coin

Opportunity cost.

In economics, it is this cost na you forego something to take in that one thing. Syempre pa, it requires thorough decision making, it requires cause and effect and pros and cons charts.

Let’s take for example when I decide to go home.

GO HOME STAY
Broke         Richer by a penny
Jobless         Sustainable job
With Family Solo but w/ A
Fiestas         Dora explorations
Home based Have time & resources

Ang hirap magdecide diba? Depende sa anggulo. Every decision is a make or break, but whether we choose one and fail, it’s not the end of the world. I earnestly believe that life is a trial and error; we can’t come out unscathed because everyday is a struggle.

Sometimes, we may never know the value of failure because we dwell on the fame and pride of being victorious, but we must remember that failure just gives us a space for improvement. We fully understand how human we are because we fail and we are reminded to bow down to our creator.

Surely, hindi madali gumawa ng aksyon sa mga bagay bagay na napili, but it shouldn’t hinder us to grow. I learned that in order to succeed, we need to tolerate failures din, kasi we will never test our capacity to its fullest kung hindi tayo nagkakamali. Parang kotse lang yan, di mo malalaman yung safety features hanggat hindi mo ibabangga.

Anyway, whatever my decision will be, it is all for God’s glory. I always remind people asking for my opinion about their decisions, “ask yourself: Will decision #1 make God happy? How about decision #2?” If yes to all, then discern, know what’s in your heart, dyan na pumapasok yung weighing of things, purpose, goal etc. If di pa talaga, hala i- TOSS COIN na yan!

charo

Dear Charo,

Nais ko pong ilathala ang isang tao sa buhay ko na gusto at ayaw ko sa parehong sirkumstansya…

* * *
Walang hiya ka!

Why do you always occupy my mind? I tried thinking about my travels and it give me this delicious feeling and then suddenly I think of you, I get even more ecstatic. What have you done to me?

Sorry to burst your bubble, you are not my type.

As in the looks, I don’t have a penchant for Moreno guys. I like my man, tisoy, or something of that sort. Ikaw, pinoy na pinoy, paano na ang cuteness ng mga magiging anak ko?

Sa mindset, I perceive you as someone na happy-go-lucky, bakit ganun? Parang feeling ko you are still on game mode? Pwede ba, Wag ako yung subject mo this time? Tantanan mo na ako sa games mo, Otherwise, masasaktan lang talaga ako, sure hit.

Di naman talaga ako selosa, jealousy especially when the real score is a thin line of friendship, is a sign of insecurity, pero I am just curious, bakit ba ang dami mong inaadd sa Facebook? Do you enjoy attention that much na kahit di kakilala can see half of you life through your profile? Just saying.

Disturbing din ang pagiging manly mo. What do you know about carpentry? Pagsisibak ng kahoy? Or even ordinary fixing of simple machines? Wala? Ah kasi you’re born with a silver spoon, which I find really awkward.

Then you seem very comfortable in asking me too intimate questions. I wonder, do I look that bastusin? I don’t feel insulted, I am a consenting adult, but I wonder why deep under you have the guts to ask me those. Perversion?

Sa career, I don’t like guys who are in medical industry, ang hirap makipagkumpetensya sa mga pasyente who need you. Walang time.

What I find attractive in you is that you are older than I am. Sana mas matured ka sa pag iisip, as your age would suggest. Otherwise, useless yung liking ko for a much older guy.

So diba, ang dami dami kong reasons not to like you but then again, my heart is as stubborn as my head. Bakit ikaw pa?

* * *
Tita Charo, ano ba ito? Tama po bang malunod ako sa damdaming ito? Or mas nakakabuting lumukso na lamang sa bangkang aking kinaroroonan?



Lubos na gumagalang,

scissors

Security…

We are all aiming to achieve that one word. We are all struggling to have that.

Just yesterday, I received an alarming SMS from my dear sissy. She said “Gurl, call me, nahospital si mama”. Imagine my panic when I read that. If I grabbed a cup of coffee, then the coffee would go directly down the floor.

So I managed to sneak out for privacy and call her mobile number. I asked quite continuously, “what happened?” “why?” “how come?” “how is she?” “what’s the result?” and my sissy just told me, I’m gonna drive by this afternoon at 4pm, I’ll let you know.

My god! I can’t take messages like that. My mind is so powerful; it runs a mile even before knowing what actually happened. As I was unsatisfied of what I heard from my sissy, I called Pop. I was relieved, he said, Mum’s okay, it’s just that they want to have it checked by the doctor, the fever and chills are on and off mode. They’re preventing dengue, if ever. And I pray it isn’t. I still have to get updates.

Which brings me to my point: I cannot go on like this. Whenever I hear something like this, I feel paralyzed as if my mind is left back home. I cannot function normally. I think I really am not made to be abroad, going solo with my family left behind.

Then I realized I regret that I did not get a health insurance way back when I was still in my former job. I regret that I did not invest my money in stuffs like that. I regret that I haven’t got a lifetime souvenir and chose material, depreciating things instead.

I am opened to a reality. And I am getting insane thinking about what to do whenever something happens to my parents (God forbid) and they don’t have health insurance. I know I am time and again, over thinking. But what if?

So now, I am reconsidering. I will be coming home. I pray to find a job as good or better as the previous (benefit-wise). I need a job that’s stable enough to support me and those that I am supporting, and yes, for my minor and major travels (^^)

Plus, having two children, does not entice me anymore. I realized though it’s so much fun,(because my sissy and I are like scissors, we can hurt each other, we can cut, break, tear but we can artistically bring out the best in each other, and help create something out from the plain piece of paper but we cannot function without each other), but the burden about the whole issue is equally divided just between us two. I now prefer to have at least four children. Four children who are as close as US.

More importantly, I realized the value of savings and investing wisely. Although I have this gravitational pull towards gadgets, thou shall resist. I am gearing towards a more sustainable future. It’s difficult. Obligations are always difficult, but in the long run, I know it will be beneficial.

own time

Bakit bas a tuwing may umaalis, napi feel ko ding sumama?

May mga taong minsan mo lang nakita, saglit na napakilala and yet, parang sobrang close na kayo, as if you’ve known them forever.

The memories are rushing like a river, yung fun at bonding, andun. It seems like itinadhana kayong magkaibigan. Nakakahappy lang isipin na someone can touch you the way you never imagined. Kasi minsan, those people na isang tingin mo pa lang na di mo masasakyan, e yun pala yung mga taong, swak na swak sa personalidad mo.

The truth is, I don’t wanna be attached with someone kasi nahi hurt ako tuwing umaalis at naiiwan ako. Not that I am not used with rejection, pero iba yung feeling pag nakabuo ng bond and then, breaks apart because of distance.

The reason why I don’t like long distance relationships is because I am a demanding friend/ gf. Ayoko yung walang effort. I dislike passive relationships, mas feel ko yung active, growing and vibrant relationships na anjan kayo para sa isa’t isa.

I guess that’s the reason why I think being abroad doesn’t suit me well. I am very family- oriented. I just can’t remain careless about my oldies kahit nasa ibang bansa ako. I want to be involved. I want to be an active part of the family, not missing in action.

Time and again, the challenge for survival cracks me up. Yung kahit iwan ka man ng mga tao sa paligid mo, you can remain calm and composed. You can remain as a stand alone personality. Kasi naman, sometimes, when you feel so solid and probably built the fence around you, naiintrude ito, so when the intruder leaves you, yung foundation ng fence, nagiging marupok, eventually, it breaks apart. Same thing, magsisimula na naman ulit.

Mahirap. Mahirap iaccept ang mga bagay bagay kung minsan. But I don’t want to be the antagonist. If ever man, I don’t want to be the cause of someone’s not being able to chase after his/ her dreams. I believe in autonomy.

Whenever someone decides to go after something, although, it may be painful to let go, I am willing to step back. I am just so willing to encourage anyone to chase their greatest dreams. We are separate from each other, lahat tayo may kanya kanyang goals.

Kahit fiancé ko pa siguro, my idea is to be able to nourish the relationship na di ako yung hindrance sa dreams nya. Which brings me to the point na I might be choosing those who are already matured enough, kasi by then, that someone had already established what he wanted for himself. Di na issue yung pag alis, pagchase etc. kasi na try na nya.

And as for me, I flew in many the miles from home to achieve what I want for myself, so when I come back, I am so sure to stay. Medyo matured na din kahit papaano kasi natry ko na. I will be ready for the next challenge.

But yun nga, bakit ba nasasali na naman yung lovelife? Haha Whatever it is, I will be here. I might feel empty when you’re gone but as long as I know you are happy then I am fine with it.

And although, gusto ko mang sumama pauwi, it’s not yet time.
I have my goal. I have my set of priorities. I have my own time.

let it simmer

Let it simmer.

I always believed that things will come into places when the time is right. Di kelangang ipush ang mga bagay bagay. If it’s for me, kusang dumarating.

I had a talk with my sissy regarding my long-term plans. She mentioned about setting up a business and me, co-managing her. I am fine with the idea. I am thrilled, to say the least. I guess it’s about time for me to start something na machachallenge ko yung sariling kakayahan ko. Do I have what it takes?

But may bruhang side talaga yung sarili ko, I am thinking, it’s too early. Parang my experience is not enough, I lack the proper sales training. My friends tell me na may K ako kahit papano because I have PR, but then again, bakit di ko Makita na meron ako nun? I always miss the chance to talk sales to someone kasi nauunahan ako ng pride.

Weird nga, business is business. I should learn to separate my personal self sa business that I am into, careerwoman. How can I be successful as a businessperson kung palagi kong iniisip yung sasabihin ng iba? Yung nahihiya sa pagbebenta? Surely, I should learn to incline myself on what is more real rather than my idea of the image I project. Mali e. mali yung mindset ko.

Let it simmer. I always tell myself.

Every learning is a process. It takes time. It requires effort. What I need to feel is being challenged. Sa pagkaadventurous ko, being conventional never fails to bore me. When I know something, that’s just it, I’ve known that, wala ng challenge. I need something new. Something that hypes me up.

So this must be it? Right? But I am not ready to let go of my current profession yet. I still don’t know the ins and outs of this business. What I want sana is to know more about this, para kahit papaano, I have brought home added knowledge, In the future, I know better.

So is it time? Or should I let it simmer pa?

sampedro

DEATH.

I always find a way not to talk about it whenever I have a chance. I find it too scary, too sad and too depressing.

I am constantly shocked when I hear someone pass away at a very young age.

I recently read a post of my friend who has a friend who passed away at 24. She had cancer. Imagine? 24?? When life has just begun? When the world has just been giving a new meaning? When we’re all finding our own place in this world?

Seriously, I find it disturbing. I have someone I knew back in college that is suffering from prostate cancer too; the other one is breast cancer… My gosh! How cruel can this world be? Why so young? Why that kind of illness? Why them? Why… why?

It seems frustrating that age doesn’t matter anymore. I cannot speak for them and their sufferings but I can speak for the age bracket that I am in. It scares the hell lot of me honestly.

I told my friend last night, hey, why do I always feel like I will be passing away at a young age? And she said me too. Whaattt?!  Why do we feel this way? Is this normal? Or are we both abnormal?

I am scared because of the people who will be left around. I always feel they’ll find it hard to move on without me. Who does right? We’re just too few in the family. I feel scared of the sorrow I might have caused I feel scared of the people I cease to help out with.  I feel scared because of the things I never said or expressed. I feel I have so many things to say and do, but I haven’t said/ done anything.

And with all the posts I read and hear about batch mates, friends and schoolmates...

It reminds me not to be hurdled by my daily battles at work, in the society and the community as a whole; it makes me realize to live my life more. To pause and enjoy, inhale and exhale freely, to savour the moments, even the littlest of it. To find time for the things I love to do, amidst the busy schedule and lastly, to celebrate the existence of people who made this life more meaningful and worthwhile to me.

How can I choose to think of DEATH when the thought of being ALIVE appeals to me more? How can I be scared of death, when from the very start, we are all predestined to die? How can I be scared of DEATH when I have lived the LIFE, I always imagined? How can I be afraid of DEATH when God himself promised me eternal LIFE with him?

stammer

I think I can relate with this song.

I hope he gets the meaning... but if he doesn't well then,

Good luck to me!

The strength to say I love you is just so limited.

My knees get shaky, my tongue gets sticky, I seem to stammer, an uncontrollable stutter.

but I did tell you, I like you.

Didn't you know I had been sleepless just because I said that?

Why, because I am not accustomed to being verbal.

Geez, how much lucky can you be?

:)))))