schadenfreude

Schadenfreude.

N. pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune.

Admit or not, we have a tiny little spot of hesitation to be happy about other’s success. Why, because we compare in parallel to our own success, our growth and progress through life.

I admit I have been quite strange in the past months. I am emboldened by the desire to be first in everything. I wanted to be the best, to be above par. I want to be that girl whom I think is cool and ideal. She’s up there.

Sadly, because of this desire, I have been to a dark hole where everywhere I looked seemed too stifling and empty. I have been trapped by my own set of borders, like a dumbass juggler adding more props to the already overboard performance.

I realized that the more I crave for perfection, the more I become far from it. I thought it was fun at first but it was so dragging, the boredom crept in and I lost the idea of who I really was. I was swallowed by frustration and what made it worse was the anxiety, in thinking that I’ll forever remain in that state.

In the process of chasing my goal, I have lost my balance. The ability to think positively despite the setbacks. The ability to remain calm despite the pressure. The ability to be still despite the uneasy feeling coming towards me. To be at peace within myself, my thoughts and my words.  I have lost the most basic part of being me, my confidence.

I looked around and see nothing but people around me levelling up their games. I was looking through sad eyes where hope has gone to the pits. I have never been so lonely. I didn’t know where to go. I want to scream out my anger, disappointment and frustration. I want to ask why? I have to know. I just have to let it all out. You see, I have hit rock-bottom and no one knew except me.

And while I was battling my personal demons, I pitied myself from feeling so low why, almost all of my friends are jubilant for their life’s breakthroughs.

Then a friend asked me, “Are you too bored that you’re making up problems even if you don’t have one?”

Life is never easy.

It hit me. I was Overthinking. Overreacting. I was going too fast, claiming so soon, when none of my concerns are urgently real. I was getting to a point where everyone dared not to go because from there, it was a downward hill. Indeed, you can never put a stop to plunging down and getting yourself scattered all because of your useless assumptions.

I was brought into a halt when I felt I was about to explode. It is useless to go into a war without trying to win the battle. I had to at least try to resist defeat. To stand up where I fell. To shake off the dust and dirt and feel unabashed despite the bruises. I had to do something for myself. Because no one can save me but Me.

I admit, these are recurring personal demons. These are imminent and when it strikes, it just kills off my happiness from 100 to 0, in no time. I might look cheery and positive from the outside, the power of these demons are sometimes really too strong to counter so I resign in isolation.

To judge someone at their highs without knowing how they struggle to fight their lows, is something that I personally try to digest.

In the end, Someone’s fortune does not make me unfortunate, in the same way that their misfortune cannot make me fortunate. So to compare myself to others is not right because at the end of the day, we are fighting our own battles. What we see as a simple result took time and complicated efforts behind the scene.

confession of a convert

Kung kelan tumanda, dun pa nalulong!

Kung maka-“lulong” naman, kala mo kung anong droga… this is more addicting than droga.

I have branched out (branched out talaga?) to KPOP idols, korean variety shows and even GIF clips of there KOREAN personalities, On top of being a Jadine Convert.

Naalala ko tuloy si Clark nung nagconfess sya kay Leah, yun yung:  “eto na yun, ubos na ubos na ako, wala na akong kaya pang ibigay”… INTENSE! Ganyang ganyan ang damdamin ko na pati shows na walang audio pinatos ko na at pati picture ng aso ni Nadine, sinave ko sa phone ko.  Inalagaan kong parang akin.

San ka pa, Friday nights and you’d think about going home na kasi may icacatch up ka pang episodes. Hindi pwedeng makamiss kasi tiyak na di ka makakarelate sa latest chika ng mga barkada mong bumubuo ng 200 unread messages ng facebook messenger mo.

E ayaw ko namang basahin kasi real-time and chismisan, while simultaneous ang palabas ni Leah at Clark. No spoilers please!!

Marami din akong nahasang skills sa kakapanood, akalain mong, na a-unleash pala ang mga sumusunod:

1)      Investigative skills--  daig ko pa yung taga bureau, detective Conan here we go, walang makakaligtas kakadig ng mga panibagong impormasyon, isingit ang screenshot as exhibit A. Hindi pwedeng walang basehan kasi nagiging “gawa-gawa” na lamang sya. So pagsabing, huy yung kissing scene grabe!!!  (insert screenshot1 ) (insert screenshot 2) (insert link if any) .  Ganun yun!. Isa pa, nahahasa ang skills kakaretrieve nung mga  binurang posts take, for example, litratong pinost ni Nadine 15 seconds ago pero dinelete kasi di bumagay sa mala-tumblr-ish nyang instagram profile. Wait lang, give me 10 sec, I can bring it back!

2)      Lawyering skills—uy, may ADDU con post, may babae daw from Davao as GF ni james! Wait!! Bakit ngayon lang nilabas? Puno ng paghihimagsik kong binasa ang nasabing post at natanto kong, isang malaking ilusyon. Over my dead venomous body! (wag nang voluptuous,di pa arrive!)  pero sa usaping Inah Evans vs people of Jadine, este James, ayaw ko mang aminin sapagkat nagiging unloyal ako… naniniwala ako kay mother kepler Inah. (oha oha, may beki words na din akong nalalaman) tinimbang kong maigi ang isyu na parang usapin ng territorial claim ng China against Spratley at Parecel Islands, at napagtanto kong, ang mga salita ni Inah tungkol sa kanyang nakita ay consistent.  By virtue of power vested in me as a bystander, I now pronounce you telling the truth. hihi

3)      Interpersonal skills-- my favourite. Mga kaibigang di mo nakakausap araw araw, masusurprise ka nalang,  nagmemessage, naghahayag ng opinion sa natapos na episode o sa isyung nakatanghay sa kasalukuyan. Saan ka mang parte ng mundo, join ka sa usapin na may malaking ambag sa development ng humanity. haha Ang malimit na paggamit ng tamang pagpapahayag ng saloobin, paniniwala, demokrasya ng pananalita at pakikipagtalastasan sa mga kuru-kurong puno ng spekulasyon sa mga “intelligent discussions” kung saan active member ako. Jadine singapore, represent!!

Ilan lamang ito sa mga nasinop kong abilidad.

At sa pagkalulong kong ito marami akong nakalimutan--- pangungulila, kalungkutan, pati na rin sinaing kong hindi naihain at nilabhan kong naghihintay pang maisampay.

I still can’t believe It, I have friends closer than ever kasi gabi gabi ito ang pulutan. May magkakaibang opinion, iba’t ibang pinaniniwalaan, may die hard fans, loyal at mejo unloyal. May madaling bumibitiw at may excited magmove on from the issue but isa ang something that holds us together… our being fanatic! 

christmas love

Santa claus is coming to town!

Whoa, the news says… its 25 MORE DAYS to go and it’s Christmas!

I am down to my 5^th year, celebrating Christmas here in Singapore. And frankly, I really do miss celebrating it in DAVAO.

While I am drowned with fabulous Christmas decors that glitter in whatever angle, I feel less. Less in a way that, it’s just a day off.

I kind of miss the feeling of bliss that lasts a very long time. Yes, I think that is what makes Christmas different in PH.

We’d go to a mall and all counters were too busy. The queue is just so long but as weird as it may sound, it makes you feel happy.

Why, the people are happily chatting while queuing up! The rush, the mind-boggling thrill on what gift to get for your manito, the gathering of old friends that you haven’t seen for a long time? It feels nostalgic.

Here in Singapore, we’ve been celebrating in a very low key. My very first Christmas, I celebrated it in a coffee shop!

My second, third and fourth, I celebrated it with my housemates. And this Christmas, I’m excited to say that I am celebrating it with my family!! YAYY!!

My parents are coming, so as my sis and her fambam. (ssshhh it’s a secret! My parents do not know about this! SURPRISE!!!)

I just feel elated at the thought.

Anyway, I am still preparing where to take them. As a cheery and aherm.. gorgeous host, I would want it to be special.

For starters, I want to take them to dinner with a scenic view, on where that is, I am still checking places. Also, I would want my nephews to experience the zoo. How does a giraffe look in real life? I’m sure Chino will be delighted!

I’m still planning. I won’t have much time though as I will be working and doesn’t have any vacation leave to spare… but I’m sure things will work out.

And as for Christmas wish, I’d ask WORLD PEACE in generality… and of course, GOOD HEALTH, HAPPINESS, and LOVE.

For myself, Santa, I’ve been asking since day 1, it makes me think as though, the gift I’m asking does not fit your sack or is too heavy for the sleigh. But whatever, you do know, don’t ya? Hihi.

More importantly, I wish Christmas would be an instrument to make people come together. Where love would reign, more than hate and ambition. 

Merry Christmas in 25 days’ time! ^8^

Not me.

“The biggest change in my life is that… I have learned how to be relaxed”, says Victoria.

That line hit me. Victoria and I are of the same age.

While she is a celebrity, a foreigner at that, I can very well relate to how she’s running her life.

She mentioned, she plays well by herself. She uses her free time to rest and when she gets bored, she’d go to places, discover new restaurants, and have coffee in various cafes… ALONE, at that.

While reading, I evaluated myself. And it brought me to a conclusion:

I have been very obsessed about having company.

At one point, I think I have forgotten to enjoy my solace. I have been very used to going out with company that it feels weird to be alone when in fact; I used to be all ALONE from way back.

Well, some might view me anti-social, a plain snob or even a pitiful sight, but back then, I never cared. I was happy.

I was contented with my life. I had fun going around the mall, watching people, finding cool stuff, reading cover pages of random book in the Bookstore. Dining alone is also SUPER fine.

My boss used to ask me, why I do that… And I’d reply, “Do what?”  To me, it’s something very basic. It’s not every time that I get to drag friends off from their busy schedule… which is coincidental to the fact that, I also do not want to be a disturbance. To me, it is completely okay, so why bother?

However, as time changed, I have found myself in a very peculiar position in my life.

I became somewhat obsessed to going out with a purpose. Gone are the days when I just decide to go out, just because I want to. Now, it’s completely because I need to buy this or that,  check this or that, watch a movie or what--- with a friend.

And with this idea of dependence, I feel that I have lost my free-spirited nature.

I became too dependent and it’s sickening. I grew anxious, lonely and  yes, sad.

They said if these feelings come about when you’re single, it only means one thing: you are getting bored at being single!

I honestly don’t know about that, but one thing’s for sure, I need to recover.

This is so NOT me.

insecure

INSECURE?

The thing is I have never been the insecure type. I grew up with the attention and sufficient love from the people around me. I am secured with what and who I have. I may not have everything but I am fortunate enough to feel contented and to me, that is enough.

In recent years, I have chased dreams and put myself to risks. One after another. I have made decisions; I solely, am responsible for its consequences. I can say I come out strong from it.

But in recent episodes of my life, I have begun to develop anxiety.

It came as a shock, that now, I am feeling these emotions.

Could it be the hormones? (As it did to my blemish-free face ? Could it be the society’s pressure? Could it be just me feeling all worried without sense?) I DON’T KNOW.

For one, the idea that I will be left out overwhelms me and drowns my sanity. I have moments when I feel EXTREMELY lonely, bored and anxious.

Socializing stresses me so much. I always remind myself to get out there, meet new people, make fun memories… but the more I think about going out, meeting people, I feel as though I am subjecting myself to an unnecessary push, unnatural and very imposing. It makes no sense.

I have developed an epidemic of feeling depressed. That is, when an idea, no matter how you categorize as pure imagination, becomes the basis of reality.

I found myself LOST more than EVER.

I have spoken my feelings to close friends, but I still find myself trapped in my own limitations. I found myself feeling naked, exposed more than I intend to be. I feel that no matter what, I only have thy self to sort this problem out.

Then I have spoken to a friend who’s into the professional field of mental health, while it comforts me to weigh my options and be given advice as to who I need to see about it, it embarrassed me to even think about therapy. Am I insane? (I mean, I know I am a little crazy, but crazy fun, not crazy as in insane!)

Thinking about it makes me feel like there’s no one who can help me but myself.

I have made resolutions. I even think about living alone. Why, because I used to be alone a lot and I was fine and being with someone constantly made be dependent and as much I love the company, I feel that I am asking too much. While being in Singapore cannot enable me to have a room rented all by myself… I thought about other ways… (which is still in progress)

Also, I have developed insecurity. Of thoroughly comparing myself to someone as if I’m in some kind of competition. That is totally NOT MY STYLE.

I have never been the jealous type as I am a BIG believer of harmony. And for me to be feeling jealous? OH GOD! This is the worst!!!

But perhaps the most important thing is to think only of the positive. I need to quit thinking about things that did not even happen yet. Also, I need to be busy. In any way I can, I need to harness energy from other people, inspire creativity, be my cool self in the face of struggles.

I do not need to conform. I do not need to push too hard. I don’t need to be like everyone else. I need to be ME. I need to be free. Most importantly, I need to follow my heart and be happy.

breathe again...

To be part of something…

I have always been comforted by just staying at home alone. I do so many things, I write, I read, I surf the net, I even indulge in some doodling and water- colouring. I do variety of stuff when I’m at home.

Growing up, I used to experiment a lot, there’s this one time when I saw a rubber figure (the free ones that you get when you purchase a hotdog? The one that you put as a pencil topper) and had it on my face to know if it stays (thus sucking the skin), I had 4 of those which I equally positioned in the four quadrants of my face… then the day after, I went to school.

I entered the room and my barkada laughed at me. I did not know why. Then they asked, “why do you have four circles in the face?” I had no idea why it became so visible all of a sudden! I truthfully answered that I tried the toppers on my face and they laughed at me, thinking I was really weird. I was that and more. haha

When I think about doing something, I do it. No buts, no whys, no sense. (Most of the time) So to be able to feel a bit of suffocation from all these solid friendships, completely opened my eye. I think that I completely forgot how it is to be comfortable in being alone, in the true sense of the word, that I begin to summon friends to be with me or stay.

I forgot how it is to live with ease in knowing that I can do things more efficiently when I am alone. I can focus. I can build and rebuild a project because I wanted to. I forgot how it is to calm down in knowing that out there, my friends are busy too. I forgot to be contented with my own charms that I begin to develop anxiety attack, as if I am in a competition.

I do not want to be that kind of a person. I am my own person. I am independent, a cross-over of a modern-traditional woman who knows her capabilities and possess the vigour to spread her sparkle. I am Me. I prized myself for my beliefs and principles in life. I know who I am. I know what I can do and how far I can go.

But… at once I am swept to the idea of confusion. Who am I? Who was I? Who am I supposed to be? I find myself in the gray area. The knowledge that I am alone scared me. I feared I’d be left out. All of a sudden, my links of connections, friendships and networks became a blur, as I feel that I am incompetent on my own.

Truly, I have been taken aback at this realization. I found myself lost in the idea of losing myself. When I think about it, I feel that I have began to slowly disintegrate as a ME and try so hard to connect with someone so I can be whole and do not feel lonely. And the worst thing of it all is that I realized, I have been the hindrance to my own growth. In knowing that the very people I come in contact with are the same people that I have been with for the past 10 yrs or so of my life.

There is no wrong to that, but exclusivity demands too much. I realized that in order to grow individually is to go out there, meet new people and not be shackled in the comfortable circle that I have since day 1. I need to participate in life. I need to be a part of something so I can build the confidence that I lost due to being too comfortable.

I am slowly mending the pieces, I thought I have matured enough to stand by my ideals, turns out, my ideals are just too constricting, stifling and needs a resolution so I can be able to breathe again.

facial care

There’s nothing more heart breaking that seeing your self from full colors to pale dew.

It makes me down to stare at myself in the mirror nowadays. What exactly went wrong with my face?

I am pretty much disappointed of how things have become. I used to have a fresh, clean face and now all I’m seeing are spots, scars and baby acnes about to come out.

Horrible.

It terrifies me that I have tried quite a lot of things to fix this problem, hormonal or skin level, all of which… to no avail.

It terrifies me even more that I have spent quite a fortune to fix it and it ain’t enough.

I am, in truth, very DESPERATE. I don’t know how to treat my skin with so much kindness because the acne won’t leave, no matter what. I am very much affected by the looks of it. My face is a huge orange, with pores sticking out, infected and protruding. Gross.

I am keeping record of the progress of treatments but just when I thought, the meds are kicking in, a new pimple would come out, leaving me in the gray area and disheartened once again.

I am trying my best to do all the things necessary and that includes sleeping earlier than expected. I have tried almost everything except that. I am vying all the possible solutions. Seeking help on the internet, considering expensive treatments and yes, detoxifying.

I prayed to God to save this face. I seriously do.

It makes you feel good to know that you look clean and smells great, it adds a boost of confidence. And the way things are right now, I feel down. I look the ugliest. huhu

Lord, please help me. Heal me.