holed

More than anything, I hate myself.

I hate that I need to endure because I cannot think of any better way to maintain what I have.

I hate that I need to think about my future despite the pressures of the present.

I hate that I need to go through the same episodes of madness because I am afraid.

I have been rocked every now and then and I keep mum about it. It’s just too much of a burden to share it to someone whom I know have lots of loads to carry too. And every time this particular phase hits me, I always feel helpless. Like I have no solution on how to handle this but to retreat and continue as if nothing happened.

Believe me; I think if this continues, I would definitely confuse what is normal and what is not. There are just so many probabilities hanging over my head like a cloud of questions, what ifs and what nots… Seriously, I have never been so tired in my life than thinking about this.

I would say that my struggles are deeply self-inflicted. It is when you have a chance to escape but you choose to stay hoping that things will change… weeks, months passed, it’s still the same. Like a battered wife believing that the battery would stop because the hubby has apologized and promised not to do it again. Promise, my ass!

So here I am facing the question I am trying to evade… Am I satisfied with this life? Am I seriously considering going through the odds over and over again, hurting for the same reason and giving into the same helplessness just because I am afraid?

If I followed my heart, I could’ve done so many things in the past that I’d never have been proud of today. If I followed my heart I could’ve made hundreds laugh, wonder and be amazed. I could’ve. But then, my mind is working like a pro. I have mastered the thinking tree. That tree with branches sprawling over questions upon questions… which leaves me saying “okay the idea is good but nevermind.”

So now, my biggest problem is how do I continue with my life? How can I make up for times that I could’ve done something that could’ve made me incredibly happy but never had the guts to do or never had the trust to spare? I am seriously thinking about my Ninja Life Moves a.k.a diskarte. Am I satisfied with being an OFW? With no security other than the fact that I could save more if I am here?

I have been evading these questions because I do not have a solid plan to better my life; apart from knowing that I am the only hope for my parents to live well in the near future, all I know is to work hard to better myself, to try to follow what’s right. Sometimes, it becomes boring especially when you begin to compare how far others go even if they are evil. Life is never fair.

Sometimes I do think that I am working so hard, doing the dirty job but I am less appreciated. Those who blab about what they do, broadcast every step, get the recognition for a job well done. Talk about living in fairness. But then again, I could not complain. I try so hard not to because I know I am beyond blessed. There are just things that are not working well for me, But again, I can only compare to nothing but myself because I am trying so hard to be my best self. It gets a bit suffocating. It gets a bit dull… but life must go on.

Perhaps, I don’t really hate all of me; I hate the hole that I am into. 

beyond the glitters

You know how common it is for girls who daydream their way to their special day... I am not an exemption.

Of course, I know what I like on that special day. The overall look and the intricate details, I already have a draft.

Who my sponsors and my entourage lineup, however, changes. Why, my best bachelorettes are either tied down or about to get tied. I, on the other hand, have a long way to go and a person to wait. I certainly hope, I wouldn’t wait till skeleton. Never, Lord.

Deep in my heart, I wished I had a serious relationship early on, or perhaps, a number of “explorative” relationships. Those kind of relationships that make up for youth--- foolish, rigorous even wild. I wished I got to taste it, so that by now, it wouldn’t be awkward and perhaps, I’ve learned so much better from those experiences. I have limited encounters and generally, it’s either one-sided or oblivious.

I have guys that I like, some never knew, some pretend not to know, some liked me back. Hooray! There have been guys who liked me too, but majority of them, I am disinterested. I only have eyes where the apple is red and those apples that are unripe or are of different variety, I take no notice. Yeah, that was me, and perhaps, still am.

Relationship is an alien word. Maybe because I never really liked labelling things. It puts too much pressure. I remembered, there’s this guy who wanted me and he asked, “can I court you?” NO. UH. You see, this is a misconstrued line. It’s a NO NO to ask a girl if you can court her. Why, if she says yes, you might take it as if you are indeed in a relationship or has a fat chance for the golden YES. If she says No, it might mean that she rejects you right away.

If she says Yes to you, and says No in the end, you’d probably claim she’s such a “paasa”. If she says No, and ends up No, it might sound mean to you. That she never gave you a chance etc etc. If she says No, and ends up saying Yes, well then, Good for you (but she’s indecisive and would probably be like that for the rest of the relationship) This is a double-bladed, open-ended manner of inquisition. This is, for me, a very silly question. Curious what my answer was, back then, I gave a NO ANSWER answer. To be fair. Haha

I am a misplaced soul when it comes to love and relationships. I wonder how I am able to get a boyfriend myself, when I want something that is VERY HARD to find. I don’t know. I get it, I do over think a lot of things, or yes, I do keep a secret diary telling my fairygodmother how I’d like him to be. Decaf, black or sweetened. Either way, I would not settle for anything less. See? Fool. But for the comfort of giving my FGM a benefit of not having to tire her, I’d like my one and only to be Decaf. Pure blend with the most basic taste you can ever derive from a high quality coffee bean. Hehe

Kidding aside, I think I am now slowly becoming so accustomed with friends getting married that when I think about marriage, I go beyond the details of the wedding itself but what happens after. It troubles me that my thought of marriage is so superficial when I know that keeping the marriage is such a big responsibility. I might be ready for marriage given the chance, but I don’t think I will do it sooner. If not for my fear of not having an offspring, I wouldn’t even marry at all and just enjoy a solid single, carefree life!

For one Marriage is such a big thing for me. While people can just toss around relationship after relationship, I would like to think that it is not the same case for me. I am traditional when it comes to it. I’d like to say the same vow I made, one fateful day, fifty years after, when looks fade, bones brittle and skin sag or when liver cannot take any more than 1 teaspoon of alcohol.

I’d like to look at the same person I married years back, with the same intensity of love and understanding, support and care. The day I married him is the same day I broke myself in two to give him the other part of me that I, myself was never really keen on sharing with my other self, I’m offering it to him, FOR FREE. haha I’d like to see him as my partner in triumphs or defeats, joys and sorrows, telenovelas or boxing fights, in fishball and in steaks, till death do we part. He will be the same person I ran too whenever I am excited over a new koreanovela during our “able” days and I ran too whenever I am excited with a new haplas later on. He will be the one person I’d like to tease because of his new haircut which looks like a joke of a barber and the same person I’d tease because I’m irritable on my wheelchair. He will be the same person I’d love to cuddle after spending the night over a cold beer and the same person I’d cuddle on a very cold December morning.

Marriage is a non-negotiable, compulsory…. For keeps. Good Lord, help me.

thought bubble

It was one windy night, I was in our village and we saw each other sa kanto, ana daw ko, “o asa ta mukaon?”

Then they have varied replies. Ana ko “ok sige sa lachi’s rako, feel nko mukaon og cake”. They all went to the opposite direction and I went on my way to lachi’s which is adjacent lang. Naisip nako, I should’ve brought a bike.

I went inside and I saw myself in the glass mirror, my goodness! I forgot to change into something more presentable. I was wearing my loose boxers and my underwear garter is coming out. My shirt looks rubbish and I was wearing a hat. I saw familiar faces but I never said Hi because I looked really horrible.

When I went inside, it was like a big patio and the one serving me was coincidentally my former grade school teacher. I asked for Yummy choco torte but she told me it was out of stock. I asked her “naa lage ka mam? Diba Bahrain naman ka?” she replied, “nah gipalitan gain ko ni mama ticket pabalik, dili ko ganahan na mubalik” so I asked her “kay ngano man?” she just laughed and said “ok naman ko diri” so I just bid goodbye and told her  “see you around”

While on my way out, the familiar faces I saw on my way in, smiled at me. I smiled back and hurried my way out. My gosh! It is so dark, I am so afraid to walk home alone.

KRRRRRRRRRRRINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

My alarm woke me up. I was In the state of puzzlement. Of all dreams, why would it be the one that I am afraid?

So on my way to work I formed three concepts:

1)     am I the same girl I used to be? I’ve lived and travelled miles and miles away from home. Left the things and people that I am most comfortable with. Yet, Am I still afraid? Afraid of what? The dark? The uncertain? The unknown? The humiliation?

2)     Is it true that I lack confidence? (my sister told me that the problem with me lies in the fact that I am doubtful about my abilities. She told me that I am not confident enough to get to where I am that’s why I am stuck in the moment) Really?

3)     Am I really anti-social? Seriously? I wouldn’t mind if I eat alone or do things on my own, I am much more effective that way but going different to prove a point, do I prove any? I always thought I am unique but my uniqueness can be a huge weirdo factor. Why not join the crowd? Do I have trust issues?

These thoughts are like bubbles of clouds hanging over my head. I am in the process of synthesizing these concepts. Am I not what I thought I am? Am I becoming a person who I want to be?

Ugh. 

inner peace

You know what I always prayed for?

Inner peace.

It’s not from Kung Fu panda. Haha.

It is the alignment of your heart, body and soul. A sense of contentment.

A taste of pure bliss, not because of a particular rush or some adrenaline kicking in but a deep understanding that everything is temporary. It is that sense when nothing can ever bother you, not a thought, not a worry, nada. It is that sense of calmness that goes beyond the realm of materialism and earthly pleasures. It is that sense of transcendence. A heart that supports the thoughts, a soul that cleanses the mind.

Indicatively, people from all walks of life yearn for something more. A dancer cannot be dancer without looking out for new, popular moves. A rich cannot stay rich without yearning for more money. I guess peaceful people cannot stay peaceful without yearning for more peace, and that is topping it off with that peace that’s from within.

The only way to achieve inner peace is through meditation. Emptying the mind with thoughts and just be one with the inner voice.

The world is too loud and our ears cannot be covered, but isolation and solitude can help achieve a phase of meditation.

I want my inner peace. That is when I do not have to worry about what to eat, wear, where to go. That is when I do not have to think about what the future brings or how long I will last. That is when I do not need to go along with the people that surround me just so; they cannot tell me that I am anti-social. That is when I can be at my most basic self, feeling the most basic emotions without layering masks into my face.

Inner peace… an act of transcendence… the state that I yearn to achieve.

dream home

Privacy.

Davao will always be my home. Even though, ironically, I don’t have a room at our house anymore, why, my mum made a storage room out of my old room. Seriously?! It saddens me that I don’t have a private lair anymore.

I used to hang out in my room (when I don’t feel like going out or when I am in a major saving up for a trip) back then. I have this mini-component with dynamic bass sound installed, I have my TV and what I love most was my desk inside my room. Why desk? Because I get to brainstorm while sitting. I’d drew illustrations, I’d write poems, I’d daydream. And when I study, I can’t be lying in bed or else, I’d never even start to read at all. Hehe

My fondest and most enjoyable memories would include switching off the lights and listening to my favourite jazz and bossa mix-ups while sipping on my iced tea. I’m weird that way. I’d spent nights doing the same thing and I’d wake up really happy the following day. And while I get ready for work, my BG song would always be Rihanna’s Disturbia! It perks me up more that coffee does. Talk about little secrets.

Growing up, I’m not really used to staying in my room most of the times. I’m not like most of my classmates that when I phone them and their mums would answer they’d say, “naa sa iyang kwarto, kadali lang tawagun nako”. Subconsciously, my mum never allowed me to stay in my room throughout the day. I can only relish the privacy during nighttime. Haha

Someday and wishfully soon, I hope to build my own house, have my own private lair. I’d imagine it to be youthful, practical and homey, something extraordinarily ordinary. I don’t care if it’s grand but as long as it’s mine.

When I daydream about it, I really get to be so excited. I want it in a favourable neighbourhood… peaceful, safe and secured. If lot area would be small, then a 2-storey house would be nice. I want to have a wooden stairs that would enable me to see the first floor from upstairs. Mediterranean style with spacious corners. I’d paint it as earthly as possible. I’d want a home that would be empty of so many memorabilia. (Although I’d doubt that) I would want to have a mini garden of veggies more than an artistically landscaped lawn.

Ahh.. Thinking this would make my heartbeat really fast. I don’t need a realization of my ideal, grand and top of the art dream house, I’d just want the realization of my humble, practical, convenient and comfortable home.

And you’d ask me, where it would be? Without doubt, Davao is still the place to be. J

healthy options

Can I do it?

So the thoughts of going back to law school feels like a good idea. I’m keeping myself busy for something that I am interested in. I feel like it is about time for me to finish what I started.

Of course I know the sacrifices of being a law student. Once upon a time, I am a freshman joggling between my job and school. I get really anxious when the clock hits 5 and we will be having an oral recitation with my Fiscal Professor at 6pm. Talk about never to be late or else you’d never be allowed to enter his class. What’s aggravating is that, when you were marked absent, sure thing, you will be called on the next session and if by chance, you gave the wrong answer, you’d end up standing the whole period. He is the badass.

But really, me being a law student back then, it was just a fun thing. I am never too serious about it. It’s just like something to fill in the gaps after work. I feel as though, I have never really tried hard enough and made an effort to burn my brows (sunog ng kilay) to study for the subjects. I do read but only when there is a recitation or a quiz/ exam coming up. It was never a regular study thing. Unlike my classmates who were intense.

I can say that I belong to a “kind” class; my classmates were really nice to me. Handing me their notes, feeding me information, giving me a heads up when I seem to miss out on my readings. They were supportive to the point of self-hate and self-abuse (because I just tend to copy their case digests without really understanding what the case was about). Haha

If given the chance to continue, I’d like to be much serious about it. I’d like to really dig myself deeper, study the laws by heart. Law school isn’t easy. The fact that not all of those who take the BAR become lawyers; it is reverence to the study.

Ahhh… I don’t know if I have the patience to do it or if I have the ability to be constricted in a classroom again or yes, do I even have the brain cells sufficient for it? There are so many options to go into, for now, I’m taking my time.

wobbly

Fearless.

I could be crazy for thinking about jumping without a harness again.

So I told my closest friends about my plan to just quit my job and look for another one. The idea is simple as waiting to be hired first by another company before I submit my resignation letter, no problem. But here’s the thing, I could no longer wait.

I feel as though I’ve waited long enough to finally reach my decision of bailing out from this company. Believe me, it is never easy. Coming up to this decision is something that I avoided so many times and even brought me to the point of depression.

I am a sentimentalist. I value memories, I value friendship, I value time that I spent keeping up with something/ someone. A shirt for example, would mean so much to me, for various reasons such as it was given to me when I was 12, it was the first shirt that I received after graduation, the day that it was given was the first day of my menstruation… the list goes on, every minute detail, I remember it. I am that. I take so many memories out of an ordinary thing so when someone tells me to dispose it, I really do not have the heart to give it away.

This job, is my first here in Singapore, my second in my lifetime. I am a loyal employee. I value the opportunity and trust given to me, so there’s no way I’d be persuaded to jump off the ship without much thinking. I am a fan of togetherness. I stick around. I always do.

But really, for some major reason, I’ve been dissuaded to continue. I just feel like I am too rushed, too pumped up, too pressured and if this shall go on, I’m going to explode. I hate to think about it but I am nearing the peak.  

Practicality demands for me to stay but what if happiness becomes at stake? You know that moment when money becomes the reason to persevere, it makes me live but makes me miserable as well. For what good is keeping up something when it doesn’t make you feel alive? For what good is enduring when you know you’re never going anywhere?

For now, I certainly feel like it is the best time for me to move forward. I know it’s impractical, irrational, irresponsible or perhaps, suicidal, but really, what’s there to fear when I have overcome so many already?

2014 is a year to be fearless. I’ve been through a lot of dramas in the past; I’ve always been on my toes,

gearing up the battle head on, and yes, almost always lonesome. No matter how wobbly my knees or how cold my palms are, or how my mind killed me so deeply that I always succumb to feeling helpless, I always get on my feet, standing my ground, showing as though no one will scare the hell lot of me. I am strong at least I believe I am. Now, it’s showtime!