ironic

Time is of the essence!

I barely have months before I fly and make the most out of the opportunity. Truth us, the thought kills me. I mean, no matter how hard I prepare myself for the inevitable, I still don't know if I could pull it through.

Given that I am convinced about the idea, still I am not satisfied. I am waiting for something more. I am waiting for that one specific day, the heavens shall open and as if on cue, a big echoing voice would tell me straightly, "Go!".

You see, I've been thinking quite thoroughly. I've scanned every possible idea and wrote most of it. But what now? Where? What to do? I've been trying to inject some confidence in my system but I think the dosage just fell short.

God help me. This is by far, my biggest decision. Like for me, next to the biggest decision of every girl, this decision that I am making is a matter of life and death. I don't have any assurance I know, but isn't it that everything in this world does not guarantee you anything. Look what happened to such a progressive and brilliant country like Japan. Who would've thought that tsunami would come in almost five snaps. It only happens ideally in movies.

Anyway, so until such time I am ready to spill everything out to the persons in charge, I would just keep mum. I do not want preemptions neither do I want false hopes.

For now, Life goes on. There's nothing I can do but move farther, figuratively speaking, lower... (in the map) lol

mixed emotions

Masisisi ko ba ang aking sarili sa kalituhang aking nadarama?

Sa tagal ng panahon, sanay na sanay na akong mapag-isa. Sanay ako na ang pangunahing isinasaalang alang ay ang aking sariling opinyon at opinyon ng mga taong mahalaga sa akin. Kasalanan ko bang masanay sa takbo ng aking buhay na umiikot lamang sa sarili?

Siguro nga totoo na may mga pader akong nilikha, pinagtibay at ginawang pundasyon para sa aking kapakanan. At sa tuwing may isang taong darating at sumusubok na gibain ito upang ako'y mahalubilo, kasalanan ko ba kung nahihiwagaan ako sa damdamin ko?

Malamang hindi ako dapat sisihin. Ang panahon ang gumawa ng paraan. Ang aking kailangan ay hindi ang paninisi kundi ang suporta at higit na pinagtibay na aksyon.

Alam kong madami nga akong dahilan, pero ano ang gagawin ko? Sa tuwing naiisip ko, mas marami pang nalilikhang tensyon ang aking kaisipan.

Gaano man katibay ang pader, guguho at guguho ito sa tamang pwersa at tamang panahon.

dorebom

Guess what?

I missed Manila. I missed how the malls raise their "come-ons" and places to go are a plenty. I missed how I seem to forget all my worries behind and just enjoy the sights. And yes, that would include yummy guys. lol

I went to Manila last week. I stayed at a friend's house and had the best of time. I went to a couple of malls and almost did my autograph signing. I went to ride MRT, realizing, I still choose working in SG over working in Manila. I went to ride taxis, and was delighted to know that not all taxis are calibrated to 40php flag down. Savings much eh?

Of course, I also tried riding in a bus. Funny how I felt really nervous sitting beside a tattooed- weirdo girl, chewing some bubble gum almost looking as if a gang member. In my mind, "Girl, you gotta be kidding me, I'm a big bully than you are! Regards to Rugby Girls batch 90!" lol. And then the bus stopped, the images of the bombing flashed my mind, Oh God, please not me. Not now. Not ever. Then I whispered my prayers.

And as if on cue, a guy wearing a printed pants with bamboo shirt sat beside me. He has a huge gym bag with a bank logo in its front. L and I were talking and when we got silent...

Him: "Miss, saan nanggaling 'tong bus?"

Me: "MOA" with a snobbish twist. I scanned his look with my peripheral vision and found him "just within the boundary", the thought made me smile.

He started talking to me, and I was hesitant.

Him:"Taga saan ka?"

I kept silent, for awhile I was thinking whether to talk to him or not, mahirap na. Then he continued, "taga Mindanao ba?, Narinig ko kayo nagsasalita, bisaya? May Iligan sa usapan" that got me. eavesdropper ba?

Me:"Oo"

Him:"san sa Mindanao?"
Me:"Cotabato". I was intensely looking at his expression, challenging him to try a different connotation but he was hiding it very well. I elbowed L as if trying to tell her, "Help me" (because L is from Cotabato... I was half-lying cause I was with L and she's really from Cot right?)

Him:"estudyante?" and in my mind, Wow! Do I look super young? Kolehiyala ang drama?
Me:"hindi na"
Him:"graduate ka na?"
Me: "Oo."
Him:"So may trabaho?"
Me:"Oo"
Him: "san naman?" I opted not to answer. I was really thinking how to get through the conversation without sharing much. I kept silent. He continued, "Ah...MODEL KA BA?"

And wow! Next thing I knew, I said, "talaga?" with blinking-winking eyes, immitating a baby's "beautiful eyes" I was talking to him quite deliberately. Lol. kidding.

Anyway, the ride was like 2 hours. Very slow, traffic, crowded. The guy sitting beside me was uber friendly, as in like, telling me stuffs, ordinary people do not share to strangers that easily. Anita looked behind and saw the guy talking to me, mouthing words "Sino yan?" I mouthed, "My valentino!" lol

Good times. I cannot forget that guy. I felt I was kinda rude for being passive. I think he's such a good guy. When the guy dropped off somewhere he said "bye, nice to meet you!" and I smiled. Later on, L told me he has a police badge on his bag. I said, How come I saw a side mirror? The reason why I did not talk interestingly with him was that, at the back of my mind, I thought he was a car..napper? lol. nah! I was just being defensive.

Anyway, the travel to eastwood was worth it, Hello cutieeeeSSS! plus Manang treated me to dinner! real nice!

See you next time Manila baby! :)))

onward

Yes.

And I was like, "will I?" "should I?" "can I?" and it should be answerable by that one word.

So here I am again caught up with my own brand of dilemma. Confusion. I am quite sick about these thoughts but as I grow older I think I just can't avoid any of it. And as I cross my known paths, there goes the bridge where I am to stop and ask myself in wide eyes, "Go? or No?"

In this bridge is the answer to my known freedom. In this bridge is the make or break of an aspect of my life. Let me weigh things as it should be. If I ever decide to go, what do I lose? What do I rightfully gain? And if otherwise I choose to say No and stay, Wouldn't I regret this one chance? Wouldn't I feel as if I am stuck in the moment and chose to waive the course as it is expected?

You see, here I am again. Here I am with same old thought. The intensity of a decision. To say the least, this is not the majorest of my decisions so far, this is just one of those which I seem to highlight in my thought of stepping one step backward before I put forth and move ten steps farther.

I am in the gateway. An exodus where the great Sea is on its normal mode waiting for my snap to break itself in half, give me the way, and let me move forward. As I hold my stick and cast my spell, a tiny voice unfolds. Am I doing the right thing?

My conditions are few but it weighs tons heavier and has a major major effect on my planned and unplanned future. As I enter and flip the pages of my book called life, I shall wait and see what episode would it be on as NEXT.

Ahhhh... I seek to live for the fullness of life if that's a truth to be told. but what now? where do I go from here?

missing

I missed the girl I was with almost four years ago.

I missed the girl who used to care less about what the people thinks about her and lets herself be who she really is. I missed the girl who cries in almost every sad movie she sees on tv and quickly hides her tears the moment someone looks at her. I missed the girl who stays strong even when her knees are almost falling apart. I missed the girl who writes and hopes that her pieces be read by the persons she offer it with.

I missed her laughter. I missed how she jokes about almost everything even if she's in the most degree of pressure. I missed how compelling she is and how uncomplaining she was. I missed how her coolness overflows and radiates to the people she's with.

But most especially I missed how she thinks of her dreams. Of high her hopes are and of how far her planned adventures were. I missed her enthusiasm. Her zest for life. I missed how eager she is to learn and explore things. I missed how she dreams and sees her future.

I missed... my old self.

scariest

The scariest part of the year is about to unfold...

Oh no! It's not yet November but it's.... Febscary. I mean February.

I am quite sure most classrooms are adorned with a man and a woman, the man holding a bow and the woman, as I remembered, holding the heart and yes, it's in red. And the ceiling would be in overrated twirls and chains of red and colorful sorts. It's really predictable, yes the Valentines month.

So why scary? One word: None. As in nada. zilch. zero. diet. no sugar. no date. no whatever. Although it's never new to me. My imaginative side just wants some exploration. Something that my mind could really dwell and makes my heart swell. Dinners. Flowers. Chocs. Letters. Hmnn, I wish... I wish...

Forgive me but I seem to incline myself in a much more fairy old tale stories. my friend told me that my fairytale has not yet started and all I have to do is wait for it. Although the idea is so comforting, a part of me seems to disagree. Life is never a fairytale. But who am I to judge fate and destiny right?

I once read in one of the tweets, Destiny is a lame excuse for unanswered and answered wishes. Whatever that means, I think it's self explanatory. Although I forced myself to inject some sense in it as I come to think of my love life... I seem to always go down the drain of confusion. And then came my bitchy self, who told you to think about it? Alright. Forget what I thought.

Crappy as I am today I just feel a little curious. And yes, quite conscious... when will my waiting end? when will the prince of neverland come to my rescue? See?

I'm getting scared with all my thoughts. February has in it the idea of scaring the whole lot of me. Ah... the more I think about it, the more I go hope...less.

Stop na. Hush hush...;P

waiting

If Toni G. waited for twenty three years before she said "yes" to a boy then I can wait for twenty three years and more! haha

It's just that I'm inspired how special girls can wait for their princes for the longest time and I see no reason for me to rush things up. Or alright.

Admitting, I came to a point where I got so curious and told myself to just go and don't look back. I waited for months, the first guy who would at least tell me things I ought to hear and would at least jive in my moods would be welcome but halfway through getting there, I called off the deal. I realized I deserve much more.

A good friend told me I'm asking too much. I was putting myself in a pedestal as if I am the hottest human being created. I laughed so hard when I heard it and asked her if it was a sin. I was not being prude or presumptive of anything, why would I settle for someone who I find no interest in? Que may itsura or wala, que sensible or hindi, it won't matter because what matters to me is the feeling I feel every time he's there.

This is not about charity where you just give away what you like to give. This is not about feeling so high, you're in an unreachable state. This is not about getting into the game of love just because you're turning a year older every new year. This is more than that.

Idealistic or not, I just can't discount my principles and what I believed is true. I don't think I'd be satisfied in entering a relationship just to have one so I can bear no tease for being loveless. I don't think I'd be happy when I radically change my status to a double just to show the world, I feel what most of them feels.

I am not bitter or anything. I am just sticking in to my beliefs. As much as possible, I want to just move forward with or without someone. I just can't hurry love. Damn Love. I just can't shout how in love I am just to avoid what other people boasts against me.

I'm holding on. I am holding on as long as I can. When the right guy comes (clueless or not if he's the one or not), I know I'd be ready. So for now, I will just wait and see.

Enjoying the state of an Old maid in the making! lol