Te Amo Self

Why do I write only when I am feeling something out of the ordinary?

Forgive me for adding noise to the already loud world.

Perhaps having your birthday in days’ time always provokes you into thinking some things about your life. Which by the way, I have been successful at evading until now.

Now that I am about to be shucks…29! *cough* I feel that I need to recreate in my life in such a way that it would be pleasing to my ears, to my heart and especially to my soul.

Believe it or not, I feel that some of my life goals are put on hold because I kept on waiting for it. I ALWAYS wait. I feel guilty to leave things behind so I tend to always come back to where it started. I’m talking in riddles, yes?

I am in Singapore yet my mind goes back to the Philippines. I miss everything about home except traffic, heat, exhaustion and slow government agencies. It’s like having my best foot two steps ahead of the other so I sometimes lose balance.

My sister asked me, “what’s your plan?” and again, my mind flashed RED. I am dreading this question because every time, I’d look stupid for trying to answer as confidently as possible.

“I don’t know.” I replied. There I said it and again, I know I sounded dumb.

Five years in retrospect, I had my life in black in white. A twinkle in my eyes appears as I look far ahead. “I will have this, have that, be this, and be that.”  And true to my words, some of the “I have this or that” has been achieved. The “I’m gonna be this or that” well, It’s safe to say that I’m still in transit. I am in the process, a series of elliptical appears.

Alongside the goals in life, is the personality that I am honing myself into. Tough times taught me to keep calm but it did not save me from feeling sorry for myself once in awhile.

While I try to remain strong in challenges, I also feel just exhausted to keep trying to win. I could’ve said “F*ck it, I’m going home” but where is home?

Home is the people that have your back, but more so, it is thy SELF.

Yes, home is what makes you rest, keep you in peace and it starts within you.

Home… is knowing that no storm or earthquake can ever break you. Home is keeping focused despite the noise around you. Home is feeling safe despite the threats that surround you. And to be able to achieve that, the calmness, security and solid foundation should be rooted within you.

I choose to refuse listening to people who only notice my flaws and what I completely lack. I choose to refuse being the subject and eventually the medium to negativity.

I choose to be steadfast. To know what I got and believe that I got it better.

At 29, I don’t want to pretend in anything I’m not. I owe it to myself to be honest to how I feel, what I think and what I believe and to take responsibility for it. I don’t want to give up what I think is right so I can fit in. I’m done with it. I’ve been very considerate to the point of self-destruction. I cannot hinder my growth by sabotaging my happiness.

I want to be someone who knows herself damn well.

I am extraordinarily driven to do the things necessary for growth.

Mind over Matter

Mind over matter.

I used to have this power strong in my brains. I can be very rational about things and keep firm despite the corroding emotions. I have strong mental capacity which keeps me cool on days when everyone is freaking out.

As I grew older, I am showing signs of weakness. I go from stable to highly emotional in no time. I’m guessing maybe because of hormones or because I have lived alone.  In being alone, your mind is sometimes filled with crazy stuff. And this stuff keeps on bugging you  until you lose sleep and appetite.

As time pass by, I have observed that I became obsessive. Like an addict dependent on substance to make her calm.

Or like a lion closely monitoring her prey.

I’d go sleepless over thinking about a predicament. I lose concentration over my routine because an idea flashes. I become distracted, unable to process further. I will be brought to a halt, which drives me even crazier.

When this happens, the series of unending thoughts begin. Rushing in like a bolt of lightning, then I become trapped. Trapped in thoughts of my solutions and ending up feeling harassed because no justice has ever been made that satisfies a victim.

These thoughts are hazardous to my existence. It poisons my mind from hatred and revenge to hopelessness.

How do you fight evil or injustice? With our system of law, nothing is really satisfying.

Take for example, the massacre in Maguindanao, was true justice achieved? Even now, there’s nothing really. Who did it? No one gets punished.

My mom always tells me, it is better to live a quiet life, a life of knowing that you did things right. And I have always believed her. When I got bullied in my grade school years, I kept quiet. I never intended to fight anyway because I don’t want a messy life. I just want to live in peace.

I want to stay that way. I have been through so much mess that I kept my side of the bargain, clean. Almost hatingly, quite martyr-ish.

Whenever I am confronted with issues, I try to dock in calmly.

But then again, It had stirred me emotionally. When people berate, beat and harass you in a way that you tell yourself to just let it go and just keep quiet… It accumulates inside. All the hate and pain and the things you want to lash out in defence just bubbles inside you… but you keep still, you know it’ll pass.

Perhaps, the reason why I have something about my heart.

But maybe, I also chose it this way. Keeping quiet and letting it all go. Moving forward…

I have a God. He never failed me.

I always keep that in mind. I chose to.

Mind over matter.

You are

I feel neglected.

The truth is, when your world revolve around the small circle, each piece is a major element.

When a piece, takes its turn to jump out your circle and explore different ones around, you’ll be left missing a part. What to do? Take a new one to complete the circle? Work on the ones left and make it even a smaller circle? Leap entirely out of the circle? I wonder.

At times, I think the best solution is to take a new one and forget the part that decided to leap out. But when that part becomes an important piece of you, you can’t just replace it. It’s valuable. Many others might have the same characteristics, composition, but you know, it’s never the same.

Perhaps, work on the ones that are left of you? Yes, it might be feasible. But to have an even smaller circle is a danger itself. When the other parts, decide to leap out as well, what have you got? A bruised ego? Irreparable damage of core? Lack of esteem? That can’t be.

Or maybe, to leap out of your circle entirely? To isolate? To learn how to stand on your own? To go back to the basics? To start from scratch? This?

I guess when you come into a point of your life that you need to re-evaluate your possessions and let go of some, you need to come into you senses of being strong as it is. No matter how rejected, neglected, frustrated, betrayed and distracted you feel, you just cling in to the hope that you will be okay. You were okay before it, why would you not be okay now?

It is imperative that you’ll be left alone at some point in one’s life. And the challenge is how to deal with it…

When you’re stripped off from the things that you thought, completes you... it’s destruction. It’s like you’ll never be whole again. (Especially when those things have been with you for quite some time.) It makes you feel incompetent, degraded and pretty much pretty f—ked up.

But believe me when I say that it’s just a stubborn tweak in your head telling you that it’s really the biggest of deal. Well, IT’S NOT. Although, it is challenging to balance out your personal feelings and the feelings of others who want to leap out from your circle. Personally, at first I thought it was my fault. I have this habit of taking responsibility of these decisions. But later, I realized, I can only control what my mind tells me and not the mind of the others.

Growing up entails responsibility of your actions. But of keeping in mind other people’s reaction, I’d say that’s not part of the curriculum. Thus,  I’m learning not to care. (learning--- progressing to NO CARE AT ALL)

I realized that for me to be happy is to let go of people who do not have care as much as I do. Yes, it might be a selfish idea but to care less about careless people is happiness in its secret recipe. I realized that I am not entitled to an exclusive right of keeping the person, vice versa. In as much as I want to be loyal and pretty much sentimental about these platonic relationships, I also have to make way for new ones. I also need to create a space to be filled in by other parts.

The key is not only keeping the circle small, but to widen it. But to be able to do that is not to confuse losing of one’s identity. It does not sum up to destructing one’s self like a sacrificial instrument to keep stronger circles. I realized that to be able to take responsibility of even a smaller circle is to take responsibility of the self first.

It is not your fault that people part ways. It is not your fault that relationships turn bland. It is not your fault that times are changing, so do people. So do You.

It is unfair to feel neglected and emptied just because people decide against your own. Let’s stop doing it amongst ourselves. Please.

Who cares if you’re starting again? Who cares if it sounds pretty pathetic to some? Care only of what makes you happy. At the end of the day, “You’re your longest commitment”.

oh my ghost

Oh my ghost!

I was religiously watching this series (yes, it’s Korean again) and surprisingly, it lifted me to a major level of thinking. The story revolves around a ghost who remembers most of her memories except for the day that she died. She then found out that she allegedly committed suicide. She loved life and she never really could have guessed why she took her own life.

Meanwhile, she made a bargain with a Suhbingso (like a ritual lady, who performs rituals for ghost’s ascension and who’s main business is to read the fortune of a person, more like a zodiac) that she’ll oblige to ascend once she’ll be able to perform her major grudge, correcting her being a Virgin.

The story develops of him finding a Man of Vitality for which she should do “it” with. To make the story short, she began to have feelings with the guy even though she knows that she shouldn’t. She then asks, “why did I not feel any of this when I was alive? Why was life too short for me?”

I was brought into a paradigm of waiting. I somehow thought about how I sometimes procrastinate or yes, about having delayed gratification in most cases.

I think life is too short especially when we are so busy making ends meet. We forget what we truly WANT because we NEED to do something. I see no wrong in that, but isn’t living goes beyond the realm of just paying the bills?

In love, I always thought about waiting for the perfect timing, right person, right circumstances, but really, am I side blinded by the fact that he might have passed me because I was busy looking for who I think is right? I feel like I am missing out so much on my dating life because I am stuck in the moment. And perhaps, stuck in my own fairytale. I should have dated more guys to know which type is best for me. What the hell am I doing?

In my friendships, I always feel that I am obliged to take care of the people around me. I feel obliged to prioritize them so that they won’t feel lonely. But at the end of the day, I am the one who does feel so. Perhaps, I invested too much time on them; I forgot how to be okay with being alone. What the hell am I doing?

In my career, am I keeping this whole façade of loyalty? I feel like I am being comfortable with not stepping up. Is this all I can do for myself? What the hell am I doing?

In my decisions, am I giving it my best shot? Am I really just going with the flow and being evasive of commitments? What the hell am I doing?

Life is too short.

As the ghost would say, “I wasted my time”…

Am I wasting mine too? Oh my life!

Yorker New!

Stop spreading the news, I’m leaving today… I wanna be a part of it…. 

NEW YORK, NEW YORK!!

That song reminded me of a very sad memory back when I was in High School. Too sad that it attempted to put a crack on my ONLY treasure… my family.

When I hear about the song, I can only think of that fateful night in our living room. That particular night when I felt for the first time, the unfathomable emptiness. I felt as though I was transported to a tunnel with unending turns, going down from level to level of darkness.

But even so, I couldn’t possibly dislike the song in its entirety. It moves me in a way that I feel wonderful about my possibilities. I feel thrilled like a kid receiving her new toy on Christmas day or an employee receiving her bonus for the first time.

Or Maybe, there’s just something about hearing New York that provokes you to drift your thoughts into something wonderful. The high-rise, the busy streets, the lights, the coffee on hand… believe me, I’ve had these imageries far too many times with cinematographic effects. I just couldn’t discount the fact that I will witness any of these when maybe, someday… I will be in New York.

My someday might be just in a corner, who knows.

And I certainly wish I won’t be disappointed. As far as I’m concerned, I’ll be jetting my way there soon.

Of making my dreams come true, I’m halfway there! J

schadenfreude

Schadenfreude.

N. pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune.

Admit or not, we have a tiny little spot of hesitation to be happy about other’s success. Why, because we compare in parallel to our own success, our growth and progress through life.

I admit I have been quite strange in the past months. I am emboldened by the desire to be first in everything. I wanted to be the best, to be above par. I want to be that girl whom I think is cool and ideal. She’s up there.

Sadly, because of this desire, I have been to a dark hole where everywhere I looked seemed too stifling and empty. I have been trapped by my own set of borders, like a dumbass juggler adding more props to the already overboard performance.

I realized that the more I crave for perfection, the more I become far from it. I thought it was fun at first but it was so dragging, the boredom crept in and I lost the idea of who I really was. I was swallowed by frustration and what made it worse was the anxiety, in thinking that I’ll forever remain in that state.

In the process of chasing my goal, I have lost my balance. The ability to think positively despite the setbacks. The ability to remain calm despite the pressure. The ability to be still despite the uneasy feeling coming towards me. To be at peace within myself, my thoughts and my words.  I have lost the most basic part of being me, my confidence.

I looked around and see nothing but people around me levelling up their games. I was looking through sad eyes where hope has gone to the pits. I have never been so lonely. I didn’t know where to go. I want to scream out my anger, disappointment and frustration. I want to ask why? I have to know. I just have to let it all out. You see, I have hit rock-bottom and no one knew except me.

And while I was battling my personal demons, I pitied myself from feeling so low why, almost all of my friends are jubilant for their life’s breakthroughs.

Then a friend asked me, “Are you too bored that you’re making up problems even if you don’t have one?”

Life is never easy.

It hit me. I was Overthinking. Overreacting. I was going too fast, claiming so soon, when none of my concerns are urgently real. I was getting to a point where everyone dared not to go because from there, it was a downward hill. Indeed, you can never put a stop to plunging down and getting yourself scattered all because of your useless assumptions.

I was brought into a halt when I felt I was about to explode. It is useless to go into a war without trying to win the battle. I had to at least try to resist defeat. To stand up where I fell. To shake off the dust and dirt and feel unabashed despite the bruises. I had to do something for myself. Because no one can save me but Me.

I admit, these are recurring personal demons. These are imminent and when it strikes, it just kills off my happiness from 100 to 0, in no time. I might look cheery and positive from the outside, the power of these demons are sometimes really too strong to counter so I resign in isolation.

To judge someone at their highs without knowing how they struggle to fight their lows, is something that I personally try to digest.

In the end, Someone’s fortune does not make me unfortunate, in the same way that their misfortune cannot make me fortunate. So to compare myself to others is not right because at the end of the day, we are fighting our own battles. What we see as a simple result took time and complicated efforts behind the scene.

confession of a convert

Kung kelan tumanda, dun pa nalulong!

Kung maka-“lulong” naman, kala mo kung anong droga… this is more addicting than droga.

I have branched out (branched out talaga?) to KPOP idols, korean variety shows and even GIF clips of there KOREAN personalities, On top of being a Jadine Convert.

Naalala ko tuloy si Clark nung nagconfess sya kay Leah, yun yung:  “eto na yun, ubos na ubos na ako, wala na akong kaya pang ibigay”… INTENSE! Ganyang ganyan ang damdamin ko na pati shows na walang audio pinatos ko na at pati picture ng aso ni Nadine, sinave ko sa phone ko.  Inalagaan kong parang akin.

San ka pa, Friday nights and you’d think about going home na kasi may icacatch up ka pang episodes. Hindi pwedeng makamiss kasi tiyak na di ka makakarelate sa latest chika ng mga barkada mong bumubuo ng 200 unread messages ng facebook messenger mo.

E ayaw ko namang basahin kasi real-time and chismisan, while simultaneous ang palabas ni Leah at Clark. No spoilers please!!

Marami din akong nahasang skills sa kakapanood, akalain mong, na a-unleash pala ang mga sumusunod:

1)      Investigative skills--  daig ko pa yung taga bureau, detective Conan here we go, walang makakaligtas kakadig ng mga panibagong impormasyon, isingit ang screenshot as exhibit A. Hindi pwedeng walang basehan kasi nagiging “gawa-gawa” na lamang sya. So pagsabing, huy yung kissing scene grabe!!!  (insert screenshot1 ) (insert screenshot 2) (insert link if any) .  Ganun yun!. Isa pa, nahahasa ang skills kakaretrieve nung mga  binurang posts take, for example, litratong pinost ni Nadine 15 seconds ago pero dinelete kasi di bumagay sa mala-tumblr-ish nyang instagram profile. Wait lang, give me 10 sec, I can bring it back!

2)      Lawyering skills—uy, may ADDU con post, may babae daw from Davao as GF ni james! Wait!! Bakit ngayon lang nilabas? Puno ng paghihimagsik kong binasa ang nasabing post at natanto kong, isang malaking ilusyon. Over my dead venomous body! (wag nang voluptuous,di pa arrive!)  pero sa usaping Inah Evans vs people of Jadine, este James, ayaw ko mang aminin sapagkat nagiging unloyal ako… naniniwala ako kay mother kepler Inah. (oha oha, may beki words na din akong nalalaman) tinimbang kong maigi ang isyu na parang usapin ng territorial claim ng China against Spratley at Parecel Islands, at napagtanto kong, ang mga salita ni Inah tungkol sa kanyang nakita ay consistent.  By virtue of power vested in me as a bystander, I now pronounce you telling the truth. hihi

3)      Interpersonal skills-- my favourite. Mga kaibigang di mo nakakausap araw araw, masusurprise ka nalang,  nagmemessage, naghahayag ng opinion sa natapos na episode o sa isyung nakatanghay sa kasalukuyan. Saan ka mang parte ng mundo, join ka sa usapin na may malaking ambag sa development ng humanity. haha Ang malimit na paggamit ng tamang pagpapahayag ng saloobin, paniniwala, demokrasya ng pananalita at pakikipagtalastasan sa mga kuru-kurong puno ng spekulasyon sa mga “intelligent discussions” kung saan active member ako. Jadine singapore, represent!!

Ilan lamang ito sa mga nasinop kong abilidad.

At sa pagkalulong kong ito marami akong nakalimutan--- pangungulila, kalungkutan, pati na rin sinaing kong hindi naihain at nilabhan kong naghihintay pang maisampay.

I still can’t believe It, I have friends closer than ever kasi gabi gabi ito ang pulutan. May magkakaibang opinion, iba’t ibang pinaniniwalaan, may die hard fans, loyal at mejo unloyal. May madaling bumibitiw at may excited magmove on from the issue but isa ang something that holds us together… our being fanatic!