents on a trip, much to their surprise. I made the plans myself and decided to tell them when everything was all set. I know they wanted South Korea but, in my mind, we have been there. I even stayed there for an extra week and went to the places I wanted to go in 2019. And even if it’s four years ago, I still remember it freshly because it was just before the pandemic, before the world froze, and before multiple travel bans were in place. I decided to go where I have not been into. I chose Taiwan.

I was supposed to do itineraries but so much happened before my flight home. I had to settle everything and when I did, I was too beat to plan Taiwan in detail. A day before the Taiwan trip, I had to mad dash to the PAL office by the airport to settle their sudden change of flight and the long layover that comes with it. I was referred to the manager and we had a good talk. It ended with him giving me his number for any issue that may arise later.

I had no time to sit and plan the itinerary. I went with winging it day by day. The “no-plan” plan.

While embarking on the plane, I was surprised to be seated on the preferred seats. Still thinking about what to do in Taiwan, my sister sent me screenshots of a vlogger’s itinerary. (I am not one to watch vlogs in my free time) so, sending me bits and pieces of those places, well, it helped a lot. I just had to choose from those places.

I took my parents to street food, malls, residential areas, castles, and parks. On our third day, we rented a private car which took us outside Taipei. We all enjoyed nature, the new scenery, and the photographs that we took. It was a very chill trip. I wanted them to feel relaxed and refreshed even if it means taking it slower than usual. Taiwan was a perfect choice to do the modern and the nature in one trip.

When I arrived back in the Philippines, I had two weeks and all of which are severe sunny days. Heat is my kryptonite, so I met friends for dinners. I had a grand time spending with the family, and it was what I really needed. I have switched dreamy places for home, but home is always the best place on Earth so no regrets there.

While there, I thought of three things: First, life is too short. Spend it wisely with people who choose you. Second, I must have money. Money is not everything, but it makes things possible. Lastly, I can’t go on without breaks. Period.

To each his own. Others may like cool kicks (I do too), some may like collecting expensive bags, and some find happiness in redecorating their houses or whatever but there are others whose happiness lies in travels. All are valid, everything is good. You do you and that’s essential. I needed a getaway, and I’m glad I did. 

Reluctance

Funny how I used to care about so many people before.

I’d like to be on the loop, to be in the know. But now as a levelheaded 30-ish, I come into terms about what I can control and what I cannot.

I care less about other people’s opinions because I was never one to do things based on other people’s feelings. I care less about a person’s story because it is not my personal experience. You may say I am uninterested. Yes, I am deeply uninterested about other people’s affairs unless they want me to be a part of it.

I admit it gets scary sometimes because I feel like I am closing off.

I don’t like forcing things or undefined anything. I don’t like undefined relationships, undefined preferences, or undefined intentions, among others. If you like me, sure! That’s great, we could be friends. If you don’t, that’s okay, too.

I’d like to think that the more I stay in the moment, the more focused I am to achieve meaningful experiences. I have always thought of life as a fleeting gift that needs to be savored while on it. I don’t like having a celebratory moment and yet feeling anxious about the looming sadness that comes after. I want to BE in that moment and worry about what comes after when I am ON it.

So, with people if I am your friend, I am your friend till the end. Unless you chose not to be. Shots won’t be fired on my end. You did it.

With realizing that there are things I cannot control, I let go.

I don’t dwell on reluctant people. I choose those who are sure about choosing me.