own time

Bakit bas a tuwing may umaalis, napi feel ko ding sumama?

May mga taong minsan mo lang nakita, saglit na napakilala and yet, parang sobrang close na kayo, as if you’ve known them forever.

The memories are rushing like a river, yung fun at bonding, andun. It seems like itinadhana kayong magkaibigan. Nakakahappy lang isipin na someone can touch you the way you never imagined. Kasi minsan, those people na isang tingin mo pa lang na di mo masasakyan, e yun pala yung mga taong, swak na swak sa personalidad mo.

The truth is, I don’t wanna be attached with someone kasi nahi hurt ako tuwing umaalis at naiiwan ako. Not that I am not used with rejection, pero iba yung feeling pag nakabuo ng bond and then, breaks apart because of distance.

The reason why I don’t like long distance relationships is because I am a demanding friend/ gf. Ayoko yung walang effort. I dislike passive relationships, mas feel ko yung active, growing and vibrant relationships na anjan kayo para sa isa’t isa.

I guess that’s the reason why I think being abroad doesn’t suit me well. I am very family- oriented. I just can’t remain careless about my oldies kahit nasa ibang bansa ako. I want to be involved. I want to be an active part of the family, not missing in action.

Time and again, the challenge for survival cracks me up. Yung kahit iwan ka man ng mga tao sa paligid mo, you can remain calm and composed. You can remain as a stand alone personality. Kasi naman, sometimes, when you feel so solid and probably built the fence around you, naiintrude ito, so when the intruder leaves you, yung foundation ng fence, nagiging marupok, eventually, it breaks apart. Same thing, magsisimula na naman ulit.

Mahirap. Mahirap iaccept ang mga bagay bagay kung minsan. But I don’t want to be the antagonist. If ever man, I don’t want to be the cause of someone’s not being able to chase after his/ her dreams. I believe in autonomy.

Whenever someone decides to go after something, although, it may be painful to let go, I am willing to step back. I am just so willing to encourage anyone to chase their greatest dreams. We are separate from each other, lahat tayo may kanya kanyang goals.

Kahit fiancé ko pa siguro, my idea is to be able to nourish the relationship na di ako yung hindrance sa dreams nya. Which brings me to the point na I might be choosing those who are already matured enough, kasi by then, that someone had already established what he wanted for himself. Di na issue yung pag alis, pagchase etc. kasi na try na nya.

And as for me, I flew in many the miles from home to achieve what I want for myself, so when I come back, I am so sure to stay. Medyo matured na din kahit papaano kasi natry ko na. I will be ready for the next challenge.

But yun nga, bakit ba nasasali na naman yung lovelife? Haha Whatever it is, I will be here. I might feel empty when you’re gone but as long as I know you are happy then I am fine with it.

And although, gusto ko mang sumama pauwi, it’s not yet time.
I have my goal. I have my set of priorities. I have my own time.